Starved
by ChanelBel7887
Summary: Bella Swan is only too aware of her unremarkable life. When she turns to anorexia trying to grasp hold of some control will Edward Cullen be able to save her? How will Bella react when she finds out Edward has been Keeping a secret of his own?BPOV,REVIEW
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own the Twilight or the Characters (if I found a genie I would So wish to own Edward… imagination runs wild…), I only own the Plot to Starved.**

**Warning - There isn't a lot of BxE in this Chapter due to Bella's flashback, but there will be later, so don't you fret!! ENJOY!!**

**Prologue:**

_I had my eyes closed and I was perfectly relaxed. Everything was calm and perfect. I was in my comfortable bed in my familiar room. My godlike boyfriend was holding me securely to his cold hard chest with nothing but my old quilt in between us. He was absentmindedly humming the lullaby he had composed for me into my hair. His sweet breathe swirling over my face. In this moment I knew I had never been happier, or more at peace. _

_This euphoria was not what I had been expecting when I decided to move here to Forks Washington. I was hoping beyond hope that my life would be no more insufferable as the one I led LA, with my mother where I had grown up. I left there three months ago, at the beginning of the school year. So much had changed since then. So much about myself was different. Then again some things, it seemed, no matter how well things could be going in my life, would never change. _

**CHAPTER 1- **

I thought back to my sophomore year at LA High School. I was used to the kids in my class having been stuck with them since Kindergarten. They were all the same. Everything in their worlds were based on appearances. What clothes you wore, how you did your hair, what after school programs you attended, your friends, even your boyfriends were all expertly mapped out. Whatever made you appear to have everything you, and every one else wanted. I was never quite up to par with that whole _LA lifestyle_. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I didn't have enough money to keep up with the latest trends, and even if I did I was pretty sure I wouldn't have anyway. I was a loner, not that I couldn't make friends, rather I couldn't be bothered. Not with that crowd anyway. It didn't feel weird or lonely being by myself either. I occupied my time by doing homework, reading, and taking care of my somewhat absentminded mother and our house.

I never thought of myself as being unhappy, but I always felt that I was missing something. Something that everyone else around me appeared to have. One day while I was reading in the cafeteria I overheard some girls talking about me. It was nothing new, due to my odd social preferences, and total disinterest in fashion I was often the target for gossip on an uneventful afternoon. I was only half listening, giggling in my head at their claim that I thought I was too cool to talk with them. When one of the girls, a more popular junior that I had never once spoken to laughed coldly then sneered,

"And what does she have that is so much better then us?! She's just a loser who has nothing and has rightfully given up on herself…"

I froze, then quickly looked more intensely at the open page of my novel without seeing a single thing printed on it. My eyes were quickly filling with tears and my cheeks were already blushing furiously. Sure I could handle remarks about my clothes, but something this girl said struck me somewhere that was already sore and weak within my heart. I had asked myself these same questions almost daily. Had I really given up on myself? Was there anything more to life then school, and work? Of course there was, it was just plainly obvious that it wasn't meant for me. These thoughts ate away at my sole, ripping down the layers of rough outer wall I had built at an early age to protect my sensitive heart.

"I don't blame her,", a third girl interjected, "She's so average, and let's just say even if she did own a single pair of Balenciaga jeans, she sure as hell couldn't fit into them!" at that all of the girls snapped their bleached heads back, the n'sink motion looked almost practiced, and laughed violently. They composed themselves and began to walk away towards a group of overly groomed senior boys. I hopped up quickly keeping my eyes locked on the floor in an attempt to hide my tears, and ran to the closest bathroom I could find. I washed my face with cold water for several minutes, then stayed perched, leaning over the sink emotionally drained until my heavy breaths began to settle back into a normal rhythm. After a couple of minutes I sighed heavily and straightened up looking into the mirror above the sink. I almost started to cry again, a girl, plain as could be stood there staring right back at me. Her old brown t-shirt and faded jeans washing out her brown hair and eyes did nothing to help her boring appearance. I leaned in a little closer, and saw to my horror that the girls in the cafeteria had been right. I had two bulges sticking out at the top of my waistband. They were draped snugly by the material of my shirt, I covered them with my hands and pushed them in towards my hips praying that they would stay there. Then I noticed that my upper arms were larger they used to be! When had this happened?! I shook my arms watching the extra flesh flap, still pushing in my love handles. My breathing became sharp and fast again. I ran into a stall and curled up into a ball. I didn't want to look at myself anymore. My entire life was pitiful and out of my control. I had always done what I needed to. Always earned pretty good grades, kept up with the housework and my mother. Why was it that I still felt I was missing something, something that I had no power to obtain on my own.

I couldn't give up on myself like those girls thought I had, like I thought I had. I had to fix things before they got out of hand. There was some thing that I did have complete control over. I would start my diet affective immediately.

That same night I sat at my desk, hairs still wet from my shower, in my shabby oversized t-shirt scanning the internet for all the most promising diet tricks I could find. Most of the sites were fad diets that I knew where a scam. Some others sounded helpful and repeated allot of the same information. I took mental notes and then typed up my new regime. Cardio seemed like a must for weight loss, at least 45 minutes a day for four or more days a week. Ok, I could handle that. Then there was weight training, that looked unnecessary to me, I wasn't interested in gaining any muscle. Then there was the food. That was the tricky part, everyone contradicted each other. I decided that I would just make up my own diet, I knew what foods were healthy or not. I just had to make sure to eat as little as possible.

That first month was the hardest. Exorcising everyday really threw off my routine, and doing all that extra work made me hungry, which aggravated my diet. I got threw it in a desperate attempt to fix my bleak life. At the end of the month I had lost twelve pounds! I was ecstatic! My love handles were gone and I could barely notice my arm flab. Standing on that scale was such a high, I felt for the first time in my life truly in control. I could do anything. Soon after that I began daily weigh ins, checking my progress. I was never disappointed either. I kept on running everyday, pushing my self farther and faster every week. Four months in I hit a Plato, my weight was one twenty, and for two weeks it stayed there. I began to feel nauseous and anxious every time I went to step on the scale. I stood there naked crying one night, and decided that every month I would remove something from my daily food intake that I had now perfected. Grapefruit, granola bar, nonfat yogurt for breakfast. Banana and organic peanut butter for lunch, apple and granola bar for snack, and grapefruit, yogurt, and banana for dinner. This idea worked and by the end of the year I felt in control and for the first time proud of myself.

Caught By The River, Doves -

(This song really personifies the struggle Bella is going through. It's the fight that is waging on in her mind. She realizes how little influence she has in her own life and decides to fight for it. This song is really special because you truly ask yourself these things when you're in similar situations.)

_What have you done? _

_Your caught by the river, you're coming undone. _

_Life, you know it can't be so easy, but you can't jut leave it, cause you're not in control no more. _

_And you give it all away. Would you give it all away? _

_Don't let it come apart. I don't wan to see you come apart. _

_Son, what are you doing? _

_Would you give it all up now? _

_Would you give in just despite them all? _

_Give it away, give it all away. _

_Come apart, don't want to see you come apart. _

**AN - Hey there readers, once again I'm sorry about the lack of Edward and his suave hotness in this chapter, but I needed but lay out Bella's history for you to get a true grasp on her situation. I decided to make Bella this way because I felt that really related to Bella's lack of self worth in the books. Both are super self aware and feel empty before Mr. Cullen enters scene! **

**Don't you guys worry though… He will be coming around the mountain soon! **

**Oh, PLEASE REVIEW. I promise I will respond if you do! Thanx!! **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN - Hey guy's, another Edwardless CHPT... (ducks and hides). SORRY! I know, I know! I promise he'll be here next CHPT!**

**Chapter 2 - **

At the end of last year my mother began to look at me oddly during mealtimes. I always made her a real meals and kept her company while she ate, picking at my fruit and yogurt.

"Bella, wouldn't you like something more?", she would ask every time. I sighed while rolling my eyes, becoming bored and aggravated all at once. This conversation was just as much a routine as my meal plans had become.

"No mom, I'm fine. I have my dinner." I would spit out indicating to my measly feats.

"I know honey… it's just that, I think… you've lost enough weight you know?" She asked keeping he eyes down. I could tell she was becoming uncomfortable talking about this. I shot my eyes up at her.

"oh…", I replied stupidly blushing, I didn't know what to say. I didn't have any intention on changing my diet any time soon. But the comment made me feel happy too. Someone had noticed that I had been getting results. Her awkwardness made me keep my smile to myself. She bravely looked up at me as if I was about to attack her. Her pleading eyes stabbed at my chest. I felt guilty and I didn't understand why. "Maybe your right, mom." I smiled at her reassuringly and she returned it. I stood and began to wash our dishes knowing I wouldn't be changing any part of my weight loss routine.

A month later my mother was too involved in her new relationship with her boyfriend Phil to realize that I had in fact not changed my eating habits, and was continuing to lose weight. Two months later I was on a plane to Forks where my father lived. I had decided to give my mother and Phil some room after their wedding. She had protested and whined, but I knew she was thankful deep down. I was secretly excited about moving. I knew now that I had a chance to really change my life. This relocation halfway through my high school career meant new possibilities and opportunities. The only downside was Forks horrible weather. It was always raining and overcast. The hot sunny weather was the only reason I liked L.A.. I made sure to buy a bunch of heavier clothing, recently I found I am always cold.

I found My father's house oddly comforting after being away from it for so many years. It was as I had never left, I knew exactly where everything was. My dad, Charlie as I referred to him, and I had an extremely comfortable relationship, I decided it was because I had inherited my independence and introvertecy from him. He always left for work early and stayed late. Even on the weekends he would be gone with his old friend Billy fishing all day. That combined with his gender caused natural obliviousness, I never had the _you're skinny enough_, or, _it's time you start eating more_ talks. All in all it was a peaceful transition.

I even found myself making friends with everyone on my first day at Forks High School. A group of kids asked me to join them at lunch and I was able to keep up with their casual flow of conversation quite easily. The whole experience was utterly new to me, and I was enjoying it. After one of the boys, Mike, made a joke to me and the girl, Angela, who invited me to sit there, I realized if I was an outsider looking at myself right now while I sat in the middle of the popular kids lunch table laughing at a joke a cute boy made, I would look like star from a scene in a cliché teenage movie. At that moment I felt that eerie feeling as if I was being watched. My eyes naturally floated over the crowds of students eating their lunches while my laughter died away. It took only a minute to find the origin of the uneasy feeling. A boy, a _gorgeous _boy, sat all the way at the other end of the room openly staring at me. My heart speed up when I saw the odd look in his eyes. _Does he look… angry? _No, that must be in my head. I realized a second later that he had seen me looking at him and I turned to Angela blushing furiously.

"Who is that guy Angela?" I asked trying to make myself sound casual. I quickly pointed in his direction.

"Oh, that's Edward Cullen. He's hot right? He always sits over there with his brothers and sisters. They all usually keep to themselves." Her face tightened a little, brows furrowing and the corners of her mouth pulling down. "They are all a bit strange, they never really socialize and they're all super smart, like 4.0 GPA's all around… but they just have this way of creeping you out." I knew exactly what she meant. I could still fell Edward's burning stare on the back of my head. Angela must have noticed something in my face because she quickly added, "Don't get me wrong Bella, they're all very nice… and polite too. If Edward, Jasper, or Emmett asked me out I would _**so**_accept in a heartbeat! Especially Jasper, you can tell he's the real deep, sensitive kind of guy. I hear he plays the guitar and sings too… just looking at him hurts my heart…" She trailed off smiling sheepishly looking down.

"Oh, please!" Cried Mike sarcastically, he had clearly been following our conversation, and looked offended. "I will never get why every girl in this school is in love with those guys! They're no better then any one else here. Just because you think they're good looking…"

I heard Angela spit, "Uh huh, and it's not like you would pass out if Rosalie just looked at you passing in the hallway, or anything like that…", but I had stopped listening to them. I returned my attention to Edward. He had thankfully ended his one man staring contest with the back of my head and was now talking one of his brothers sitting next to him. I could definitely see what Angela was talking about. All five Cullens looked out of place. I wondered if they were they aware that this was I high school and not a fashion shoot? Edward was the best looking of all of them by far. He was tall and of a lean, but muscular build. Just right. He had long delicate fingers that he kept running through his mess of shiny copper-brown hair. His piercing eyes I had noticed, were a liquid black. Despite his amazing body it didn't even compare to his stunning face. It was composed of delicately beautiful features, full red lips, and cheekbones so high female models would have been jealous. They all came together with his strong jaw and unruly eyebrows to create the face that I would dream about from that night on.

Eventually I turned my attention back to Angela, Mike, and the rest of the table but my mind was preoccupied with Edward. Sure I had crushes back home in L.A., but I never acted on them, and I had certainly never felt so completely absorbed like this before. After lunch I made my way to Biology, luck it seemed finally decided to be generous and I ended up sitting next to Edward. Though I was quite excited I was also horrified. I didn't know what to say or do. I kept reminding myself to breath and turned to him after a minute and smiled weakly. I blushed furiously when I saw that he was already looking at me, this time with such hate in his eyes my mouth popped open in shock. I realized what I must have looked like and turned away quickly.

I had no idea what I had done to offend Edward and tried not to think about it. For next couple of days he continued to stare at me and I did all I could to not stare back. There was something so attracting about him. I was thankful that I had already learnt all of the subjects I was taking in L.A. because try as I might I rarely found myself going two minutes without Edward's French Vogue looks and hurtful stares flashing across my mind. He stopped showing up at school but I was told that was normal behavior for the Cullens.

**Ray of Light**, Madonna -

(This song lays out Bella's feeling about hey new life at Forks. She is already enjoying it even if it's all a completely new experience. Then out of nowhere, so quickly she finds Edward and her life changes again.)

_Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder_

_Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun_

_She's got herself a universe gone quickly_

_For the call of thunder threatens everyone_

_Faster than the speeding light she's flying_

_Trying to remember where it all began_

_She's got herself a little piece of heaven_

_Waiting for the time when earth shall be as one_

_Quicker than a ray of light_

_And I feel_

_Quicker than a ray of light_

_Then gone forSomeone else shall be there_

_Through the endless years_

_She's got herself a universe_

_And I feel_

_And I feel like I just got home_

_And I feel_

_Quicker than a ray of light she's flying_

_Quicker than a ray of light I'm flying_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3-**

I settled in to school and a comfortable routine after about two weeks. No one seemed to notice my constant lack of appetite, which I appreciated. I guessed popular kids were too busy with more important matters then their friends lunches. I was almost happy too, certainly happier then in L.A. I was actually popular, a reality that I thought was not possible. Yet this made no difference to me. It was honestly quite annoying actually, it appeared that I was now a target for every boy in the school. In two weeks I was asked out by five different guys, and at least eight times by Mike himself. I didn't find myself interested in any of them, but knew how it felt to be rejected so I tried to be as nice as possible about it.

"Bella, what's with your aversion to dating?" Jessica, one of my new friends asked looking confused. I was at my locker switching books between classes.

"It's not like I don't date, I'm just not really into any of the guys that asked me." I stated simply. It was the truth.

"But you got asked by Tyler AND Mike!" This obviously meant something to her by the way she was looking at me, as if I was crazy. "Tyler is the star of the football AND basketball team, not to mention he's gorgeous, and Mike is Mike!" What does that mean?! I asked my self. "Mike is the single most popular and nice guy in this whole town!" She actually looked angry at me.

"I don't know" I shrugged , not really paying all that much attention to this annoying topic of discussion. "Maybe there's something wrong with me…" Maybe there was.

"Wait, are you like holding out for that Cullen kid?!" At the mention of the Cullen family my head snapped in her direction. Now I was interested. She snorted unattractively. "Good luck with that, Bella. They don't date outside their little group. I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean you're pretty and sweet and everything but Edward never even asked _me on a date."_ Jessica seemed to be very aware of her status as one of the most popular girls in school.

"I'm not holding out for Edward!" I said a little too loud and a little too high. Her eyebrows raised and an evil smirk played across her lips. Was I holding out for Edward?…

"Sure you're not, Bella." She turned and walked away apparently satisfied with herself, linking arms with Lauren. The only girl who was more popular then Jessica, and the only person who was openly unimpressed by me.

A couple weeks later Edward had returned and much to my disapproval my heart speed up every time I saw him in the halls. When biology rolled around I found that he was looking at me again, but this time me was smiling. My heart stopped all together at the sight. His lips were curled cutely up in one corner, lighting up his already illuminesent eyes. Was I having a heart attack? My head got heavy and the room started to spin. I forced myself to sit down, rather ungracefully, before I landed up on the floor. His smile only intensified at my odd behavior. He introduced himself and started up a conversation, he charmingly never mentioned his previous death glares.

We quickly became friends. We seemed to click rather easily. He was smart, like Angela had mentioned. He seemed almost too worldly for a 17 year old. I ate up everything he said as if it was the oxygen I breathed. He, shockingly, appeared to be just as interested with me. Even though the most interesting things I had to talk about were the latest books I was reading. It was comfortable talking to Edward. By far the easiest relationship I'd ever had with boy. I couldn't help but lose myself in his eyes whenever I talked to him and tried to ignore the aching in my chest whenever I thought about how nice and lovely he was.

Even though we had become close through our biology partnership outside of the classroom and the hallways we stuck to our normal group of friends. This bothered me allot. Was he ashamed to introduce me to his family? I tried to shrug off these very thoughts one Friday morning early November. I shut my locker and before I had fully turned around my books had been yanked out of my hands. I gasped when I realized that Mike was a mere inch away from my face smiling like a fool.

"Jeez, Mike!" I breathed trying to restart my heart. "Give me a little warning next time ok?!" He just continued to smile like an idiot.

"Hey, Bella, I was just wondering if you heard about the crazy house party that Lauren is throwing this weekend." I sighed, does this guy even know the definition to the word no?

"Yeah I heard about it"

"Well do you want to go? It sounds awesome! The biggest party of the year so far!" Mike looked like he was about to start crying with excitement.

"I don't know if I'm going…" I did know that I didn't want to go, especially not with Mike… but I was wondering if the Cullen family attended house parties.

"Think about it! I can drive you if you want! I can't wait!" I guess his excitement fed his confidence because he placed his hand on the small of my back and began pushing me towards my first class. We had barley taken two steps when a pair of strong hands grabbed my books from Mikes hand.

"Hey, Newton, isn't your class that way?" Edward pointed in the opposite direction with a fierce look on his face.

"Yeah… I was just walking Bella to class…" He mumbled. I'm sure the dumbfounded look on his face would have been funny but I was too busy gaping at the arm wrapped loosely around my shoulder to notice.

"Don't worry about it, I'm headed this way anyway." Mike's face fell and he turned away and headed down the hall. I found myself being pulled away again and looked up at Edward. We had never been this close before and I wasn't quite certain that my heart could handle the proximity. "So what's this I hear about a party?" He asked, his crooked smile taking hold of his perfect features. My insides were squirming at his casual touch while I was on a whole new level of blush. I couldn't remember how to talk.

"Are you planning on attending Lauren's party tomorrow?" Did he plan on going? Surely he wouldn't be curious if he wasn't. I decided to be indifferent just in case.

"Maybe… I don't know…" I tried to sound mysterious, but ended up sounding frightened. He just chuckled placing my books on my desk .

"Well maybe I'll see you there then" He laughed again, it sounded like music. Then he turned around and walked out presumably to his first class. After a minute I flopped into my seat and thought about what to wear to the party. There was no way in hell I was missing it now.

I turned around to ask Angela her opinion on what to wear and saw that she was staring at me.

"What?!" I asked. My hands flew up to my face instinctively. It would be so me to have some random piece of something there the day Edward decided to come so close.

"Are you like… going out with Edward?" she asked, her eyes wide. I looked around the classroom. Every girl, and even a couple of the boys were looking at me waiting for an answer. My cheeks rushed hot red. I never had this problem in L.A. Somehow I realized that these people weren't really interested in me, they wanted to know why all of a sudden Edward Cullen had decided to be social. I wondered the same thing.

"Ha," I laughed lightly, "Yeah right. He just wanted to know about Lauren's party tomorrow night."

Chapter 3: **Your Song**, Moulin -

(This song explains Bella's feelings for Edward. They aren't really even friends yet and she is already surrendering her heart to him. This is her admiring him from a distant.)

_My gift is my sole, and this one's for you._

_And you can tell everybody that this is your song. _

_It's might be quite simple, but I hope you don't mind that I put down in words… _

_how wonderful life is now that you're in the world. _

_The sun's been kind while I wrote this song, it's for people like you that keep it turned on._

_And well, the thing is… what I really need, _

_yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen._

**Yay, Edward!! He's so suave! Respond Bi-Otches!! LOL!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4- **

My dad said he would feel better about me going to a party if he knew someone was there to take care of me. I rolled my eyes in my head, were we living in the dark ages here? I asked my best guy friend, Jacob Black if he could drive me, only after thoroughly explaining it wasn't a date. Was every guy in Forks so desperate. He picked me up at eight thirty and talked with Charlie for a while as I finished getting ready. I decided that morning that this was a special occasion, so I allowed myself to buy a whole new outfit. I wasn't comfortable in short skirts or dresses so I bought a pair of tight black low riders and a black jersey and satin stripped tube top. The strap of material around my chest was tight, then flowed out loosely. At my waist another strap clung tight accentuating my hips. It revealed the perfect amount of skin, was party appropriate, and I was comfortable wearing it. I also indulged in pair of simple black leather heels. They were only two inches high so I wouldn't have that many problems dancing or anything. I kept my makeup to a minimum focusing only on my eyes. I swept a charcoal grey over my lids, lined them inside and out with a sharp black and added dubious amounts of mascara. I sprayed my hair with volumizer and curl enhancer, then blew it dry upside down scrunching wild wavy curls everywhere. When I flipped my hair back up it was huge, overtaking my slight frame flowing over my bare shoulders brushing up against the sliver of bare skin above my pants at my waist. I noted that I could use a hair cut and finished my look off with a long chunky ivory and gold necklace and a thick golden bangle wrapped around the middle of my forearm. I studied myself in the mirror. I was happily surprised at my appearance. I reminded myself of the girls in L.A.. I couldn't remember ever feeling happy with the way I looked before. I pulled my top up revealing my stomach. There was still areas where I could see slight bulges of fat, but overall I was happy with my weight loss so far. I was even happier at the visibility of my ribs and shoulder bones. I began to feel that slight buzz, the wonderful sensation that I was finally in control. I grabbed my oversized clutch and headed downstairs to say goodnight to Charlie.

We pulled up to huge showy Victorian house. As soon as we stepped out of the car we heard the loud music pouring from the house. Kids were littering the front yard in large groups. We began making our way to the house fighting through the mobs of people. Some drunk freshman grabbed my shoulder and asked me to dance with him but Jacob saved me by grabbing my hand and plowing our way onto the front porch. The door was wide open so we let ourselves in. Surprisingly the inside of the house was even more crowded . Where did all these people come from? I couldn't see any farther then the people in front of me due to my height so I just clutched on to Jacob's hand and followed his huge form through the room. He led us into the kitchen where he handed me a Solo cup of beer.

"Damn, Bella! You were right, this is the biggest party I've been at all year!" He chugged his beer happily and set down his cup.

"Yeah, me too…" I mumbled to myself. It was in fact the only party I'd been to all year. The words were easily washed out by the pulsing of the loud music. He looked down at our still interlocked fingers and smiled.

"Excuse me Bells, but I clearly remember telling you this was not a date." I laughed loudly letting my head roll back, and let go. I was glad I'd invited Jake. Being with him was easy, even in the middle of an out of control house party.

"Look at this place, Jacob." I waved my hand around indicating the amount of people crammed in the room. "One wrong move and the mosh pit will swallow me whole!"

"Scared of getting lost?" He asked raising his eyebrows slightly. "Here", He grabbed me by the waist and set me on the island we were leaning against next to the keg. "Now you can't go any where." He took a step closer, leaning against my legs to make room for the constant flow of people. I refilled his cup and handed it to him. He furrowed his brows and looked at my still full first beer. "What? You don't drink?" he asked.

"Do you know how many carbs are in a single beer?" I asked him making a face.

"Who cares?! You're a tooth pick anyway, it wouldn't do a thing to you." He claimed. I didn't like where this conversation was going.

"I only drink hard liquor," I lied. The truth was that I hardly ever drank, but I knew that it had allot less calories then beer.

Jake's eyebrows shot up his forehead. "Really? Hmmm… Hold on", he lifted his head up over the crowd easily, and looked around. Then walked away quickly disappearing into crowd. I sighed and rolled my eyes, I didn't want to drink anything but a tall glass of water, yet I knew I would look weird if I didn't have a couple of drinks. I decided that I would run twice as long tomorrow and skip lunch. Jacob reappeared two minutes later with a bottle of rum and a big smile on his face.

"Here you go" he handed me the bottle and a fresh cup. "You should thank me you know, I had to kiss some hot girl to get that for you." He laughed and I giggled.

"Oh thank you for your HUGE sacrifice!" I placed the outside of my hand on my forehead and sighed dramatically. "What would I do without you, Jake?" We both laughed then.

We sat there talking and drinking for almost an hour. I laughed more in that hour then I had in my entire life. There was a slight tingly feeling creeping up from my arms and legs. My head felt delightfully hallow and heavy at the same time. It was like it was floating, freely lolling around without my control. A song came on that I recognized and got a shot of energy.

"I love this song!" I screamed, jumping down from my spot on the counter right onto Jacob. My knees where wobbly and I grabbed onto Jacob's shirt for support. I saw a couple of people looking around at my sudden outburst. I just laughed. There faces were incredibly funny for some reason.

"Wow, Bella. Are you ok?" Jacob asked smiling his huge smile that warmed my sole. I fought back my giggles long enough to answer.

"Yeah, I'm great! Dance with me Jake!" He rolled his eyes and laughed grabbing my hand again.

"Sure, sure." He dragged me behind him to a large room with all the furniture removed. People were jammed into the crowded room dancing. He turned around and grabbed my waist. We started moving together and I could feel the beat pulsing through my body. It surged through me and I allowed myself to lose control. I threw my hands in the air and moved in closer to him. This felt amazing, for a second I could understand why people liked getting high. I was having a high of my own. My laughter returned and I ground my hips seductively onto Jacob. He sucked in a sharp breath and I knew I was getting too close. I turned out of Jacobs arms and started dancing by my self. I noticed several sets of male eyes lingering on my slithering body. I smiled and continued to dance, I never wanted to stop. Jake had started dancing with a girl that I didn't recognize so I moved slowly to the sound where the music was coming from. I wanted to dance right up against the base, have the music really course through my body. The boys eye's followed me move. I found the source of the music and leaned my back up against the base that was taller then I was. I rubbed my body up and down it grinding my hips like the girls in music videos. I lifted my hand to my face and started rubbing my cheek and down my neck, then all the way back to my hair where it stayed. I saw a guy jab his elbow into his friends back and then nudge his chin at me. I ignored there mesmerized faces and closed my eyes, I was dancing this wave of pleasure for myself. I turned my head to the side and leaned it back against the base. I reopened my eyes a couple of seconds later and saw Edward up against the wall with his brother Emmett and sister Alice. They looked like they had been talking but were all now looking straight at me. I took in Edward and all his glory greedily. He was wearing tight black designer jeans, and a snug crimson cashmere V-neck sweater tucked into his pants and topped with sleek black and silver belt. His outfit accentuated his every muscle, the red set off his perfectly pale features. I didn't stop dancing but my already flush face blushed further. I moved over to Edward and his family.

When I got there I screamed, "Hey!" loudly to them, attempting to be heard over the music. Alice smiled and waved. She gestured to my outfit and gave me a thumbs up. I smiled widely and Emmett smacked me in the back rather hard. Harder then I expected, I flew straight into Edwards chest at the sudden impact.

**Alright, **Supergrass -

(This song is about Bella just being a normal teenager and having a good time with Jacob at Lauren's party)

_We are young, we run free._

_See our friends, see the sights, feel alright._

_We wake up, we go out. Smoke a blunt, put it out._

_We are young, we get by._

_Sleep around if we like, but we're alright._

_Lose control, live wild, but we're alright._

_We are young, keep our teeth nice and clean._

_See our friends, see the sights we're alright._

**AN: How do you guys like drunk Bella?! LOL! I based her behavior on how I act when I get drunk... everything is funny, everyone's my BF, and I dance like a whore! LOL! **

**So I decided to keep Jacob as the BF, minus the unhealthy jelousy. What do you guys think... Any ideas or suggestions?!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5-**

Edward caught me quickly, looking down at me his eyes were full of worry. I just smiled to show him I was ok. I'm certain that even if he was able to hear me over the music I wouldn't have been capable of talking anyway. One of his strong hands supported my whole body at the small of my back. Two of his fingers were exposed to my bare skin below my shirt. His hand was cold but felt amazing on my hot skin. This contact was driving me crazy, electrical sparks were surging from his hand into my chest and I sucked in a heaving breath. He set me straight and dropped his hand to his side. Then turned and punched Emmett in the arm glaring at him furiously. The loss of his hand on my back felt like robbery, my body ached to be close to his again. I looked up and saw what looked like Edward and Emmett having a quick conversation. Could they really hear each other?! I couldn't even hear myself! Edward rolled his eyes at Emmett who was currently pointing at me with a huge grin on his face. Edward looked down at me and held his hand out motioning to the dance floor. I smiled like a child being handed a large ice cream cone and placed my hand in his. He led me to the center of the floor, then spun me around and pulled me in, my back against his chest. My body ignited with electrical currents. The music was seeping it's way back into my spine taking over me once again. All my inhibitions and meekness faded as my body rocked and swayed with Edward's. My heart sped up flittering out of control. The men's eyes returned to my body again. I closed my eyes, ignoring them. I belonged to Edward and no one else. I imagined I was alone with Edward in this huge room. I focused on the beat and his body on my back. My hands grabbed his that lay lightly over my hips. I rubbed them then moved up over his hands to my stomach and the sides of my chest to my neck, then reached behind me to grab Edward around his neck.

The song changed, I spun around and replaced my arms around his neck. He smiled at our new position, but all I could do was stare into his liquid eyes. The pace was a little slower, so I slowed my movements to match the rhythm. I ground my hips in time with the music into his thigh. I gasped as pleasure shot through body and my chest arched into his. Edward moaned softly. Now our entire bodies were moving together, slow and deliberate. He lowered his head to the side of mine, our cheeks touching. I could feel his cool breath on my neck speeding up and becoming harder and harder to match my own. The sweet smell of his breath washing over my face was too much, I ground my self more forcefully against him and moaned his name into the music, thankful he couldn't hear me. Edward turned his face and I could feel his nose and breath on the delicate flesh of my neck. My eyes rolled back then closed in euphoria, and my head lolled back involuntarily giving him free range to my throat. I felt his lips brush my skin and then his teeth grazing in their wake. I gasped at the throbbing desire blooming throughout my body. I felt his chest vibrate from deep inside almost as if he had just growled. When I looked up to see what was happening he was gone. I looked around confused. He had just been holding me a second ago. Where was he. The deep pleasure I had been submerged in disappeared leaving hurt and rejection to fight for priority. Another pair of hands grabbed me and I looked up to see Mike smiling. I pushed his hands away and ran as fast as I could through the tight crowd of people. Tears were making there way freely down my cheeks. I was so confused. He had asked _me_ to dance. It was amazing dancing with Edward, unlike any sensation I've ever had. I was even pretty sure he had been about to kiss me too. I never really thought about having a boyfriend, but now Edward was all I could think about. Those couple of minutes we danced together I had felt whole for the first time in my life. Like there was nothing missing, he completed me.

I was having trouble seeing now, tears were clouding my eyes. I wiped them away while clutching at the pain in my chest. I finally got out of the room and found myself facing an open door to the basement. I leaned all my weight onto the wall and stood there tears falling, staring into the dim stairwell replaying my last couple of seconds with Edward over and over. No matter how I tried I couldn't understand. I needed to be alone. I felt Closter phobic suddenly with so many people so close. I brushed my hair out of my face and walked into the basement seeking some privacy and open room.

I made my way down the length of stairs. When I reached the bottom I looked around at the large room. It was beautiful. There was wall to wall carpeting, a huge sectional wrapped around three of the walls, a pool table, a bar, and a ridiculous flat screen plasma television that had to weigh five times more then me. I sighed with relief at the amount of open space down here, even if I wasn't alone. A group of five strange boys peered at me curiously from the couch. They looked like they were upset I had interrupted them.

"Sorry… I didn't know anyone was down here." I mumbled heading back to the stairs.

"Oh, it's alright beautiful." a gentle sluggish voice cooed from the couch. I turned and saw one of the boys had stood up. He was tall, but had little to no muscle mass. His hair was long and black. He wore jeans that were tight and a t-shirt that was fitted snugly to his wiry frame. At first glance he looked like the lead singer of Jet. "Why don't you sit down and introduce yourself?" He asked with an expressionless face pointing to an open seat next to him on the couch.

I sighed and turned around to decline politely, something about these guys sitting alone in a dark basement at a house part felt off. I couldn't help but smile slightly when I saw the clear bottle in his hand. "You've got drinks", I remembered the amazingly free sensation that I had dancing with Jacob and longed for it. I had to do something to ease this painful hole growing in my chest.

"We've got allot better then drinks, honey" The Jet guy chuckled, a slow smile spreading over his face finally portraying an emotion. I walked over and sat down. He slumped down next to me leaving a gap between us that I was grateful for. He handed me the large bottle, "Drink up".

"I'm not going to drink out of the bottle. Aren't there glasses anywhere?" I shuddered at the thought of placing my lips on the bottle's opening where all these strangers mouths had been. There was only one mouth I wanted to touch…

"Danny, go get her a cup" The guy next to me said smiling hugely and raising his eyebrows at a younger looking kid. It was a weird expression that creaped me out. He got up and moved out of the room. A minute later he returned with cup full of liquor and I thanked him. I sipped it slowly, just because I enjoyed the numbing effect didn't mean I liked the strong burning taste. I smelt smoke and looked up at the group that were all smiling at me almost expectantly. They were passing around a small blunt and I could feel my eyes bulging wide and staring. My cheeks blushed as I thought about getting up and making an excuse to leave.

Danny passed the blunt over to me and I took it then went to hand it to the guy sitting next to me.

"Go on, try it." He said. "that's good stuff. You won't be able to feel anything for like… hours." His grin flashed across his lips but didn't make it to his eyes.

I sat there frozen. What was I doing? I didn't smoke… especially not weed! But his last words were so tempting. You won't be able to feel anything… My mind seemed to be working so slowly, it was taking too long to process the information I was mulling over.

"I… I don't know how. I don't smoke.." I mumbled. I was embarrassed for sounding so naïve and my blush returned.

"Just take in a long slow drag, and don't breath out any of the smoke." I followed his instructions inhaling as much as I could, and not exhaling. "Alright, now pretend like your swallowing the smoke that's in your mouth, it will go to your lungs. Then hold it there for like three seconds." Once again I did as I was told. I could feel the hot smoke swirling around my chest uncomfortably. I held it there and after a few seconds the burning became to much and I exhaled gasping for fresh air. I couldn't find it quick enough and I starting choking on the thick smoke. Danny took the blunt back and it made it's way around the room again. I watched it waiting for the effect to take place. How long does this stuff take to work? It reached me again and I took it repeating the instructions. Fifteen minutes and five pulls later I was still waiting for that numb feeling. I saw the black haired guy next to me pop a white pill into his mouth and then slide closer to me. He held out another pill in front of my face offering. I smiled with wide eyes a little freaked out.

"No. No thanks", I pushed his hand away from me. E was where I drew the line. Who were these guys?! I looked around the room and my heart starting racing. They were all staring at me intently. What were they looking at. The guy I had been calling Jet in my head wrapped his skinny arm around my waist. I turned to look at him and the room spun around before my eyes. My head was too heavy and the noises in my ear were slurring together. I felt Jet's fingers hook onto the belt loops on my pants and pin me down to the couch. I didn't like him touching me, or the fact that I couldn't move, yet I couldn't think why. I tried to stand up but my limbs weren't working. I slumped into the couch further propped up only by Jet's torso. This wasn't good. I could see a white smoke slowly fogging my vision in the back of my head. I was fighting with everything I had to stay conscious. I felt so vulnerable sitting here on a couch surrounded by five guys I didn't know. I wouldn't be able to scream if I had to, I couldn't remember how. Anxiety and paranoia filled my mind and all I could think about was Edward. Where was he? Was he upstairs only a few feet away? Maybe if I could get to him… I felt a desperate need to be in his arms. When I looked into his eyes I felt safe. I knew he could protect me, it oozed from his very being. I stood up so fast that Jet didn't have time to get a sturdy grasp on me. I was shocked that I was able to stand never mind the near impossible task of getting up the stairs. Somehow I made it but I could feel the fog in my head overpowering me. My legs began to shake as my eyes darted frantically around the hordes of people searching for something I couldn't remember. Everything was moving so slow. There was a loud ringing in my ears that was beginning to hurt. I couldn't concentrate I grabbed my head and squeezed it trying to quiet the appalling racket. Shapes started swirling around my eyes and I felt a stab of nausea, then everything went black.

I felt a sharp pain on my tailbone and the back of my head. They were the only things I could feel so I concentrated on them. My eyes were open but I couldn't see or hear anything. I had no idea where I was, what time it was, or even who I was. After a minute a nervous looking girl came into view, I couldn't remember if I knew her or not.

"Are you ok?!" She demanded. We were surrounded by people still dancing. I couldn't say anything my voice stopped working. I gaped up at her the fear in my head matching her terrorized eyes. "you just collapsed right here in the middle of the dance floor!" She helped me stand up and I left her while I started to make my way through the crowd again. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. My eyes were bugging out of head and couldn't focus on anything. I got to the kitchen before the ringing returned to my ears. I stood still, lost in my own mind. I could only make out random shapes and colors moving too fast around my horrified eyes. I threw my hand out and reached to the countertop for support but before I got there my world turned black again.

There was a new pain to focus on now. My right cheek throbbed in time to the music. I tried to feel it with my hand but I couldn't move. I felt the cold tears on my face and they felt amazing on the flaming pain erupting from my cheek.

"Bella!" Someone shouted into my ear. I groaned quietly. My head was too heavy and the confusing noises drowning my thoughts were too much. My eyes rolled open and I saw a familiar face an inch away from mine. "Bella, are you ok?" Mike asked. He was holding me up. My entire body was limp and sagging into his arms. He looked worried but his face was red and his breath smelt like alcohol.

"Uh huh, fine…" I balanced my self out and stepped out of his arms.

"Bella, you just passed out and cracked your face on the counter, your not fine! Look at you! You're so messed up! Who'd you come here with? You need to go home…!" He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I couldn't absorb his angry words. My mind was trying too hard to remain conscious. I started loosing the war with my legs and grabbed onto Mike's polo for help.

"Shit, Bella! What did you take?!" I wished he would stop talking. His shouting just added to the throbbing pain in my ears. I regained my stability and left Mike at the counter staring at me outraged. I was having trouble breathing in the thick hot air from the crowded house. I moved to the back door slowly. It took everything I had to not collapse like my legs were begging for. It felt like I was moving through a rippling ocean of people moving this way and that. They swayed eerily slow in unison as if they made up the oceans swelling waves. One face protruded from the rest and was walking towards me.

I felt my already uneasy stomach drop as my heart raced against my ribs. Jet reached out and grabbed hold of my shirt. I tried to pull him off weakly but it only angered him more.

"Where are you off to, Bella?" He asked. My eyes darted around the room for someone to help. It was too crowded no one was paying attention to anyone around them. I spotted the back door only a couple feet to my right. I was very aware that Jet's hand had moved, and was now clutching a chunk of my hair making it impossible to run.

Chapter 5: **Up Against The Wall**, 'NSynk -

(This song is kind of self explanatory. It's in Edward's point of view.)

_The disco ball came down, she walked up to me so, and you know what happens now. _

_The girl was fine and she knew she had game… She took my hand, we never said a word at all. We started grinding, shorty had me up against a wall… _

_Cause' I got to have more, looking for somebody to hit the dance floor., and lucky for me I see a fine young lady's eyeing me. .. _

_She turned around and she worked in the worst way, What more do I have to say?! _

_Standing next to strobe light, dancing hot, looking tight…._

**AN: Ooohhh... I loved this chapter!! So much drama! What creepy guys right?! As always please respond. I love the nice long ones. tell me what you think, and what you want to see.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning: ****Hey guys, thanks for reading and reviewing! I just wanted to let you know that I love drama. I'm a drama queen at heart so this story is going to be dramatic. I apologize if that's not your thing, but this plot is already mapped out so I can't change it. It's going to end up being pretty long too, and I plan on updating regularly. **

**Also, try to remember Bella is really drunk right now, she also took five drags of weed (which for your first time, especially when you're really skinny is A LOT!!) , and those major creepers in the basement slipped something in her drink. THAT'S CRAZY!! That's why she's all weak and messed up at the moment. Someone who is that intoxicated really can't think straight or defend themselves so cut the girl some slack. LOL! **

**Chapter 6- **

I tried to think of a possible way I could escape from Jet's hands but my mind was groggily processing my thoughts at an achingly slow pace. It dawned on me that I had no chance to get out of this. What did he want from me?! My face screwed up in torment and fear while my tears continued to fall. My breath was hitching and I started to sway again. I knew what he wanted. He had probably wanted it all along and there was nothing to stop him from getting it now. Everyone was too busy partying to notice a single girl being pulled to some dark corner in this huge house. Nobody would hear my cries over the loud music. Nobody would even miss me. Jacob was having his own fun, just like he thought I was doing. Edward probably already forgot that I was even at this party. I could see him easily talking and dancing with Lauren or Jessica. Someone who was closer to his worthiness then I was.

The sharp pain in my chest pierced right through the numbness that had taken over me. I felt my hair being yanked forcefully in the opposite direction. My heart accelerated and in a desperate attempt I screamed out, "Mike, Mike Help me!!". I was staring over Jet's head at nothing in particular. I knew that Mike had left the room a couple of minutes ago in a fuss, but Jet didn't know that. He let go of me and spun around to see who I was staring at, trying to tell if he should bolt. I took my chance and ran clumsily out the back door into the yard that was full of even more swarms of people. The freezing air washed over my bare arms and shoulders after the hot temperature from inside. I wanted to find Jacob but was scared to go back into the house where Jet was probably looking for me so I just kept running. I reached the end of the backyard where the soft manicured grass met the earth on the bottom of the forest floor. I turned around and to my horror saw Jet searching the yard and the crowd of partiers. Two seconds later his eyes met mine. I gasped jumping into the forest and ran as fast as I could. I felt tree limbs and bushes grazing my shoulders and arms as I ran but ignored them. I needed to put as much distance between us as possible. I was out of breath and the tears streaming down my face were uncomfortable in the freezing air.

After a couple of minutes I couldn't remember why I was running so I stopped. Where was I? How did I get here? My body started to shake uncontrollably in response to either the frigid wind or my fear. I wrapped my arms around my chest and tried to regain some balance by leaning against a tree. I looked up with wide horrified eyes at the dead tree tops. They were undulating in an unnatural way causing my stomach to become uneasy. Shades of blue and black were swirling around my vision and a horribly loud whooshing sound was piercing my ears.

"What's happening to me?" I cried to myself. The world was spinning around me and I couldn't fight with my legs for another second. I felt myself slide down the trunk of the tree and land on the dirt. I scrunched my body up in a ball trying to conserve body heat. Everything was moving in slow motion, getting slower and slower until it stopped all together.

I floated in a vast black ocean for an eternity with no thought. All I could do was peer into the pitch trying to find a patch of light. A faint voice made it's way into my hearing. It was so lovely and warm. I tried to see where it was coming from but was swallowed in darkness. The voice never stopped, and a faint blob of light bled into my vision slowly. I strained my eyes to make out the exquisite spot a little better. Second by second the fuzziness was squeezing together to form straighter, more pronounced lines. I recognized it was Edward's beautiful face leaning over me. He was gazing down with pain and horror painted over his handsome features.

I wanted to reach up to him, tell him it was ok. That I was ok. A face that close to God's should never look so upset. I failed dismally at my attempt to stroke his cheek. My arms and legs felt like they were full of lead. When I tried to move them I became exhausted almost immediately. The wind blew again and my body shuddered automatically in response. Edward leant away from me and removed his expensive looking grey wool topcoat. He wrapped it around my body in one fluid motion. It was way too large but smelled divine drenched in his heavenly scent. I couldn't help but turn my face into the heavy material and inhaled deeply. The aroma filled my lungs and spread warming me almost instantaneously, and my body relaxed. I looked up at him gratefully but he was looking up into the sky. A minute later he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Bella, what am I going to do with you?" he whispered turning his face down to me. I had no idea what he was talking about and the throbbing headache wasn't helping. I sat there staring into his eyes like a fool while my cheeks burned with a fresh blush. I felt embarrassed for being found in this situation. All I had wanted to do for months was impress Edward Cullen. Yet the first time we were alone outside of school I had gotten myself intoxicated enough to pass out in the middle of a forest. I was ashamed knowing how he would now think of me. I was the cliché' of a silly teenaged girl. The kind of girl who attends ridiculous house parties and loses control of herself. How original…

He picked me up into his arms and gently cradled me against his chest. The consuming fear that had filled me for what seemed like hours melted away. There was no place I would rather be. No place I would feel safer then right here. I felt whole again.

I allowed my eyelids to shut as Edward carried me back in the direction of the party and before I knew what was happening I had fallen back into unconsciousness.

As soon as I woke up I wished I could return to the lovely numb oblivion. I felt horrible. My stomach was twisting into angry knots, my heavy head was throbbing, and my body felt like it had been recently involved in a car crash. I went to turn roll over but ceased immediately at the sharp jabs of pain that shocked my system like I was being electrocuted. My tailbone, the back of my head, and the right side of my face all protested angrily. How did I bang myself up so badly?

I opened my eyes and saw that I was in my room. The dreary grey light streaming through my window indicated another grim Forks morning. I carefully sat up and looked myself up and down trying to see the extent of damage that had been caused. I quickly became distracted when I realized I was wearing a huge grey sweatshirt covered in geometric black dots. The arms had been rolled up several times and it fell all the way down my thighs. I was still wearing my low riders from the night before but my bare feet had been covered in a pair of men's tube socks. I smiled widely at the comical sight. The feet were too long, about three inches of saggy material hung over the tips of my toes.

When I heard movement and voices from downstairs I glanced over at my alarm clock to see what time it was. 12:23pm?! I had slept through the entire morning! I jumped out of bed ignoring the protesting of my beat up body and ran to take a shower.

After I was clean I threw on a pair of old sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt to cover the small scrapes that and bruises on my arms. I glanced in the mirror to see what my cheek looked like. I was red and was littered with little visible veins that must have burst. Charlie would be upset if he thought I was hurt so I threw on some cover up to hide the mark. I walked into the living room to find Jacob sprawled out over the couch face down with one hand dangling to the floor. Loud snores were erupting from his hidden face and I had to laugh. Charlie walked in from the kitchen with folded arms looking a little put off.

"I'm so glad he was there to watch out for you last night" he stated sarcastically glaring at Jacob's form. "How did you get him home? He has to be three times the size of you." Charlie's brows were furrowed in curiosity.

I kept my eyes fixed on Jacob scared that Charlie would see the obvious lie on my face. "Oh… you know… Jacob wasn't _that_ bad." I answered, brushing off the question in what I hoped was a believable manner. I could smell the heavy scent of beer wafting off of him and knew Charlie wouldn't believe a word I had just said.

"Yeah, sure he wasn't kiddo." he laughed. "I was a teenager once too you know. I remember the kind of night that caused mornings like this", he stated as he pointed at Jacob. "Look I have to run to the station today, will you be okay until later tonight?" I looked up at him and could see that he wasn't really angry at Jacob. Charlie probably felt obligated to go through the motions of being an upset farther for my benefit. I smiled appreciating his wasted efforts and nodded. "Love you, Bells." he called as he headed out the door and waved goodbye.

When I heard his cruiser pull out of the driveway I plopped myself heavily onto Jacob's back. "What the?!…" He jumped up, easily knocking me to the ground. I grimaced at the wave of pain both impacts had caused to my body. Not a smart move, Bella, I scolded myself… I looked up at Jacob who had fallen back onto the couch clutching his head. "Ughh.. What happened last night?…" He groaned with closed eyes and his face twisted in pain.

A giggle escaped my lips, "Believe me, I know how you feel." He opened his eyes and reached his hand out to me. I grabbed it and he lifted me to the couch. He sat next to me in silence for a couple of minutes nursing his head. Out of nowhere he suddenly laughed loudly, remembering a scene from the night before. "Bella, you need to learn how to hold your liquor!". I scrunched my face up in anger glaring at him but said nothing. What _could _I say, he was right. I could only remember the first hour or so of the party from last night. Not knowing what I did, or what happened to me for an entire night freaked me out to no end. I felt a shiver make it's way up my spine. _What did happen last night? _

"Oh, I only drink hard liquor", Jacob raised his voice so high it hurt trying to impersonate me. We both smiled and I whacked him hard in the chest.

"Shut up, Jake".

"Hey, I'm not complaining…", he raised his eyebrows and threw both hands in the air. "I love drunk Bella." He grinned widely and stood up.

"In fact, I think every boy in town loves drunk Bella!" I frowned and furrowed my eyebrows getting upset I didn't know what he was talking about. Jacob started dancing to no music with the huge grin still in place. His hands moved slowly to his long shiny hair and his hips swayed back and forth ridiculously. He looked absurd. "Oh, Jacob, I love this song!" The movements of his hips intensified. "Dance with me, Jacob!" He begged in his horrible impression of my voice.

My mouth popped open as a scene flashed into my memory. I was dancing with Jacob, then by my self, and then with… My heart started racing and my cheeks flamed at the thought. Jacob must have noticed because he stopped dancing immediately. He grabbed me off the couch, and wrapped his arms around me.

"Come on, Bells. Don't be embarrassed.", he cooed softly into my hair. "You're not the first person to get tipsy at a party, besides,", I could feel his wide grin return, " it was really hot." He squeezed me a little harder and kissed the top of my head then dropped his arms. I barley absorbed what he had just said. My mind raced with the memory of Edward and I being so close. My cheeks grew hotter the longer I thought about it. My stomach was twisting savagely inside me. I would have never danced like that in my right state of mind. Even worse, I could vividly remember the intoxicating pleasure of our closeness, then it being ripped away without warning. A tear trickled down my burning cheek.

Chapter 6: **Hide and Seek**, Imogen Heap -

(This song always get's me a little emotional. The whole situation with Bella and Jet was based on the scariest night of my life and this song makes me think about it. It's how Bella and I were feeling when she was drugged up and trying to get away from Jet.)

_Where are we?_

_What the hell is going on?!_

_The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet._

_Thinking… feeling._

_Spin me round again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening!_

_Busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their hands heavy._

_Hide and Seek._

_Trains and sewing machines_

_Oil marks on the wall where pleasure moments once hung before. _

_They take over. _

_The sweeping insensitivity of this life._

_Hide and Seek._

_I can't catch me!_

_Hide and Seek._

_They were here first._

_What do you say?_

_That you only meant well, because you didn't!_

_That it's all for the best, because it isn't!_

_Well, hmm, What do you say?_

_What did she say?_

_Bits and pieces keep falling out your mouth._

_I speak no feeling, just unbelieving._

_You can't admit that you don't care a bit._

_You don't care at all._

_Where are we?_

_What the hell is going on?!_

**AN: I love Jake like this. What do you guys think? I tried to make him funny, like how a real guy friend would react to drunk Bella.**

**RESPOND!! **


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Thank you to all of my readers! Thank you double to the reviewers, especially Katy!! **

**I would like to let you all know I haven't forgotten about Bella's eating disorder. I'm following the natural progression of a real battle with anorexia. After the first couple of months you become used to the routine of exorcising and under eating, so you don't really think about it. The story is told in Bella's perspective i.e. it's not mentioned a lot. As the story progresses it will become more obvious and in your face. **

**I'm glad you liked the last chapter… and without further ado here is chapter 7. **

**Chapter - 7**

I sat at my kitchen table watching as Jacob inhaled his third bowl of cereal. My stomach growled jealously but ignored it. I didn't even want to think about how many calories I drank last night. I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself. My heart started to race after I wondered if my weight had gone up, I hadn't checked yet today. I was furious and wished the liquid was still in my stomach so I could throw it up. How could I lose control like that after all my hard work? I could practically see the flab forming on my thighs in front of my eyes. _That's it! No food at all today! _I couldn't allow myself to slack off like that. Maybe if I got hungry enough I would be able to restrain myself next time.

I turned my head away from the food and the dancing scene from the night before kept replaying over and over again in my mind. While I sat trying to figure out what had happened, why Edward had run away, random pieces of the previous night kept popping into my head. They had no order, and made no sense. I could recall sitting on a counter with Jacob close by drinking and laughing, the horrible dance floor catastrophe, then I saw perfectly manicured grass, Mike Newton holding me in his arms, _what the hell?!_,a dim basement occupied by a group of strangers, and a bunch of dead tree tops swaying eerily in the wind. I was pretty sure I had dreamed that last one. How could I have seen those trees during a house party?

"Are you ok, Bells?", Jacob asked in between bites of Count Chocula. "You look like your head is a million miles away." He lifted the bowl and slurped down the left over milk loudly without moving his eyes away from me.

"Yeah, fine… I'm just trying to remember last night." I frowned slightly at my lack of progress.

"Seriously, don't worry about last night. Remember how crowded that place was? I doubt anyone saw you making a fool of yourself." He flashed me his wining smile and added, "Well, anyone besides those guys watching you _shake it_." I rolled my eyes and sighed angrily.

"Jake, has anyone ever taught you how to let some things go?!", I demanded. I was aggravated enough without him teasing me.

"Awww… you're so cute when you're pissed.", he sang in a baby voice, as if he was talking to a puppy. He reached over and patted my head. I huffed and smacked the back of his head as hard as I could but he merely laughed.

"It really doesn't bother you all that you can't remember anything?" I shouted.

"_You're_ the one that can't remember anything, Captain Morgan! I was fine until, like… one, when everyone started leaving, that's when things started getting fuzzy." His eyebrows pulled together as he thought about it. "We hung out in the kitchen for a while, then we started dancing. You ditched me, so I started dancing with a random. After like an hour we got more drinks then started making out… now that I'm think about it that girl was pretty hot. I should have asked her what her name was…" I stared at him open mouthed in disgust. Guys can be such morons.

"You didn't even know her name?" He just shrugged, clearly un-offended by my death glares.

"Nah, didn't catch it. The last thing I can remember is Edward Cullen asking me about you." he said the words as if they weren't important at all, his eyes landed on mine full of curiosity.

"Edward asked about me?! What did he say?! What did you say?!", I asked a little too eagerly.

Jacob must have seen something he liked in my face because he was smiling wider then I had ever seen before. His right eyebrow raised slowly and I realized what was coming a second too late. I stood up and flung my arms in the air. "Never mind, I don't want to know!" I tried to make a run for it but Jacob was too quick. He grabbed my arm and tilted his head slightly to the side.

"Interested are we?" His eyebrows shot so far up his forehead they got lost in his hair. My face scrunched angrily and I could feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment. "I will admit that those Cullen men are quite dashing.", he added with a cheesy British accent then started laughing at his own lame attempt at humor. I'm glad _someone_ thought he was funny. I covered my face with my hands and groaned. My head hurt way too much for this conversation.

"Relax, Bells. I'm done, I swear", he promised as he covered his heart with his right hand, but I noticed the smirk was still plastered to his face. "Listen, I should probably get going. My dad and I are supposed to go to Sue's for lunch today. I'm already going to be late." As he picked his empty bowl up off the table and placed it in the sink I remembered something.

"Oh! Jake, wait! Let me go get your clothes." I started to walk towards the stairs but Jacob stopped me.

"What clothes?", he asked with a curious expression. Charlie was right, Jacob must have been pretty bad last night.

"You know, the sweater and socks from last night. You probably put them on me when you brought me home". His face scrunched up.

"Bella, I didn't have a sweater with me last night… and I'm still wearing my socks." He lifted up his jeans to prove his point. "…and I have no idea how we got home…". His eyes roamed to the ceiling trying to remember.

"They're not yours?!" I asked shocked. I could feel my mouth hanging open as I had a small heart attack. Who's clothes were they?! Why did I wake up wearing some guy's clothes and not have a clue how they got on me?! I felt dirty.

"Jeez, Bella. You sure get friendly after a couple of drinks!" Jacob laughed lightly and flashed a small smile at me, but I could tell from the look on his face he was just as upset as I was. It bothered him not knowing how I ended up in some unknown guy's clothing. We stood there with matching frowns for a couple of minutes before Jacob remembered he was leaving. He grabbed the back of my head lightly and kissed my forehead.

"Be good, Bells", He called over his shoulder as he walked out the door. I was about to go up to my room and attempt to sleep off my headache when I remembered something Jacob had said. I ran out the door and into the street as fast as I could barefoot.

"Jake!", I shouted, "Hey, Jake, wait!". He stopped and turned around to look at me.

"What's up, Bells?".

A fresh blush erupted onto my cheeks and I looked down at my frozen toes. Jacob smiled knowingly,

"He wanted to know where you were.", Jacob explained without having to be asked. "He said he wanted to talk to you… to explain something… I don't know, I was kind of distracted at the time." His smile grew and I could practically see him remembering his kissing session. I frowned and punched him in the arm. It wasn't enough to make him flinch but he looked down at me and smiled softly. His huge hands grabbed my upper arms gently and he crouched down so he was at my eye level. "I'm serious Bella, you could do allot worse then Edward Cullen." My heart melted a little at the sincerity of his words. Sure we joked around but I knew that Jacob really cared about me. He was trying to give me his seal of approval without making me embarrassed.

I smiled up at him throwing my arms around his neck. I leaned in to within an inch of his ears and whispered, "Yeah, like you?!". I quickly kissed him on the cheek before he could process my words and ran to the house giggling. Half way to the door I heard something along the lines of; "You wish….".

I sighed when I got to my bedroom. I had only been awake for a couple of hours but I was already fighting my eyelids to stay open. I strolled over to my dresser to get a pair of socks for my freezing feet. The socks from this morning were laid out on the top of the dresser with the dotted grey hoodie. I picked the sweater up and looked at the tag. I didn't know what I was expecting, we didn't live in the 50's so I knew there wouldn't be a name sewed into it. I gasped when I read in bold black letters spelling out, **MARK by MARK JACOB**. This sweater had to have cost somewhere around three hundred dollars! I dropped it like the lavish fabric was burning my hands. What teenager in Forks could afford to wear designer _sweatshirts_? Then I knew. Edward Cullen, that's who could wear designer sweatshirts. He probably wore designer underwear. I blushed furiously at the thought. I bent down and picked up the expensive sweater lifting it to my nose. I inhaled the amazing scent greedily. It washed over me and I thought about what Jacob had said just moments ago. Edward had been looking for me at the party. My head raced with the possible things he could have wanted. I felt my stomach lurch when I remembered for the hundredth time today, Edward disappearing off the dance floor. I had obviously upset him some how. I didn't want to think about what he might have said if he found me. Did he want to end our friendship? I couldn't argue with that. It wasn't natural for someone as glorious as Edward Cullen to associate with someone as plain as me.

My head began to throb again so I kicked off my pants and let my hair down. After inhaling Edward's head lightening scent a couple more times I pulled the sweater over my head then pulled on the absurdly large socks. I turned to peer into my mirror across the room. The hefty sweater's sleeves hung over my arms completely hiding my hands and then some, and it fell almost to me knees. The socks were pulled up, but because of their size drooped baggily down my calfs. I looked completely ridiculous, and I loved it. I was wearing Edwards clothes. At some point last night he had found me and had his arms around me, even if it was only to wrap a sweatshirt around my body. He had cared.

Chapter 7: **Big Love**, Chicken -

(This song is what Bella's feeling at the end of the chapter while she's looking at herself in the mirror. She gives in to her desire for Edward. All she can think about is getting more. .. But don't we all, hehe!)

_Give me more I can't get enough, I need your big love._

_You're all the things that I adore._

_The way you walk, the way you talk just drives me crazy. It's not enough._

_Can't wait to see you, got me rushing home when I am done._

_Your 99.9 is pretty good but it's not enough._

_If you won't give me love why am I wasting my time?_

_I could be kicking back, instead I am losing my mind._

_Saying Give Me More._

_Every time I look into your mind I'm seeing things I've never seen before. _

_You've got me feeling things I've never felt before._

_But it's enough._

_You've got my heart in your hand. When will I hear you say I love you?_

**AN- Did you like?! OK guys I'm really bad at chapter names so I need help. If you can think of a hot name for any or all of the chapters so far please let me know. **

**Also, Count Chocula, the very deadliest of all cereals hahaha!! Did you guys pick up on that?!**

**How cute was Jacob at the end of the chapter? I don't know why I'm making him so nice but I can't stop it! And to the Jacob haters, he's out of the picture for a while. Enter… Edward. (and the crowd goes wild!)… ?! Sorry I'm a little tired hehe….**

**Did you guys like the Bella/sweatshirt scene? I really feel like the sweater held it's own. LOL!! Sorry… tired. Yeah, I thought her reaction was cute. What do you guys think?**

**BE RESPONSIBLE… RESPOND! LOL, nah I'm Jkin', respond if you want to!**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: As you have all probably realized by now, I posted a list of songs that went with each chapter. I hope you all read it. It was just something fun, and to help you understand the story a little more. If you do/don't like the songs please let me know. **

**Also If you have any songs you think would work better feel free to suggest!**

**A little shout out to AllyR! Thank You! Keep Reading!!**

Chapter 8: Sweet Escape, Gwen Stefanie featuring Akon

(This song talks has Bella realizing her mistakes from the other night. She acted irresponibly and sees that It's hurting Edward. Bella wants Edward to forgive her, and for their relationship to come out undamaged.)

So baby, times get a little crazy  
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me  
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me  
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me  
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world  
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together  
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)  
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)  
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)  
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet?

**Chapter 8 - **

I slept through the rest of the afternoon on Sunday, and when Monday morning rolled around I knew it wouldn't have been a problem to sleep straight through till Tuesday. I carefully folded my new favorite pajamas and tucked them under my sheet trying to preserve their sweet aroma.

When I got to school everyone was buzzing about the Lauren's party. People were running around the hallways and gossiping excitedly, I moaned. Something is wrong with these people, it's eight fifteen on Monday morning! They should be stumbling around with their eyes closed. I started making my way to my locker shaking my head. Two lockers away from my own I heard someone calling my name. Nick Hirsch, a senior who was a notorious lady's man stood leaning against the wall across from me. I could tell he was pretty full of himself after one day of listening to him talk at our lunch table, and I naturally avoided him at all cost.

"Oh, hey Nick." I waved without looking up and continued walking. Maybe he was smarter then he looked and would take the hint.

"I saw you at Lauren's party.", guess not. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I stopped dead in my tracks. Did I have a sign on my head that read, _Bella Swan is available and willing!_, or something?! I rolled my eyes after he flashed his cheesy grin. "You were looking pretty hot." The boy certainly had a way with words.

"Thanks, Nick." I mumbled and starting squirming my shoulders in an attempt to shake free from his heavy arm. The cologne he was wearing was so strong my head was spinning. He must have thought it was funny because he started laughing.

"It's funny, Newton always talked about you and I never understood it. After Saturday though…" his eyes glazed over and he got that same look Jacob had when he was remembering his mystery make out session. My cheeks burned because I had no idea what he was remembering.

"Well, what do you say, Swan? You want to grab dinner on Friday or something? ". He leant in a little closer to my ear and whispered, "Maybe we can go dancing.", in what I assumed he meant to be a seductive manner. My face twisted in disgust and anger and my mouth hung open.

"Umm…, no thanks, Nick." I pushed his arm off me and turned to my locker intent on getting away from him quickly. What I saw there made my stomach dropped and heart speed up, I was beginning to get used to the feeling you experience right before you pass out. Edward Cullen was leaning on my locker gazing at me with utter amusement. He was wearing a snug fitted white button down with one sleeve bunched up to above his elbow. Both hands were hidden in his tight grey jean's front pockets and his left leg was bent behind him resting on my locker. His crooked grin and sparkling eyes knocked the breath right out of my lungs. It was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen.

I tried with everything I had to keep my blushing at bay, but it was no use. "What!? Are you serious?!". The shouting distracted me from the glorious sight of Edward waiting for me. My head spun around to see Nick still standing in the exact spot I left him. He was glaring at me in outrage and took two steps towards me with such anger that I actually flinched. He opened his mouth to start shouting again but his expression changed suddenly. He just stood there for a couple of seconds then stomped down the hall. When I turned back to looked over at Edward I gasped. He was standing right behind me, if I'd have moved an inch we would have touched. His hands were balled up so tight his knuckles were white. His perfect brows were pulled together and his jaw was clenched.

"Imbecile" he growled between clenched teeth I stared into the fierce pools that were his eyes until they calmed and his smile flicked back over his face. He breathed out deeply and turned to me. "Good morning, Bella". his velvet voice washed over me and I felt a wide grin spread over my face. "I was wondering if I could talk to you about the other night?" He took the books I had been carrying from my arms without a word and walked the last couple of steps to my locker. I followed him trying to get my mouth and brain to work at the same time. He turned around and looked down at me expectantly.

"Yeah, sure Edward. What about the other night?" I was petrified of what his answer would be.

His smile faded slightly. "I was actually thinking more along the lines of a lunch date, seeing as how the bell is about to ring in seven seconds." My eyes widened and my face flooded with shock. Did Edward just ask me on a date? I reprimanded myself almost immediately for the too generous, heavenly thought. He just needed to talk to me about something.

"Of course, Edward." I smiled at the thought of us sitting together for an entire hour, no matter what he was going to say. I couldn't stop myself from looking forward to it. "Good." He said smiling largely. My heart stopped as the bell rang loudly informing us we were due in class. My mouth popped open in shock,. That had been seriously close to seven seconds. I looked at Edward curiously and he smirked.

I couldn't concentrate in any of my classes. My mind buzzed with every likely conversation that was possible, the good and the bad. Mostly my imagination carried me to a wonderful place where Edward and I would be sitting alone, uninterrupted by teachers or annoying jocks. As I faintly heard the English teacher rambling on about symbolisms, I wondered where Edward had wanted us to meet. Why hadn't I asked? I no clue where his last class was so I couldn't meet him there. However, I did know where he sat in the cafeteria with his brothers and sisters, all the way at the other end next to the windows. I scrunched my nose at the thought of walking up to that group of breathtaking people and just waiting for Edward to show up. When the lunch bell rang I grabbed my stuff and walked out the room still mulling over the possibilities. I needn't have worried, Edward was in the doorway smiling. He took my books and flung my bag over his shoulder.

"After you." He smiled sticking out his hand politely to allow me room to pass. I had to fight the overwhelming urge to place my hand in his, but managed and lead us down the stairs to the cafeteria. Edward grabbed a tray and started piling loads of food on it once we got on line. My stomach cramped at the delicious smells. I could have eaten the entire tray by myself, I hadn't eaten since Saturday and it was catching up to me. Though this caused me to be extremely uncomfortable physically I smiled at the thought. I _was_ in control. I knew I could ignore the hunger pains now, and the knowledge soothed my prior worries. A wave of relief passed over me. After he paid he led us to an empty table rather then walking over to sit with his family like I had assumed he would.

"Take whatever you'd like." He said placing the tray in front of me. The smell of the food so close to my face was too much. I pushed the tray away quickly without thinking about what I was doing. My eyes flew around the crowded room trying to see if anyone had noticed the large amounts of food in front of me. After the other night I didn't need any additional reasons for people to judge me. For about a fraction of a second I wondered why being seen with food in public bothered me so. The thought was pushed from my mind when I saw Edward looking at me puzzled.

"I'm not that hungry." the lie slipped easily from my mouth as my eyes scanned the crowd again. When they made their way back to his he was sporting the smallest frown.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Bella, but last I checked human beings require food to function." He raised his eyebrows in a sarcastic tone. I smirked in retort and grabbed the apple I had thrown in my bag that morning. I waved it in front of his face and took a huge bite.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked in an attempt to change the subject. It worked. He was silent for a couple of seconds as he tried to decide the best way to word what he was about to say. He looked straight into my eyes with such intensity that I stopped mid-chew.

"Bella, I want to apologize for the way I acted on Saturday." I tried to swallow the apple pieces that were preventing me from asking what he was talking about, but choked in my haste. What had _he _done wrong?! "I was unbelievably rude. I should have never left you alone, especially while you were in such a compromising state." His eyes were flooded with regret and self loathing. My heart ached at the sight.

My hand reached out to his, "Edward, it's ok, really. I put myself in that situation.". Why was he blaming himself for my being drunk? His eyes were fixed on our touching hands. I blushed and let go. His eyes remained on the spot where are hands had just been, he looked as is if he was about to cry. I got a rush of nervousness that flooded my system. I had no idea why Edward was acting this way.

"You have no idea how much I hated myself when I finally found you." My eyes darted to the side as I tried once again to remember the missing pieces of that night. Nope, nothing…

" I'm so sorry, Bella." His eyes finally met my own. They were so sad. "I will understand if you never want to see again." This was getting ridiculous.

"Edward, in all honesty… I have no idea what you're talking about." I tried to muster up a smile to reassure him. "And you have no reason to be blaming yourself like this." His eyes narrowed at my words. Suddenly they full of rage.

"You don't remember? You have no idea what happened?!" His reaction confirmed my fears that Jacob had blown off so casually. Obviously I had done something horrible.

"I remember us dancing…" It was a lame attempt to defend my memory. "I remember you disappearing." I regretted my words at once. His face crumpled in pain.

"Bella…" he sighed, "after I fully realized how idiotic I was behaving I looked for you everywhere. You have no idea how worried I was about you. I finally found someone who saw you come in with that guy, Jacob. I was terrified when I found that you weren't with him, that he didn't even _know_ where you were." His face gained a little bit of composure as it shifted from guilt to anger. "You might want to rethink your choice of date before the next event you attend. Maybe someone who could remember your name at the end of the evening would be a wiser choice." His nostrils flared at the memory. I couldn't stop myself from giggling at the thought that popped into my head… Jacob passed out on my couch.

"This isn't funny, Bella." He spat. I recoiled at his anger feeling like a child being reprimanded by it's teacher. "Anything could have happened to you and it would be just as much his fault as it was mine!"

"Edward, Jacob wasn't my date, he was my ride. We're just close friends." I felt a small bubble of annoyance at his accusations towards Jacob. He hadn't done anything wrong. I was the one he should be blaming.

"That means nothing. He was still responsible for you." despite his words his anger clearly subsided a little. He breathed out loudly. "I searched the property up and down for an hour but you were gone. I was utterly petrified." His eyes filled with heartache once more. "Someone saw you in the backyard, they said you ran into the forest."

"What?!" I asked confused. Why would I have gone in to the woods so late at night on my own? The woods had always scared me, never mind by myself at night.

"I found you about a hundred yards in. It was the scariest thing I had ever seen. You were freezing." I couldn't bear the sadness in his eyes, my own provided the tears that his couldn't form. "You were so small, huddled up in the dirt. I would have believed you dead if I couldn't have heard your heart." His mind was miles away as I tried to imagine the image of myself that he was seeing.

"Why?…" I asked. I couldn't think of a reason for my behavior.

"I don't know, I wish more then anything that I did." He pinched his perfect nose between his index finger and thumb as he closed his eyes. "I wrapped you up and brought you back to the house. I grabbed your stumbling friend and brought you both back to my house." I looked up. I had been in Edward Cullen's house? I hated myself for not remembering.

"My father is a doctor", he explained. "I wanted him to make sure you were ok. He ended up pumping your stomach." His eyes opened and peered at me. I looked down ashamed. I felt a little better at the thought of some of the fattening liquid being purged from my system. "Carlisle informed me that you were under other influences as well." What did that mean? He noticed my confusion. "Carlisle asked me to let you know about the harmful effects of marijuana." My eyes widened in horror and shock. "I brought you home after I was sure you were going to be ok. I left your friend there as well, I hadn't a clue where he lived." I felt so ashamed. How had I let myself behave so irresponsibly?

"Thank you, Edward", I breathed tears falling heavily down my cheeks. Could this man be any more perfect? He was truly my knight in shining armor, or rather my knight in Armani skinny jeans. I would never be able to express my gratitude adequately.

"Please… Please, don't thank me Bella. It was all my fault to begin with." He leaned over the table that seperated us and wiped my tears away with his cool fingers. His hand lingered on my cheek as he gazed deep into my ashamed eyes. My skin burned under his touch. "I should have never left you… I don't think I will be able to leave you ever again."

**AN: I know, that was a whoper... Whaddo' ya thank?!**

**Hehe… knight in Armani skinny jeans! That has to be my favorite quote so far.**

**Ughh… Edward is so hot, I'm jealous of my own damn imaginary characters!! :P !!**

**RESPOND!! **


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hey Readers! How you doing?! Thank you all so much for your support! Please keep the reviews coming! **

**I added a bunch of links onto my profile for this story, including the infamous **_**"knight in Armani skinny jeans" jeans**_**. So go check it out… I know you want. I want you all to look at those pants, and then picture Edward/Spunk Ransom in them… I know I know, I had a menatl freak out too!!**

**Chapter 9 **-

My eyes shot over to my alarm clock. It was 2:34am, way too late to still be lying awake. Despite the late hour my body buzzed with energy. I sat with my arms folded around my knees tucked against my chest under the generous material of Edward's sweatshirt. The aroma still hung onto it filling my lungs with every breath I took. How could I possibly sleep after the week I just had? In truth, I was a little afraid to sleep. What if it had all been one wonderful dream? The most wonderful exquisite dream I'd ever had. Things this good never happened to me before, why should they happen to me know?

After that first lunch on Monday, Edward and I had been inseparable. Every second I spent with Edward made me that much more dependant on him. I felt whole and at ease around him. As if by being in his mere presence nothing bad could happen. The minute he drove away I would feel tense and incomplete. He found me outside of every classroom and drove me to and from school.

I could tell Charlie wasn't thrilled about my sudden new means of transport but he never said anything. He couldn't complain after I introduced him to Edward. He had, of course, been the perfect gentlemen. Charlie even invited him over for dinner one evening. Edward declined graciously, he ate dinner with his family every night. I was sad to be away from him, but I was relieved at the same time. It would have been tricky to explain my measly grapefruit and yogurt. He had already started making the faces my mother used to make during dinner whenever I pulled out my apple for lunch. The '_you should really eat more then that'_, face. He was always so protective over me. I could see him blowing it way out of proportion.

A grin burst from my lips and a ball of energy roared in my chest after remembering the conversation we had in his silver Volvo this afternoon on our way home from school.

It wasn't raining but the heavy fog managed to dampen our clothing as we made our way to the car. We sat in a comfortable silence most of the way home. I was playing with the knobs of his impressive radio trying to find a song we would both enjoy.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?…"

"Do you have plans tomorrow evening?" He asked, his eyes boring into mine inquisitively. It took me a couple of seconds to recover from the shock of their beauty. He kept his face turned to me waiting for an answer. By the time I was capable of speech an entire minute had passed.

"Edward, look at the road!" I shouted jerking my arm out towards the windshield where eyes should be. He hadn't glanced at the pavement once since he turned away from it. _Did he have a death wish?! _

His eyes remained stubborn, fixed on my own. "But you are a much more magnificent sight." his soft crooked grin stopped my heart for the millionth time that day. It took everything I had to rip my eyes away from his gorgeous face, but found the power in my will to continue living. There were no cars on the road, but I had failed to notice how fast he was driving. The trees were zooming by us so fast my eyes couldn't recognize their shapes. They were blobs of green and brown swirling around the parameter of the car. I cowered back into the plush leather seats grasping their sides with white knuckles. A high pitch squeal escaping me.

"Holy …!, Edward, Slow down!". I could feel my eyes practically popping out of their sockets. He chuckled, and the music calmed me slightly. Only slightly. I reached out to grab the wheel for myself. _Why couldn't he just look at the road?!_

His smile remained fixed, but his brows furrowed as he swatted my hand away. "I've never gotten a single ticket, Bella. I am more then capable of delivering you safely to your house." My heart continued to race despite his reassurances. How could someone promise safety when they refused to look at the damn road?!

He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes at my silence, finally easing up on the gas. The car slowed to a legal speed evenly and when I turned my head to thank him he looked like he had just gotten his favorite toy taken away. I felt a little guilty, but not guilty enough to die so I kept quiet and returned to the knobs on the radio attempting to calm my heart. After a minute he glared down at me with impatient eyes and flashed me a tawdry grin. I giggled at the sight. I couldn't remember anything looking less convincing then Edward pretending to be happy. At the sound of my amusement a genuine smile appeared and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders pulling me closer to his hard chest.

"Are you free tomorrow?" he asked again. I chuckled inside my head, if I did have plans they were canceled as of right then.

"Yes", I looked up at him and his eyes were thankfully set on the road where they belonged.

"Would you care to go out with me?" My heart raced and I could feel it all the way up in my throat. We had been together all week, but had done nothing more then hang out in Charlie's kitchen doing homework. This would be an official date, my first. I couldn't dream of anything else I'd rather be doing then spending official couple time together with Edward.

"I'd love to." I didn't mean to smile but it spread over my face anyway. Edward pulled into the driveway and the car came to a stop. Before I could get my seatbelt off he was opening my door and helping me out.

His hand grabbed mine causing it to burn in contentment. He lifted his free hand to my face and placed it on my now burning cheek. His thumb stroked the blazing flesh and all I could do was lean into his touch. Edward's perfect face began close the space between us until his lips were so close I could feel his cool breath on my ear.

"I was hoping you'd say that.", he breathed. My whole body began to shiver involuntarily at his words. I stood helpless as his hand slid from my cheek to the back of my head. He pulled me in even closer to his seamless body as breath washed over me and my mind was wiped free of thought. The only thing that filled me was desperate desire. I needed more. My before lifeless hands jerked to life and boldly snaked around his waist locking us in the intimate position. My head turned so I could take in his rich scent more fully. My eyes rolled back in ecstasy and closed as a jagged intake of air shook my chest. I could feel Edward tense, then push me away.

_Damn it! _

My eyes were still closed when he kissed me on the cheek lightly. They popped open and found Edward already halfway back to his car.

"Good night, Bella." His face was painted with a combination of emotions that I could only speculate at in my shaken condition. His eyes however were plainly savage, molten pools of midnight.

My body shook freely in my bed at the sheer memory of Edward's touch. My heart sang. In a couple of hours I would be back in those holy arms. I laughed giddily into my pillow. I don't know what I had done to deserve this unmatchable gift, but knew there could be no return policy. Edward Cullen was mine and I wasn't giving him up.

Two hours later my mind had finally begun to drift off. I could feel myself nearing closer to unconsciousness. Fleeting thoughts were whooshing lightly before my closed eyes. They disappeared as quickly as they came. Out of the nothingness a single image struck me like an unforgiving bolt of lightning. Edward and I sitting at a table, his eyes boring down into me as I sat uneasily with my arms folded. A plate of cold food in front of me untouched.

Chapter 9, Such Great Heights, The Postal Service:

(This song is how Bella feels for Edward... like exactly how she feels)

_I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles  
In our eyes are mirror images and when  
We kiss they're perfectly aligned  
And I have to speculate that God himself  
Did make us into corresponding shapes like  
Puzzle pieces from the clay  
True, it may seem like a stretch, but  
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled  
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death  
They will see us waving from such great  
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say  
_

**AN - Sorry, I know this was a short chapter, but I have to do what I have to do!! **

**Did you like it?! Not much happened but there can't be shiznit going down every chapter. I mean I would like that but it's not really realistic…., then again I think it's cool to write about hopeless romantic vegetarian vampires. (shrugs) oh well, I do what I want. LOL. **

**So yeah, go check out my profile…** /u/1658258/ChanelBel7887

**And before you say anything, I know, the image of Edward's Armani skinny jeans are actually Dior. I have no idea where I found those jeans the first time I saw them, but the Dior one's look exactly the same so w/e! tell me you wouldn't let Edward bite you in those baby's!! **

**As always RESPOND, RESPOND, RESPOND!! **

**oh... don't judge me on my avater/image. I already had that made for another purpose but thought it was fitting so w/e... LOL. If I was really that close to RPattz i would be passed out at his feet! **


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Hey everyone!! So did you like the links I added to my profile?!**

**I added the Starved play list link to my profile!! You can listen to all the songs from the chapters. **

**I had to replace one or two songs because they weren't available. I added a couple of songs as well, ones that fill in the plot a little better. **

**I couldn't help adding "Beautiful Girls" for Mike! I have a soft spot in my heart for him. He means well… That song was also fitting because of all the guys think Bella is hot. I added "Party People" for Bella's drunken feelings… she just wants to party! LOL! "Sunshine in a Bag" for Jet, and the whole pass the bliz-unt scene.**

**So enjoy the music, and let me know what you think. If you think there's a song I should add let me know… I'll check it out. (You can find my profile by clicking chanelbel7887 on the top of this page) **

**Chapter 10** -

The subtle glow of morning light beginning to flood through my window was unnoticed. I lay in the exact position I had been in three hours ago. My eyes ached for rest but my mind was too busy trying to figure a plan out to care. The most important thing was to keep Edward as far from suspicion as possible.

I took in a deep breath in attempting to calm myself. There were so many excuses, so many little behaviors I could perform to keep his curiosity at bay. I used these small tricks that I had picked up daily. It would be easy.

The unsettling in my stomach wasn't fooled by my self reassurances. This was Edward, he was too observant, too precise to be tricked so easily. Cutting the food up and moving it around my plate would not sway him. I could always say that I didn't feel well. The thought was rejected about a second later. Edward, being the perfect gentleman he is, would surely insist on bringing me back home. Maybe I was worrying for nothing. Maybe we wouldn't even be going to dinner.

About an hour later I heard Charlie's cruiser pull out heading towards the beach in La'Push to fish with Jacob's father. The sun was beaming into the window now. It was the first time the sun had been unblocked by clouds since I arrived in Forks two months ago. The warmth washing over my pale skin was strong and pleasing. It seeped right through my skin and relaxed my tense muscles. The sun's healing powers even sunk into my head easing the worry until I fell into a much needed sleep.

I was running feverously to get away. I knew I had to escape, my life depended on it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get my feet on the ground. I was floating aimlessly in a sea of colors. Wind passed right through my sensitive ears and my head was being split agonizingly in two. I tried to lift my arms to my head but they were suddenly tied behind my back, my feet bound together at the ankles.

The mess of swirling colors grew darker until they completely changed to green then black. Sharp lines were stabbing through the darkness forming intricate weaves above my head. When the confusing motion slowed I was able to recognize the forest's dead tree tops. My mouth opened to scream but was stopped at once. I couldn't breath, I was suffocating.

My hand flew to smack away whatever was blocking my airflow before I was completely conscious. It made contact with something hard and my eyes popped open to see what it was. Jacob was sitting next to me with a huge grin on his face reaching all the way up to his warm brown eyes. If it had been anybody else's smile I would have been outraged for being woken up in such a manner, but being Jacob I let a giggle escape my lips.

"You are the hardest person I've ever tried to wake up!"

"So you resort to suffocation?!" I asked in play anger.

"Nothing else worked." he shrugged. "Your dad's over at my house. He said you were home and I thought you might want to go for a run."

I looked over at my clock, it was 11:45. I wasn't sure of when Edward would be picking me up, but there was definitely time to run. There would always be time to run.

"Yeah, I'll go get ready." I pushed the covers down off of my bare legs and stood up to stretch out the kinks that had formed from the night's tension. It didn't bother me that Jacob was now laying on my bed staring at me in nothing but a sweater. We had known each other since we were toddlers. We had spent hours every day playing together before my parents divorced and I moved away to L.A.

"Nice pajamas." His grin grew larger. "I guess things are good with you and Cullen then.".

I was embarrassed by the automatic smile that took president over my face at the mention of Edward, I turned toward the door to hide it.

"Yeah, things are good." I couldn't even count the number of times I talked to Jacob about all his relationships. It was easy to do that, cracking jokes about his lame pickup lines and picking out the faults of the girls in question. This was the first time I've ever been the subject of discussion and I didn't like it. My relationship with Edward was still too much a mystery to me. I knew I was no where near worthy of him. Thinking about breaking our relationship down and analyzing the pieces made me uncomfortable. I decided to end the conversation by walking to the bathroom.

After I had brushed my teeth, washed my face, and racked my hair into a tight ponytail I returned to find Jacob fast asleep where I had left him on my bed. "Are you serious?!", I laughed to myself. This boy could sleep anywhere. He jerked his head up at the noise. "Do you think you'll be able to keep up with me, Jacob? Or do you want to take a nap?" I taunted sarcastically.

He sat up, "I'm always ready to whoop your but." His eyes were puffy from the sleep but his huge smile returned and I grinned too. I knew he could. He had always beat me at running, no matter how tired he was. The only thing I was better at then him was endurance. I could run twice as long as him. I had only to keep track of my steady pace and could run for hours.

I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a baggy old sweater before we walked out of the house and made our way over to the trail that wound through the dense woods. "Try to keep up!", Jacob shouted already five steps ahead of me as we began our run.

There were two kinds of runners in this world. People who liked to talk as they ran, and people who didn't. Jacob loved to talk. He said it distracted him from the exhaustion. I always believed it was because he just loved to hear his own voice. I, on the other hand never talked. For me running was an other worldly sensation. Like the highest degree of peace your mind could reach. As soon as my pace evened my mouth was bound. I thought about everything going on in my life. Everything got clearer when I ran. I became blind to the dirt path under me, the burning in my calves and thighs, the rhythm of my heavy breathe.

Today my thoughts where with Edward. When weren't they anymore? I remembered the first time I saw him months ago. For the first time in weeks I remembered his eyes that first day. They had been so full of anger. I remembered the confusion that had consumed me. I was no closer to understanding what I had done to warrant such glares.

I ran right into Jacob's still form with a whoosh of air that had been knocked out of my lungs. He grabbed me before I fell backwards. "Let's race home!". His eyes were full of excitement.

"Ugh… Jacob, can't we ever just run? You know you're going to beat me." He smiled unperturbed by my annoyance.

"Bella, you've gotten allot better. You were only a couple of paces behind me and you weren't even trying." It was true, I hadn't been pushing myself very far. Only hard enough to make me sweat and keep my heart rate up. Maybe I did have a chance. Suddenly all those years of staring at Jacob's back as he easily pushed pass me flashed before my eyes.

"Fine." he smiled and turned me around to face the direction we had come from.

He lined up beside me and called in a lame voice, "Runners take your mark!" I laughed at this stupid tradition we had. We both shook our muscles out readying ourselves for the sprint. "Get ready!" We bent our knees loosely, one foot in front of the other and leaned forward in unison. "GO!"

My body took over automatically. My feet knew what to do, my lungs easily sucked large amounts of air quickly through my nose, and pushed it slowly out my mouth allowing my heart to take full advantage of the oxygen. I didn't allow myself to think about my tired legs or the sweat dripping down my back. I only thought of passing Jacob. I could do it. I _would_ do it. This year taught me I could do anything I set my mind on within the walls of my own figure. I was powerful, reigning over my body, controlling it completely. My steps lengthened, reaching Jacob's. Pride overcame me. No one could take me down, I was unstoppable. A hungry grin spread over my face, I wanted more. My body was protesting angrily as I pushed harder yet. My breathing broke, the once steady tempo now jagged gasping for larger quantities of air. My head got heavy and my heart fluttered. I ignored it all, giving speed every thing my will could offer. Three seconds, just half a step before we reached the end of the trail I screamed loudly forcing myself to accelerate to an impossible speed. I refused to lose. My voice sounded crazed, I didn't recognize it, and then it was over.

I fell to the ground unceremoniously trying to catch my breath. Jacob collapsed next to me, sweat trickling down his face. My head spun out of control becoming too heavy to hold up. The world around me blurred and Jacobs breathing sounded like it tunneled into my ears. I could feel my body sway helplessly then slump into Jacob.

He took this as nothing more then exhaustion and patted my head as his chest heaved up and down. "Damn Bella, you kind of freaked at the end there. I could have won if the look on your face hadn't creeped me out so bad.". I focused on his sneakers and the world, along with my heart beat slowly steadied out.

"Whatever, Jake. You're just upset I won." I smiled up at him. His soothing grin told me I was right.

We got up and walked back to the house. Before I opened the door I looked up at the sky. The sun was shinning as brightly as if I had never left L.A.. I turned my head and looked at Jacob who was staring at the rare view. A wonderful energy of contentment flickered in my chest. I was happy. Really happy. It was an amazing feeling that I had never known to miss before now. My life was finally on track. I had friends at school, an amazing best friend that would do anything for me, and I had Edward. I couldn't even truly grasp how happy Edward made me.

Jacob looked down, aware that I had been staring at him. He smiled, "What?"

I sighed heavily with a light heart and a smile that revealed the joy in my sole. "Nothing. I'm just happy." His smile widened and he kissed me on my forehead ignoring the perspiration.

"Good.", he breathed. Jacob's kindness was so pure that it always left me feeling deficient.

"I love you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know. I love you too." We were both being entirely serious, but the intensity of the moment caused us to brake out laughing.

I opened the door and waited for him to walk inside. After a couple seconds I turned around to see him still in the doorway. He had his arm outstretched in front of him supporting his weight on the threshold. "I'm gunna' head out. Let you get ready for your hot date." His lips were tight, straining to fight the smirk I knew he was dying to sport. My eyebrows furrowed and the corners of my lips turned down.

"How did you know I had a date?" I didn't tell him, and I was certain Edward hadn't.

"Are you kidding?… You have the notoriously single Edward Cullen going out with you and you think no ones going to hear about it?" He laughed softly and reached out to me, pulling me in to a hug. He let go and started down the walkway to his old Rabbit. He turned half way and called out, "Oh, and take a shower, you stink!"

I frowned but knew he was probably right. We'd been running for an hour and a half. I locked the door behind me and walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Before I got to the cabinet the phone rang to life in the hallway.

"Hello?"

"Bella." My heart skipped a beat.

"Edward! How are you?"

"I'm well. Bella-…"

"-Oh, Edward, what time are you picking me up tonight? I wasn't sure."

"That's actually the reason I was calling…" He paused. My heart sped up, had he finally come to his senses? Was he canceling me?"

"Something came up." Tears threatened the edges of my eyelids.

"Oh. That's ok." my voice came out monotone, emotionless. It was better then the way I really felt.

"What's ok?"

"I understand. I'm not upset that you have to cancel." I was getting very good at lying.

"Bella, I'm not canceling. I'm just going be later then I expected. How's eight fifteen?" My heart swelled in relief. He could pick me up at midnight for all I cared!

**AN- Ok, that was a crazy long chapter I know… I wrote it! Lol…**

**So this is a VERY important Chapter for Bella's eating disorder. It's a breaking point with her anorexia. She feels the complete power that you get when you realize you can do anything, like live without food. Once you feel that crazy control you long for it endlessly. **

**The worse part is her disorder is getting worse, and it's making her the happiest she has ever been. **

**Sorry no Edward, but this chapter was very necessary.**

**Check out my profile to listen to this Chapter's song : Vultures, by John Meyer. **

**RESPOND RESPOND RESPOND RESPOND!! **

**oh, and i'm leaving for vaycation tonight so my next update will be in like 2 days.**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN - Thank you all for wishing me a happy vacation! So the second I got here a hurricane-ish thunderstorm totally wiped out any hopes I had to going to the beach… (sad face). I was going to start on this chapter but fell asleep… oh well! Lol! Sorry I couldn't get this to you sooner! The internet sucks here! Believe me I tried... the good news you ask? Due to the weather I've been stuck inside and I have up to CHPT 14 complete! Yay!!**

**This chapter is a doosey! Strap in! **

**THANK YOU MONKEYMOJO!! My supa' fly betareader!! Much Luv!**

**Chapter 11 : **

There was loads of time before Edward would be picking me up for our date so I decided to straighten up around the house. The practiced motions of washing dishes and vacuuming always helped calm my nerves, which by now were out of control. After two hours of work the house looked pretty good. I couldn't think of anything more that needed to be done so I climbed up the stairway leading to my room. It wouldn't hurt to spend a little extra time on my hair.

The sweat that had accumulated from my run had dampened my sweater, chilling me to the bone while I cleaned. I was looking forward to a nice long hot shower. I turned the nozzle all the way around to let the water warm before I got in. I peeled off my wet clothes and threw them into the hamper. As I turned to get into the shower my eye caught on my own reflection.

I studied my ever changing body meticulously. My face crumpled and I sighed in disgust. It seemed no matter how much weight I lost there would always be pockets of fat here and there. I pinched the small offending areas trying to see how my body would look without them. A shrill shot of dread washed over making me grow nervous thinking about how bad these fat patches would make me look tonight. I wanted to be perfect for Edward. Just as perfect as he was for me.

I turned around to look at my back. My lips curled up into a satisfied smirk, elation taking over me. I was easily able to see each of my ribs individually. It was beautiful. I lifted my arms above my head and slithered my body around watching the skin clinging desperately to my bones slide up and down with the motion. A tear fell down my cheek. It was the greatest I had ever felt about myself. I really did it! I had created this glory. I felt powerful, I felt proud.

After I was clean and my hair had been blown out I wrapped a towel around my body and walked down the hall way to my room. I hadn't a clue where Edward was taking me tonight, but because of my disinterest in fashion I didn't need to worry about what to wear, I only had one dress. It was simple and black. 'Perfect for every occasion, a classic' the sales woman had said when I bought it almost a year ago. I couldn't deny she had been right. This dress had seen me through three wakes, two funerals, four Christmas parties, and one engagement party, but never a date. I retrieved the garment from the back of closet and hung it on my door. I crawled on my hands and knees to find my black heels and clutch from the house party in the pile of junk that lay at the bottom of the closet. It took ten minutes before I stood up with the accessories in hand.

I wanted my hair to look natural so decided against ironing out my curls. I tried instead to emphasize them with an oversized curling iron, perfecting the couple of unruly locks sticking out this way and that. After I was satisfied I attacked my head with hairspray and placed a small hair clip on the side to add a little color to my otherwise monotone ensemble.

In the way of makeup I simply rimmed my eyelids with a smoky grey liner and mascara, then painted my lips with bright Crayola red lipstick. The color made them pop, and I was happy with the over all effect.

I slipped the dress on careful to avoid makeup smudges, and sprittzed on some perfume. I considered my appearance in the mirror. "I guess it's good enough…" I sighed to myself. There was nothing I could do to be good enough for Edward.

A knock at the door broke my thoughts. I glanced at my alarm clock from across the room. It was eight fifteen on the nose. I smiled to myself, does he have to be perfect at everything? I took my time ascending the could-be-death trap stairs in my two inch pumps, but ran the rest of the way unable to control myself.

I swung the door open hastily ready to take in my fix of his divineness. Any attempt at greeting him was wiped from my mind instantaneously. He stood in my doorway and I was closer to heaven than I could have ever dreamed to hope for. My stomach dropped as my heart raced. All I knew was longing. I wanted this man, and the more I got of him only increased my desperation.

He looked down at me causing my head to spin dangerously. His chest was all too recognizable under his thin embroidered black button down, tucked into faded jeans. I could feel my cheeks burn in embarrassment as I gawked at his body. I knew it was rude but couldn't avert my eyes.

"Bella." His velvety smooth voice distracted me from his physique. His eyes, burning onyx, gazed into my own. My breath hitched in my lungs at his intensity. "You look exquisite." His words made me shiver with desire. He noticed but thankfully took it as a reaction to the November's arctic winds. "You should grab a jacket. I wouldn't want you freezing before we went out on a single date." His smile caused his magnificent eyes to sparkle and his words escaped me. All I could do was stand there and look at him like he was the eighth wonder of the world. He chuckled and allowed himself inside closing the door behind him.

"Your coat, Bella." Edward repeated.

"Right!" I shook my head trying to clear it of Edward's majesty and turned to the hallway closet. I grabbed my jacket and went to put it on but Edward snatched it out of my hands from behind me in his super human swiftness. I smiled about to laugh at his childish action, but as I looked up into his face I saw that same fierceness in his eyes as before. The urge to laugh vanished as he lifted my jacket to my back and held it there waiting. After a second I realized what he wanted. I slid my arms into it one at a time. He wrapped the material tightly around my body from behind, closing the buttons at the waist. His hands lingered on my hips when he had finished. I could feel Edward's sugary breath on my neck and the jacket did nothing to prevent my shiver. His nose grazed my neck moving up towards my ear. He stopped and breathed out heavily, the air tickled my ear and I laughed lightly in response.

"And what's so funny?" Edward whispered unmoving from his close proximity.

"Nothing… It's just that…" I couldn't remember what I was about to say. Edward's breath knocked the coherency out of me.

"Tell me, Bella."

The way he said my name caused my head to swirl. "It's just that… If I knew it felt that good to have someone help me into a coat… well I would have asked allot more people for help." I sucked in a sharp gasp of air. I could not ignore his arms snaking around me slowly. This felt so good, so natural.

"I'd like to think it has to do with the company." He nuzzled his mouth into my neck and breathed in deeply. He had no idea.

Edward helped me out of an extravagant black car outside a small club and began conversing with the valet. People spotted the front entrance of the building smoking and talking. One couple stood half submerged in the dark of a neighboring alleyway hugging and kissing. I tried not to be jealous of the woman, Edward had yet to kiss me. I was lost in thought when Edward had finished dealing with the valet.

He placed his hand at the small of my back, the contact made my heart accelerate. I was led inside two large doors, as soon as we got inside music flowed over me. It was loud, but not annoyingly so. You could have a comfortable conversation without straining to hear what was being said. Edward walked over to a table in the middle of the dark room and held a chair out for me. I removed my jacket and sat down. I quickly took in the quaint room, there were tables sitting groups of people talking and drinking. Some were silent, heads turned towards a stage in one corner. There was a live band that was the source of the pleasing music. They expertly played a combination of jazz and swing, neither genres had ever particularly intrigued me, but here with Edward it was perfect.

A waiter appeared next to us. He looked down at his pad without glancing in our direction. "Can I get you folks something to drink?" His voice sounded painfully uninterested.

"I'll have a Coke, thank you."

"Just a water, please, no lemon." At the sound of my voice the waiter looked up and his eyes widened softly. His staring made me uncomfortable and my cheeks grew hot. I bit my lower lip and threw a distressed look over at Edward. His eyes were already fixed on the waiter, his eyebrows were pulled together and nostrils flaring. His strong jaw was locked tight as he cleared his thought loudly. The waiter snapped out of it and left to retrieve our order.

It took Edward almost ten minutes to calm down. During which I absorbed every aspect of the club. It was mostly occupied by older people. I guessed at mainly twenty five and up. We were very obviously the youngest couple here, too young to even order a cocktail. How had Edward gotten us in?

A new song started and Edward's voice broke into my concentration. "Would you care to dance?" he held his hand out across the teeny round table that separated us. I smiled and my cheeks grew warmer still. I placed my hand in his and relief filled me instantly feeling whole. We moved to the front of the room where other couples were dancing to the moody jazz rhythm. He slid his free hand around my waist and pulled me in close. I draped my arm over his large shoulder and rested my head against his hard chest. Tingly pleasure fireworks exploded inside me. My mind was racing, my heart accelerating. His heady scent took hold of all thought. We moved slowly in time to the music, mostly Edward's doing. I couldn't even hear the music anymore. All I could think about was Edward's body being so close to my own. This was completely different then the first time we danced together. Instead of lust and passion I knew my feelings were constructed of something entirely different now. Something stronger and more urgent.

We danced for a long time and I grew more desperate every second I felt is body next to mine. Edward eventually pulled away, I almost cried. "Are you thirsty?" He examined me and my heart just about stopped when I saw his eyes.

"Edward, your eyes…. They've changed colors!" I was awed. The last I knew eye color was a permanent detail. His otherwise relaxed face pulled together at his perfect eyebrows.

"It's probably the lighting, Bella." I looked around. There really wasn't any lighting. The whole club was dark except for the candles on the tables and a single light on stage so the band could see.

"Maybe" I said skeptically. I could hardly see how candlelight turned black eyes honey. We made our way back to the table where our drinks waited for us. I smiled realizing the waiter had missed us. It was as if Edward had read my mind.

"I can't blame him." He cooed. "You look stunning tonight, Bella." I blushed furiously at his words wishing we were still dancing so I had an excuse to wrap my arms around him. I looked down and took a sip of my water. I was more thirsty then I was aware of, I quickly finished my glass and set it down.

"Bella, would you excuse me for a moment." I looked up a little surprised. In all the time Edward and I had been together he had never once excused himself to use the bathroom. I had never noticed this before but found it extremely odd.

"Yes, of course."

"Don't move." He flashed that heart stopping crooked smile and left. A woman walked up to the table a minute later.

"Can I get you guys anything from the kitchen?", she smiled and I instantly liked her more then the original help.

"No thank you. Maybe just more drinks…" I paused looking down at Edward's full glass, "well, just another water." She wrote down the order and turned away to the next table. I jumped and my heart just about exploded as Edward's voice filled the entirety of the small room startling me. The empty glass in my hand had fallen and was rolling across the table. I snapped my head around trying to see where it came from. It took me but a minute to find him.

His glorious form sat perched behind the grand black piano on stage. A microphone was placed on the top of it allowing Edward to be heard throughout the club. His eyes were set on mine as he talked.

"I'd like to play a song that reminds me of a very special person in my life." My head was going to explode. What was he doing?! Everyone was looking up at him. The women all had hungry looks in there eyes, but his remained fixed on mine. He started playing the piano and the loveliest music overpowered my shock and embarrassment. I never even knew he could play the piano yet here he was performing like a famous musician. The tempo was slow but the melody was jovial. The notes crept into my skin and I tears welled up on the edge of my eyelids. The song was beautiful and perfect, just like Edward.

He leaned over towards the microphone and his smooth voice filled the room again. At first I was confused. His words were dragged out and spoken too fast at the same time, dropping and rising in note. When I realized he was singing my jaw dropped. Could this god do everything? He sung out in such splendor and passion that I lost rule over my body. I rose from my seat and found myself drifting toward the stage closing the gap that lay between us. Our eyes never parted.

"_When you smile at me baby you know exactly what you do._

_Don't pretend that you don't know it's true, because you can see it when I look at you._

_And in this crazy life_

_And through these crazy times it's you, it's you._

_You make me sing_

_You're every line_

_You're every word_

_You're everything._

_Your every minute of my everyday._

_And I can't believe that I'm your man_

_And I get to kiss you baby just because I can._

_Whatever comes our way_

_Oh, we'll see it through_

_And you know that's what our love can do._

_And in this crazy life_

_And through these crazy times it's you, it's you._

_You make me sing_

_You're every line_

_You're every word_

_You're everything…_

_You're every song_

_And I sing along_

_Cause' you're my everything…"_

My mouth hung open as my tears streamed freely down my cheeks. I could think of nothing. I was in shock. A euphoric trancelike shock. Only the piano's notes occupied the walls of my mind.

When they stopped Edward paused, his eyes blazing the warmest of gold, then breathed into the microphone, "Bella, you're my everything." He got up with determination in his eyes and hopped off the stage to land gracefully in front of me. His hands went to either side of my wet red cheeks and wiped the tears away gently with his thumbs. I was paralyzed under his gaze. "Everything..", he whispered so softly I could hardly hear him. He leaned his head down and brushed his lips against mine. I moaned in pleasure and Edward's hands dropped to my waist pulling me in closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he kissed me for the first time. Passion bubbled inside me and my eyes rolled back and closed. His lips were cool and smooth moving in harmony with my own. I was in heaven with my personal god.

**AN - Aghhh! Edward + grand gestures heart attack!!**

**WARNING! This is an official threat! I want every single reader (and I know there are a lot of you b/c of reader traffic) to go to my profile and listen to the playlist…. And I want you to comment on this chapter AND the songs! I don't feel like that's too much to ask seeing as how I spent the first night of my vacation writing this chapter from 12 am- 2am!! Lol, I didn't mean that to sound mad… I love you guys! Hehe… I'm just review hungry!**

**Beth call me at FL, I lost your number!!**

**REVIEW!! I want at LEAST 20!!**

**Oh- I just wanted to warn you all that I couldn't help but add Chariot of fire to the playlist, I know this will probably screw the serious mood of the story up, so if you're really into it skip this song, otherwise, have a good laugh!! ENJOY! **

**The song "Everything" that Edward sings in this Chapter is on the playlist, so go listen to it!**

**Just imagine Spunk singing it slower, and sexier…. Mmmmm…. Spunk Ransom.. (drools)**

**Due to my Bella like complex, I'm probably about to burn to a crisp in the sun! Pray for me and my pale skin!! **


	12. Chapter 12

**THANK YOU MONKEYMOJO!!**

**You Welcome! hehe... You all wanted an update, well... your wish is my comand! Now, I wish for Edward Cullen. So when is that gunna' happen? lol, Yeah I told you i was stuck inside for like 3 days... you guys are gunna be very happy. Updates every day!!... oh and the hurrican, yes an actual hurricane, is over but it's STILL raining! Boo you whore!**

**OK, kids. I want you all to pee before you start reading. This is a long chapter so prepare yourselves. Get some snacks ready… adjust your cushions… and… GO!**

**Chapter 12:**

There was no denying the electrical currents that ran from Edward's touch into my skin, jolting it with unparalleled pleasure. We danced and kissed the rest of the night away. The club manager had to escort us out of the building when it closed. We had neglected to notice the band had stopped playing and the room was empty. My heart broke when I had to walk away from his arms on my doorstep. I instantly felt empty.

When I closed the door I jumped at a loud noise in the dark. Then relaxed, recognizing the thunder that was Charlie's snores. He was sitting in his favorite recliner fast asleep with his head hanging back, mouth open. I smiled, Charlie had been waiting up for me. This was something Renee' would have never done. It was nice that someone cared for my safety enough to wake up sore and stiff in the morning.

I reached down to shake his shoulder lightly and told him to go to up to his own bed. He got up and walked to the stairs without a word, only half awake. I shuffled into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. All of the dancing and kissing had my thirst raging. I gulped the cooling liquid down quickly, then refilled it sitting at the kitchen table to rest my feet. I sighed knowing I was wide awake again. This would be the second night with little to no sleep.

My mind raced with images of the night, then landed on Edward as he skillfully tapped at the keys of a piano, eyes burning into me. A chill ran up my spine and I shook violently with a smile. How had I obtained such a treasure? I placed my elbow on the table and rested my head in my hand as the hours of physical contact replayed like a movie in my head.

"Bells? Bella. Bella, wake up!" My head landed with a _whack_ on something cold and hard as I was shoved into consciousness.

"OW!… What the-" My whole body was stiff and uncharacteristically tired for just waking up. When my eyes cleared from the sleep I saw I wasn't in my room. The kitchen's pale walls were the first thing that came into focus. The hard object that my head hit was the table I rested at the night before. My half empty glass was still set in front of me waiting.

"Bells, what are you doing?" Charlie had his hand on my shoulder, eyes colored with curiosity. He looked at me as if I were crazy, like I purposefully spent the night sleeping in the kitchen. I peered around him to the window. The dim grey light that seeped into the room indicated nothing in the way of time. It could be just as easily early morning or early afternoon with Forks' weather.

"I guess I fell asleep here last night after I came home. What time is it?" my voice was a croak, thick with sleep. Charlie glanced down at his watch with a small frown.

"Just about nine o'clock. I was going to head down to Billy's. Do you want to come? I bet Jacob's home, he'd love to see you." At the thought of Jacob I smiled. I would have loved to spend my day hanging out and laughing with Jacob, but I felt an even greater pull suppress the whim.

"No thanks, I feel gross. I think I'm going to make some breakfast and take a shower. Maybe catch up on some homework." He smiled and kissed me on my cheek. No dad could deny homework.

"Okay, kid." He turned and walked out of the room. "By Bells, I'll see you tonight." After he closed the door I stood up and stretched. My whole body ached from the extended sitting position. I pulled the fridge open and took two eggs from the carton, then reached up on top of the fridge and grabbed the loaf of bread. I knew Charlie was the least observant person in my life, but it wouldn't hurt to placate him just the same. I cracked the eggs over the sink and watched as the goopy insides ran down the drain. I folded the two slices of bread into a paper towel and shoved the wad into the bottom of the trash can, leaving the eggshells right on top to be seen.

"Mmm… great breakfast!" I smiled at my own cheesiness and giggled.

Right as I turned to the stairs I heard a soft knock on the door. My eyebrows furrowed a little in annoyance. I didn't feel like talking to anybody after such a horrible night's sleep, I hadn't even showered yet. I dragged my feet across the house slowly wishing the intruder would think no one was home and leave. When I opened the door I was thankful they hadn't.

Edward was just as perfect as he was in my dreams. No, more perfect then my dreams could ever wish to create.

His angelic lips turned up and he let out a gentle chuckle. "You look every bit as tempting as you did last night." He leaned in and kissed my mouth sweetly. Blood rushed to my face as I remembered I was still wearing the same dress from the night before. I didn't even want to know what my hair or makeup looked like. He pulled away and lifted his hand to massage my now burning cheeks.

"I was just about to take a shower." I mumbled motioning him inside. "You can watch TV if you want, I won't be too long." With his grin still in place he stylishly fell back into the same chair Charlie had dozed off in the previous night.

I rushed through the motions of showering knowing Edward was waiting for me. Just as I was massaging shampoo into my hair my heart dropped into my stomach. Yells so loud I could hear them through the water were filling the bathroom from downstairs. Edward's urgency pierced me and I panicked. I paused only long enough to throw a towel around my soaking body as I fled down the stairs towards the noise.

"What's wrong?!" I screamed. Edward was standing up, face towards the blank TV screen. His hand was held up to one ear. At the sound of my voice he turned to look at me, brows furrowed in confusion. A split second later his face twisted into a huge smile laughing loudly, looking as if he'd witnessed the funniest thing he'd ever seen. My heart continued to race, I couldn't understand what was happening. A minute ago he was screaming savagely, now he was bent over in laughter?

"What' s wrong Edward?! Why were you screaming?!" My eyes were filling with tears now. His humored face fell as he noticed the full extent of panic I was experiencing. He was at my side before I finished blinking the tears away.

"Shhh…. Don't worry, Bella. I was only on the phone." He held out the small silver device that his large hand had hidden from me before. "I was arguing with my sister, Rosalie. I'm so sorry. I should have never allowed myself to get so loud. You have no reason to be upset, simple sibling rivalry." A small smile curved his lips but his eyes remained pained. "Forgive me…"

He held his hand out as if to stroke my cheek but hesitated. His reluctance made me frown. "Of course, I thought… I don't know what I thought. You scared me." His eyes narrowed at the words. I leaned up on my tip toes and kissed him softly on the cheek. Cold rushed from his body overpowering mine. I shook violently, the moisture on my skin turned painful as goose bumps erupted everywhere. I instinctively took several steps back as Edward did the same.

My teeth began to chatter, "Edward you're freezing!" I wrapped my arms around my quaking chest. His eyes were still intent with worry but he smiled. "And you are standing in your living room soaking wet, half naked, hair full of suds." My hand shot up to my hair and when I pulled it down my fingers were covered in white foam. He was right, I had jumped out of the shower so fast my hair was forgotten.

"Ughh! How many ways can I embarrass myself today?" I moaned hurrying up the stairs to get back into the hot shower. The fierce chill that Edward had produced still had me quivering. I turned my head slightly towards him, "I'll be down in ten min-". In the middle of the word my right foot hit a puddle of water that had formed as I ran dripping down the stairs minutes ago. The slippery collection of fluid caused my foot to slide forward, throwing my body out of balance, and screaming I flew backwards down the steep staircase. My eyes, already on Edward almost bulged out as he ran so unnaturally fast towards me his shape was lost. Leaving only a smear of blue that had been his shirt. Before my heart beat twice he caught me in his hard arms.

Though the threat of breaking my neck was gone I continued to scream in horror. When I ran out of breath I heaved in and out to the point of hyperventilation. What just happened. Edward, my Edward had just defied the laws of physics right in front of me. I couldn't wrap my head around it. For a fleeting second I remembered the image of Clark Kent, Superman, running at the speed of light. But that was TV, and even as a child I never believed in those sort of things. I was a skeptic, always the kid that looked for the string when a magician fooled every other child into believing he could make objects float. My heart raced as my mind continued to come up blank. Edward's whole face tensed. His eyes closed, brows furrowed, and jaw clenched as he placed me down.

He let out a sigh and turned to leave. Where was he going?! He couldn't just leave after something like this! I needed to know. "Wait!". I grasped his arm to stop him. "Edward?". My sentances weren't impressive but they were all I could manage. I still had no idea what I had just wittnessed. How had he run that fast? That wasn't humanly possible. _Humanly_…?

I quickly cast that idea to the side. Of course Edward was human. He was right here in front of me beautiful and perfect. I stood shivering., my eyes wide in shock and wonder. There must be some reasonable explanation that I was overlooking. I was surprised when my shaking hand was on Edward's glorious cheek. I hadn't told it to move, but there it was. I stroked his face, feeling his skin, trying to convince myself that he was real. He leaned into my touch and breathed in deeply, eyes still closed.

"Edward.", I whispered his name this time. He looked as scared as I felt. So breakable, so unlike his usual self. For the first time I felt the need to protect _him_. There was little I could offer, but I gave what I could. Despite my freezing body's objections I wrapped my arms around him hugging as tight as I could. I was frightened to know the truth about what had just happened, but Edward's pain was doubling over onto me, overshadowing the insignificant detail.

I couldn't ignore his icy skin on my own for long, bare and wet. It felt like fire and my shaking became even more agressive.

He pushed us apart quickly, "Bella, your lips are blue!". I stood there looking into his tortured eyes. I didn't care about my lips or the cold, all I cared about was him, what he had done.

"Edward, What just happened?" I asked slowly and quietly, hoping not to upset him. I never wanted to hurt Edward, but I had to know. The image was eating away at me.

He ignored the question, his eyes studying my shivering frame, urgent and concerned. "Bella you are quite litterally freezing!" I saw his lips move but his voice was slow and drawled together, I couldn't make out what he was saying. He pressed his pointer and middle finger to the inside of my wrist and squeezed lightly. It took me several seconds to move my eyes down to his gentle fingers on my skin. Everything around me was moving too fast, and I was only working in slow motion. The contradiction had me confused and disoriented.

After a couple of seconds his eyes widened in horror. I focused all my energy on his voice the next time his lips moved. "Bella put some cloths on!" Like he had said the magic words, I felt my knees quake under the constant stress of shaking and give out. He didn't give me a full second to react. He grabbed me up in his arms again, careful not to touch me with his bare skin. I felt him lurch forward as if he was running but the world vanished, replaced by smears of color and the sound of wind in my ears. My eyes watered as air forecfully assaulted them. Before I had time to scream I was standing in my room. Edward was at my bed ripping off my quilt that I'd had since I was a baby. He threw it over my body and began to rub my arms aggressively.

His eyes flicked up to mine, "Bella, you were about to become hypothermic! Didn't you notice your heart rate dropping?! Didn't you feel anything?!", he yelled at me, then paused. His eyes fell to the ground. "because of me…" My heart almost broke at the sound of his regretful voice.

"Edward, no. You saved me!" My eyes were flowing heavily now. He had to stop this. I couldn't take much more. He was the most perfect creature in existence… whatever he was. It didn't matter, I realized. It didn't mattter who or what Edward was. All I cared about was him, and he was mine. I tried to wrap my arms around him but they were too tightly tucked into my quilt. All I could do was lean up against his chest. I put all my passion for him into that lean, squishing my cheek against his rock solid chest. Another question mark bubbled into my head. He was hard, very hard… but unaturally so? Then our fridged kiss from before danced into view. Were all these oddities related somehow? Stringing together the answer of Edward's secret.

As Edward returned my embrace the querys vanished. In spite of the mystery at hand I felt safe and whole with him here. _It doesn't matter_ I repeated to myself, and I knew it was true. I didn't care if Edward was an alien sent to earth after his planet had been destroyed. I could care less if he was adopted into his perfect family and had been lying about his super powers. There was little relevance to his super speed, strength, or his x-ray vision. It wouldn't even phase me if he could fly.

There was only one thing that was important to me now. If Edward Cullen was superman, well…, then I was his Lois Lane.

**AN - **

**And the cutest line in this story's history goes to… Lois Lane! Lol!**

**Yes, I do realize the line; "He was hard, very hard… but unnaturally so?" Sounds like the dirtiest exotica line ever! What can you do?! Hehe.. (just imagine…. Mmm, The Spunk Man…). Does anyone else out there daydream about Rpattz as much as me?! **

**So I was thinking about writing one chapter of "Starved" from Edward's perspective when this story finishes. What do you guys think? What chapter do you want me to write? Oh, there's still ALLOT more chapters to go… I'm thinking somewhere between 30-40! I know, but there's allot of stuff going down… can't you tell?!**

**Check out the play list; this chapter's songs are - Hella Good****, by No Doubt, and Sugar We're Going Down****, by the Fallout Boys. (2 for the price of one! Hehe,… well actually you can listen to all the songs for free…. So go do it!)**

**Of course, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW ****times infinity!! LOL**


	13. Chapter 13

**Danka Sein' MONKEYMOJO!… Go BetaReaders!**

**AN - I just wanted to say that the whole threatening you guys for reviews totally worked! I felt kinda' mean afterwards… so, sorry! I felt like I was Pdiddy, you know the whole; "Vote or die!" campaign. Maybe from now on I'll just say, "Review or die!" … (sighs)… nope, can't do it. Lol! **

**Chapter 13:**

As Edward returned my embrace the queries vanished. In spite of the mystery at hand I felt safe and whole with him here. _It doesn't matter _I repeated to myself, and I knew it was true. I didn't care if Edward was an alien sent to earth after his planet had been destroyed. I could care less if he was adopted into his perfect family and had been lying about his super powers for years. There was little relevance to his super speed, strength, or his x-ray vision. It wouldn't even phase me if he could fly.

There was only one thing that mattered to me now. If Edward was superman, well…, then I was his Lois Lane.

He leaned his cheek into my hair, then suddenly tensed, a dark chuckle escaping him. I pulled back in surprise, he had been so serious only a second ago. His huge hand was on his face wiping away at his cheek. A tuft of suds lay on the tips of his fingers. His smile was petite, but relief washed over me all the same. His eyes landed on mine burning into me as he lifted the foam to his nose and inhaled deeply. I swore I could see his dark eyes dilate as he took the air in. The show jump started an unexpected lurch in my stomach and had my cheeks blushing red. It was such a simple action, Edward smelling my shampoo suds, but it's reaction was savage.

I was powerless to my sudden desire. My eyes flamed with my lust for him and I shoved the old quilt off my shoulders. I didn't mind freezing to death, at least I would go down happy. His eyes were wild reflections of my own as I leapt up into his ready arms and jammed my lips into his. They were, of course, as hard and cold as I remembered, but they were also smooth, gentle, and caring. My whole inside was crawling to be closer to Edward. My hands snaked into his copper locks, frustration fueling their desperate tugging. I was probably hurting him but my mind was too far from reason.

I needed to breath badly, but couldn't bare to part lips with him. As if by magic Edward's lips danced across my cheek to the hallow behind my ear. I gulped franticly for the air I needed, then gasped for more at the euphoric sensation his lips created on my neck. It was as if his lips were tickling my skin. The best, stomach curling in pleasure, so hot you can't see, kind of tickling. He knew exactly where my flesh was most sensitive, and feather light, his lips teased the very surface.

He was stirring something deep inside of me that I hadn't known to exist, it lay hidden and undetected for so long. Edward had aroused it within seconds of contact. I knew it was because his lips were the only ones that knew exactly where to find it.

He was so good at this. _Too_ good, surely my body wouldn't be able to withstand such pleasures for much longer. The desire inflating me like a balloon was too much, I was about to pop. Some of the pressure escaped with a high whine from the back of my throat. His grip tightened in response causing us both to pant like dogs.

He crashed his lips back into mine, and we moved together in equal desperation. I felt a strong vibration grow from his chest and a loud growl leaked onto my mouth. His forehead met mine as he tilted his face toward the ground forcing our lips apart. We both heaved heavy breaths for several minutes before a word was said.

He lifted his fiery eyes to mine with a wry smirk playing across his face, and asked in a smoldering velvet voice, "Strawberry, hmmm…?" He leaned down to kissed me on my cheek and whispered softly into my ear, "It's lovely".

I blushed even harder, a task I didn't think was possible. My shivering returned at his words. But our eyes never parted, nor did our bodies.

Finally our breathing evened out. He hugged me just a fraction harder all of a sudden. The movement was hasty, like he was struggling with himself to let me go. Then quickly took a step away, his body becoming tense, so much like a statue. "Go finish your shower, Bella." his voice was so different from the intensity it possessed seconds ago. It was emotionless, indifferent. His eyes were set on the floor.

"No, I want to stay with you." my voice was quiet as I tried to wrap my arms around him once more. He blocked them without looking up.

"Bella I refuse to have you get sick on my behalf. Please go warm up." His tone was as fridged as his skin.

"Edward" I whined like a child. "Can't we talk first?". He said nothing, the only motion was his perfect nose's nostrils flaring. I couldn't explain to myself why all of a sudden I felt panicked at the thought of walking away from him. As if it would be the last chance I would have to be close with him. My tears returned as the anxiety grew to an irrepresable size in my chest. I was huffing and puffing like I'd just run a mile.

I waited but there was no answer. He was so still, not even moving to blink. I cracked under the unexplainable pressure. "No!" I shouted, my voice breaking. I attempted to push his arms away from me but they were too strong. I struggled wildly agaist them, slaping, punching, and scraping my way onto him with all the strength I could muster. I felt as if I would perish if I didn't embrace him fast enough. My tears flew this way and that with my crazed efforts. I was grunting like an animal, a shrill whine escaped me here and there, making no progress. His resistance was driving me mad. I needed him to hold me now, while everything I knew was in jeopardy. I needed him to hold me together.

"Oh God, Edward, Please!" I wailed so loudly through my blinding tears that my ears rung. His face fell in defeat and his arms dropped. I franticly threw myself on him clinging tightly to his shirt. I could feel my nails breaking the skin on my palms I held on so tight. I gulped in his devine scent like an addict going threw withdrawal. My body instantly relaxed into his, and my head started to clear as the minutes rolled by.

"Please, Bella." his voice was a begging whisper. "Please finish your shower." I didn't budge. I cared for nothing but the calm he ensured. "Bella, please do this for me. You're seconds away from hyperventilating." I knew he was right, I could feel myself gasping for air, it wasn't because I was cold. "… For me, Bella?"

I sighed. I knew I couldn't stand out here wet and full of shampoo forever, try as I might. I looked up at his cold eyes with another jolt of fear. "I'll be right back." The words came out like a threat. I let go of him reluctantly and ran to the bathroom. Screw cleaning myself or getting warm, as soon as these damn bubbles were out of my hair I would be done. Less then a minute later I jumped out of the shower and rubbed my skin dry. I pulled on the sweats I'd laid out originally and sprinted back to my room. It was empty, he'd gone back down stairs. I quickly grabbed a hair elastic from my desk and pulled the wet strands off my neck into a sloppy bun, then shoved my feet into a pair of running shoes. I was warm, but still very uncomfortable. I needed to feel Edward again.

I zoomed down to the living room anxious to see him, to feel his arms around me. He wasn't there either. "Edward?" I called softly. I jogged around my house with a sick stomach in an effort to find him. I even checked the grungy basement I usually avoided with all cost. Every time I entered a room that was empty my stomach turned angrily.

"EDWARD!" I screamed at the tops of my lungs when I finished searching the whole property. My face was hot and angry, tears gathered in my eyes. Why had he left me? It was a cruel thing to do, to leave without an explanation, without a goodbye. Edward was never cruel, something had to be wrong. I threw the door open scanning the front yard, nothing. My breath hitched in my throat at the vast empty space. Forgetting the open door I ran back inside making a beeline across the first floor to the back of the house. The window panes rattled as I slammed the back door against the wall.

"EDWARD!!" I roared with such force my voice tore in half. My panicked mind rememberd how fast he had ran to save me after I fell down the stairs, how far away he could be by now. My head spun with the thought. My feet carried me into the forest that was the backyard. The day was usual for Forks, cold, grey, and pouring rain. There was no way of knowing where he went but I couldn't give up. All I could hear was my uneaven breath, in, out, in, out. The farther I got the less I could see, the heavy canopy of the dead trees blocked what little sunlight there was.

I didn't know where I was, or how small a chance I had at finding my mysterious god. The minutes dragged by, and I was once again soaking wet and shivering. I tried to call his name out but my lungs were too busy in the quest to steady the jagged breaths errupting from my body. The lack of oxygen had my head growing heavy. I was having trouble keeping my perspective straight so I flopped down into the mud, preventing myself from blacking out and hitting a tree on my way down. The earth was even colder then the air. Tears mixed with rain drops on my cheeks, rolling down onto my whimpering lips.

It was too cold. Not the pleasing chill that rolled over me from Edward's majestic chest, this was a lonely, empty cold. A scary cold. Just as Edward had warned, I found my racing heart slow, one beat at a time. I could feel the strong throbs becoming weaker in my ears, it was a terrifying thing to realize. My head buzzed and my eyes became unfocused. My breath continued to come in sharp jabs.

A feeling I thought was long gone, never to return, was quickly taking control of my entire being once more.

I was helpless here.

There was nothing I could do to fix any of it. I knew there was no hope in finding Edward when he didn't want to be found. The acknowledgement of this made my body crawl in disgust. I was pitiful, sitting here alone, slowly freezing to death. My stomach was turning vehemently, and the feeling of utter defenselessness had my head rushing with hundreds of unwelcome memories.

I was back in LA sitting alone in the school cafeteria as my classmates openly tortured me. Then I was looking in an old mirror watching my fat flop around in horror. Suddenly a scene that I couldn't even recognize appeared, I was in a dark smoky room surrounded by strange men. I shivered at the disturbing image. I couldn't move but I was terrified and wanted to leave. A black haired boy was holding me down when I tried to run, then I _was_ running. Running as fast as I could, but the stranger had a strong hold of my hair.

It was petrifying, like I was having a horrible nightmare while still awake. The memories wouldn't stop, no damn I built would block their blood curdling flood. I saw grass stained blue by the night sky. Perfect grass that had just been cut. The pristine blades stopped curtly at the edge of a wood. Without a thought I was lost in the forest trying to outrun something I couldn't quite remember. My heart stopped altogether as I savagely fought against Edward's steel arms. I put everything I had into the struggle to be with him, but it wasn't good enough. My best wasn't good enough to win, to get what I wanted. What I needed. I had no _control_ over being with Edward, the sole variable that I required to live. My stomach knotted as if it would tare apart from my inside. Screams were crawling up my throat on their own accord. The pain was like nothing else I had ever experienced in my life, paralyzing me. I had to make it stop.

I located my hand blindly, waving it in front of my face flamboyantly to make sure it was really there. My fingers ran over the contours of my face until they found my dry lips. I traced their outline stopping at their part, then jabbed them in my mouth and down my throat with one violent jerk. My nails tore at the sensitive tissue they found but I continued downward until I felt my stomach jerk in protest. It seized and knotted, cramping together until it's contents were forced upward. I bent over and was sick.

Waves of relief eased the horrible thoughts. The acidic liquid burned the freshly severed skin in my throat, but the pain was welcome. I relished in the sensation of power I had to rid myself of such poisons. It was like all those horrible memories were being cast away with the sick. When I was done I felt lighter, healed almost. I was empty, free of the pain my past brought. I was happy then. Back in control of myself. I slumped over and the exhaustion took me.

"Oh my GOD! Bella?!", as soon as I heard the voice two strong arms scooped me from the freezing forest floor. It had stopped raining but large drops of water fell on my face all the same. I still couldn't see clearly, I had no idea who was running with me away from the spot where I had lain. I should have been suspicious, it could have been a criminal. I might have been carried away to my death, but I couldn't force myself to get scared. The arms were too comfortable. They smelt too familiar and soothing to be dangerous. I turned my face into their protection.

**AN - Intense, I know. **

**OME! That whole raunchy suds sceane was SO not supposed to happen! My notes said; **_**Edward hugs Bella and gets foam on his face, comments on smell. Then he pushes her away. **_**Literally it just popped into my head! I was writing him smelling her shampoo, and I was like… WoW, That would be SO HOTT! And I was like, if I was Bella right then I would so jump his bones… and guess what?! I've got the power… so she did!! LOL!**

**You can't tell me that shampoo freak out wasn't hott!**

_**Question: If vampires are disgusted by the smell of human food, which strawberries are. How can Mr. Cullen LIKE Bella's shampoo?! Things like that drive me crazy!**_

_**Oh, and how many of you went out and bought strawberry shampoo after you found out Edward likes it?…. …guilty! LOL!!**_

**The song for chapter 13 is Hysteria, by Muse. Ironic, but Muse was one of my favorite bands before I started reading Twilight...?! Anyway.. it's all about Bella wanting Edward. I command you to go to the playlist and listen!! hehe! **

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!! I want another 20 or I'm gunna' make you guys sweat it out!!**_** maybe….**_


	14. Chapter 14

**DISCLAIMER - (All I'm saying is that there's a disclaimer… I'm not telling you why until the end… I don't want to ruin the chapter for you.). You are all warned! (It's nothing serious, and has nothing to do with the rating, it's still T, so don't freak out over that!) **

**Chapter 14:**

"Oh my GOD! Bella?!", as soon as I heard the voice two strong arms scooped me from the freezing forest floor. It stopped raining but large drops of water fell on my face all the same. I still couldn't see clearly, I had no idea who was running with me away from the spot where I had lain. I should have been suspicious, it could have been a criminal. I might have been carried away to my death, but I couldn't force myself to get scared. The arms were too comfortable, they smelt too familiar and soothing to be dangerous. I turned my face into their protection.

My freezing body pushed itself as far as it could go into this warm embrace. I squished my numb nose and ears against the soothing flesh, sighing in relief. "Jacob.", It was all I could mutter. My brain was too clouded to form a sentence of thanks. His large chest was heaving in and out jerkily, at my words he curled his arms around me tighter, protectively.

"Don't worry, Bella. I've got you." his voice was full of fear. The words were meant to be reassuring but I knew better. It was an empty promise. Of course I had to worry. My life had been ripped from me and I hadn't a clue where to find it.

I lay unsleeping for hours upon hours in my bed. My body was so weak. It begged for rest, but my mind was unyielding. Unsympathetic to such trivial complaints. I couldn't allow myself the luxury of worrying about comfort. I would never be comfortable again. I could only ever be truly relaxed in one place.

The quilt Jacob found in the middle of my floor was tightly wrapped around our bodies. At first he tucked me in by myself, sitting in the rocking chair across my room. The blanket did nothing in the way of heat. I raised my shivering arms up towards him, the question in my eyes like a child asking their mother to hold them. His face fell as he looked at my pathetic form shaking the ancient bed. Without hesitation he climbed in and pulled me in close, generously sharing his warmth.

Jacob stayed with me the entire time, never leaving my side once. I felt guilty for his crazed worry over me, and ashamed that I wouldn't ask him to leave. I needed him.

I couldn't escape the torturing thoughts of Edward. His perfect face, his godly smell. The ribbons of euphoria his kisses wrapped around my sole. These memories had made me smile at one time. Now they caused a hellish pain that tore wildly at my chest attempting to break me.

I realized at some point a demon was clawing his way through my ribs, trying to snatch my broken heart out. His poisonous hands clutched at the withering organ, unable to tear it out completely, but the digging fingers never ceased. The pain was constant. Every time I saw Edward's crooked smile, his blazing eyes, his large hands comb through that unruly copper mess, the claws would get stronger, yanking with all their might.

I thought the constant agony would kill me at times. I screamed as hot tears dropped down my face, clutching my violated chest with all my might. My body curled instinctively into a tight ball.

That's when Jacob would rescue me.

His body would flinch to life at my wails and hurriedly untangle my limbs, wrapping me in an all consuming hug. His massive form pressed tight against my torso sealing the gapping hole in my chest, blocking the demon's greedy hands, protecting me. Jacob kept my sole secured in my chest time, and time again.

My screams would melt away, and I slowly relaxed into his tight embrace. After a while he would let go, kissing my forehead softly, knowing it wouldn't be long before I would need him again. Rolling over I tried to avoid the inevitable. It reminded me of when I was younger. During the summers Jacob and I would test who could hold their breath under water the longest. After counting to three we would dive under, eyes burning from the chlorine, we would tick the seconds off on our fingers until one of us needed air. No matter how much I tried to distract myself, being completely submerged, staring at Jacob's cocky smirk, his long fingers flashing in front of my face only made me more aware of the pressure in my lungs. I tried to ignore it, but forcing myself to hold my breath only made me need air faster. Now, as I threw myself away from his memories, I found Edward closer to the surface then ever before.

I gave in eventually. Wishing the devil to rid me from the broken pieces of my spirit. He could have them, leave me be. Let me sink into smothering darkness. Allow me to be numb, I welcomed it.

Days past, I knew Jacob was missing school. _I_ was missing school. He refused to leave until I got out of bed and I didn't argue. Charlie would come up several times a day to check on me. His face was concerned, and he always looked nervous. I could tell my condition was hurting him, and that only added to my depression.

He would bring up food that he'd ordered, allowing him to feel helpfull. I was too distracted to feign interest or lie about why I wasn't eating. I would just turn my face into Jacob's chest and cry silently, only being given away by the sudden dampness on his shirt. Charlie sighed and handed both my, and Jacob's servings over to Jacob, who ate the food without complaint.

He surprised me one day after Charlie had returned to the first floor. Four slices of pizza steamed on a paper plate in his lap. He sat quietly staring at them for a long time. His face was twisted in rage and annoyance, nostrils flaring.

"Bella, you have to eat!" His eyes never left the pizza. I just looked at him blankly. His outrage might have upset me if I was capable of emotion, but as it was I felt nothing. I could barely make out his words. He grabbed my limp hand and shoved a greasy slice into it. My fingers were too weak to get a grasp so he held it there for me, like I was two years old and he was teaching me to eat on my own for the first time.

I looked down blandly at his hand shaking in fury, watching the movements, unaware of what he was attempting to do. He moved the food up to my face and waited. The cheesy mess lingered there for five seconds before he gently pushed it into my parted lips.

The delicious taste woke me from my trance. Everything got clearer, the blurry edges vanished. I shook my clouded head and found Jacob's intent eyes. He was staring back at me, then his eyes fell to our hands. I followed them, it took me a second to realize that he had force fed me. The angular tip of the pizza was resting in my mouth, still attached to the rest of the slice. It waited for me to bite down. My stomach lurched at the thought and my face screwed up in horror. _My god! How many calories had been absorbed into my blood stream!?_ I jerked my head backward away from the food. The pizza slid out of my mouth, but the oily taste lingered. It tasted so good, I wanted to give in, to swallow. I knew if I did my resolve would crumble, I would lose control over everything. The microscopic sliver of sanity I was left with would surely vanish. My living nightmare would become even worse, I couldn't imagine there being a worse.

I jumped out of bed for the first time in days and the sudden movement made my head spin. I forced all my focus on the puddle of grease in my mouth, trying with all my efforts not to swallow anything.

"Bella!" Jacob's exclamation was loud, but utterly mixed with emotion. He sounded alarmed, sad, and angry all at once. His eyes were wide as he kicked his feet over the side of the bed. I didn't dare move my mouth in response. I was holding my tongue just so, keeping the taste from sliding down my throat. I turned and ran into the bathroom, heart racing in sheer panic. I could hear Jacob's heavy steps following me so I locked the door and turned the faucet on high.

A second later I had my finger jammed down my throat as the tension built uncomfortably in my chest, and then it was gone.

Bliss.

That same freedom ran through me. Liberty from the bad thoughts. The memories. The hurting. The food. For just a second I wasn't being tortured maliciously, I felt good. I was in control, my power had returned.

A moment later a tear ran down my sunken face. No. My power hadn't returned. I had no power, not over the one thing that mattered. Just as suddenly as the relief came, it was gone. I propped my aching back up against the cool ceramic bathtub and all the images of Edward flooded back into me. Gasping for air and relief, I wrapped my arms around my chest. There was no escape.

Through my spinning head and watering eyes I could barley make out the ravage quaking of the bathroom door. Jacob's worried screaming filled my sore ears. The door was old, it wouldn't put up much of a fight against Jacob's muscular build. Mustering the little strength I had, I got on my hands and knees to flush the toilet. I couldn't risk him finding that evidence.

Predictably, the door slammed open reveling Jacob, his face gleaming with tears of his own. He said nothing as he hesitated, then picked me up. With one hand securing me to his chest he leaned over to turn the running faucet off, then walked us back to bed.

After a solid five days of crying and screaming spent with Jacob in my bed, Charlie had given up. He was ready to send me to a doctor for evaluation.

The only thing that pulled me away from my bed was fear of a trained medic having a good look at me. I didn't need to add another trauma to my list. I was only barley surviving as it was.

I got up, went to school, came home, cooked Charlie's dinner, and went to bed. Those menial tasks had become all consuming. I fought with everything I had to get out of bed in the morning. What was the point? There would be no Edward at school, the Cullen family had gone away again.

I nearly cracked under the pressure of holding my tears in during classes, counting down the seconds until the bell rung when I would run to the bathroom and allow them to flow freely. I couldn't put forth an effort of any kind towards my grades. I had been an A student a month ago. As of now I had no idea what kind of marks I was getting.

Every day I forced myself to start the whole meaningless charade over again.

I was eating even less then usual. Only nibbling at apples or sipping up yogurt during dinner so Charlie wouldn't worry. I stopped going to lunch all together. The girl's bathroom was my new safe haven. My friends at school chose to ignore my catastrophic behavior. Only Angela asked what was wrong, I couldn't even allow myself to think his name without falling apart. I told her I was sick. She tightened her lips and sighed, but nodded allowing the topic to drop.

Late at night, when the rest of the world was content and warm, was the time that held the most unbelievable pain. There were no distractions. I was trapped alone with my mind, the torture never ceased. I tried not to remember, but the attempt was futile. How could I not think of the best thing that had ever happened to me? The missing link. My life was pitiful, empty, beige in comparison to the flash of bright red Edward colored over my heart. The tears would come as I lie wide awake, night after night. Unwilling to remember, unable to forget.

In the medical profession there are some facts that are inevitable. Common knowledge that you are expected to learn your first week of medical school, then carry with you the rest of your career. Still yet, there are pieces of information that even children in this world are required to master. Simple rules of the human body and it's workings. For example, when you get hurt, it will eventually heal. The blood will clot, a scab will form. In a couple of weeks all that will remain is a shiny pink pucker of skin.

This undisputable promise was the only thing that kept me going in the weeks that followed Edward's abandonment. I waited, and waited for the gaping hole in my chest to heal. Three weeks later there was still no scab. The contusion was as exposed as it had been that first week. My heart was gone, and I couldn't be bothered looking for it.

**AN - The disclaimer is for the complete lack of Edward (duh!), and because New Moon sucked w/o Edward! Every page I was like, …damn no Edward!….damn no Edward,…. Damn STILL no Edward!! But this chapter needed to happen. **

**Hey guys. Sooo… yeah. This chapter So isn't my favorite. Sorry, but it completely bummed me out. I got all sad writing it… blah. **

**This chapter's song is ****Baby One More Time****, **_**NOT**_** by Brittney, by Travis. It's actually really sad. The music is allot better and it portrays Bella's depression and sense of loss….. Go check it out lol!**

**Cheer me up, say something funny… or something hott about Edward… he always makes me feel better…. Blah.**

**REVIEW!! Or I'll get even sadder and won't be able to finish chapter 15.….. **


	15. Chapter 15

_**AN - I Just want to thank all you guys for cheering me up! Hehe… especially the semi-permanent image of ghetto Edward! OME, that's still making me laugh! **_

_**And all your kind reviews were so sweet. I was fully expecting hate mail, so that was an awesome surprise! Ow… I have crazy sunburn right now! **__**L **_

_**Chapter 15:**_

_Jacob's eyes were fixed on the icy black road as he drove his beat up Volkswagen in the direction of Forks High School. It was the first week of December, three weeks since… __it _happened. My life had become empty and rhythmic in this period of time, broken up into a series of pain. I complied to all my obligations, stumbling through them heedlessly.

Jacob had insisted on driving me to and from school daily because of the horrible weather conditions, despite the fact that his school was all the way across town. The usual glum of Forks' grey sky looked especially forbidding compared to the two feet of sparkly-white fresh snow that carpeted the entire town. As I looked out the car window to the dreary sight I huffed softly to myself. The weather captured the frozen abandon that entertained my heart perfectly.

I didn't argue with him on the phone last night when he called to tell me his plans after hearing the weather predictions. Jacob's presence was the only ray of light I had left in my life. When he wasn't with me I stumbled around blindly. People talked to me and I went places, but nothing really penetrated my surface. I was trapped inside my head with the painful memory of Edward, and everyone else was sealed out. Everyone but Jacob. Tears constantly threatened my eyes, but after school when I saw him idling in the illegal teachers parking spots right outside the cafeteria door, they vanished. His huge smile broke through the brick wall that encompassed me, penetrating warmth into my withering heart. His was the only face that made me smile, however weak it might be.

Charlie had been growing anxious around me. He hated to see me suffer, especially when he knew there was nothing he could do to help. It was easy to see the wave of relief pass over him whenever Jacob walked through our front door. Charlie knew what Jacob meant to me, and secretly I speculated when Charlie was planning to ask Jacob to move in.

I hadn't told anyone the reason for my breakdown, but Jacob, being who he was, guessed a week after the Cullen family left. We were sitting on the couch late one afternoon watching TV. Jacob had turned on a funny video show, one that we used to watch together as children. After each homemade tape ended he would roar with laughter, grabbing his stomach or slapping his thighs. The sound was soothing, and little flecks of peace graced my sole every time I heard my personal pain medication. Halfway through the show he turned to me smiling to comment about something he'd found especially hilarious. His face dropped suddenly when he saw my blank expression.

He pushed out a great amount of air through his flared nostrils, "Cullen did this.", he murmured in a low accusing tone, it wasn't a question. My heart stopped flat at the name. I stopped breathing, waiting unexplainably for something to happen. I felt the familiar expectation one gets after saying '_open sesame_', when you automatically wait for a door to fly open. I almost expected Edward to come walking through our front door at the mention of his name. It had been so long since anyone said it out loud. After five seconds I mentally slapped myself. _Don't be a fool! He's not coming back! _The hole in my chest bleed freely again at the harsh realization. I wrapped my arms around the trauma sight to slow the flow as hot tears streamed down my face. Jacob sighed, leaning over to hook his arm around me then pulled me in closer so he could position himself into our familiar hug. He never mention it again.

Jacob's car sped into the crowded parking lot and screeched to a halt right in front of the main door. His complete disregard for the law always managed to get a rise out of me, my smile was automatic. He smiled back and jabbed both his large pointer fingers out toward my face. They caught my upturned lips and tacked them into place, I couldn't frown if I tried.

"There's something I don't see everyday.", his words were playful but I could detect a hint of seriousness. "You need to smile more." With his fingers still in place I looked down at the books in my hands. I felt so guilty for dragging Jacob down with me this past month. I didn't want to think about how many parties he skipped, or how many girls he turned down just so he could watch me. I felt like I needed a babysitter, I shifted uncomfortably in the seat. Before I could think or say anything out loud a thunderous bang sounded right next to my ear causing me to yelp in surprise and jump onto Jacobs lap.

"Jeez man! Take it easy!", Jacob yelled threw the thick glass of the passenger side window. His face was full of anger, he loved his beaten up Rabbit. My heart was still jumping in my chest as I turned around in the direction of the noise, coming face to face with the school's principle.

Jacob was cursing under his breath as he rolled down the glass panel. I elbowed him hard in the arm.

"Might I ask why I have been finding your car parked all over the illegal spots in this lot as of recent young man?" Mr. Greene spat with pure fury. Jacob sighed and rolled his eyes casually. I numbly swayed my eyes back and forth between the agitated men. A month ago I would have been dying from stress overload in this situation. I would have yelled at Jake for being so blatantly disrespectful, and apologized to Mr. Greene for the inconvenience we had caused. Today, besides the slightly-off beat of my heart, remnants from the loud knock's shock, I felt nothing.

"Listen kid, I can't stop you from playing chauffer for Ms. Swan, but if I catch you anywhere outside of public parking I'm calling the cops! I already have you plate number down, _don't_ test me!" He took a step back and composed himself before calling in a less aggressive voice, "School is about to start Isabella. I suggest you start making your way to class." He turned and marched into the building with his head held high like he had accomplished something.

"Ass!" Jacob's face was burning red. He was usually so laid back, I hardly ever saw him this angry. I couldn't muster up the genuine compassion that should have come easily, but knew how to fake it. I draped my arms over his shoulders and hugged him. After a few minutes I felt his tense form relax. He breathed out the remaining fury, "Thanks, Bells."

I let go and looked at him with emotionless eyes before I opened the car door to leave. I climbed out and shivered in the early winter air missing the only part of L.A. I ever enjoyed. I bent over to grab my bag from the floor of the car, and when I stood back up Jacob was standing next to me.

"Here, Bella. Take my jacket, you're freezing." He lifted the huge amount of black down filled material toward me. My brows pulled together.

"No way, Jacob! I'm not taking your jacket! All I'm going to hear for the next month is how I got you sick!" Another rare smile spread faintly on my face. He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Oh, whatever, Bells! I'm fine right now, but look at you. You're shivering!" It was true, I was freezing standing out in the snow. Honestly I would have been just as cold inside, but he couldn't know that. Lately I've been cold constantly, having to wear two pairs of long socks, and three to four t-shirts under my thick sweaters. I eyed the fluffy jacket greedily, it did look warm. Jacob hadn't missed my eye's movement. He tossed the material at my face, forcing me to catch it.

"Just take it." His face twisted into a cocky smile when I shoved my arms into the sleeves. I knew I was being selfish but I could barely help myself.

"Thank you, Jacob.", I managed through my chattering teeth as he walked back over to the driver's seat. He smiled at me one more time before I turned and walked away. I felt the warm flush of air hit me as I walked into the heated building. It was better then the outside air, but nowhere near my comfort level. I ended up wearing Jacob's huge North Face parka through all my morning classes. It was so big it warmed my thighs and the top half of my calves. The sleeves' length made it impossible to hold a pencil. This held no matter to me, I had stopped taking notes.

I could see my teachers and classmates staring at my odd wardrobe choice, but felt no embarrassment. I even lifted the fur rimmed hood over my head in calculus when I felt a draft from the old window I was sitting next to. I rested my chin on the desk and began to dose off when Angela leaned over in my direction.

"Still sick, Bella?" I could feel my face screw up in confusion, then quickly remembered the lie I had thrown at her a week or so ago to avoid the real problem.

"Oh… y- yeah. I think I have a, a virus or something." My voice came out flat.

"Yeah, I think you're right. No offense, but you don't look very well. You've got huge dark circles under your eyes, and you're looking kind of thin too. I mean, you've lost weight since you started here. Do you think it's a stomach virus?" Her face was full of sincere concern, but I couldn't hide the large smile that overtook my face when she acknowledged my weight loss. I breathed out a sigh of relief. For a moment there I was truly happy. And now, thanks to Angela, I had a perfect excuse. I was suffering from a chronic stomach virus, too sick to eat.

"I don't know, maybe,. I'm going to get it checked out though." I lied indifferently. I was done with this menial conversation.

"Why don't you have lunch with me today?" She asked as she darted her eyes at the teacher making sure she remained undetected. "We all miss you at the table." Her eyes locked into mine, and I knew she wouldn't be excepting a '_no_'. I frowned at her intense face. When had Angela become so pushy? The bell rang signaling the end of class. She grabbed my thin wrist and pulled me behind her with such a force the hood flew off my head.

--

Angela bought me a bowl of soup through my protests. It sat in front of me, the delicious smell wafting into my nostrils. The steam danced above the broth's surface teasing me. I wanted to eat it so badly. I longed for it almost lustfully. I could picture myself spooning the contents into my hungry mouth. I could practically feel the hot liquid sliding down my throat, warming me from the inside out. I waged war on myself for half an hour before Angela looked away from her conversation with Mike and Jessica.

"Why aren't you eating, Bella?" She had that same intensity from before, when she made me to sit with her. I had to force my eyes away from the gloriously steaming bowl.

"Huh?.. Oh, I'm not that hungry…" I shook my head casually and shoved the bowl away. She sighed, a frown tugging at the corners of her lips. I had won, as I always have, and always will. She gave up and started to turn her head back to the conversation. She stopped suddenly and gasped looking into the mob of students.

I returned my attention back to the soup. It looked so warm and perfect. I yanked down on the extra material from the sleeves of Jacob's jacket, and wrapped my icy fingers around the bowl. My eyes closed in content, it felt wonderful.

"Oooo…" I heard Angela's soft voice call. "The Cullens are back." My heart stopped. I froze in the exact position I was in. My mind was wiped blank. The walls of my vision began to sparkle blurrily. The world was spinning around me. I clutched the lunch table to sturdy myself. Did she just say what I think she said? I glanced over at Mike, Jessica, Lauren, Ben, Tyler, Nick, and Angela, only moving my eyes. All seven of then were looking in the same direction. The direction of the Cullen's lunch table. My breathing was deepening, and I fought to keep it undetected.

"Are you ok?" Mike's deep voice broke through the buzzing in my ears. I looked up at him with wide eyes. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone, but I couldn't remember how to talk. Suddenly my mouth was dry, I needed water. I stood up and started toward the wall of vending machines. My eyes, wide as saucers, were dead set on the ground as my deep breaths echoed in my ears. I couldn't slow my heart beat no matter how I tried. It felt like all the eyes in this crowded room were upon me. Were _his_? Was he looking at me right now as I shuffled foolishly across the linoleum tile? I panicked and made a feeble attempt to appear more relaxed. I straightened my back a little and combed my numb fingers through my knotted hair. The struck-dumb look on my face refused to move an inch so I pulled the hood back up to cover it. Maybe he wouldn't recognize me under the disguise of the heavy material. I quickly shoved a dollar into the machine and slammed the plastic button down impatiently. I listened to the heavy banging inside the machine edgily until the clear plastic bottle fell into the dispenser. I grabbed it, and pulling the hood as far in front of my face as it would go, I walked back to the table. Hundreds of thoughts rushed through my mind. He was back. Why hadn't he talked to me? Did he still have an interest in me? Why had he left? _How_ could he have left?!

I dropped into my chair and gulped down the entire bottle in one swoop. I could barely hear Lauren contemplating where Rosalie had gotten her hair highlighted, or Angela swoon over Jasper's tortured eye's. My breathing was dominating all other sound. I stared at the empty bottle in my white hands, scared to look away from it. If I looked over, if I saw him….

I was barley holding on as it was. I didn't trust myself to take him in without completely losing hold of my sanity. I jumped about a foot when the end-of-lunch bell rang loudly. I landed on Ben who steadied my fame out, then laughed at my exaggerated reaction. My heart's fluttering pace didn't quicken from the scare, It was already going as fast as it could, and faster then it should. He walked away with the rest of the group close behind him.

I heaved in and out as hundreds of people scurried by me, some bumping into me in their rush, causing my shoulders to fly back. I couldn't move. I begged my feet to carry me up the stairs with everyone else, and away from this place where _he _was. I needed to stay away for my own good.

They wouldn't budge, remaining stuck like dry cement had plastered them to the floor. My eyes suddenly flicked in the direction of the Cullen's table like a magnet was forcing them there. The table was blocked by swarms of students moving toward the hallway.

Slowly the crowd began to thin. I started to see flashes of light between the moving forms, still to close to make out a background. My lungs expanded until they hurt, my breaths were becoming too hard to ignore. The spinning in my head was beginning to blur my vision again. I felt tears well up in my eyes, I had nothing left to prevent them from pouring down my face.

I was a deer in headlights. My entire being depended on me fleeing this place immediately. No good would come of staying, yet still, there I stood. Physically incapable of moving a single muscle. My heart was going to explode, I could feel it. It sped up and my head was getting too heavy. The crowd finally parted, and then I saw.

**AN - HeHeHe!! Cliffy! The Author's one and only weapon of mass destruction!!**

**Ok, don't jump down my throat in reviews, I HONESTLY was planning to include everything in this chapter. Seriously I was!! I swear!! But then it got really long, and I knew there was allot I needed to add still, so I broke it up. I made an educated decision to give you two, great long chapters as opposed to one, rushed chapter. So there. But I **_**am**_** sorry, I would be pissed if I were you guys… (ducks under desk)**

**The songs this chapter are, Crash World****, and Someone Is Looking Over Me****, by… well I'm not gunna' say who they're by cause' you all will be like "What….?! That's so lame! Blah…." ****But the songs are really good, and go perfectly with the story. Crash World is Bella's view of her super sucky Edwardless world, and her trying to survive without him. Someone Is Looking Over Me is Bella's feelings about Jacob, and how he is really taking care of her. What a good guy, right?!**

**So don't hate me, K?! I SWEAR there will be an update tomorrow!! A GOOD update!**

**It's like… 2:26am.., well no, it's not **_**like **_**2:26am, it IS 2:26am! Ugh.. I'm bushed… going to sleep now, and yes, I stayed up to write this for you guys, I felt bad after last chapter… but I guess I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow! Lol! SORRY!**

**REVIEW now!….. Or NOW!……..or ReVIeW………………………………...NOW! Heehee!**


	16. Chapter 16

**AN - Bum, Bum, Bum…. The eagerly awaited chapter 16! Heehee. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 16:**

I was a deer in headlights. My entire being depended on me fleeing this place immediately. No good would come of staying, yet still, there I stood. Physically incapable of moving a single muscle. My heart was going to explode, I could feel it. It sped up and my head was getting too heavy. The crowd finally parted, and then I saw.

Beyond my control hope had wormed its way inside my head. It took me but a second to take in the entirety of the scene. Four disturbingly beautiful creatures sat together fifteen feet away from where I stood. They talked fluidly amongst themselves, their serious faces leaving no devastation in beauty. They stood up in turn heading toward their various classes, hand in hand. I knew he was missing the exact moment I laid eyes on the group, I almost _felt_ his absence. I was too far beyond desperate to simply take this in stride. My heavy head swung this way, then that, looking for his face in a desperate attempt. Maybe he already left for class, I cooed to myself. Maybe he was in the bathroom, or the library… When Alice's sparkling dark eyes met mine filled with sorrow and pity I knew the truth. He wasn't here, he hadn't come back.

As my face crumpled time stopped.

One minute ago I was certain my sanity depended on the avoidance of Edward Cullen. I couldn't have been more wrong. This fresh pain was as if he left me all over again. I could literally feel my rib cage cracking wide open. My body swayed with the movements of my spinning head. I was being brutally pulled apart at all ends, and no one was here to hold me together.

I didn't scream out in out pain like I usually did. I didn't cry, or fall to the ground. I didn't try to seal the gaping hole in my chest. I didn't even think. The deafening noises that were my thoughts and miseries grew louder in my head, overwhelming all my senses until they quite suddenly stopped.

I felt the single string attaching me to sanity _snap_, then I was lost.

My sole had finally ripped free from my body. There were no more painful memories to hide from, I was empty. A shell. This new silence was just as loud, but free of despair…

My body took control after my mind switched off. It turned around and marched up the stairs to my next class. I walked in ignoring the annoyed glare from my teacher for being late. I sat down neatly in my assigned seat. My eyes stared at the dry erase board in the front of the room the entire period without seeing. There was no thought in my head, just a quiet whooshing of wind in the hallow space. I simply was. I existed, but was not living.

I could hear Jessica's shrill voice, it was merely background music to my nothingness.

"Bella, do you have an extra pencil?" I heard the faint words without taking in their meaning.

"Hello? Earth to Bella!" The noise got louder, less patient. "What's wrong with you?!" There was quiet for a minute, then that same noise returned.

"Freak!"

Silence.

The rest of the afternoon passed in the same manner. When the final bell rang, and my classmates all buzzed with relief and excitement, I felt no change. It was only time to move again. I walked straight to the doors and out of the building without bothering to visit my locker.

Freezing cold air mixed with fat snow flakes stung my exposed face and my body's physical reaction was to hunch over, shielding myself from the wind. The oversized hood was completely blocking my vision in this awkward position. I tipped my face up fractionally. Jacob wasn't in his usual spot. I should have been thankful, I knew Mr. Greene wasn't bluffing when he said he'd call the cops. My eyes swept over the first row of cars but there was no sign of Jacob.

I sighed realizing I'd have to stand up and walk around the huge lot looking for him. I held as much material to my lower face as I could, only leaving my eyes uncovered. My body wound up and down the aisles of cars searching for Jacob's Rabbit. Ten minutes later I was shaking violently in the arctic snowfall. This was getting ridiculous. I marched all the way down to the last row of cars, deciding to work my way back up to the building.

About ten feet away I stopped walking. I could see the last row clearly from this distance, there was no need to walk all the way down there, the less I had to do the better. I swept my eyes over the long row and finally found Jacob. He held his large hand up and smiled at me through the dirty windshield. He must have caught something he didn't like in my face, his black eyebrows pulled together and his smile vanished as he opened the door and climbed out of the car. With one foot still inside he stood holding the door in front of his body. I could tell he was wrestling with the idea to run up to me and smother me in his protectiveness.

There was no need for him to leave the car, to wrap me up in his warm arms. I knew there was nothing he could do now, no sole left to comfort. I looked to the side avoiding his concerned gaze and began to walk forward.

Something bright caught my eye as I walked. Something that shone so gloriously the spotless white snow looked every bit as grey as the winter sky. I automatically stopped moving…. I dare not breath.

All at once my senses came flooding back into me, the beating of my heart was loud and pronounce in my ears. A water fall of emotion drowned the numbness till it was dead. I felt again, and it was too much. My chest was swelling in confusion. Was I sad? Or is this happiness? I couldn't figure it out… maybe it was both.

My surroundings lay forgotten, moving in only the slowest of motion. Snowflakes practically stationary in the air. My world was standing mere yards away. His divine body propped up against the bumper of his silver car. Head down staring at the frozen ground, hands tucked into his pockets.

I knew I was dreaming. He looked better then my simple memory could allow. His unfiltered Godliness brought tears to my wide eyes and discomfort to my heart. I sucked breath in for the first time out of physical need. It was sharp and loud. How long had I stood here without oxygen? After that first breath my lungs were working overtime. They heaved in and out, I couldn't get enough air.

My blurry eyes saw cars zooming past at an unbelievable rate. A second later I realized the cars were stationary, _I_ was the one moving. With all of my training I'd never moved like this. So fast my tears were ripping from my eyes into the wind behind me. A buzzing of frenzied energy and hope tickled my skin. My breathing got more frantic keeping pace with the yearning of my body.

I had no concern for pride as I slammed my feet onto the pavement, cheeks growing hot. I was swinging free. In a complete reversal of my empty shell, I was now _only_ a sole. A desperate sole. I didn't worry if he felt the same way, if he wanted me. I _needed_ him.

My heavy breaths caught his attention, his gorgeous head turned slowly toward me. My face twisted in longing at his holiness, it made me dizzy. His hard cold eyes melted as they met mine, changing from onyx to gold. This made my desire even more suffocating. He stood up away from his car and took a small step in my direction. My head was spinning, I couldn't make out the expression on his face.

I was only three paces away from the treasure now. One, two, I jumped, clinging onto his cold hard body with every bit of need I had. I locked my arms together behind his back with such force I felt bruises blooming on my wrists under the material of Jacob's jacket, I wasn't taking any chances. His perfume filled my lungs and a rigidness that had overtaken me the last month began to crack. Tears soaked his coat and my body shook with heaving lungs against his.

My face squished into the joint of his lovely neck. "Oh, God!" I screamed into his skin. I was ripping at the seams, I could feel myself about to burst. My small body couldn't contain the overflow of relief. In that moment I didn't think of his abandonment, of the month of pain that nearly killed me. I was with Edward, touching his perfection. I was happy again.

His hands reached up, one landing on the small of my back, aiding in my effort to become a permanent fixture. The other cradled my head into him. It almost felt like he wanted me there as much as I needed to be there. His head bent as he rested his cheek on the top of my head.

I was wrong again. I wasn't dreaming, I was dead. The thought didn't upset me, I knew I was in heaven.

"Bella…" Edward breathed my name. It was music that tugged at my heartstrings. I wrapped my legs around his waste, the more time I spent clutched to him the harder it would be to let go.

"Bella, I'm so sorry." , he crushed his face harder into my hair. What was he apologizing for? This was the best feeling, beyond dreams. I should be thanking him.

He let go of me and with strength that made my efforts look menial, he pulled me off of him. My heart tore, I heard the ripping noise in my ear. My tears of joy turned acidic.

"Edward!" My face gleamed in panic, causing his to twist in agony as he studied it. He cupped my cheek in his hand. My face instantly relaxed at his touch and turned into his freezing fingers covering my nose. His scent was like an addictive magic. My eyes closed in contempt.

His hand left my face suddenly. I opened my eyes and his face was gone, but before I could get upset something touched my leg. I looked down and saw Edward on his knees before me. His gracefull arms wrapped around my shaking legs, his head resting on the heavy black material covering my thighs.

"Bella, I can never take back the hideous crime that I have commited." I looked down trying to read his expression. His eyes were closed, face tense in plain torture. My heart cried, nothing this beautiful should look this sad. I brushed his silky hair with my fingers. The simple motion brought me the pleasure I had meant it to give him. He twisted his head forward so it was hidden completely by the parka on my legs, as if he was so ashamed he was scared to show his face. What an absurd thought.

""I wish with all my power that I could. It was the worst decision I have ever made in all my years. I'll never be able to forgive myself. Never…" His velvet voice paused, the returned softer then before. "I will understand if you can't forgive me either.", his grand chest took in a great amount of air and then began to shake. His pain was too much, I couldn't bare it.

"Edward." I whined quietly. His face craned up to look at me. The torture in his eyes was unmistakable.

"But I am on my knees here and now begging you to forgive. Please, Bella. If there is any love for me in your magnificent heart… please. Forgive me." "I will spend the rest of my life trying to makeit up to you." There was nothing but sincerity in his words. My torso swelled in passion at his vow. My tears splashed down onto his face. He ignored them and extended his hands to dry my cheeks.

"Of course, Edwad." The words were whispers. I wasn't even sure if he cold hear them, but then he stood., eyes blazing, and I knew he had.

"You shouldn't. I don't deserve you." He whispered back. Not giving me enough time laugh at the rediculousness of his statement, he lifted me off the ground crushing his lips into mine. My cheeks burned and my stomach twisted at the bottom. His intensity made my head spin leaving me dizzy. I wrapped my arms and legs around his body without thought. My lips moved with his in a perfect dance. His arm moved up my back slowly and the friction felt marvelous, I arched my back instinctively closing the centemeter of space between us. He moaned into my mough, the vibration cauing me to gasp at the jolt of pleasure. His lips traced down my neck to where my pulse beat, now at an alarming rate. I shivered at their skillful touch.

He stopped moving abruptly. I thought I did something wrong, a fresh wave of blush crashed onto my face. He pulled away from my neck to look at me with confusion colored all over his face. His copper eyebrows pulled together and his full lips pouted in an absurdly seductive way.

"Bella, your blood smells off. Have you been sick?" …………What?!

"What?!" There was only huge question marks throbbing in my brain. What was he talking about?

His face relaxed a little, remaining intense. "We need to talk about something, Bella." The seriousness of his voice scared me, but not as much as the vile lothing in the unmistakable growl ripping through the air from next to me. I spun my head around and Edward did the same.

"Jacob!"

**AN - !! **

**Sorry for this being later then normal… I fell asleep early last night so had to write this entire chapter this morning!! Hope it was everything you imagined!!**

**See… There was no way this would all fit in one chapter!! I was right to separate it… Come on you can say yes…LOL!! I won't tell anyone! LOL!**

**So Talk To me! What do you think? Allot went down in that snowy lot!**

**Two songs this chapter; Sweetness, by Jimmy Eat World (one of my fav's), and Honest Mistake, by the Bravery. Sweetness is Bella finally cracking. Going crazy then letting go and jumping Edward's bones. Honest Mistake…. Hmmm? What can that be about?! Haha Go Listen to the play list on my profile… it's free, you have no excuse!! **

**REVIEW!!**

**THANK YOU!**


	17. Chapter 17

**I fully recommend that you all go to my profile before reading this chapter! Go to the playlist and listen to chapter 17's song, ****Beat It****. It will get you pumped up and ready for what's gunna' happen. Just a strong suggestion to enhance your reading experience!**

**SHOUT OUT!**** What up 3DayGirl?! Just wanted to ask… how was the spoon-fest with Carlisle last night?! 'the doctor is ready to see you now…' LOL!, Who's your favorite author now?…. Haha!**

**Chapter 17:**

"Bella, your blood smells off. Have you been sick?" …………What?!

"What?!" There was only huge question marks throbbing in my brain. What was he talking about?

His face relaxed a little, remaining intense. "We need to talk about something, Bella." The seriousness of his voice scared me, but not as much as the vile loathing in the unmistakable growl ripping through the air from next to me. I spun my head around and Edward did the same.

"Jacob!" The russet skin of his face grew even darker in anger, contrasting beautifully with the white snow swirling heavily around him. His whole body shook in an unfamiliar penetrating rage. The normally warm eyes that were constantly turned up in a smile now felt cold, dead set on Edward's. My heart pounded, as a whole new rush of emotion didn't overpower, rather added to my already overflowing system. I knew too well the pain I'd caused Jacob in the past month as he watched me wither away. He loved me, and my pain was his own. If it was him suffering I wouldn't have had his strength.

What did this seem like through Jacob's eyes? He had done everything in his power to rescue me from the depths of hell for weeks, nothing had worked. Edward, the cause of my meltdown, which he was very aware of, returns and the first thing I do is run up to greet him with open arms. Forgiving him easily as if he simply forgot to call me back. I understood his reaction. My heart stung for Jacob as I looked into his bitter eyes.

"Get away from her!" If I wasn't so familiar with Jacob's voice I wouldn't have known it was him who spoke. His jaw was clenched tight, the words seeped through his locked teeth like a poisonous gas.

Edward's face was tense again as he placed me on the ground next to him. My arms refused to lose contact, the pain was still to real. I pushed away the excess material of the parka that covered my hands and slid two fingers into a button hole on Edward's topcoat, hooking on tight. Jacob's eyes caught the significance of my precautious action and he frowned for a second before turning back to Edward.

"How dare you! What makes you think you can just stroll back into town after all the damage you've caused?!" His chest heaved with his growing fury. "You nearly killed her! Do you know that you piece of scum?!"

My mouth popped open forming a perfect _o_. I was shocked. I had never known Jacob to be so harsh, so confrontational. He was my peaceful ray of sunlight, not at all similar to this man in front of me positively quaking in ferocity. I lifted my free hand and placed it on Jacob's shoulder in a feeble attempt to calm him. My body acting as a bumper between two rather large men.

"Jacob, it's ok. You don't have to-", he cut me off by lifting his massive hand palm out in my direction silencing me immediately. My face flinched back instinctively. Did he just give me the hand?!

"I want you to go back from where ever you came from! And don't you even think about touching her!" Halfway through the second sentence Jacob grabbed my arm, a little to harshly, and swung me behind his tall figure away from Edward. The two fingers I had hooked onto Edwards topcoat coat now throbbed in pain at the sudden strain. I hadn't let go, but Jacob's strength ripped them away inflicting a severe case of rug…no, coat burn.

"JAKE!" My tone was one of a mother scolding their child, mixed with shock and anger. I twisted my body trying to free myself from his rock hard grasp. Confused tears formed in my sore eyes. I felt guilty for doing this to Jacob, but at the same time he was going too far. I could make my own decisions and his childlike behavior was pushing me to the edge.

Edward's silky voice eased the pressure building in my chest and head. "Who, might I ask, is the one holding Bella against her will currently?" His voice was smug, and I wished desperately to see his wry smile, but Jacob's hand was dominant as ever. His broad shoulders were all I could see.

"I'm protecting her!" Jacob's feral snarl stopped my struggle, and my heart all at once. My wide eyes peered onto the back of his head., I knew _that _tone. He used it only once before, when we were eight and I decided I wanted to go cliff diving with all the teenage boys in town. He refused, of course, but I wouldn't listen. I snuck to the beach all by myself early one summer morning and stood at the cliff's edge. After looking down, seeing how far I would have to jump I chickened out, but Jacob found me standing so close and panicked. He shouted at me in the same animalistic way, trying to conceal his true emotion. He was scared, he didn't want me to go through the last month of torture ever again. I was getting dizzy, I reminded myself to breath. How can I get upset at him? He was only doing the best he could, trying to keep me safe like he always has. I was stuck in the middle. I didn't know how to fix this.

"Your protection is unnecessary now." Edward's voice was no longer smooth as glass. It broke in odd parts, full of anguish. My heart started up going from zero to sixty in a split second. Was Jacob hurting him?! I hadn't even felt him move. That was the breaking point, there was no need to get physical. My body buzzed in worry for Edward, he sounded so weak.

"JAKE!" I punched the center of his shoulder blades with all my might. "OW!" My hand surged in warm throbs of distress. His body shifted as he turned to face me, his brows were still knitted together, but his hate was replaced with soft worry. A familiar worry I regretted forcing on him. I forgot my pulsing hand, and the anger he had rued up. I only saw Jacob, _my_ Jacob. The warm care free spirit I had grown up with.

I breathed out in resignation and reached my good hand up over his shoulder, hugging him. I wanted him to know it would be ok. He automatically wrapped his arms around me and his embrace was comfortable, familiar, and wonderful. The prevalent tension lifted off both our shoulders as one unwelcome weight.

"Jacob, I'm so sorry!" I huffed into his sweater. Tears drenching it from my closed eyes. "I'm sorry I put you through that. I was being so selfish." he pulled me in closer at my apology.

"Bella, you were hurting. Don't be sorry for suffering, don't think twice about it." his arms stiffened a little and he turned his face to my ear. His whisper was barley audible, yet urgent at the same time.

"You know I love you, Bella. I love you like you were my own flesh and blood, I would die for you." Why was he talking like this? Like he _was_ about to die for me. His panicky voice made my stomach flip-flop in nervousness. My eyes opened in confusion, landing on Edward's tormented face, he was looking at the ground with one hand clutching his head. I sighed in mourning of his beauty. "You can't do this. You can't just go back to him. Don't do this to yourself. I won't let you!"

I pulled out of our embrace, arms still locked together. "What do you mean I won't _let_ you?" My curiosity was tying with the returning rage. I eyed Jacob for any indication in the meaning of his words. His face was tight, full of something I couldn't recognize. It made me uneasy.

"Are you going to forgive him, Bella? Are you going to go back to him?" the energy in his eyes were off, like they were looking right through me, seeing something else completely.

I put forth no effort in my response, it flowed willingly from my lips answering both questions. "I already have."

His face screwed up again, and I unnecessarily flinched away from it's fierceness. He let me go and spun around. Becoming free, I naturally gravitated back to Edward, stopping only when my side touched his. I pressed my body into his a little harder in a silent request, he answered by slipping his arm around my waist. Ahh… whole again. I peered up at his face after relief filled me. His eyes were tight in concentration as if he was trying to think really hard about something.

"That's it!" Jacob fumed, hands balled into tight fists of white. "I told you to leave!" My eyes widened in horror and the world moved in slow motion again. Jacob's large fist sprung forward in the unmistakable direction of Edward's face. Surges of adrenaline throbbed through my veins as the beating of my heart raced. My next actions were foolish really. Something deep inside me took control,… fear. Fear of losing Edward again. I would rather die then live to see him die, rather take a punch then watch as he took one. I shifted my weight, moving in between the flying fist and the beautiful face it was aimed at. Before I moved a full inch Edward hissed in protest and his icy arm pulled me behind him in exactly the same protective way Jacob's had.

My anxiety was too much, I wiggled free from his iron grasp to peer around his side. This all took only a fraction of a second. Jacob's fist was still in motion. Heart punching the inside of my ribs, Edward reached out casually and caught Jacob's fist in unmistakable ease right before it hit his face. He held onto it through Jacob's wild struggles to break free.

At first I was relived. The large breath I was inadvertently holding in whooshed out of my gaping mouth. My heart calmed to a rapid flutter. Jacob failed to injure Edward, no damage to the perfectly straight line that was his nose. No blood spilt.

As if my mind was in a constant hunt for turmoil I remembered that fateful day a month ago, I could see Edward moving faster then my eyes could take in. Beads of cold sweat covered my entirety in seconds. If Edward could move like that… what else could he do? How strong was he? Surely stronger then Jacob. My heart screamed out in protest at Edward's unyielding grasp on Jacob's hand. All at once it was Jacob's nose I feared for. A fleeting scene flashed before my eyes, Edward punching Jacob so hard… My already wide eyes grew.

I shuddered at the farce image, and a petrified voice in the back of mind screeched in protest, "Edward, No! Don't hurt him!". My voice was high, full of stress and panic. Edward's face hardened and his eyes flickered to me quickly, then back to Jacob.

The strong humiliation and resentment in Jacob's face brought more tears, I was crying for the pain of my two loves at the same time, I was exhausted.

Edward's face went smooth, but in a forced unnatural way. His nostrils flared revealing his true feelings. He pulled at Jacob's arm, reeling him in like an unwilling fish until his face was so close they could have touched. I saw a flash of savage victory in his eyes before he sneered,

"I have not yet begun to fight, or grovel if it comes to that."

**AN - Hey, Hey, Hey, What's Hapnun'?!**

**Yeah… So did anyone else have a problem with FF yesterday?! I tried to update like every couple of hours and my page was fully F!ed up! So sorry for the delay, but this was ready yesterday morning! Yell at FF, not me! **

**This chapter's song is called ****Beat It****, by the Fall Out Boys (Featuring John Meyer). It's totally like Jacob being, "Beat it!", and Edward being all, "You don't want to be a boy, you want to be a man… Well If you want to stay alive you better do what you can, so just beat it!" **

**Come On?! How perfect is this song?! Did it get you pumped!! **

**Oh, I changed my avatar picture thingy on my profile… I did tell you guys I was trapped in a condo for like 3 days with no cable, internet, or phone lines during a hurricane right?! Hehe! Well I got bored… Mmmm….Spunkman!**

**What do you guys think of the fight…or well confrontation. It never really happened in the books, I needed to vent my frustration. **

**Sorry if you guys are bored with the whole Jacob/Edward confrontation thing, but I needed to set up Jacob's dislike for Edward (in a non jealous, "oh I Want Bella to marry me" kind of way)for a later part in the story. **

**Oh! And has anyone read ****The Host****?! I just bought it like two days ago. I haven't had much time to read, but I think I'm like on chapter 12...? I think it's freaking awesome so far, why do people hate it? If you've read it talk to me! But PLEASE don't spoil the end! I HATE that!! The last 3 HP books were ruined because my flippin' tard of a sister told me the endings! Wow.. That was allot of A N's….**

**REVIEW BI-OTCHES!! Luv Ya!! **


	18. Chapter 18

**What was that?!… Do I hear two shout out's for 3DayGirl?! I think I do!! Beat that! LOL! Much Luv, Alice. (you might get to play dr. with Carlisle, but I get to square dance with Jasper!.. AND play brave little soldier boy!!) **

**Chapter 18:**

Edward's face went smooth, but in a forced unnatural way. His nostrils flared revealing his true feelings. He pulled at Jacob's arm, reeling him in like an unwilling fish until his face was so close they could have touched. I saw a flash of savage victory in his eyes before he sneered,

"I have not yet begun to fight, or grovel if it comes to that." Edward threw Jacob's arm away violently then turned around and grabbed my hand. He marched me all the way to the passenger's side door of his Volvo before I could muster up the courage to break free from his divine touch.

"Wait." I whispered looking into his hard eyes, apology clear on my face, and guilt stabbing at my chest. I stood still for an entire minute, stunned once again by his magnificence. My heart skipped several beats in pleasure, I would never get used to that.

After catching my breath I shook my clouded head until it was clear then dropped his cold hand, the self inflicted loss made my stomach crawl. The second my hand was empty it involuntarily reached back up to grab his again, I'd gone without his touch for too long. I forced it to my side reassuring myself of the need to do this, to make things right with Jacob. I knew deep down I wouldn't be at peace without at least trying.

"I'll be right back.", I promised. His face was still forced into calmness as I turned on the heels of my feet and hurried to catch Jacob.

He only managed to get halfway back to his car before I took his hot hand from behind. "Jacob, please don't go." I breathed, not sure what else to say. I loved him like he loved me. My pain was his pain, and his mine. Right now, he was hurting.

At my touch he froze, shoulders tense, immobile. I heard the unmistakable sound of him releasing a heavy breath. He slowly turned, hatred freezing over the warmth his face usually emanated. A jolt of shame shook my system in response to the broken pride in his eyes. He was only trying to do right by me.

The deepest form of regret tightened my throat making it impossible to talk, so I stood on my tip-toes and wrapped my arms around him, only managing to reach the middle of his chest. He stood tense with no motion. For the first time in all our years together he didn't hug me back.

I never imagined Jacob being capable of causing me this much hurt. My brows shifted over my wet eyes full of rejection from the one person I had always been sure of. My heart stopped as panic flushed my body. This pain was no more bearable then the last month's. I had to make him understand, had to explain.

"Jacob, I'm sorry!" I yelled desperately into the folds of his sweater, attempting to break him out of this façade. This wasn't my jovial Jacob. My heart ached when he remained silent not saying a word, not hugging me back, but he didn't walk away either. Maybe he was having just as hard a time as I was.

"Don't be upset, …please. Try to understand." I was begging now. The image of Edward on his knees in front of me flashed in the back of my memory, and I knew…… if it came to that I would comply. Jacob meant too much to me to consider pride.

"No." His word was small and quick but held all the meaning in the world. My heart fell into my stomach.

"Please, Jacob! Try! Edward is sorry, he's so sorry that he left! He begged me to forgive him! It was my choice!" The words spilled rapidly out of my mouth as tears spilt from my eyes. I was eager to have Jacob hear them, to have him understand, to have him forgive me. I craved his hug, his forgiveness.

His eyes were dark, the words an acidic hiss out of curled up lips, "That makes it worse!" I flinched away from him dropping my arms and taking a step back. Who was this person? Never in all my life had he come close to behaving this way. I was in shock, words escaped me.

He took my reaction in and sighed closing his eyes. His large hand combed through his shiny black hair and his body relaxed. "I'm not mad at _you _Bella." He opened his eyes and looked at me in caution before continuing. "I think you're being stupid." I grabbed the area of chest over my heart at the sudden blow. He's called me stupid hundreds of times before this, but always with his twinkling eyes and a great warm smile. It never cut me like it did this time.

His face didn't move a muscle at my response to his curt words. "Look, Bella, these last couple of weeks were the worst of my life." I looked down to the snowflakes falling to the ground by my feet. I knew I should have ordered Jacob away when I was in that condition. "Not because I didn't want to take care of you." He interjected quickly noticing the regret in my face. He lifted my chin forcing me to look in his eyes. "Because I love you too much to just sit by helplessly while you're being tortured like that." It was his eyes that filled with tears now. My face warped into horror at his last statement.

My jaw dropped before I flung my arms back around him. To my great relief he hugged me back this time, lifting me off the ground so I could snake my arms around his neck. It felt comfortable, like home.

"Jacob what are you talking about?", I whined softly into his neck. "You weren't helpless. You were the only thing that kept me away from the edge." He tightened his grip on me, I wouldn't have it any other way. He gasped in a sharp waft of air. How badly had he been hurting all this time? Could it have matched my suffering? All the gratitude I had for his love the last month came rushing out in one very true testament, "Jacob, don't you see? You saved my heart."

He let me fall to the ground gently. His eyes, swimming with tears, were full of all the sun's warmth, his smile bright and youthful. I couldn't help but smile equally. My Jacob was back. The worst was behind us, we'd made it through.

I heard a huffing noise a couple feet away and my eyes met it's origin. Edward was pacing agitatedly in front of his car. Nostrils flaring and a pronounced wrinkle between his brows. His arms crossed tightly over his chest, staring unapologetically at us.

"Not very patient is he?", Jacob said, drawing me away from Edward. He was silent for minute, then continued. "Bella, you're my best friend, no, my family. I will always look out for you, always take care of you."

"I know you will Jak-" He cut me off, unfinished with his proclamation.

"I will always take care of you. _Always_. And when he hurts you again, which he _will _I'll be there. I'll always be there. That doesn't make me happy about this, about you going back. Don't expect me to be happy."

I frowned at this last part. I didn't know what to make of it. I was glad I had my best friend back, but would I have to tip-toe around parts of my life in front of him now? He smiled again, wiping away my fears, then leaned in and kissed my head.

"See ya, Bells." He turned around and started towards his car, after a few steps he called back, "Oh, by the way… you're totally rocking out that jacket." He laughed at his own joke, and of course, I laughed right along with him.

My body was at ease, finally. I felt like it hadn't been functioning properly for weeks and weeks. My lips curled into a smiled at the floaty feeling in my tired head. The universe was finally back in balance. Edward was back. More then that, he was back and he wanted _me_ back. Jacob, my oldest and most true friend, my family, as he put it, wasn't upset with me. All was right.

My body spun around, ready to find Edward, when I noticed several blobs of people standing around. All their eyes were set on me, a couple darted back and forth between Edward and I, then Jacob and I, Jacob then Edward. My cheeks burned and I rolled my eyes standing helpless and alone in the middle of the snowy lot… _stage, _I corrected myself. How much of that debacle had they witnessed? I could already imagine the rumors that were sure to spread like wildfire in the halls tomorrow morning.

The group closest to me was made up of most my lunch table. I saw Angela giggling pointedly at a very red Lauren. As I past her I caught her murmur something like, "Don't see why she get's to hottie skip…" I shook my head at her ridiculous assumptions. It didn't matter what any of these people thought. I was happy.

I met Edward in front of his car where he was holding his hand out ready. I took it and never wanted to let go.

--

I watched the snow as it landed delicately on the windshield of Edward's car collecting into a thin blanket. It was a drape of privacy I studied as it grew, anxiety burning in my chest. The entire ride home had been silent, which worried me. When he pulled up in front of my house I unbuckled my seatbelt and grabbed the door handle to open it, but Edward placed his icy fingers over my left hand stopping me.

"Wait, we have to talk." His face was tight and he fell into silence once more. That had been ten minutes ago. Ten minutes of terrible scenarios popping into my head. I thought I had a pretty good guess at what was upsetting him.

"Edward, I'm sorry about Jacob. He shouldn't have hurt you. He thought he wa-"

"It isn't what you think, Bella. I can assure you of that." His voice was smooth, but peppered with reluctance. My eyebrows squished together in confusion. He wasn't upset about Jacob? Before I had more time to think he went on.

"It weren't his fists that hurt me, Bella.", he paused, then sighed as if giving up an internal battle. "It weren't his words that hurt me, it was his thoughts, his memories of you,… you after I left."

My mouth popped open and my mind went blank. What was he saying?! Could it be true that Edward had read Jacob's thoughts, his memories?! I shook violently, suddenly the heat blasting from the vents on the dashboard wasn't working properly.

Edward turned away closing his eyes and sighed again. I wanted to ask him something, anything! Tell him to explain, but the shock was still too new. I couldn't remember how to talk. After a long moment he leaned his head back against the car seat and pinched the bridge of his nose in-between his thumb and index finger.

"Are you frightened?" His voice was so small, almost scared to hear my answer.

"No.", I was taken aback by my own response, so clear and definite. There was no fear in my heart as I looked up at him. I knew even before he left it didn't matter how different Edward was. Hadn't he always been different then the rest? Special?

He opened his eyes and turned to gape at me. "You aren't?" His eyes studied mine, intent on finding a hint of deceit.

"No, It doesn't matter to me." My voice was even and calm in the manner only truth could supply.

"It doesn't?" He spat, looking almost angry now. "You don't even know what you're saying!" His velvet voice grew in volume as his face twisted. "You haven't a clue!"

Despite Edward's outburst I remained eerily tranquil. What could he possibly reveal to me that was so horrible? That he was superman? He looked good in both red and blue, that wouldn't be a problem. I giggled at the quick image of Edward in tights and a cape, but this seemed to upset him even more.

"How can you be laughing right now?" His face was so pulled together it hurt my own. I reached up smoothed his forehead out with the tips of my fingers. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax into my touch.

"Edward, I don't care what… er, who you are. It doesn't change anything." I smiled at him, but the corner of his lips turned down.

"You might want to take that back in a minute. I will understand if you do." He sucked in a large breath, causing his chest to swell. I imagined a giant 'S' painted across it and smiled. Would it be so shocking if Edward _was _superman? A man that devoted his life to saving helpless strangers… he saved me after all.

"I'm not what you're thinking, whatever it is you're thinking." He turned his head and looked intently into my eyes, wanting to see my reaction. Suddenly my heart was racing, beads of sweat forming on my back and forehead. It wouldn't make a difference no matter what he said, but knowing the truth was coming made me uneasy.

"Do you believe in ghosts, Bella?", he whispered.

My eyes widened. I was trying very hard not to seem afraid or shocked, but doubted I was having any success. I could hear the throbbing of my pulse in my ears. He was a ghost?! Flashes of transparent, sheet covered people surged through my thoughts. He looked like no ghost I'd ever imagined. He _is _pale enough, my mind added quietly.

"Umm." I didn't know what to say, not that I could form coherent words in the first place. I bit back my initial response, _Of course not. What do you think… that I'm crazy? _That seemed very insensitive at the moment.

He didn't wait for me to answer. "What about other superstitions then? Witches and werewolves?" I didn't understand were he was going with this. _So he wasn't a ghost then?_ My throat was so dry it ached, and stomach knotted. If Edward was attempting to tell me he was some sort of undead being then I wanted to be supportive.

"I always thought that kid in _Casper_ was sort of cute." My wide eyes were filling with tears, casting away my feeble attempt to lighten the mood.

Edward's face twitched. I couldn't decipher if he was responding to my joke or his own introverted thoughts. He placed his hand on my face and smiled weakly, but his eyes were still sad and tired.

He leaned into me and kissed my lips softly. "There is no easy way to tell you this, Bella, but I know now that you will always be part of life so you must know." He breathed the words onto my open lips, his sweet breath causing my head to buzz. I wished he would go ahead and tell me either way. All I wanted were his lips back on mine.

He paused then sighed deeply, "I can't bring myself to tell you." _Great! What was the point of this whole charade then?_

He granted my wish and kissed me. His delicate touch sent jolts of pleasure into my stomach making my skin crawl for more. "I want you to guess, Bella."

My heart pounded so loud it was embarrassing as he traced his talented lips down to my neck. I drew my head back to give him better access. My breaths were coming out in pants now. I grabbed his hair and slid as close to him as physically possible in the car seat. I felt his mouth open and his cool breath on my suddenly hot flesh made me gasp.

Something harder then lips were grazing my neck now, it took me a minute to realize they were his teeth. He stopped at once, his mouth open on my neck teeth in place as if he was about to take a bite. I smiled at his teasing, _he_ might just be having been fun, but his teeth on my skin sent shivers of desire up my spine.

He stayed very still for so long, I looked down at him curious to see why he had stopped. His eyes were already studying my face, wide with worry. I wrinkled my forehead not understanding what was going on. His worry saddened me, I brushed my hand over his cheek to comfort him, but he rolled his eyes aggressively. Then, still looking into my eyes, I heard a rumble emanating from his chest. It grew louder until it ripped through his throat vibrating through his teeth into my skin.

I gasped and flew against the passenger window whacking my head with the abrupt force. I didn't even register the pain. I couldn't catch a breath as my heart spasmed uncontrollably. The only thing filling my otherwise vacant mind was strands of a movie I used to watch with Charlie. I had such a crush on the main character, Brad Pitt. Or Louis, as he was known. I saw him, pale as the moon, beautiful with long hair and nails, as he positioned himself exactly how Edward just did. His full lips curled back revealing two ominous fangs right before he sunk them into an innocent's flesh. I shuddered, _Edward couldn't be_…

Words escaped me but I needed to see for myself. I reached toward Edward's solemn face and with my index and middle fingers I pulled his cold top lip up revealing a set of perfectly white, but other wise fangless teeth. I let out a heavy breath and relaxed a little.

His lips moved up on their own accord forming a wide smile. "That's just a myth."

My heart sputtered, I had guessed right.

I looked at him, not sure of what emotions filled my face. His smile faded as he pressed his lips into a tight line. "Are you afraid now, Bella?"

No thought penetrated through my shock for what seemed an eternity. All the ideas and images the media had thrown at me were the first to swirl my thoughts. _Was I scared?…_I looked at Edward trying to imagine him walking along a dark street in the night, it seemed ridiculous. _No, _I finally realized, _it's impossible to be frightened of someone you love. _

When I answered my words were firm but gentle, "That's an absurd question, Edward. How can anyone be scared of an angel?"

**AN - Hey Guys! DAMN, that took forever to write! **

**I heard that some of you guys weren't able to comment on chpt 17 for some reason.?? If you couldn't double comment on this chpt, I really do want to hear your opinions on the whole Jacob/Edward throw down!**

**So, the song for chapter 18 is ****Operator, ****It was the closest thing I could find to fit the whole "Oh by the way I'm the living dead" situation. The song itself is really creepy, and it talks about a dead guy…. Edward? Could be! Any way the song is from one of my favorite movies, a shout out for anyone who knows what movie it's from! Check it out in my profile, on the playlist.**

**If anyone knows of a better song let me know…**

**I hope that everyone who's hating on Jacob can relax. See, no boyfriend drama, just like I promised. And the whole Edward telling Bella he's a vampire conversation was really hard for me to come up with, so sorry if it sucks. In the book she just guesses b/c Jacob already told her. That didn't happen in this story (obviously) so I had to make it all up. In my head I couldn't imagine Edward being able to tell her… that's why I did the whole "I'll show you" thing. I know he wouldn't have really done that, but I had to improvise! **


	19. Chapter 19

**Caliliy hearts Jacob! hehe!**

**Chapter 19:**

I didn't notice how tight my back had become until I was bent over the sink, scrubbing dishes left over from Charlie's dinner. After only a couple minutes in the strained position it began to throb in rhythm with my pulse. I grimaced, doing my best to ignore the tension. So much happened today, this morning seemed likes days, rather then hours ago.

I smiled softly remembering Jacob's hysterics over Mr. Greene manhandling his old junker of a car. My eyes drifted from the pan covered in greasy suds and glanced at the blanket sized black parka I had worn for the better part of the day, now hanging on the coat rack. I sighed relief, and some of the knots in my shoulders dispersed. I was beyond thankful that I was able to sort things out with Jacob. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life, the thought made me shutter sending drops of water and suds everywhere.

Of even greater importance my mental state had done a one-eighty in a matter eight hours. I had gone from a catatonic stage of depression to sinking even lower, forming an empty shell. A tear fell down my face at the memory, or lack there of. I could only find a couple minutes here and there from my afternoon classes, as if my mind and heart had truly been absent from my body.

An especially painful throb forced me to wince. It frightened me to think how dependant I was on Edward. He left for a month and I fell apart. I ignored my memory's all too ready images of the last week's nightmare, replacing it with Edward's dazzling face. I burned this picture into my head as I ran to him in the parking lot. Tiny flakes of snow swirling around his glowing features, framing his beauty like jewels.

My heart ached remembering our reunion, and the words he whispered to me then. I saw him at my feet and blushed. Just thinking about Edward begging _me _for anything caused me to shake my head and giggle alone in the small kitchen.

My laughs died out quickly when the hours of conversation in Edward's car repeated in my mind. After wanting to know for so long, I finally knew. I now was an accomplice in his families grandeur façade. I had trouble even thinking the word, _vampire. _It held such negative connotations. Edward couldn't tread any where near negative if he tried, undead God or not.

His whole family shunned away from the natural food chain of their kind. They considered themselves an odd form of vegetarians, only hunting and drinking the blood of animals. It never quenched their burning thirsts, but it was a price these somehow compassionate creatures agreed to pay. Even with these less then desirable rations, they kept in mind the population balance and extinction rates, careful not to take down too many of their favorites in one go.

I was so involved in this magical new world that I failed to notice the grey sky turn navy, then land on black outside of the snow covered windshield. I only turned away from Edward's face when Charlie rapped his knuckles on the window next to my head.

I eyed Edward reluctantly, there was still so many unanswered questions, too strong a desire to never leave his side. He smiled and kissed the top of my hand, I'm sure this was because Charlie was so close, then leaned in to whisper,

"Until next time, Bella. Keep my heart safe."

I grinned like a goof into the dirty water that hid my hands, and my heart thudded a little to heavily for my stationary position. I yanked the plug out and watched the bubbles bust when they reached the surface as the water drained. I peeled the cheap yellow gloves off and tossed them over the edge of the counter straightening my aching back out.

I was eager to get into a nice hot relaxing shower. That would definitely help the knotting muscles above my shoulders, I wouldn't mind the complete submersion of warmth either to be honest. I followed my feet up the familiar stair path and turned into my room to grab a pair of pajamas.

In L.A. I wouldn't have bothered, I walked from bathroom to bedroom freely in nothing but a towel. That's why I didn't think twice about doing just that my first night in Fork's. I was halfway to my open bedroom door when Charlie walked up the stairs, then gasping, almost fell back down them again in shock.

"Sorry!" He yelled, turning red. His eyes were set on the floor.

"It's ok, Cha-. I'm in a towel. I'm not naked or anything." I thought Charlie's reaction was funny and exaggerated, bikinis I owned showed more then the white towel I was covered in, but his awkwardness started making me uneasy. I blushed and walked hurriedly to my room. From that night on I always took precautions.

I walked over to the rocking chair across from my bed. A pair of ragged sweat pants and Charlie's old police academy crew neck were thrown over the back, right where I left them this morning. My lips curled up in triumphant celebration as I tossed them into the huge pile of dirty clothes loaded in my hamper. There was no more need for makeshift nightclothes anymore.

I stopped in the open doorway of my closet and knelt down shoving my arms into the mounds of clothing, shoes, accessories, and bags that piled up like the snow outside my window. After a few minutes my fingers swiped across something that crinkled under my touch. I breathed out and pulled the object out from the mess. I spun around, still on my knees and opened the thin black plastic shopping bag. I grabbed the heavy grey mass and held it to my face. _Ahhh… _The same sense of calm washed over me that Edward himself provided, my back felt better already. I was shocked that his confection like scent still clung so strongly onto the material.

I gathered it, along with the considerably smaller white wads of cloth, under my arm and headed for the bathroom.

I stalled under the powerful jets of steaming water. This was the warmest I'd been since last night's shower. The gaps of time in between warmth were growing everyday. It was becoming a chronic pain in my butt. At least now I had Jacob's nuclear-winter-worthy jacket to help.

After the stream of water started cooling down I sighed in resignation and twisted the knobs off. I patted myself dry, missing no drops that would turn to ice outside the bathrooms steamy warmth. My stomach rolled in response to the prolonged heat but I pulled out my hair dryer and got to work. I haven't been able to walk around with wet hair for a while, it made me shiver and quake even with my quilt pulled up over my head.

When I was sufficiently dry I pulled the bagging sweater over my head and yanked the long socks up my legs. Their fabric was even looser then I remembered, the two items almost met each other on my legs. Only a three inch gap bore the milky skin of my boney knees.

Despite the several fashion forward foes pious I was committing, I smiled wildly at my reflection. I looked good in these items, they felt right on me. I belonged in them, belonged with their owner. My heart fluttered at the thought and all I could do was take in another waft of his glorious scent.

I strutted down the hall and into my room, pausing to flick the light switch on. My room instantaneously filled with light and my heart burst inside my chest. Before I could scream bloody murder my chest automatically sucked in a heaving breath to prepare itself. My horrified eyes wide on the dark intruder's form, perched gracefully on my windowsill. Right when the scream for Charlie was about to escaped me a set of frozen fingers wrapped around my open mouth.

"Shhhh…. Bella, it's only me." Edward's cooing silk draped me in calm, my body eased slumping into his embrace. His face, pressed into my hair, did nothing to ease the pounding of my heart. He continued shooshing me until he was certain I wouldn't scream.

He grabbed my arms and ducked his face so it was even with mine. "Are you alright, Bella?" He looked my face up and down with concerned eyes. "I didn't mean to startle you."

My eyebrows flew up my forehead, "Hanging out in my room, uninvited with the light off?!… And you didn't think I'd get startled?!" I asked sarcastically. "That's pretty much a red flag for creepy death on a silver platter." I added a little calmer this time. His lips shot out in his sexy pout and I had to inwardly chant orders of restraint not to kiss them.

"It was my understanding women found stealth endearing…" I thought he was being serious at first, I bit down on my lip holding in a laugh. Where he picked up that tid-bit of female knowledge I couldn't imagine. Then his chuckle filled the room and I relaxed again, laughing along with him.

I rested my head on his chest but the coolness emanating from it plus the arctic wind from the window sent me into a fit of shivers. He was gone in the same second, appearing at the open window. He turned to smile at me as he shut the glass but suddenly, before he had a chance to swing it closed he stopped, frozen in place.

I saw tiny diamond flakes swirling onto the carpet through the window at his feet. His blazing eyes took me in fully for the first time tonight. He just stood staring at me, my cheeks were on fire and I turned away to avoid his gaze. My heart was racing again and I prayed that was something Edward's super hearing didn't pick up on.

I heard the _click _that meant the window closed and then Edward's arms snake around my waist from behind. He spun me around and rubbed the ice of his cheek against the fire of mine, the sensation weakened my knees and set aflame the growling desire at the pit of my stomach.

"My god, Bella, you are sinfully magnificent." his lips were in my hair, his breath every bit as jagged as my own. My head was heavy, full of white nothing and I was thankful for his firm grasp on my form. He stepped backward to take me in again, I couldn't think, I didn't even remember what had him so intrigued. I looked down and cringed inwardly. _He caught me wearing his sweater…AND his socks!_

I quickly kicked off the long white socks and tossed them aside with my feet. Maybe I could pull off the sweater, _MAYBE_, but no one could make baggy white tube socks look sexy. His eyes never left my body and could feel the death of embarrassment about to pull me under.

"What? Are you a knee man, Edward?", was my lame attempt at easing the tension. I forced a smile for half a second but my mortification won over and it fell. I marched over to the sweatpants I had shoved in my hamper and reached down to pull them on, but he took my hands in his and shook the pants out of my hold.

"Forgive me for staring. I've never seen anything as glorious in my entire existence… and that's saying quite allot." he breathed the words onto my face, into my open lips, my head spun. "Seeing you in my sweater, Bella,…it started my unbeating heart."

He kissed me harder then he ever had then. Crushing my lower body into him with his arm, forcing my face against his with his other. I didn't even notice we were moving until I felt the wall on my back, and we squished impossibly closer still. He broke away and gasped for air as I did the same.

"I'm sorry, Bella. That was horribly forward and inappropriate." he panted.

"Huh..? Wa…oh, it's ok. I don't mind." My eyes were still closed as I focused on consciousness. His sweet breath lingering on my lips threatened to pull me under. He laughed and grabbed the hand I had clutching the flesh over my heart. I allowed myself to be tugged across the room and onto my bed. I lay there still out of breath while he flew off and returned in the same second.

Edward grabbed my sprawled ankle and lifted it gently into the air, then pulled his white sock all the way back up my leg, and repeated the action with my other. The skin where his fingers grazed my calve burned. I shuffled over all the way to one end of the mattress to make room, he smiled.

"Are you certain, Bella?" he asked with an even tone.

"Edward, I've never been more certain of anything. "

**AN - Once again, I didn't think I was going to have to break this chapter up…. But I did! It's not a cliffy, but the scene isn't over (wink, wink!) - hey! Get your mind out of the gutter! LOL!**

**OME! I'm obsessed with ****The Host**** right now! Fully blame that book on the lack of update-age yesterday! I'm not finished, I'm where Melanie gets back from her first raid… and I just want to say that I **_**love, love, LOVE**_** Ian! I want Jared to back off… Am I crazy, or is Ian totally more worthy?!**

**The song that best fits this lust fest is ****Bones****, by The Killers. Totally expresses Bella's eagerness to do the dead… not that it came up on this chapter…. But w/e!**

**What do you guys think? It's kind of an in between chapter… **

**RESPOND!!**


	20. Chapter 20

**You all have some pretty dirty minds... that's all I'm saying! hehe!!**

**Chapter 20: **

I shuffled over all the way to one end of the mattress to make room, he smiled.

"Are you certain, Bella?" he asked with an even tone.

"Edward, I've never been more certain of anything. "

His golden eyes sparkled in the moon's reflection while he shifted his weight onto the bed beside me. I lay motionless, heart racing out of control. Despite the weeks Jacob and I spent together on this very bed with his arms around me as I slept, this all seemed terribly new and intimate. Nerve endings were on full alert, searching for any slight movement from the body next to mine.

Edward draped my thick quilt over me, then tucked it in under my form. Once I was securely contained he moved in close, his body shaping around the curve of my back. One arm lightly hung over my waist, the other messed in my hair, twirling the strands around his precious fingers.

"Sleep, Bella." His breath tickled the back of my neck and my body reacted by shaking in delight. The lush lips that were now being pressed into the base of my skull smiled into my skin.

"Sleep." he whispered softly. It was my turn to smile.

"Oh sure, like I can sleep _now." _I squirmed and pushed until I broke free of the quilt's restraints and turned over so I could look up at Edward's face. When I stopped moving he readjusted the quilt, same as before, the only exceptions were his strong arms reimbursing the confinement. I rested my head on his hard chest listening for something I knew wasn't there.

"Edward, can I ask you a question?" , my voice was soft, I wasn't sure if I really wanted him to hear me. My stomach twisted as I contemplated how to word my inquisition without raising any flags. His chest rumbled with deep laughter. It sounded like heaven.

"And what, Bella, would you call the two and a half hours in my car this afternoon?" , he chuckled even as he asked the question. I bit my lip, there was still time to throw another question at him, one that wouldn't raise any eyebrows. I sucked in a deep breath,

"Remember when you explained your, …um, _special _diet?"

"Quite well." He continued working with my hair absentmindedly.

"Well… I was wondering…"

"What is it, Bella?" his voice remained smooth and unperturbed so I continued.

"Is it hard?" His nimble fingers continued their work but his eyes moved onto mine.

"Yes, it can become quite tedious. No excitement comes from herding your prey while your instincts are screaming for you to hunt." My brows squeezed together in concentration. I needed to be more specific.

"No, that's not what I meant. I was wondering if it's hard always restricting yourself, … restricting your hunger?" I paused for half of a minute. "You're never truly satisfied are you?" I darted my eyes away from his, but not quick enough to miss his face tighten in confusion.

His voice was wary when he spoke. "No, I'm not. We get what our body requires from the animals, but the thirst remains." I counted the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, one, two, three, four. "I like to think the price is well worth it. Saving countless souls, it seems a fair trade. What is a little burning throat ache when the benefit is a life?" He smiled, his eyes beaming as he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek.

My heart throbbed in glee, Edward, my everything, who was so close in so many ways could understand. _Did _understand. He knew all to well the glories of self constraint. Skipping meals, skipping human blood, what is so different? A couple bricks from an unknown permanent wall started to crumble.

"Do you…, well, I mean…… do you get any …. pleasure out of it? Besides from saving lives, do you, personally feel… I don't know….stronger when you turn down what you really crave?"

Edward moved under me at my question and my heart puttered. His hand was on my torched neck, hair still twisted in his fingers. "I'm not entirely sure I understand, Bella." I looked up at his eyes, they were still gold, but almost more solid, set in his strained face.

"Does it feel…, well do you almost feel… stronger?" His face was flooded in uncertainty, I tried to explain better.

"When your throat is especially dry, and all you can think about is how good human blood would feel, but you ignore the pain, you push it away…. Does that make you feel the tiniest bit…. empowered? Like if you can overcome the thirst you can do anything?"

My breaths were deep and heavy at this point, had I gone too far?

To my great surprise Edward laughed. "Relief is a better word, I think." My face was still tense, his reaction wasn't what I had been expecting.

"Relief?"

"Yes. Your blood, Bella, has the most potent and irresistible scent that I've ever experienced. More so then any other. It took every bit of concentration and will power to leave you unharmed those first few days."

I thought back to my first days at Forks High School, they seemed like lifetimes ago. Could it really have been only months? My memories were slightly foggy brought on by the passing of time. One picture that remained sharp was that of the first time I laid eyes on Edward. He sat with his beautiful family, alone and isolated. He was so appealing, so much of a mystery then, but was he any less of mystery now, lying in my arms?

I smiled remembering my initial judgment of Edward, a French Vogue model that had taken a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in this dreary town. He was just as glorious as that day so long ago. He still made my heart race.

Then I remembered a question that had been nestled in the soft recesses of my brain for almost as long. "That's why you hated me? You couldn't stand my the smell of my blood?" Edward's arms tightened around my body, mirroring the tightening in his hard eyes.

"I've never _hated _you, Bella! How could you think such a thing?!", he sneered.

"The way you looked at me. You looked like you wanted to kill me." I laughed at the pun. Edward didn't find my joke as amusing, he growled quietly, but the distaste was clear.

"I was confused,…and frightened. I didn't want to make a mistake, not with you." He rolled his head into my hair and inhaled.

"So you left." I breathed remembering his sudden unexplained disappearance. Edward's explanation was connecting every question, every doubt into a straight line of understanding. "But when you came back, you didn't have a problem. You sat next to me in class all those days, you started being nice."

He sighed and twisted his hand in my hair again. "Yes, I did come back, Bella, but my problem is anything but gone. Your blood was still temping me, as it still does."

My heart jumped up my throat and my wide eyes filled with fear. "What?!" I yanked the quilt over my neck, up onto my face revealing nothing but my eyes. I knew the mere cover of material would be insignificant in diluting my scent but I had to try to help. The hasty movement knocked Edward's hand away from my hair. My heart sunk when his eyes melted in pain and he frowned inching away.

"Edward! How can you just sit here and torture yourself like this!?" My voice was muffled under the quilt but my terror was unmistakable. "I'm not worth that!"

His eyes were hard again, fierce even. His lips whitened in a tight line of stress and his lanky fingers ripped the quilt away from my face. His intensity caught me of guard and I yelped. One icy hand cradled my cheek as the other lifted my neck off the bed up to his face. He pressed his lips and nose to where my veins pumped it's pulse heaviest under the thin skin and inhaled.

"There is nothing in this universe that parallels your worthiness Isabella Swan. Never think otherwise, and that's an order." His words made my shake under the warmth of the quilt, cursing it's barrier between our bodies.

He placed my head back down on the pillow without removing his lips from my neck. "I hope you can overlook my weaknesses. Blood lust is a sorry excuse for putting you in danger or making you doubt your utter radiance." It was hard to concentrate with his lips vibrating on my sensitive flesh, but they weren't making sense anyway.

"What are you talking about?" My question was nothing more then jagged whimpers as his lips begged for forgiveness in a way that I couldn't resist.

"I've never forgiven myself for abandoning you at that house party. I, I just couldn't risk hurting you. I was so close when we were dancing. Too close. Pardon the cliché, but I desperately needed some fresh air." Throughout his explanation he clutched me tighter to his chest, almost as if he thought I would try to leave him. The regret in his voice cut right through me, I nestled my head atop his soft hair reassuringly.

My mind faded back to that night and the terrible insecurity that possessed me after Edward disappeared from the dance floor. I clung back on to him every bit as tight, I couldn't feel rejected like that again, I wasn't strong enough.

"As soon as I realized how foolish I was being I searched for you. I couldn't find you anywhere. Nobody knew where you were, not even your _escort."_ He choked out the word, still too upset to use Jacob's actual name. "I couldn't catch your scent, there were too many people, their scents threw me off. I had Emmett and Alice after you as well, but they had no luck either. I thought you'd left, I was getting into my car to check at your house when Mike Newton walked by. He was worrying about you, he'd seen you pass put and hit your head on a counter. Then he remembered you running away from him. He got upset and went back to the party, but he couldn't stop wondering if you were going to be all right to get home, when he went to find you he saw you heading into the woods.

I was so scared, Bella." He nuzzled his face deeper into the crevice of my neck. "Anything could have happened to you,… it would have been my fault. I should have never left."

"But you came back." I whispered, his sadness was twice as hard to bear as my own. "That's what matters." I stroked his hair, showing him it was ok, there was nothing to forgive.

"You were so small…. so fragile looking. I thought… I was so worried." He grabbed my arms on either side, and in one swift movement he was on top of me balancing out his weight so I wouldn't be uncomfortable. His eyes were stabbing into mine blazing molten gold, my breath hitched in a combination of surprise and sudden lust.

Edward's face was so close his nose rubbed the side of mine, eyes still locked on me. "I will never leave you again Isabella, you have my word." He attacked my lips leaving me utterly defenseless in my bundle of blanket. I couldn't move anything besides my arms which were desperately pulling his face closer. At that moment, when Edward's and my body were closest, a realization surged through my head and out through my soul. It ran through my veins and I knew. There was no escape, I was madly in love with Edward Cullen.

When he broke free I had to gulp mouthfuls of oxygen for an eternity before I could manage words. I was frightened, I didn't know if he felt the same way. I was even embarrassed, but was there a point in not telling him? I needed to release this bubble of pressure swelling inside me. My heart pounded in my chest and light sweat broke on my forehead. I could hear a pounding in my ears and knew I had to do something quickly before I blacked out.

I held his cold firm cheeks in my hands and shoved my face into the material covering his chest. Maybe he wouldn't understand me this way. "I love you." I whispered as quietly as was physically possible.

He heard.

His body tensed and was motionless. I readied myself for his perfect laughter, or a stern wary look. He lifted my face free from his sweater and his eyes were wide. All of a sudden I was terrified, could your heart actually explode? I was dizzy with nerves and my throat tightened. I might as well get all the dirty laundry out now, while I was about to be humiliated anyway.

"I've loved you since that first night we danced. You're what I dream about every night, Edward. When you're gone I'm an empty shell, I'm not whole without you." I wanted to look away from his burning gaze but it was impossible, he was hypnotizing me.

He moved his face closer, lips grazing my ear, and whispered, "You, Bella, are my sweetest downfall." he kissed my ear, making me shiver then added, "I loved you first."

**AN - Consensus?...**

**Yeah.. they aren't going to have sex people... sheesh! LOL! (this IS rated T!)**

**What do you think? She was relating edward's lifestyle to her own, almost justifying it in her own mind.**

**Go to my profile, and click on the link for the playlist to listen to this chapter's songs; Recycled Air, by the Postal Service - perfect for their under-the-covers make out session, and Samson, by Regina Spektor, basically the insperation for this last sceane. **

**You all got to (finally, tehe) find out Edward's side of the house party! Yay!**

**Let me know... **

**REVIEW!!**

**oh - i finished The Host!! Holy unspeakable lyrics!! It was awesome!! I want to marry Ian and hire Edward as my pool boy! (zeebra striped speedo as a uniform! Nah, JK!)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: **

I woke up the next morning to the cold winter's air on my face sending a shiver down my spine. I was still tired so I moved to cover the offending area using my quilt with unopened eyes. Before I could manage it my hand knocked into something hard and the bed started to vibrate. My unprepared heart leapt up into my chest as my eyes flew open.

Edward was laying next to laughing quietly. My heart fluttered, yet calmed at the same time.

"Good morning, beautiful." He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"Did I just… punch you… in the face?" I groaned in mortification. I really needed to be more graceful, the first night Edward spends with me and I greet him in the morning with a stiff one to the nose!

"I didn't feel a thing.", he purred softly into my ear. His voice moved through my body and I wrapped my sleepy arms around him. Before I went any farther a dangerous thought popped into my head stopping me dead in my tracks.

"Charlie?" I asked Edward knowing he would be able to listen for his thoughts. He smiled at me reassuringly.

"He left three hours ago, sleepy head." He brushed my mussed hair away from my sleepy disoriented eyes.

"What? He left three hours ago?!" I whipped my head around in disbelief. Charlie left at six o'clock every Saturday to fish with Jacob's father, usually I was up by seven thirty, eight at the latest. When my eyes reached the alarm clock I saw Edward was right, it was nine o'clock. I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept this late.

"Ughh! I can't believe I woke up so late. I'm going to go use the ba-… umm, I'm going to need a human moment." My cheeks rushed in crimson. Edward swept his thumbs over them and kissed my mouth softly.

"I'll wait downstairs." he got up, pulling me gently with him. We held hands as we made our way into the hall. Right in front of the stairs Edward turned and peered down at me.

"Bella, how would you feel about spending the day with my family?" My head practically snapped off with the speed as I swerved it around, but as I looked up at Edward's eager face I knew I couldn't deny him this. He was always hanging out with his brothers and sisters, they must be close. I swallowed the nervous tension crawling up my throat and tried to smile.

"Ok, sure Edward. Sounds like fun." My voice came out cracked and weak, I was terrible at lying. His decadent lips turned up and he chuckled.

"Don't get too excited love, you might injure yourself." All I could do was stand there looking at his beauty. I was too consumed in the possible nightmares of today's outcome. I shook realizing why every stand up comedian in the country had a set about _meeting the parents_. What if they hated me? What if they saw how boring I was, how unworthy I was of their son?

Edward wrapped me in a gentle hug, "Don't worry, silly. They will love you. My mother has been dying to meet you." I shook again and shuffled off silently to the bathroom.

I decided to take another quick shower, I wanted to look perfect for the Cullen family, as I knew they would look. My hair grew large and wild during our night of kissing. I blew it out and let it fall naturally creating an extra barrier of protection from the cold. I threw on a pair of presentable jeans, however baggy they had become, and a plum v-neck sweater that used to be fitted. Underneath these top layers were my invisible warmth gear. I wore two tank tops and a long sleeve shirt that all tucked into a pair of thick cotton tights. I pulled on two pairs of socks over the tights, then my old snow boots.

When I got to the kitchen Edward was sitting at the table like a catalog model reading Charlie's left over newspaper. I strolled over and grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter and sat in his lap.

"Anything interesting?" I asked glancing at the page.

"Not particularly. Especially not compared to you." He kissed my cheek and set the paper down. "Would you like anything more then that?", he asked looking at the half eaten apple in my hand, "I'm not much of a cook, but my ordering skills are untouchable." He beamed while I squirmed inwardly. I didn't like lying to Edward, it was harder then the others.

"Um… yeah. I'll get it." I hopped up off his lap and grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and a spoon. I walked right passed where Edward sat and chose the farthest seat, all the way across the table.

"What kind of things are your family interested in? Does your father watch football?" I had no idea what middle aged men found entertaining, I was using Charlie as my only reference.

I played with yogurt aimlessly licking only the smallest parts of the spoon here and there, putting on my usual show for Edward. "Carlisle is a Doctor. He spends most of his time at the hospital or in his study researching. He's quite brilliant, I admire him and tremendously." He smiled down into the paper, and I spooned some yogurt into my napkin.

"So much for Charlie's new best friend." I giggled shakily, causing Edward to finally look up. Too late, more then half the container was hidden in the soggy wad resting in my hand. His eyes were questioning which made me nervous. I broke his stare by standing up and throwing the refuse out.

"Let's go." I walked out into the hall, pausing at the coat rack. I pulled Jacob's black parka down off the hook and tugged it onto my arms, Edward glowered.

"Have you lost your coat?" His bottom lip stuck out pouting like a toddler. "You can borrow mine if you want. If not there are dozens of shops we can run to in no time at all." I smiled and rubbed his cheek in my hand.

"I like this coat, it's really warm. Please don't read into it." I reached up and kissed the protruding bottom lip gently, then took his hand and headed toward the car.

My breaths were getting short as we drove up the road leading to the Cullen house. The apple in my stomach twisted and knotted violently, Edward saw the worry that was obvious in my eyes and took my hand.

"Bella, don't be scared. I'll be there right next to you the whole time.", and even when I thought he could say nothing to relax my frazzled nerves I felt my heart slow. Edward would be with me no matter what, that was an encouraging thought.

My jaw hung open as he pulled up to the house. It was the most stunning property I'd ever seen. The mansion itself was huge, but classic looking. It lay on a large amount of land surrounded by forest and a stream flew through the back yard. I was still gaping from the stun of it's beauty when Edward pulled me through the front door.

The inside was nothing, if not equally as spectacular. The entire first floor flowed freely into itself, there were no walls segmenting it into rooms, and the back wall was completely glass. I'd never see anything like it.

"Carlisle.", Edward said. I pulled my eyes away from the window-wall and saw the couches in front of it were full of people, _vampires. _

A tall man with golden blond hair stood up smiling fully. He reached his hand out to me and I took it into a gentle hand shake that left my fingers cold. "Hello, Bella. It's nice to meet you." I blushed remembering this man had already met me... _and_ pumped my stomach. He seemed much too young to be doctor, thirty was pushing it.

"Nice to meet you too, Mr. Cullen." The entire room filled with laughter and I wanted to fall into the floor with embarrassment. Edward's grip tightened letting me know he was still there and I absentmindedly moved closer to him. Carlisle beamed down at me.

"Dear, you don't have to call me Mr. Cullen, Carlisle will suffice. Mr. makes me feel old."

"Yeah, because three hundred and whatever years isn't old enough to be called Mr.!" Barked the huge burly boy taking up half the couch. He smiled and walked over, standing next to Carlisle.

"I'm Emmett," he slapped my back causing me to ram into Edward, who glowered at his large brother.

"Oops, sorry." He straightened me out roughly, making me feel like a rag doll. As soon as his hands left me another smaller pair embraced me in a gentle hug.

"It's delightful to meet you at last, honey." A soft looking woman with gentle topaz eyes kissed my cheek. "My name is Esme." Her manner was calming and full of love, I couldn't help the smile that spread over my face.

"Thank you, Esme." I saw movement in the corner of my eye. The remaining Cullen children had walked over to our small group. A small, fairy like girl with black hair cut short into a modern looking style and trendy clothes was practically bouncing up and down. She might have hit the ceiling if the last Cullen boy wasn't securing her down with two hands on her shoulders. She was grinning at me energetically, and I was too slow to react when she came running at me with laughter that filled the room with music.

She jumped up on me and hugged tight. "Oh I'm so excited to meet you! Just think about it Bella, permanent shopping partners! Sleepovers! The works!" I groaned in my head, I didn't like the direction this was going, but her enthusiasm soothed the upset thoughts and I smiled.

She was still clinging on to me, laughing and going on about her outfit-rating-scale when Edward peeled her off of me. "Let her breath, Alice." She stuck her tiny tongue out at him, then turned back to me. "Oh, I'm Alice by the way!" She laughed again and I joined in.

She pulled the last Cullen boy over and said, "This is Jasper." He smiled soothingly and shook my hand.

"I hope Alice didn't scare you." His voice was deep and held the shadow of a southern accent. His curly hair was bright blond and he was muscular I noticed for the first time. Standing next to his giant of a brother must undermine his physic. But despite his smile and casual demeanor his eyes were sad.

I smiled half at Jasper, and half at the random thought in my head. _I guess I can't blame Angela for thinking he's cute. _

Edward cleared his throat loudly at a gorgous girl who sat on an arm of the couch. Her one arm was crossed tightly across her chest and she looked down at the red shiny nails of her other, wiggling her fingers like she was bored with the entire exchange.

"Aww, Come on, Rosie." Emmett boomed from where he stood, she glared up at him with venom in her eyes.

"Rosalie, do not be rude." Carlisle called gently, but his face was tight. She sighed heavily rolling her large eyes and glided over to me. Her beauty was like nothing else I'd ever seen. She had long flowing blond hair, delicate features, and long legs. "I'm Rosalie" She said evenly meeting my eyes for only half a second. I frowned and felt extremely inferior.

"It's nice to meet you, Rosalie." I called but she was already halfway up the winding staircase leading to the second story.

"She's not always that bad, Bella." Emmett smiled. I halfheartedly returned it, what had I done to offend her so badly?

"Speak for yourself.", Edward sneered. "Come on, Bella. I'll take you on a tour." He pulled me up the stairs and into what seemed like a mile long hallway peppered with large wooden doors. He stopped in front of every one to tell me what was inside before showing me. I found Carlisle's study to be one of the more fascinating rooms. It was full of ancient artifacts and first edition classical books that left me speechless, which made Edward smile.

He stopped in front of the last remaining door. "This is my room."

It was stupid, I'd just spent the previous night sleeping next to Edward, but knowing I was about to walk into his room made me blush and butterflies attack my insides.

He pulled the door open to reveal a large golden room lined with shelves of CD's, records, and books. One wall was dedicated to a ridiculously large stereo, another a huge black leather couch. The carpet under my feet was lush and comfortable. Everything about this room reminded of Edward.

He closed the door and stuck a disk into the stereo before pulling me onto the squishy couch next to him. "So, what do you think?" He looked at his fingers tangling in my hair.

"Your house is beautiful, Edward." I rested my head on his chest, suddenly tired. My nerves wore me out.

"About my family, Bella." he laughed.

"Oh, They're amazing, Edward, really. They all seem wonderful." I left out any side comments about Rosalie, but Edward took care of that for me.

"Yes, they are. Rosalie, however, needs a reality check." I heard a loud growl from somewhere in the house and shuddered. Edward laughed and hugged me closer.

We sat like that for the length of the CD, I might have even fallen asleep at one point. When the disk ended Edward pulled me into a standing position and led me back down the stairs to the main floor. Emmett, Jasper, and Alice all sat watching something on the flat screen. They looked up at us and Jasper flicked the television off smiling.

"Finally, something entertaining." Edward glowered at him in a teasing way. It was nice to see Edward like this, playing around with his family. It made me feel even closer to him.

Emmett stood up, and with considerable less force patted me on the back. "Jasper and I wanted to thank you, Bella.", he proclaimed loudly with a twisted grin. I crinkled my forehead in confusion.

"For what, Emmett?" I glanced over at Jasper who looked like he was using all his power to hold in a burst of laughter.

"Because until you came along, Bella, we thought old Eddie here was gay." My mouth popped open in shock and Edward growled so fiercely I had to cover my ears. Emmett and Jasper were both doubled over in raging laughter. A second later Edward chased a still howling Emmett out of the back door into the yard, Jasper on their tails.

"Boys." Alice exclaimed exasperatedly rolling her eyes. "They never grow up, even if they live to be five hundred years old."

**AN - Enter... the Cullen family..!**

**What do you guys think? i know I lightened Jasper up a bit, but I love him, and couldn't stand for him to be sad ALL the time. **

**What do you think about the rest of the family? i love emmett, he always makes me laugh, so I wanted that to come through here. **

**I couldn't think of a song for this chapter, but the song, Our Lips Are Sealed, kind of ties this chapter to next chapter, so i'll post that so you all can listen to it on my profile. It's about how bella, and the cullen family now share this secret, and the high school kids are all like "WHAT"S GOING ON?!"**

**BE RESPONSIBLE - RESPOND!! haha!**


	22. Chapter 22

**AN - I just want to let you guys know today was my first day of school (Boo!) but I still stayed yup untill 2 am to write this for ya'all! I had to get up at six to proof read it and now I'm walking around like a zombie! **

**Chapter 22:**

Meeting Edward's family was the exact opposite of what I'd expected. His parents were kind and welcoming. Hanging out with his brothers and sisters felt more like relaxing with a group of life long friends… with the exception of Rosalie, who never so much as looked in my general direction. Alice was quickly becoming one of my closest companions. A very energetic, fashion obsessed, calling you at all hours of the night kind of companion. Jasper was always right there next to her keeping her from bouncing into outer space. He was more quiet then the rest, but when he spoke it was always insightful. I placed Emmett in a category of his own. His personality and sense of humor matched perfectly with his outward appearance; _big_. He poked jokes at everyone, but made fun of himself along with the rest and had a genuinely gentle heart.

I could see in Edward's eyes how much my companionship with his family meant, and I was more then happy to comply. We even started hanging out at school, something he had never allowed before. Edward, Alice, and Jasper joined me at the end of my lunch table. I'm sure Emmett would have as well, but he decided to keep a fuming Rosalie company at their usual table across the cafeteria.

We all sat there, huddled together at end of the popular table with Angela, Ben, and sometimes even Mike squeezing into the bunch. The first day we sat together the entire cafeteria was hushed, watching us with open mouths. Eventually the obvious gaping died down and everyone returned to their normal behavior, but the rumors only grew as time progressed. I tried to block out all the stories and negative things that were being said. I found turning a deaf ear to the student population was easier then I'd expected. I was too happy with my fingers interlocked in Edward's to care about such trivial matters.

When the lunch bell rang the following Friday everyone took their usual seats while a comfortable banter flowed through our group. Ben and Edward were debating the pro's and con's of some new elite engine on the market, while Angela read and commented on Alice's three page Christmas list. So far Angela was making a far better fashion buddy then I was, but Alice kept on insisting I join their constant discussions about such dier topics as designer skin care products.

Not being a center part to either conversation I decided to merely rest my head on Edward's shoulder relaxing to the smoothness in his deep voice as I played absentmindedly with his freezing pinky finger sprawled on the table in front of me. It only took a couple minutes for my eyelids to droop shut and my breathing to become rhythmic and deep.

Some time later I was woken by a cold hand on my cheek. "Bella, are you feeling alright?" Edward's face was full of concern and worry.

"Yeah, I just…", I didn't know what to say. I couldn't lie and tell him I'd slept poorly the previous night. Edward had been spending every night with me, he knew I'd slept perfectly.

"I don't know… I guess shop talk just bores me." I smiled brightly up at him and he relaxed laughing, and kissed my cheek.

"Aren't you hungry Bella?" Angela asked and I darted my eyes at her. I was beginning to become annoyed with Angela's constant surveillance. She always asked me why I wasn't eating, or brining me things from the lunch line. This particular moment had me fuming. Edward heard her question and his lips turned down.

"I'm just not that hungry right now. I had a bag of chips during my locker break." The lie slipped out easily as if I'd been prepared for her word's. Neither Angela, or Edward shared the same break with me, I was in the clear.

Angela frowned but returned her attention back to Alice. I let out a breath of relief and slumped back into Edward's arm.

"I think you should eat something anyway, love." I looked up at him, he was still pouting.

"No thanks, I feel kind of full from before." I rubbed my empty stomach for reinforcement. It did nothing to dissuade him, he leaned in closer and with piercing eyes.

I shivered when I felt his cold mouth graze my neck and land by my ear. "For me, Love?" My stpomach flip-flopped and it had nothing to do with my hunger. I sighed heavily giving him an exaggerated exasperated glare. He smiled and pushed his loaded try in front of my face. I tried not to look too disgusted by the greasy food's close proximity as I ignored it and reached across the table to grab a banana off Jasper's tray.

Jasper watched me steal his prop with a raised eyebrow. I wiggled the fruit condescendingly in front of Edward's face then began to nibble nothingness from it's tip. Before he could say anything a shriek so load pierced my eardrums that I jumped out of chair. Edward caught me, and by the ruffled look of Angela and the smile on Ben's face I knew she had a similar reaction.

"Alice! What the hell?" I panted grabbing my chest. Edward wiped a terrified hand over my face checking for any signs of damage before he glowered at his sister. My heart was still pounding as her eyes practically bugged out of her head. She was bouncing up and down in her chair with a huge grin on her tiny face. She grabbed the entire tables attention with her boisterous behavior. Jasper was even taken aback, his face was cautious as he pushed her back into the chair.

"Calm down, Sweetie. Remember what happened last year? We don't want a repeat of the Bergdorf incident.", his voice was serious and calming, but it had little effect on Alice's elated state.

"Ooh…! Bella, I just had the best idea!" I groaned and slumped into my seat. Good ideas from Alice were more often then not torture sessions of trying clothes on in her mall-like closet.

"I'm going to throw a Christmas party! We can have it right after finals, before break! Oh, this is going to be perfect!" I calmed down a little, a party sounded harmless. No clothes to try on, or shopping to be had. Plus, it would be nice to blow off a little steam after finals. I knew my stress levels were going to be soaring. My grades had plummeted in the weeks of Edward's absence. I was averaging low C's in almost every class and trying desperately to keep this information hidden from Charlie and Edward alike.

If Charlie found out he would ground me. That would mean no couple time during our first break from school. If Edward found out he would blame himself, which I physically couldn't stand.

The whole table was now chatting excitedly about this new looming social event.

"What do you think, Bella? Will you help plan with me?!" I looked at Edward for help but he was laughing into his folded hands. I sighed in resignation.

"Sure, sure."

We spent the rest of the hour going over dates, music, decorations, and guest lists. Alice had drawn up a list of supplies so fast I knew this couldn't have been her first large scale get together. The end-of-lunch bell rang and I stood to throw the now empty banana peel away rubbing my stomach. It was uncomfortably full, I couldn't remember the last time I ate such a large amount of food in one sitting.

Alice grabbed my arm before I could get far. "Bella, this is an emergency we need to go shopping!" I looked at her like she was crazy, which I hadn't completely ruled out yet. Only Alice could say that sentence and truly believe it was an emergency.

"We have to get party outfits! There's only two weeks until break and if we don't act immediately we'll be stuck wearing tacky polyester fashion leftovers!" She cringed like she was being burned alive.

Jasper quickly wrapped his large arms around her quaking form, rocking her back and forth soothingly, chanting "It's ok, Baby. Nobody's going to stick you in synthetic fibers. Shhh…. It's going to be ok."

The pain in her dark eyes was too real to ignore. My shoulders slumped and I mumbled, "Fine, Alice. We can go shopping." Edward was looking at his sister with a disturbed look that made me laugh. Maybe I wasn't the only one that questioned Alice Cullen's sanity.

"Yes!" The little ball of crazy popped out of Jasper's alarmed arms and hugged me. "This will be so much fun! You won't regret this, Bella! We'll find you something amazing!" I smiled down at her despit my deteriorating mood, her joy was contagious.

"How about tomorrow? You aren't doing anything right?", she was certainly cunning for her petite appearance. I was supposed to watch Edward, Jasper, and Emmett play baseball tomorrow, but something told me if Alice wanted to shop all other plans were on stand by.

"Tomorrow is fine."

"Oh, I'm so excited!" She turned her head in Angela's direction, "You'll come too, right?"

"You don't have to pull _my_ leg to get me shopping.", she laughed, her adoring gaze falling on Jasper.

Ben noticed and quickly turned red. "Alice, do you need a little muscle tomorrow? You know, to carry your bags and stuff." He was glaring at Jasper's unaware face the entire time.

"Sure, this is going to be excellent!"

--

Edward and I stood outside my front door early Saturday morning waiting for Jasper and Alice to pick us up. The sun was still hiding behind the horizon line blanketing the snow covered street in night's darkness. Charlie hadn't even left to go fishing yet. I wasn't used to getting up this early and was struggling to keep my eyes open. Edward held my waist firmly as I began to fall back asleep in his arms. After my knees gave out he scooped me up and nestled his face into my hair humming tune that had me unconscious in seconds.

I was abruptly woken by the ridiculously loud groaning of an engine and blinding lights bleeding into the pre-dawn's blackness. My unadjusted eyes seared in pain from the sudden brightness. I snapped them closed moaning as Edward quickly covered my entire face with his hand.

The engine's racket grew louder and louder as it approached. I looked around nervously at the neighboring houses to see if anyone had been rudely woken so early. Edward positioned me back on my feet and laughed at the deafening noise.

"Ah. They've decided to use Jasper's car." My sleepy eyes widened as they began to make out the gigantic metal machine plowing down my street. It was boxy, khaki and scary, looking like it could have easily take down and eaten Edward's silver Volvo for dessert. It's wheels alone rose up to my chest with large indentations indicating it's ability to be controlled in every climate. It reminded me more of a tank then a car.

Edward helped me up into the back seat behind Alice, then stylishly hopped the four and a half feet into the seat next to me. Jasper sat relaxed in the driver's seat, his head resting on the window.

"Hey, Edward. Bella, Aren't you excited?!" Alice chimed from the front.

It should be illegal to be that hyper so early.

Jasper looked at her lovingly then turned to me waiting for my response but I still hadn't processed the monster of an automobile I was sitting in.

"Jasper, what _is_ this thing?!" I demanded. He laughed then pat the dashboard gently.

"This, Bella, is my car." His fingers caressed the stearing wheel in admiration. "It's a military issue Hummer JLTV. This baby is capable of full range of military operations, and Program Executive Officer Combat Support & Combat Service Support. It's the highest rated current model in the entire world." He spoke as if he described his first born child whom just accomplished an award winning achievement.

"We're going to need the extra storage space for our new clothes!." Alice explained happily. She turned back around. "Angela and Ben are meeting us in Port Angeles, Jasper. Let's go!"

He smiled at her extatic face and revved the engine back to life. My body shook aggressively along with the machine and we were on our way.

--

When we got to the shopping center Angela and Ben were waiting just inside the main door. Angela was wearing more makeup then usual, and her hair was curled into perfect ringlets. She was wearing a dress that was a little too nice for the mall and a pair of two inch heals. I looked at her in confusion but my uncertainty cleared up as soon as I traced her love-struck eyes back to Jasper, I swallowed back my laughter.

Ben seemed to be the only other person to notice this exchange. He wasn't laughing by any means, his face was red and twisted in fury.

"Where to first?" He growled trying to disrupt Angela's focus. Alice whipped out a piece of paper covered in her fancy handwriting.

"I made a list. Every store worth shopping in, listed in order by location, then quality."

"You're a thorough little thing aren't you?" Ben asked in obvious awe. Alice beamed at him and took Jasper's hand pulling him to our first stop of the day. Angela pouted and Ben rolled his eyes, grabbing her arm and tugging her in the exact manner Alice just used.

When I started feeling feint from the amount of shopping we had done, Alice dragged Angela and I into yet another store by our hands like she was our mother. The boys were all occupied attempting to juggle loads of shopping overflowing from their arms.

I looked around to see what store we were in now, but all I could see were small swashes of material hanging from the racks.

"Alice! What do we need _bikinis_ for at a _Christmas_ party?!" I whined. At the word bikini all three boys stopped their struggling and peered through the bags.

"We don't, but we might as well take a look.", she argued. "All the best bikinis go on sale in the winter because of off season." Angela had already drifted away from our discussion and started looking through the different styles.

My stomach knotted, I didn't feel like showing my flab off to everyone, especially not Edward. My tone was firm, "No, Alice. I have enough swimsuits." Her face scrunched up in hurt.

"Oh come on, Bella! I want to find you something that will shock Edward back into life! PLEASE!"

"No, I don't feel comfortable walking around this store in a bikini."

"You don't have to, I swear! I'll bring them right to your locked dressing room door, you can choose from the ones I give you!"

I couldn't find any problems with her new suggestion so I grudgingly made my way over to the dressing room. I waited for her tiny hand to pop over the wooden door with the first batch of choices before I yanked my layers off. The first swimsuit I tried was black and simple. Straight clean lines with a flash of a golden square branded with the name Dior in the center of the chest.

The black played off my pale skin in a pleasant way, and it wasn't over the top. I liked everything about it except the material hanging loosely in the back and on my chest. I tried the others on, and they all sagged on me as well.

I walked out to the main lobby with the black suit in hand. Alice skipped over to me and beamed.

"I knew you were going to chose that one! it's beautiful isn't it?!" I giggled at her self praise and nodded.

"You were right, Alice. I love it. It's too big though.", her smile didn't waver as she grabbed the black material from my hand sped off. When she returned she handed me the smaller bathing suit.

"That's odd." she said thoughtfully.

"What is?"

"That was the first time I've ever been wrong about someone's size. I could have sworn you were a two." My heart sped up a little, when had I become a zero? I smiled inwardly at this latest acomplishment.

Angela broke off our discussion as she walked out from the dressing room clad in a metallic gold string bikini. My mouth hung agape in shock. _What is she doing!,_ my head practically screamed. Alice, however was unperturbed.

"Ohh.. That's lovely, Angela! You should get that one." Angela walked right passed us with a determined look on her face. I turned my red stained face and watched her walk right up to Edward, Jasper, and Ben. Edward, and Jasper stared at her in mild curiosity, while Ben heaved in and out through his wide open mouth.

Angela's voice was thick when she spoke, "I'm not sure… it feels a little small... Jasper, what do you think?"

My mouth flew open. Angela _never_ behaved like this before, the extended exposure to Jasper must have gotten to her. She moved so close to him I thought she was going to press right up against his slightly raised and extended hands, creating a barrier between them.

"Uhh.. I don't know, Angela."

Poor, Jasper.

His eyes were scared as they darted between Angela and Alice. Alice didn't seem to mind her newfound competition, she was covering her mouth trying to suppress laughter at the comical scene.

Angela adgusted the thin straps on her hips and Ben's gulp was audible for all to hear. She spun around and giving Jasper a clear view of the back half of the skimpy outfit.

"Yes or no Jasper?" She asked looking back at him over her shoulder. Jasper had taken several steps back at this point and was staring at Edward who smiled wildly.

I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to laugh at Angela, I knew what it felt like to be under the spell of a Cullen boy, but her outlandish and uncharacteristic behavior was making it very hard to hold the buiding giggles in. I grabbed a firm hold of Angela's hand and pulled her protesting form back into the dressing room.

**AN - What do you guys think?! Do you like Angela and her massive crush on Jasper. This story is serious enough, I wanted a couple of light refreshing chapters as well. (Angela's crush is totally based on my feelings for the tortured Cullen, if I was in her position that is exactly how I would be acting. LOL!) **

**Also, I was BEYOND upset that SM never once mentioned what kind of car Jasper would have. I decided to do some research and find one myself. It's a military edition Hummer (JLTV). I thought, what is Jasper's main interest - the army and war, so he should have an army car! This is the very latest and best one there is! Go to my Profile, and under the Picture This section there will be a link to the image, along with other images from this story. **

**What do you guys think? Good car for Jasper? **

**I just want to warn you all my semester has officially started, that's going to mean less updates, but I WILL never stop! So don't be upset. **

**The chapter's songs are - Our Lips Are Sealed****, and Labels or Love, ****by Fergie. This song pretty much sums up everything Alice. **

**Hope you all enjoyed it!**

**RESPOND!! **


	23. Chapter 23

**AN - (phony flight attendant voice) Thank you all for taking the detour into the humorous section of "Starved", and now if you look to your left; we return to seriousness….**

**Warning - I don't like Edward sass, I don't believe in Edward sass! But I do feel that he wants what's best for Bella and will become angry with anything that gets in the way… even is it's Bella. So there you go…**

**Chapter 23:**

I stared lazily at the tiny beads of melted water dripping down from a row of icicles lining the English class room's window. I was still exhausted from the weekend's shopping boot camp. The teacher's low monotone voice made it impossible to pay attention to the lesson plan, even when putting forth a fighting effort.

I had one week to pull up my grades before finals and judging by this morning the potential wasn't looking very good. The white page of my open notebook was littered with doodles and random thoughts such as; make sure you get Charlie's work pants washed, and, what am I getting Edward for Christmas?! In L.A. I had been perfectly capable of paying attention to a single subject for forty five minutes. This unfocussed thought process was alien to me; I rolled the potential of someone flicking the switch for my brain to _off_ around in my head.

My self reflection was abruptly interrupted by the secretary's voice cutting through the school system's intercom.

"Would Isabella Swan please report to the principle's office. Isabella Swan to the principle's office. Thank you."

My heart sped up as everyone turned and looked at me. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks in mortification. The intercom was connected to every class room throughout the entire school, I could just imagine the new rumors people were concocting in addition to the piles of existing ones. I tried to squish into a smaller amount of matter in a pathetic effort to stand out as little as possible as I gathered my books and hurried into the empty hallway.

I was on the verge of tears when I reached the intimidating door labeled _Principle_ _Greene_. He wasn't a pleasant man to begin with and I was sure he hadn't forgotten about the parking lot debacle with Jacob. My hand was frozen on the door knob, I was shivering in utter terror. My mind was screaming at me to go hide in the bathroom, but I knew I would just be called back.

"Come in Isabella!" Mr. Greene's voice called in agitation. My breath hitched and I pushed the door open.

I walked five slow timid steps to the front of his huge wooden desk and froze. He looked at me in silence for what seemed like forever before throwing a thick white envelope at me. I looked down at it as he began to talk.

"I have to say, Isabella, I'm very disappointed with you. Your transcripts from Los Angeles High School were exceptional. I wasn't expecting this level of degradation in your GPA."

My heart sank. Were my grades really _that_ bad? How would I explain this Charlie? I got light headed imagining the possible conversations.

"Those are a copy of your current grades. If you do not improve by the time finals are over we're going to have to call a parent teacher meeting about other solutions."

I bore down on the heavy envelope like it was a loaded gun, surely it was just as dangerous.

"Good day Miss Swan." Mr. Greene looked back down at his heavy pile of papers, obviously having had enough of me.

I tucked the envelope into my calculus text and hurried out of the office only to run head first into a cold stone wall. I massaged my tender forehead as I looked up and realized the misplaced stone wall was Edward's chest. His face was mixed with emotion. His bottom lip stuck out in his adorable pout while his forehead crinkled, and his strong arms crossed over his chest…

Edward was mad.

I was scared.

"You didn't tell me you were having trouble." He shot through his clenched jaw. A shot of pain jolted through my chest from the hurt in his eyes. The next time he spoke his voice was delicate and regretful, "I could have helped you, Bella."

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it, Edward. Nothing a few hard nights of applying myself can't fix!" I added with pseudo enthusiasm while I casually tapped my calculus text for reassurance. His eyes blazed in fury.

"Bella, your education is not something you merely shrug off. This is very serious." His forehead smoothed from anger to a dangerous warning, "and you are quite right, you will be applying yourself. Every spare minute you get between now and finals."

Great….

--

I found out, to my dismay, that Edward had not been exagerting in the slightest. He lectured, drilled, and quizzed me in the car to and from school, in the hallway, during lunch, while I cooked dinner, and even in bed when I tried to sleep. I had the Pythagorean theorem dancing through my dreams instead of sugar plums.

Yet this constant onslaught of education wasn't what upset me. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't focus on what Edward was going over. After ten minutes of listening to his velvet voice my eyes glazed and my thoughts drifted to other places, places I knew weren't as important as my studies. I was becoming increasingly nervous with only days to go until finals.

My stomach was a constant knot of worry. How could I ever be prepared in time when I had lost control of my mind?

Worst still, the couple sparse gaps of time between Edward's tutoring sessions I was forced to go over meaningless party preparations with Alice. I complained that I was already being run to the ground with school and finals, but then Alice's voice would gat all high and shrill, and she started talking really fast without breathing which made my head hurt even more. I inevitably gave up my pitiful struggle and complied.

This slight diversion from educational growth annoyed Edward to no end. He was constantly arguing with Alice. In the end they settled on a compromise. A compromise that had my head pounding in confusion and exhaustion.

I was permanently stationed on the Cullen's main room floor surrounded by a combination of party favors, guest lists, invitations catering lists, as well as text books, notebooks, pencils, and pens. I was made to fill out invitations while defining junior level vocabulary and listening to literature lectures.

It was a rough week to say the least.

The first day of finals came and went. I took the tests as best I could. Edward needn't know the manner my head drifted after fifteen minutes, forcing me to rush the answers after the five-minute-left warning.

I thought the nausea would dissipate after my test were over and done, but with only one day of finals left the growing pressure turned the unpleasant sensation into straight up pain. I walked slightly hunched grasping my abdomen wincing every time I shifted, causing my stomach to move in the wrong way. Edward was of course worried about my discomfort. He held me in his arms and promised it would be only a memory in a couple hours, after the last tests were finished. I smiled, letting him think he was right.

My stress was piling up _because_ the tests were over… and I knew the results were far from his expectations.

We sat at the kitchen table late on Thursday night pouring over calculus and world history, my two hardest classes. I tried to focus so hard it hurt, but my delicate mind was fried from the constant stress.

Suddenly things like the patterns of grain in the table's wooden surface, and the dance like motions of Edward's fingers as he copied down important facts became extremely interesting. Why was it I could pay attention to the way Edward dotted his _i's_ , but not the war tactics of France in the nineteenth century?

"Bella?"

My mind snapped back into sharp focus at the sound of Edward calling my name. I looked up into his perturbed eyes.

"Did you absorb _anything_ I said in the last half hour?"

"Yes!" I sneered. It wasn't a lie, I _did_ absorb him call my name. Besides, I was honestly trying my hardest. I knew just as well as Edward how important school was. The thought of my complete lack of control over my thought and concentration made my stomach roll in discontent.

He sighed loudly, growing more aggravated with each space out and continued on with the lesson as he turned his eyes back to the text book. I tried to swallow the guilt and self loathing that Edward's frustration had filled me with, but it was too strong. My eyes filled with silent tears that fell onto my notebook creating blotches were the ink ran. I rested my dripping head in my palm and promised myself I would pay attention to Edward for the rest of the night.

--

The next thing I knew I was being forced back into consciousness by my alarm's loud buzzing. My mind was groggy, I couldn't remember the end of my tutoring session… or going to bed either.

I reached over in my bed to touch Edward but he wasn't there, that cleared my head immediately. I bolted up into a sitting position while the ripping pain in my chest I thought I wouldn't ever have to bear again hitched my breath.

"Did you sleep well?" Edward's voice eased the pain at once and I relaxed ignoring the angry sarcasm it was filled with. He was sitting in my old rocking chair with his arms crossed looking out the window.

"You fell asleep somewhere in-between chapter seven and eight, I can't be certain of the exact moment, _I_ was concentrating on the matter at hand." he turned his dark eyes on me and in a tone so cold it made me shiver he added,

"You should get ready for school, the last thing you need right now is to be late for your exam in addition to your lack of preparation."

As I stared at the blank answer sheet on my desk I concentrated more on not throwing up then on the questions I was supposed to be answering. I flicked my eyes over to where Edward sat, to my right and one desk behind. He was pouring over his test with complete focus and a pang of jealously shot through me. He moved his hand fluidly without looking up at me, he must still be angry.

The whole morning as I got ready for school and during the car ride over he was silent. I've never been the recipient of Edward's anger and I didn't like it at all.

I returned my concentration to the exam and read the first question.

_King Phillip II of Macedonia, a kingdom north of Greece, conquered all of the Greek city-states. When he was assassinated in 336 B.C., his 20-year-old son Alexander assumed the throne. Greek teachers, including the great philosopher Aristotle, had educated the young king. Already a seasoned warrior, he had accompanied his father on military campaigns as a cavalry commander. Name three such campaigns._

**What?!**

I re-read the question three times over, absorbing less and less with each passage. My heart started racing in sheer panic. What if I couldn't answer a single a single question?! I shot my petrified eyes at the thirty year old clock hanging over the door. I calmed down a bit, I still had an hour and twenty minutes to sort everything out. I decided to answer the questions I knew first, then follow with the less familiar material. I was a little disheartened after being able to answer only two with confidence.

I closed my eyes in concentration trying to remember Edward's lecture on Alexander the Great. The resulting image was Collin Farrell. I cursed myself for not paying more attention to the historical plot of the movie, Alexander. All I could remember was how cute I thought Jared Leto was and feeling completely hideous as I compared myself to Angelina Jolie….

--

"Five minutes, everyone! This is your five minute warning!"

My eyes flew open.

_Damn it! I can't believe I fell asleep again!_

My heart pounded in my chest as my body flooded with terror. I only had two questions answered! I suppressed a dry heave and grabbed the exam in a desperate attempt to scribble anything I could about Mr. stupid overachieving Alexander.

I gasped loudly when I looked at my answer sheet. The overly large areas allotted for our answers were all mysteriously filled in. The writing that took up the generous space was a carbon copy of my own, except the knowledge in these answers didn't reside in my head. Even the two answers I thought I got correct had been replaced by longer more complete versions.

I flipped through the five pages in disbelief, how could this have happened? Did I sleep answer these? I secretly wished this was true, maybe I had done better on my other tests then I feared.

My heart sank when I returned to the first page. In handwriting that was so obviously not my chicken scratch, for it was more like artful calligraphy, lightly written as to be easily erased was the question;

_What is going on with you?!_

My heart raced, I quickly erased the message and turned around to look at Edward. His arms were once again folded across his chest, but his fiery eyes now bore intensely into my own. I cringed little at the his overwhelming fury.

**AN - Once again; ****Warning - I don't like Edward sass, I don't _believe_ ****in Edward sass! But I do feel that he wants what's best for Bella and will become angry with anything that gets in the way… even is it's Bella. So there you go…**

**The song for this chapter is Schizophrenia****, by Blue October. It really let's you into the confusion Bella is feeling in this chapter. It talks about self destruction and someone being there to help calm you down… (clears throat) Edward.**

**Go to my profile and click on the playlist to listen to the audio.**

**I would like to know your guy's opinion on the playlist so far…. Do you think the songs go with the chapters?… Please Please Please tell me what you think!**

**It's getting closer and closer….! Dun, Dun, Dun….**

**RESPOND!!**


	24. Chapter 24

**AN - OK, I am fully prepared for the onslaught of hate mail this chapter is going to generate. I've known since the first chapter a lot of you readers aren't going to like the many twists this story will take, but I've also known that my priority was to keep Bella's character true to someone suffering from anorexia. **

**Chapter 24: **

I was careful to avoid Edward for the remainder of the school day. After the last final was finished a visible waive of relief washed through the student body leaving in it's wake the air of excitement. Countless people were running through the hallways jumping up and down, cheering in elation for the upcoming break and much anticipated Cullen Christmas party. Their behavior made it known what an entire school of Alice Cullens running around would be like.

Edward and I were the only exceptions to the unofficial celebration. He stood waiting outside my calculus exam, arms crossed, ready to drag me through the crowded hallway. We were quiet for the whole ride home. Edward sat fuming, white knuckling the steering wheel. I knew he was waiting for me to explain myself, but in all honesty I didn't know what to say.

I would have loved to be able to lay out a nice long clarification for him. To list off the reasons for my lack of focus, or why I couldn't sit for half an hour without drifting into unconsciousness. In order to do that _I _would have to understand the problem, but I was just as far from comprehension as he was.

My heart raced when I opened the car door and stepped out, how long could his golden silence last? I felt I was pushing my luck as I hurried up the walkway to my front door, I couldn't hear Edward following me but sensed the thick tension and knew he was there. I fumbled with they key before shoving it into the lock, each motion increased the uncomfortable buzzing of panic vibrating through my veins. Would I really get away from the issue this easily? I swung the door open and without looking behind me I pushed it shut.

There was an audible _thud_ instead of the click that meant it had closed, something was blocking it.

I felt the now familiar shooting pain of my heart tearing in raw fear. I turned and saw Edward's pale fingers wrenching the door back open with outrage exploding in his magnetic eyes. His ferocity was such that I cowered back into the living room's darkness.

I was scared. Not of Edward, I knew he was incapable of harming me. I was scared of the answers he was looking for. They had been buried deep in my being for far too long. I couldn't remember what they looked liked, what their root of truth proclaimed. I was a prisoner of not understanding in my own mind and Edward was trying to break me free.

Freedom terrified me. I was comfortable in my hunger, the familiar darkness a veil of camouflage I yearned to hide under.

I wasn't looking for help.

"Bella you _will _tell me what is going on! Tell me what you are thinking!" He screamed louder then I thought possible from his usual soothing velvet.

"I am not am imbecile, I know something is wrong! You are insulting my intelligence and my love for you if you think me capable of ignoring this!" he growled through curled lips.

My wide eyes filled with moisture, though I wasn't crying. It was a physical reaction to petrifying panic. I had to spread my jaw open to get the amount of air my heaving lungs were requiring from me. It wasn't enough. My head was spinning and the walls were moving in on me. I was trapped! I darted my eyes around praying to find an excuse, a way out.

Edward's face crippled in disgust at my shifty terror. He took a step backwards, landing outside the door's threshold. For a fraction of a second his anger wilted into empathy, empathy that took hold of my insides and twisted them in unthankful outrage. My face hardened, and his followed.

"Damn it, Bella! Why won't you tell me?! I deserve to know the truth!" I clutched my hands to ears at his deafening scream, I thought my ears were bleeding. The keys to his Volvo he gripped were squeezed into a perfect mold of his tight palm.

I felt a significant shift in my myself as I gaped at Edward's unapologetic rage. The continental plates of my emotional world scraped up against each other during his claim for the right to obtain my secret truths. The resulting tidal wave of blind defensiveness left nothing but destruction.

" Can't you respect my privacy?!" I shouted equaling his volume while taking a threatening step forward. I had no idea what was getting into me, but how dare Edward demand the information that I couldn't even uncover?! My furious eyes burned deep scars of horror onto his face.

He meekly lifted his hand and touched the very tips of his long fingers to the wet tears on my flaming cheeks. "Bella I need to help you.", he said quiet but stern. "I'm worthless if you won't talk to me."

My pulse raced in anxiety as he bore down on me. The walls were closing in again at a terrifying speed. I had no space to move, my air supply was being cut off. There was no air. I couldn't breath!

I smacked his asphyxiating hand away from me, "God Edward! You're smothering me!"

His eyes filled with shock and agony, mouth open in astonishment. My reaction had paralyzed him.

I glared at him with undiluted rage and warning before slamming the front door shut in his face. I quickly twisted the lock and slid the chain and bolt into place as I gasped for air.

The roaring strength that had just possessed my body was quickly draining, leaving me weak and powerless. My insides were splitting into two. They raged war against each other. The immediate wave of relief was fading and the horror of my actions were beginning to sink in. My fumbling body collapsed, back sliding down the door where I crumbled into a pathetic pile.

I had no idea what had overtaken me. Yelling and throw Edward, my love, out of my house. I could never imagine myself hurting him like that. The pain he was sure to be nursing surged through me and added to my already chaotic devastation. My body shook in hysteria, could I no longer control my emotions either? I had let the thunder speak for the whole beautiful sky.

--

I sat crawled up in a self loathing ball watching the dark house fill with shadows as twilight approached. My body crawled in discontent. I had nowhere to go, no way to fix this. I couldn't go to Edward, he would only demand precious answers that remained unclear. I couldn't _not _go to Edward. I needed him with every fiber of my life.

For the first time in weeks I didn't fight for consciousness, sleep would be a welcome ease.

My eyes remained focused, my mind clear. There was no rest, no escape.

**AN - Once again, **

**OK, I am fully prepared for the onslaught of hate mail this chapter is going to generate. I've known since the first chapter a lot of you readers aren't going to like the twists this story will take, but I've also known that my priority was to keep Bella's character true to someone suffering from anorexia. . . SO BRING IT ON!**

**The songs for this chapter are extremely close to the emotional whirlwind Bella is suffering, PLEASE listen to them! They will let you in on her 1****st****, confusion about her problems (Fidelity, by Regina Spektor), 2****nd****, her frustration at Edward (Closer To The Edge, by Lincoln Park), and 3****rd****, when she gets backed into a corner and snaps - her defensive aggression (Headstrong, by Trapt). **

.

**REVIEW!!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25:**

I sat crawled up in a self loathing ball watching the dark house fill with shadows as twilight approached. My body crawled in discontent. I had nowhere to go, no way to fix this. I couldn't go to Edward, he would only demand precious answers that were unclear. I couldn't not go to Edward. I needed him with every fiber of my life.

For the first time in weeks I didn't fight for consciousness, sleep would be a welcome ease.

My eyes remained focused, my mind clear. There was no rest, no escape.

--

My mind replayed the image of our door slamming in Edward's face over and over again like the horror movie it was. I couldn't escape it, there was no point in trying. I allowed myself to slip into a trance like state, still unable to move off the floor against the door.

After the shadows had long since disappeared, replaced by a thick, all consuming darkness I heard noises moving around outside, but couldn't gather the energy to care. I sat.

There was a scraping of metal against metal, then all at once my body was being shoved forward, sweeping against the floor as the door urged open.

"What the- ?! Bella?" Charlie's voice was heavy with confusion. "What are you doing on the ground blocking the door like that?"

I looked up at him with dead eyes.

"Bella?…" He plopped the pizza box he was carrying onto the sofa and crouched down next to me. "Are you all right, sweetie?" He brushed my face with his hand. My stomach flittered in satisfaction, Charlie was being so uncharacteristically caring. He was trying to take care of me without invading my private war. It was the most I could ask of anyone. The tears I had unconsciously locked onto on the boarder of my eyelids came streaming down along with all my defenses. I could feel the built up emotion overflow and pour out of me.

I threw my arms around him and let my pain run free. I sobbed and gasped for air, my exhausted body quaking unorthodoxly. He tensed at my outburst and stood, dragging me up with him. He set me on my feet and wiped my face dry. With my newly cleared vision I could see the apparent fright in Charlie's face.

Immediately I felt guilty and let go. Of course Charlie would be uncomfortable forced into this emotional situation. I faked a smile and took a step back, giving him a little air. It wasn't fair to lean on Charlie when he had no idea what was happening in my head. I wouldn't take advantage of him in that way, he was too good a father to do that.

This was my apocalypse, my civil war. It was ridiculous to accept any casualties in addition to my own.

"Sorry, Dad." I looked into his worried eyes with as much believability as I could portray, "It's just the stress of finals, you know." I shrugged casually, smile in tact. I was morphing into a phenomenal liar. I wasn't certain if that made me happy or sad.

He relaxed a little, but his face remained solemn. "Maybe you could use a rest, Bells." He eyed me with more intensity then I previously thought Charlie possessed. "You're looking kind of worn down."

I hid the pang of nerves that exploded in my chest without flinching a muscle. Charlie, the most sheltered and unobservant person imaginable was beginning to question my integrity. I unconsciously took several steps back, away from his invading eyes. I would have to work harder, double my efforts. I would not give in.

I stood up straight and proud, all aspects of lies behind me now. I was ok. I could do anything I set my mind on, I knew that now. Nothing would stop me. Nothing.

"Charlie, I'm fine. Don't worry about me." My voice had warped from meekness to bold ferocity. I felt alive with raw infallible power. I felt strong, dominating.

I needed no one.

He tilted his head slightly to the side as if confused. "Yeah, sure kid." His words suggested he let the subject drop, but something in his face indicated otherwise. I began to struggle for air, why was he looking at me like that?

I had to get out before I broke down again. I couldn't risk it.

"Listen Charlie, I have to go." I grabbed the door knob and yanked it open before he could ask me where I was going.

I didn't have an answer.

The winter night's wind smacked hard into my chest, the icy fierceness knocking my breath out. Clutching Jacob's parka closer to my form I ran at top speed to my truck. It seemed the last time I drove in it was ages ago, and blocked the reason for it's current necessity out.

I revved the ancient engine and then sighed, where did I plan on running to? I had no where to go. My house was off limits, Charlie was being annoyingly perceptive.

I refused to contemplate my other option.

My body was shaking so hard my head began to ache from the jerky motion. I pulled the fur lined hood all the way over my face. It was so large there was no problem tugging it the furry edge down under my chin. My hot breath got trapped in the confines of the weatherproof material, thawing my frozen nose and cheeks. I mentally thanked Jacob for not skimping on the expensive winter gear.

A ray of hope shimmered like the sun, like Jacob.

I smiled and scolded myself for not thinking about him earlier. The past two weeks had been such a hectic mess my thoughts hadn't landed on my Jacob once. I backed the squeaky truck out of the driveway and headed towards La Push. Toward my soul's repairman.

It took me ten minutes to arrive in front of Jacob's quaint house. It looked exactly the same as all those years ago, happy memories flooded my mind leaving me warm and content. Jacob's massive form appeared from the sliver of light emanating from the front door. I hopped down from the cab and made my way through the mushy snow.

He met me halfway, his long strides making the tiring trudge look easy. "Come to return my Jacket?" , he teased. His white teeth shone in the dark night illuminating his sunny smile. For the third time today my independent emotions overtook me with out permission. This time they were set off by the relief of just being near my comfort blanket. I wanted to cry in joy and relief but thought better of it.

This time the change in heart was welcome. I was filled with excitement and elatedness. A squeal escaped me as I jumped into the warm embrace of Jacobs gigantic body. We laughed together at my eagerness, there was no point in hiding our unexplainable dependence on each other. We both knew he felt the exact same way. There was no room for embarrassment, we were both too full of love.

He didn't let go after the hug was over. His strong arms secured me to his chest while he carried me back to the porch and into his warm house. Once inside he set me down and kicked off his snowy boots.

"So, what's up Bells?", he asked casually as he walked the short distance to the kitchen. He tugged the fridge open and yanked out a plate over flowing with pre-cooked bacon. I made a face at the fatty meat then answered.

"Nothing really." I shrugged. "I just found out two weeks is _way_ too long." He looked up from his disturbing snack and smiled wide. I laughed at the chunk of meat stuck in his pearly teeth.

"I know exactly what you mean.", he beamed. Then turned back to his plate. "Do you want some? It's only from this morning." He looked over at me, I could tell he was hoping I refused. Jacob loved his bacon.

I giggled, "No, I ate dinner with Charlie, thanks."

--

We sat at Jacob's tiny kitchen table late into the night remembering our childhood together. He teased me about my many trips to the hospital due to my everlasting clumsiness. I retorted in his constant lady troubles. We laughed until my side hurt and my speech slurred in exhaustion.

"You want a ride home?", Jacob yawned some time after midnight while stretching his long body out, fingers brushing the ceiling.

I looked up at him meekly. "Jake, do you think Billy would mind if I spent the night?", my voice was unsure. I didn't want to intrude.

He smiled wider then ever before, grabbing my hand that was swallowed by his own. "Don't be stupid, Bells."

--

I woke up to Jacob's loud snoring. I giggled at the rumbling racket wondering how I had ever fallen asleep in the first place. It took me a while to realize how comfortable I was. I lay on his old worn in mattress practically buried under his body. The only part of myself that remained free from our entanglement was the top of my chest and head. I soon realized that this had been the most rejuvenated I've felt in weeks. Maybe it was the combination of Jacob's squishy bed, his familiar rhythmic snoring, and the precious warmth I was greedily soaking up. Or maybe it was the relief of a long break from school's stress. I ruled out those thoughts, knowing the security was emanating straight from Jacob's presence. He was my numbing pain medication, a large russet bottle of legalized Oxycotton.

I used the hour before Jacob joined me in consciousness to reflect on my suppressed emotions. Something felt very different from the other times Edward and I were apart, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Was it because I had been the one to run this time? I couldn't accept that to be true. It made no difference who abandoned who, the pain came from our separation, not rejection. Why is it that I could smile now? That laughter came so easily after such a nightmare? There was no devil yanking at my heart strings, no gaping hole in my chest. I did miss Edward, I was in misery without him, but I wasn't crippled by it.

I longed to know the reasoning, I wanted to make sense of this. How is it possible to be broken hearted, and happy at the same time?

--

We ran for two hours straight in the calve high snow bordering the forest. Only turning around once Jacob's pestering whining got the best of me. It felt amazing to run with Jacob again, like nothing bad had happened between the two large gaps in history. After we showered he leant me a pair of sweats from grammar school and a huge sweater that he promised was his thickest. We settled in the homemade garage shelter where he spent most of his free time. With in an hour I was shivering in the damp cold it's thin walls couldn't keep out. He left, and returned with a space heater that I quickly turned on the highest setting. Jacob started sweating and complained about the heat as he peeled his T-shirt off. I paid him no mind, the struggling heater combined with his magical parka did the trick.

We spent the entire afternoon relaxing in the cramped space. Jacob tweaked the engine of his Rabbit while I watched. After his face glazed over in concentration I recognized his sudden seriousness to be what he referred to as his "engineer zone". He claimed that during this elated mental state he could fix anything, but needed complete silence.

I sat patiently going over the questions in my head I had no answers for. They seemed to be piling up. A brief memory of Edward's graceful fingers playing with the locks of my hair crept up before my closed eyes. An impossible pain shot though my entirety causing fat tears to silently fall. Jacob was too consumed to notice, but it wouldn't be long before he would. He was the last home base I had left, my single remaining safety. I couldn't allow him to become suspicious too, I had to pull myself together.

I summoned all of my will into suppressing the torture of Edward's loss. I pushed it down and hid it in the deep recesses of my mind where it wouldn't easily escape.

Nothing…

I felt nothing!

I gasped for air and looked around the garage in disbelief. Did I actually overcome my pain by sheer will power?! Was I that strong?

I waited, holding my breath, for the pain to return. One minute. Two minutes.

My lips curled into a smile as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks, tears of joy. How could I be this tough? I knew the heartache was only covered by a delicately sheer sheet of denial, but it was enough for me! I was happy in my delusion. This pain was only one more challenge I would have to win.

I was stronger now, stronger then any other person I knew. Everybody else crawled around me like worms with their pathetic dependence on food and love.

I smiled knowing I could survive without either.

Darkness began to settle outside the single window seemingly premature. The day flew by too quickly, I was too comfortable here to leave.

Jacob shut the hood of his beloved car closed with a _snap_ and then plopped on top of it. He leaned over into a brown paper bag and chucked me a can of soda. I caught it reflexively and held it unopened while he gulped his down without breath.

_BANG_!

Jacob coughed violently having inhaled a gulp of soda in response to the heart shattering clamor. We both jerked our heads over to the source of the noise. The garage door had been slammed open and a body was inhabiting the dark shadows.

"Isabella Swan! What are you doing here?!" Alice's shrill voice felt like nails scraping against a chalk board, my body shivered in discomfort. She marched right up to me ignoring Jacob's choking form. "How can you call yourself a friend?" , she demanded. The hurt in her eyes made me drown in guilt.

"How can you just blow me off like this?! The party is in two hours! The whole town is going to be there! I need you! You promised you would help!" She pouted in a way that reminded me of her brother. She "hmphed", and folded her teeny arms across her chest.

"More then the town, Cullen." Jacob interjected. He had finally regained his composure. Alice didn't smile, but I could tell that this news pleased her. "Everyone I know is going, and not just LaPush kids. I heard a kid from three towns over talking about it." He shook his head and smiled, "This is going to be a raver, there's no question about it, it's going to make Ashley's party look like a quiet get together."

Alice perked right up. "You think?!".

"Alice! How did you invite all those people?! Do you even know them?!" I shot, now mine was the shrill voice.

She rolled her eyes with a knowing smile. "Bella, you're so cute." She tapped my head like Jacob does when he thinks I say something stupid or naive. "You don't have to know people just to invite them to a party!" Jacob joined her in laughter at my expense. I turned red and frowned. Excuse me for not being a wild party go-er.

"Come on, Bells. Get real." Jacob finished the last of his soda and I secretly hoped he'd joke on it.

Alice got serious again, turning back around to face me. "You have to come! You promised me!" I stared at her with an empty head, and matching emotions. I loved Alice, but I wouldn't be going to her party, no matter what level tantrum she threw. She could have Jasper come over here and throw me over his shoulder for all I cared, I wasn't permitting myself within a mile of Edward territory. Jacob would protect me.

"Don't worry, baby Cullen. I'll get her to your party." We both shot death glares at Jacob. He didn't seem to notice.

"Don't pretend you can resist dancing with me, Bella." He smiled, and I laughed. He would never let me live that night down, but the passage of time allowed the memory to become one of humor.

I set my head straight and forced my mouth back into a frown. "Alice, I don't know what Edward has or hasn't told you, but we kind of had a big fight yesterday." Jacob's ears perked up, "I don't want to be anywhere near him."

Alice frowned. My heart sank, I didn't mean to hurt her but the truth was the only way around this party. "Bella, I thought you were my friend. I thought you loved me…" Her voice was a quivering whisper as she looked at the ground. Jacob's eyes remained on me. I'm sure he was still in shock that I was struggling with my relationship without becoming catatonic.

"Bella, there's going to be like….a million people there. If you're avoiding someone you won't have a problem." Jacob reached over and rubbed my shoulder flashing me his warm smile.

"He's right!" Alice was bouncy and excited again. "Oh please, Bella! For me?!" "I promise, no shopping for a month… er, two weeks!" Her eyes were wide in anticipation. I truly did love her, she was more like a sister then a friend. If their predictions were correct then they were right, I wouldn't have a problem hiding.

"Ughhh!" I sighed, throwing my hands up into the air in surrender. "Fine, I'll go, I'll go!" I shouted in aggravation.

"Yay! Wait here!" She flew out of the garage and returned a second later with a bag in her hands. "This is the dress that we picked out last weekend!" She shoved the bag in my hand and threw her arms around me in a suffocating hug. She let go and squealed in jubilation.

"I have to go finish getting ready!" She turned to Jacob and hugged him adding a quick peck on the cheek. "Thank you!" She called as she zoomed out the door.

Jacob sported a look of confused shock on his slightly darkened face. "That little one sure is feisty."

**AN - Ummm... i don't think I have anything to say right now... maybe it's cause' I'm flying like a kite, so messed up right now...**

**Ughh.. The song for this chapter is Where is Your Boy Tonight?, by the Fall Out Boys. It's from Jacob's perspective. Check it out.. I can't stop laughing!**

**REVIEW!!**


	26. Chapter 26

**AN - To all of those who are hating on Bella right now, take a step back…. Breathe with me, in… out… Good!**

**Ok,… THE GIRL IS SICK! **

**STEP OFF! **

**Chapter 26:**

Charlie was out with Billy visiting at the Clearwater's so I knew it was in the safe to ask Jacob for a home. I needed to clean up for the party and I didn't want to do it in front of him. I took a long hot shower then blew out my dripping wet hair. I decided to go all out and iron my natural curls into shiny pin straight locks. This added about two inches to my already long hair, and I was thankful for the extra coverage.

The dress, or _lack _of dress that Alice forced upon me last weekend barley covered anything at all. It was very beautiful and delicate, the toffee material illuminating my pale skin. I gave her that, but every time I gently tugged it down trying to cover more then a bikini bottom's amount of skin my chest would pop out of the tube top. Then I pulled it back up with burning cheeks only to give the porcelain toilet a flash of my strategically conservative panties, _just in case_.

After ten minutes of this infuriating dance I cursed loudly and stomped down the hall to my bedroom. I yanked the door of my messy closet open and savagely tore through the hanging clothes. Sure I only had the _one _dress, and I _did _already wear it in front of Edward, but anything was better then this washcloth! Besides, I had no intention of being seen by Edward tonight anyway.

Flick, flick, flick, _thunk_.

My hand hit the wall after running out of articles to shove over. "Where the hell is my dress?!" I whined to myself. I specifically remembered hanging it safely away after it had been washed last. I spun around in disbelief searching the rest of my room. My eyes landed on piece of paper laying on my bed.

_Bella, _

_Don't be mad._

_You look beautiful in that dress!_

_Stop tugging on it, you'll pull the fabric!_

_Love, Alice_

_P.S. (I left you a surprise under your bed… your closet could do with a cleaning.)_

"ALICE!" I screamed despite knowing she couldn't hear me. I was infuriated. She knew I would chicken out and fall back onto my nice, yet simple back dress.

"Stupid, cunning, pixie…ball of crazy…. overly caffeinated…..munchkin of terror!" I spat with venom as I huffed over to my vanity and plopped into the chair. I had to force my face to un-crumple out of it's anger. There was no way I could hide the now dark purple sunken half moons under my eyes without relaxing. I closed my eyes and breathed.

It took a couple of minutes, but with half a bottle of MAC concealer and dubious applications of foundation powder my face flew into one even color. I swept a dark bronze over eyelids and polished them off with a thick layer of black eyeliner and mascara, then painted my lips blood red in a nod to the season.

After I was finished I sat with my arms crossed tapping my foot in agitation. The dress was _ridiculous_, I wouldn't even be able to sit down tonight! The sparse material fell at the joint of my hip in this position. I made a mental note to not raise my hands or bend over for any reason.

_BEEP, BEEP!_

I heard the squeaky horn of Jacob's Rabbit idling outside. Suddenly my insides crawled in fear, It dawned on me I truly had no choice. Before this moment I'd been foolishly holding out hope that another dress would magically appear out of nothingness. Time was up, I'm actually being forced to wear this pathetic excuse for evening wear. I whimpered in discontent and ran out of my room like a chicken without a head. I got halfway down the stairs before I noticed my feet were bare.

_Shit! _I ran back upstairs and into my bedroom flinging myself into the growing mass of junk at the bottom of my closet. I could feel the draft on my upper thighs and behind as I knelt, bending forward in a frenzied search. It was impossible to find anything in the mess! The arms of sweaters knotted together and necklaces were tangled up in shoelaces.

"Looking good, Swan!" Jacobs familiar voice burst into laughter from the doorway. I bolted up straight with a gasp of horror as I threw my hands over my exposed bottom.

"Jesus, Jacob! Do you want to give me a heart attack?!" I sneered. My heart was still pounding heavily in my chest. I let out a heavy breath and returned, in a more modest position, to search for a pair of shoes.

Jacob snorted, "Well you're sure going to give every guy at the party a heart attack in _that _thing."

I ignored his comment but cursed Alice silently in my mind. I heard the squeak from my bedsprings, Jacob must have sat down.

Raging laughter filled the room and I turned to see what could possibly make Jacob laugh that hard. He was clutching the note from Alice in his hand and pointing at me with his other.

"The little one is _making _you were that postage stamp?!", he was tearing from his wild laughter.

My face flushed in fury and my nostrils flared. He took one look at my dangerous face and fell quiet. "Sorry, Bella. That's just… well it's just.. FUNNY!" He laughed again and slumped onto the floor.

I was in no mood to play the butt of any jokes. My head ached and I was tired. This night had already gone on too long. I wanted it to end, to crawl up with Jacob and sleep away the entire vacation in peace.

I fought back the tears threatening my mascara-ed eyelids. "Can't we just skip this Jacob? _Please_?" I was full on begging him, hands folded together and outstretched in desperation. "No one would even notice, there's going to be too many people."

"Sorry, Bells." he leaned over and reached under the bed with his long arm, pulling out a black and beige box. He smiled his signature warmth at me. "But that little one kind of scares me." He opened the lid and lifted a tan pump into the air.

I sucked in a large gasp of air in relief and awe. I stood up and ran toward the beautiful shoe. "Oh my gosh, these are perfect!" I slid them on my feet and checked out their effect on the dress in my mirror. I sighed, Alice really was a fashion guru.

"Ready?" Jacob stood and held out his hand.

"No." I mumbled taking his hand.

--

I was shaking so violently during the car ride I had to push myself forcefully against Jacobs side in an attempt at warmth. It wasn't enough, this dinky swash of cloth was going to kill me. I yanked my arms out of Jacob's parka's sleeves and crossed them over my quivering chest, then folded my knees into the bunch trying to conserve my body heat. I couldn't have care less about flashing Jacob, I was in physical pain. He wrapped an arm around my now ball forming body and pulled me in tighter.

"It's not _that _cold Bella." he mused, but rubbed my side casing warm friction despite his claims.

We pulled into the drive leading up to the mansion. Both our mouths dropped in awe. Every tree was lit up with delicate strings of golden light illuminating the silver tinsel strewn across their length. Thousands of baubles peppered the pines and a large glowing star capped them off. This, mixed with the falling snow flakes created a magical scene that beat any concocted movie set.

"How did she even get those on there?" Jacob breathed as we continued up the path.

The faint sound of music began to grow louder as we approached the grand house. It was a mix of current dance and Christmas classics. There were hundreds of cars scattered around the large property, all blocking each other in. A wreath the size of my house hung decadently from in the center of the mansion's front wall. Christmas lights and garland lined the roof, and large red velvet bows hung from every window. A gigantic snowman bearing an uncanny resemblance to Frosty himself smiled innocently at us as we walked up the pathway.

None of these embellishments came close to what made Jacob and I stop dead in our tracks. On the edge of the forest waited a beautiful red and gold sleigh. Tiny sleigh bells chimed as the tethers were moved by the line of live reindeer they were attached to. The front most beast sported a shining red nose.

After we recovered from shock we made our way to the front door. Jacob looked up and smiled pointing to a small bundle of greenery hanging from the doorway's top. "Mistletoe." He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. "Promise me you'll at least _try _and have fun tonight." His eyes danced with excitement. A jolt of guilt twisted in my stomach, I didn't want to keep him from the party on account of my sour mood.

I sighed, "Sure, sure." I smiled in utter perfection of actual happiness, and swung the door open myself. The music's volume almost blew me off my feet. I stumbled back in shock but Jacob grabbed my arm and pulled me into the house.

I sighed in relief, the house had been transformed into something relatable to a nightclub. There was no way Edward would find me in this darkened mob. It was pitch black except for the methodic pulse from strobe lights. All of the furniture was gone opening the single room into an oversized dance floor. The group of dancing people flashed in, then out of view in a way that made me nauseous.

The air was warm from all the hot bodies, and thick with the delicious smell of gingerbread. My stomach rolled in hunger but I didn't notice.

"Look at that system!" Jacob yelled eyeing a tent sized jumble of black boxes set aside a turntable being attended to by a burly guy with dreds. I rolled my eyes. Does everything with a plug fascinate men? All of a sudden something cold grabbed my arm and yanked it roughly. Before I knew what was happening I had been spun around and my body shook as it bore a whole new crop of bare skin.

I gaped at Alice in fierce fury. She was smiling sweetly at me with Jacob's parka folded in her thin arms. The little jumping bean had spun me out of my own damn coat!

"What?" She giggled, "You weren't going to wear this all night were you?" She handed my lovely protection over to Jasper who grimaced, showing his apologies and walked away.

She bounced up and down in a crazed manner like never before, "Isn't this fantastic? Everyone's here!", she screeched. Her eyes bulged, _she looks like she's going to explode! _I looked around anxiously for Jasper, Alice was about to bust a gut in excitement. He was no where in sight, I sighed and took over his usual job by firmly planting my hand on her shoulder pulling her down to earth.

I paused after getting a glimpse of her outfit for the first time and laughed. "What are you wearing?!", I snorted. She was dressed in long black riding boots, a red micro-miny skirt with a black belt, a red tank top lined in white fur, and a Santa Clause hat. She smiled and pulled something onto my head. "_We _are the hostesses, Bella. We have to stand out!"

I frowned and felt at the cloth on top of my head, "Aww… Alice, are you seriously going to make me wear all this?" I whined pulling on my matching Santa hat. "I can't even sit down in this thing!… Or wave… or pick something up!"

"No, but you look hot!" She giggled and hurried into the crowd disappearing in seconds.

"Come on. Let's get drinks." I clutched onto Jacob's shirt for dear life as he forced himself blindly through the crowd of people on our way to the kitchen.

"What do you want?" he called grabbing himself a beer.

"Just a water, thanks." He rolled his eyes but handed me the plastic bottle. There was no way I was going to make a fool of myself again.

As I took the first sip my eyes caught on something green in the distance. Something very green, and very _large. _I couldn't stop myself from running towards the jolly green giant with a huge grin plastered over my face.

"Oh my _God_! Emmett! What did Alice _do _to you?!" I laughed hysterically, grabbing onto his bulging arm for support. He was completely decked out like an elf, pointy shoes and all. He even had large bright circles of blush contrasting with the white skin on his cheeks. I looked down, _yup_!!

"_Tights_!? Oh, Emmett go change! What's the worst Alice can do?!" I almost felt sorry for him as I resisted the urge to pull my dress down over my thighs.

"Why would I change? I volunteered. I'm the Yule-Yacker Tracker!!" He beamed and his already huge chest swelled. "I get to throw anyone who looks like their going to yack out of the house!" I just gaped up at him, _what do you say to that?! _

Emmett looked into the crowd behind me and his face lit up. "If you'll excuse me, Bella, but duty calls!", and he was gone.

When I turned back around Jacob was already talking to a pretty red haired girl I'd never seen before. I decided to give him some privacy and slipped into the better concealing pitch of the main room. I walked until my fingers swept against wall, and then leaned my tired body against it. I would just lean here all night where no one can see me, and I wouldn't feel the need to pick anything up.

During a second's flash of the strobe I thought I saw a glimpse of Angela chasing a panic eyed Jasper, but the next moment they were gone. The lights were making me nauseous, I closed my eyes leaning my head against the wall and let my mind wonder.

"Well, hello there, Beautiful." A gentle sluggish voice cooed. It had an air of familiarity about it, but when I opened my eyes I didn't recognize the man in front of me. He was tall, but lanky, no muscle to speak of. He brushed his long black hair out of his pale green eyes. An unexplainable urge to run away from this stranger threatened to overtake me.

He held a shaky hand out towards me, "Do you want to dance?" I was about to decline politely before a flash of purple light reflected off of the perfect sculpture of Edward's outraged face. I gasped in horror, without thought I grabbed the strangers hand. 


	27. Chapter 27

**AN - I honestly don't even know what to say anymore. If you guys still hate Bella and think she's being selfish then I haven't done my job properly. I wanted you guys to see things from her eyes, she has lost control of herself, she can't help the way she reacts when someone is cornering her. I didn't mean to give you all an opening to judge her. Of course she loves Edward, she loves him more then anything. But right now her anorexia isn't allowing her to be close to anything that is threatening to it. **

**VJ - Smile Because You're Happy!**

**Chapter 27:**

"Well, hello there, Beautiful." A gentle sluggish voice cooed. It had an air of familiarity about it, but when I opened my eyes I didn't recognize the man in front of me. He was tall, but lanky, no muscle to speak of. He brushed his long black hair out of his pale green eyes. An unexplainable urge to run away from this stranger threatened to overtake me.

He held a shaky hand out towards me, "Do you want to dance?" I was about to decline politely before a flash of purple light reflected off of the perfect sculpture of Edward's outraged face. I gasped in horror, without thought I grabbed the strangers hand.

--

My body shook but I dared not look back as I tried with all my might to ignore the house quaking growl ripping from behind our backs. We weaved our way to the center of the room quickly. His hand was clammy, I cringed inwardly at the confusing uneasiness emanating from our closeness. We stopped and the stranger slipped his hands around my waist pulling me in closer towards his boney chest. My face cringed and the blood in my veins boiled. Uncomfortable anxiety pulsed through me in time with the deafening music shortening my quick breaths. Something was wrong, I knew it in my heart. My body was warning me of something my mind couldn't grasp.

I stood awkwardly, arms hanging at my sides instead of resting on this man's shoulders where they belonged. I couldn't move freely if I hoped to keep any semblance of modesty in this dress. I settled on swaying my hips as far from this man's body as possible under his vice grip.

As the song went on I relaxed only fractionally. Surely Edward would have interjected by now if he was planning to. Still, I couldn't ease myself completely. The wiry man's hot breath panted on my neck, it made me sick. My nose crinkled in disgust as I wished the song to end. I wanted to find Jacob, to hide behind his broad back all night where I was certain to be safe.

Instead of ending the song mixed artistically into the next beat seamlessly. I sighed, stupid Alice hiring a stupid professional D.J.. Rigid hands moved in opposite directions away from my hips. One slid up the small of my back, the other down, down, down.

My face twisted in shock. Who did this guy think he was?! Who did he think _I_ was?!

No one had ever been so cockily bold while touching me before. _Edward _had never even touched me this way… and he _had _permission! My heart raced in fury as I fumbled backward away from this creep. After half a step I knocked into someone behind me and turned to apologize. As I did so a distant commotion erupted from somewhere closer to the back glass wall. A deep rumble of screaming was only just audible over the Christmas carol dance mix. I was blind to my own hands but rather felt the surrounding people turn to the disturbance.

I stood on tip-toes and squinted my eyes in a laughable attempt to glimpse the source. Everything was so surreal. The mystifying lights slowed my confused mind. Everything was showing up in second long segments, needing to be thread together into an explainable event.

Black.

Flash, - A group of people a few yards away flailing their arms aggressively.

Black.

Flash, - The group became clear, made up of Emmett, Mike, Ben, and Jasper.

Black.

Flash, - The group had rearranged in the second of darkness, Emmett in his ridiculous costume was dragging Mike easily through the crowd followed angrily by Ben and Jasper. Suddenly Edward was now visible on the far side of the overly testosterone-ed gang, his mouth open, shouting at someone.

Black.

Flash, - Edward's magnetic eyes locking onto my own, stopping my heart and breath alike.

Black.

Flash, - Once again my friends had jumbled together in a new formation, they were all so close. Too close. I gasped realizing the mass of five boys had become a dog pile. Fists were flying savagely and my stomach jerked painfully with nausea trying to see who the poor recipients were.

Black.

Flash, - Black!

A large boney hand clamped over my face covering my eyes and mouth. I tried to shout but the grip sealing my lips shut was that of steel. I was being dragged backwards roughly through the crowded room. A skinny arm snaked across my stomach clutching my struggling body to his sticklike figure. My eyes filled with panicked tears as I began to exhaust way too quickly. I didn't have enough energy to even try and escape.

My stomach clenched into itself with life threatening fear, I couldn't breath! My lungs heaved but both air ways were blocked tightly. My fragile hands scraped wildly at my attacker, a slow laugh shook my back in response to my feeble efforts. He was enjoying this.

My head was growing heavy and my legs stopped kicking. He took advantage of my weekend state and without freeing my face he swung an arm under my legs, lifting me from the ground. He ran now, my fleeting consciousness realized. The music and scream filled mix softened as a burst of frozen air caught my already trapped breath. The fierce cold burned my exposed skin and I began convulsing in hot pain.

I heard faint crunching noises, he was in the snow moving quickly away from the public area. My body continued to seize, muscles clenching in angry protest growing hot with rage, then exhausted into release, only to be met with cold and forced to snap back. The unbearable cycle spread horrifying seconds out into an eternity, after half a minute I begged for death.

His persistent hand finally peeled from my face. I wanted to scream but my body took control and I choked aggressively as I was thrown to the ground. The moment my bare skin made contact with the frozen snow it revolted, jerking upward. I was forced down deeper into the depths of unbearable torture. Snow fell over my naked legs and arms, the thin fabric of my dress having no effect on my back.

I gasped for hair greedily, my head clearing slightly. I darted my eyes to the right and found a set of tires inches from my face. I turned to the left, more tires. There were tires everywhere… for as far as my eyes allowed. I was in the heart of a nightmarish maze formed of teenager's cars.

No one would be able to find us here.

As the devil crushed his heavy body onto mine my already limited air supply was forced out of my lungs. Pain was reigning in on me from every direction. I was blind. I could see nothing but white fog as a hot hand pulled the top of my dress down easily to my stomach exposing what was solely Edward's.

I forced a scream with all the waning power I had left but a mere squeak escaped my lips.

"Aww… That was cute." the monster teased as he kissed my struggling lips. I squirmed and twisted around every part of me that wasn't being pinned down. He growled then grabbed my hair and yanked down hard causing a shooting pain in my scalp. The motion caused my head to jerk backwards and he began attacking my neck. He was so rough my skin throbbed in sore ache before he finished.

My teeth chattered loudly and tears were crystallizing before they fell down off my red cheeks. My oddly blank mind scrambled to grasp for anything to get me out of this dire situation. Edward's velvety smooth voice dominated the walls of my panicked head.

"_I couldn't catch your scent, there were too many people, their scents threw me off." _

My heart dropped and my arms fell. Numbness took hold of me as all struggles ceased. No one would be coming to save me.

I lay still as a corpse as his scrappy hand reached under my dress and wiped over my stomach.

I felt nothing.

The white fog in my head began to dissipate, instead filling with the perfection of my Edward. I saw his liquid gold eyes twisting my insides with love. I saw him singing to me on our first date. I saw his full lips curl into a smile….

Twiggy fingers hooked on the waist of my panties and my heart punched inside of my ribs.

"No!" I begged desperately. All the panic was flooding back tenfold. My chest was exploding, my veins were on fire with dread. My tears were streaming quickly, covering my face in a thin sheet of moisture. "Please, NO!" It wasn't supposed to happen like this! Not with him!

His cold laugh drained the angry blood from my face. I shook violently and it had nothing to do the snow. He began tugging the material down but stopped all at once.

With a thunderous growling that shook the ground were I lay he was off of me. I gasped wildly for air ignoring the sharp pain it's coldness forced upon my lungs. I couldn't move. My brain wasn't working properly, I didn't understand what was happening.

I stared in shock at Edward's fierceness. He had thrown the man off me and pinned him to one of the concealing cars. His legs were crouched slightly and his face was positively ripping with savage loathe. His lips curled over his toothpaste commercial teeth with death looming in his blazing eyes.

My body started shaking again. I couldn't move, not even to cover myself up. My head spun overloading with emotion. I was dizzy. It was too much. I was shutting down.

"What are you waiting for rich boy?" The drawling voice of the demon snarled. "Aren't you going to avenge your little slut of a damsel in distress?" Growling, Edward's hand clenched harder around the man's throat. He was shaking now too.

"I can't punch you, you vile excuse for a man!" The smoothness in Edward's voice made my skin crawl, it was more threatening then any yell. "If I did I'd be sent to jail for life. They wouldn't be able to gather enough pieces to identify your pathetic body!"

_CRACK_!

A large russet fist made lethal contact with the mess of long black hair.

"Maybe you can't, Cullen. But I sure as hell can!", Jacob roared. He spit on the limp figure.

Edward let go and my attacker's body slumped unconsciously to the ground staining the pristine white snow bloody red.

"Well done, Jacob." Edward said without a glance in his direction. His torture crazed eyes were on my quivering exposed form. I stared at him with my limited amount of brain power. Edward had saved me again.

My Superman.

A huge brown form was over me. It draped me in a familiar large black blanket and scooped me up into its' warm chest. I instinctively curled up, pressing my numb fingers and nose into his heat. We began moving quickly back towards the house, but the darkness was already taking me. I didn't fight it. I was safe.

--

I felt the sore aching of my body before my mind reminded of it's cause.

Then I saw it.

I quaked in the warmth of my familiar bed. Fresh panic surged through my veins. My eyes flew open to find darkness looming thickly upon my bedroom. I heard a low humming and turned to see Jacob's space heater beside my bed switched to high, I smiled automatically.

"Bella." Edward's silky voice filled with relief and worry. He was at my side instantaneously grabbing my throbbing body into his own.

Screw the pain!

I hugged him back with all the passion in my heart and soul. My body pumped with the threat of an emotional breakdown. The amazing downpour of pleasure from Edward's presence, from his touch, was swirling everything together in my head. Good and bad. My throat dried and painfully squeezed into itself. The left over terror from my attacker broke through my sturdy barrier dragging along the suppressed heartbreak from our devastating fight. I was bursting with the unbearable pain, inside and out.

I sobbed uncontrollably, gasping for air and his sweet scent all at once, heavy tears soaking his shirt as he rocked me slowly.

"Everything is alright, Love. You're safe." He cooed softly into my ear. His body felt like it was molded for this specific purpose, to hold me. It filled up my gaps and relief bloomed in my broken heart. I was whole again.

"I know." I whispered. "You're here."

Edward pulled away slightly studying my face with a dark question shading his features. I didn't care what he was thinking. Let him mull over unanswerable inquiries.

"Bella, I'm sorry." It was now my face that twisted in inquisition.

"What are _you _sorry for?" I gawked in disbelief.

"Whatever you're going through, Bella. I shouldn't have pushed it." He looked deeply into my eyes stirring my soul. I looked down as fresh tears fell. He had no reason to apologize, but I let him continue. If this meant he was backing down, that we could go back to our surreal normal, then I would let him apologize. The guilt and pain his unnecessary words brought on were almost unbearable, but not having him next to me would be worse.

His hand pulled my chin back up. "But know this, Bella. I know there is something significant happening. I'm not delusional enough to look past that. It worries me sick to see you being torn so." He leaned in and buried his cold face in my bruised neck, his icy skin felt wonderful on the throbbing pain.

"I will be here and ready when you break. When whatever your hiding crawls out, when you can't push it away any longer. I will be here waiting." He laid us both down gently on the bed, his lips never moving from my skin.

His words were meaningless to me. An empty threat. He would be holding me, that's all I needed. He could wait forever, nothing was going to come crawling out from my depths. There would be no sudden breakdown. I was too strong.

**AN - **

**Last chapter I completely spaced! There are 4 songs - 1 Christmas Wrapping, by The Waitress, 2 Father Christmas, 3 Yule Shoot Your Eye Out, by The Fall Out Boys, and 4 Last Christmas. They are all (obviously) Christmas songs, but they also express Bella's not-so hot mood. So Go Check Them Out!!**

**Also! If you wish to view Bella's barley there party dress, surprise shoes, or any other staple from this story head over to my profile! You can find these, and many more under the Picture This section. ENJOY! (if you want to see how truly short the dress is click on the red one…. Wow!)**

This Chapter the songs are 1 Miss Murder, Edward's feeling of jelousy and torture durring the party, and 2 Paper Planes, JET's theme song. Yes, the major creeper was JET if you didn't figure that out.

REVIEW!!


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28:**

I woke up with a smile playing across my face despite the horrifying events of the previous night. Edward's arms were still wrapped around me in the exact position they were when I fell asleep. My eyes lifted to his face and he smiled toothily at me, the grin so large his balled up cheeks forced his honey eyes to squint. He leaned in and showered feather light ice kisses all over my sore face. My skin seared wildly everywhere his lips teased. I sighed in content and squeezed impossibly closer to his rocklike body.

My chest was busy with happiness, the delightful sensation swelling so rapidly it threatened to burst at the seems. I never wanted to move from this spot. I would spend my entire vacation here on my warm bed encased in Edward.

"I hated being away from you." His cold breath tickled my face. His affectionate whisper made me cringe. I didn't want to talk about the horrible incident, to think about it. I didn't want to go anywhere near that dangerous territory. It was too close to other off limit topics. My unease made me restless and I slowly rose into a sitting position.

Edward followed in sink with my movements and kissed my bare collar bone with passion, but somehow remaining gentle all the while. "God, I missed your divine smell." His words were breathless and I was jealous. I missed the way my insides quivered at the simplest of his looks, by the lightest graze of his fingers. Instead my face crumpled with a rush of awkward nerves. I had to stop him before my apprehension became too obvious. I held his large face in my hands and forced a near impossible smile.

"We're together now." I assured him. I took his hand and stood, leading him to the door. He pulled back hastily causing me to look up with puzzled eyes. Did he know I was lying? I've never been caught before…

The calmness that resided deep in his expression told me I was wrong. Confusion returned.

"What?"

"Charlie's home." He explained calmly. My eyes widened in surprise.

"What's he doing home?!" I racked my brain trying to remember what day it was. The end of term was Thursday, that made the party last night Friday. Saturday. Charlie should be in the middle of some abandoned lake with Billy by now.

"He wants to discuss something with you." My eyebrows squeezed together. What could possibly be so important to Charlie as to keep him from his favorite hobby?

My heart sank into the hallow of my stomach.

I looked up at Edward with panic crazed eyes. "Did my grades come in the mail?!" I took a large step away from the now threatening door. My arms wrapped around my shaking frame trying to force stillness.

Edward's lips twitched into the smile he was desperately trying to suppress before occupying them with kissing my forehead, at his touch the tensed muscles relaxed. "No.", he answered smoothly.

"Oh." breathed in relief. I wasn't ready for _that_ conversation.

Edward rested his hand on my shoulder and I watched his bronze eyebrow rocket skyward. "I didn't imagine you the type to be frightened so easily by their father." His devilish smirk was maddening. "You're so feisty with everyone else." He chuckled deeply and the vibrations shook through his hand and into my body like a deep tissue massage, the anger and embarrassment being detoxified by his humor. We smiled at each other in peace.

"Go talk to your father. I'll be back soon." He gently pulled my still connected hand in causing my body to follow then kissed my lips. "I love you."

Before I could return his words I was standing alone in the empty room.

--

I tried to mentally prepare myself for the looming conversation but was at a total loss. I couldn't think of anything Charlie would need to discuss with me. Especially something so important as to skip an entire Saturday of fishing. I sucked in a huge breath attempting to take in some bravery as well, then headed down the stairs.

I found Charlie sitting in his usual recliner watching an ancient hockey game. When he heard me walk into the room he pressed a button on the remote and the TV screen flicked off. "Bells. I've been waiting for you to get up."

"Oh yeah?" I asked. My face turned slightly red, it felt bizarre to know what Charlie was thinking, if only partially.

He took me by surprise as he stood up and walked across the room to where I waited in the limited shadows the sunny room provided. For some reason his sudden closeness made me uneasy, I took two steps backward. I didn't like being caught off guard, not being able to understand where my latest attack was coming from. I felt trapped and my breaths hitched, becoming labored and painful. My heart raced as I instinctively searched for the nearest exists. I had to be ready to run.

"Listen, kid." He paused and looked into my eyes almost confusedly. I loathed this suffocating ignorance. My body crouched ever so slightly, arms widening to quicken the possibly required getaway. I knew whatever this was it had to be something this important, Charlie never acted like this.

"I've noticed you looking a little tired lately. I don't ever say anything about it… but you've been looking real run down." He was struggling to get the right words out, his awkwardness making me increasingly nervous and my frightened eyes widen in anticipation.

"Charlie, finals are over. I'm fine now. Look at me!" I spread my arms to give him a better view, thankfully my hair was covering the bruising that bleed like spilt ink across my neck. I smiled brightly showing him I was happy, fully recovered from whatever he thought I was suffering with. His focused glare didn't stray away from my eyes.

"What do you want me to do?!" I demanded curtly. Familiar annoyance poisoning my veins at terrifying speeds. He was being stupid. Why did he need to start all this overprotective father business now? Why come down on me just as things were getting better?

"I'm already on vacation, how much more rest can I get?" Did he want me on a strict bed rest for two weeks? I smiled in my head…. I wouldn't mind being stuck in bed as long as Edward would be there to keep me company. My pleasant daydreams were rudely interrupted.

"I've talked to your mother about all this." My mind snapped back to focus with vengeance. How dare he go behind my back! My nostrils flared as a growl equaling Edward's ripped from my chest.

"WHAT?!" I shrieked. "Talked to her about _what_?! There's nothing to talk about!"

Charlie didn't look scared or timid anymore, his face hardened and he took a strong step forward.

"Your mom is worried about you too, Bella. She says you haven't been keeping in touch with her… that's not like you."

My mouth flung open in shock, I was fuming. Pure unadulterated rage blinded me from thought. My chest heaved in and out with panting breaths so quickly my head was growing light. My fists clenched white as I spun back around to stomp loudly up the stairs and away from his ridiculous accusations.

"I'm sending you to your mom. To L.A. for your break, Bella. You might as well pack, I'm driving you to the airport this afternoon." My heart stopped and my eyes tore open to an impossible size. I turned around eerily slow to look at Charlie, the flaming detest in my eyes racing through my veins painfully.

"You can say whatever you want, Bells. Your mother is worried sick, and I really think you could use the rest." His finality switched my unlabored rage into desperation.

"No! Please, Charlie! I want to rest here! I'll lay in bed for the entire time! I want to be with Jacob and the rest of my friends… I want to be with _you_ on Christmas!" I strategically threw in the last part, maybe Charlie was sentimental. I suddenly realized my hands had somehow come to grab Charlie's shoulders. I recognized the pity in his eyes and they fell to my sides.

"There's nothing that's going to change my mind, Kid. Sorry you're not happy about this, but you should really start packing." He walked away and lowered himself back into the seat flicking the TV on.

I didn't move an inch. I couldn't accept this. I didn't want to leave…

I never got the time to sit back and reflect, to think about my two whole free weeks of vacation until this very moment. From what little I saw, I would be missing out. Running with Jacob. Watching movies and joking around with Jasper and Emmett. Maybe I would even allow another shopping trip with Angela and Alice.

Mostly I saw Edward.

Our bodies tangled together under my sheets.

My heart cringed with a crippling torture. I already missed him.

Warm tears trickled down my scalding cheeks, I couldn't physically bear being away from Edward that long. I created a life here in Forks. I had friends, people who cared about me. People who loved me. L.A. was nothing more than a waist land of loneliness. Just thinking about the isolating city made me nauseas.

--

I wasted an entire hour shouting and shrieking in equal measure at the top of my lungs while stomping savagely around my room in hopes of two things, getting Charlie to cave, or if nothing else to annoy the living hell out of him. My face twisted into a scowl of detest.

A hand for a hand.

After I was certain he wouldn't be giving in to my tantrum I had no choice but to unwillingly surrender. I dragged a dusty suitcase out from under my bed and unceremoniously chucked armfuls of random clothing into it. I thoughtlessly grabbed heaps of material from my dresser, unhooked things from hangers and shoveled gobs of cloth from the wads piling up at the bottom of my closet. After the luggage was full I sat in front of my closet digging for running shoes in the ever growing blob of junk. The entire packing process took only twenty minutes.

Now I perch furiously on top of my massive luggage cross-legged with arms crossed tightly over my chest attempting to block out the disturbing image of Christmas morning in L.A.. I could see the terrors waiting for me there… Phil sipping a mug of coffee in nothing but a pair of holiday boxers. I shivered with the mere thought of it.

A quiet tapping sounded on the window pane from behind my back. I spun around quickly and found Edward's glorious face beaming at me through the frosted glass. My heart lifted immediately. I hopped up lightly and ran to the window, flinging it open with a smile to match his. He crawled inside and gathered me in his December-cold arms.

"We came to give you our gifts." He whispered as he kissed my cheek. My stomach twisted in desire in response to his proximity. I giggled but stopped short after contemplating his words.

"We?" I asked in vein. The very second the words leaked from my lips a mass of golden hair appeared in the still-open window. Jasper emerged followed closely by Alice then a struggling Emmett. It took me a minute to realize he was having trouble with the breathtaking beauty he was practically dragging through the window.

My mouth hung open in excitement. Pleasant energy zoomed in my veins causing me to bounce on the balls of my feet and clench my jaw shut in order to swallow yelps of happiness. All of a sudden I could relate to Alice.

I was unable to stop myself from buzzing with delight. So many of the people I cherish had come to say goodbye. I forced myself to stop hopping up and down… Alice would never let me live that down. It was too late, she noticed and giggled as she ran into my open arms. I hugged back with equal enthusiasm.

It was easy to grow annoyed with her somewhat overpowering personality when there was no threat of losing it, but right now I already missed her so I clutched on tighter. With an ironic twist in events Edward was forced to step in and peel me off of the spunky pixie.

"Thank you all so much for coming! I was scared I wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye." I cried. These people had no idea what they really meant to me, my family.

"Don't be ridiculous, Love. We all care about you too much for that to ever happen."

I smiled up into his alarming perfection, my heart actually hurt I was so happy. I pushed the thoughts of this all disappearing in an hour's time far from thought. I was going to enjoy as much time as was left.

Alice's heavy sigh caught my attention and I looked back at her. "Merry Christmas, Bella!" She squealed as she shoved a box wrapped in gold foil at me. I crinkled my nose, receiving gifts was never my forte'. It made me uncomfortable to think of someone spending unnecessary money on me.

"You really shouldn't have, Ali-", she cut me off with a high whimper and tortured bulging eyes.

"I think you should hurry up and open that before she blow a gasket!" Emmett warned in a tone so serious it made me laugh laughed.

I swept my finger under the wrapping ripping it away, then opened the shiny black box inside. When I pulled the tissue paper away I found the black bikini I loved so much from shopping boot camp. I sucked in a sharp breath in disbelief. It was just as beautiful as I remembered.

"Alice, thank you!" I grinned and flung my arms around her once more.

"I know! How perfect is it?! Just in time for California!" she giggled shrilly with pride.

Jasper pulled her away, then with his free hand held out another small box to me. "This is from Emmett, Rose, and I."

I took the box and dared a quick glance at a frowning Rosalie. She huffed and rolled her eyes leaving me with the impression she had very little to do with the box in my hands.

I snatched the paper off then gasped in disbelief. "Oh my god! Guys, this is way too much!" I tried to shove the gift back into Jasper's hands but he wasn't having it.

"We know you like to go running.", Jasper explained. "We thought you might like to have something to listen to besides Jacob." I smiled at the tiny blue mp3 player in my palm. It was such a thoughtful gift.

"Thank you so much. I love it!" I ran and hugged Jasper, then tried to do the same to Emmett. I only reached his mid-torso. He boomed with laughter at my inadequacies, then picked me up into a bear hug. My heart was soaring, I would never be happier then right now with my brothers and sisters. This is what my life was meant to be, I was destined to be surrounded by their love. This is where I belonged.

"Careful!", Edward warned his burly brother edgily. Emmett eased up on his grip and set me down.

"Well, we should get going." Jasper sighed as he patted my shoulder. "Have a Merry Christmas, Bella." He hugged me loosely then shifted toward the window.

Alice kissed both my cheek and squeeze me tightly in her twiggy arms. "Wear that bikini with heels, NOT flip-flops!" She blurted randomly. I frowned at the thought of stumbling around a sandy beach in heels. She squeezed me tighter, "I mean it, Bella! You might as well wear a one piece if you're not-" Jasper's hand grabbed hers and yanked her out the window in a quick flash of blonde.

"Bye, Bella." Rosalie called out only after she had already disappeared from view. I shrugged, it was the warmest reception I've ever received from her. Maybe we were making progress.

Emmett strutted over to where I stood with exaggerated swagger. Then lifted his plate sized hands and took my shoulders. A cocky grin tugged at his lips, "Look, Bella. I didn't want to say this in front of Rose and everyone, but I know how attracted to me you were last night." My mouth popped open. Was he being serious?! …I honestly couldn't tell.

"I uploaded some pictures of me modeling my tights onto your mp3." He bent down to my eyelevel and winked, "Merry Christmas!", he whispered then kissed my still dumbfounded face.

Edward sighed exasperatedly slapping a hand to his face in embarrassment. I turned to him after Emmett's large form was lost. His eyes were set in the ceiling clearly fed up.

I involuntarily giggled in the after shock that was Emmett. I had never met anyone like him before, and was so thankful for having him and all of the Cullens in my life. Edward parted his ring and middle finger that concealed his face creating a slight gap too peer out through. His dark eyes were questioning, but after a very short moment his hand dropped revealing to me his deliciously crooked grin.

"Are you leaving too?" I breathed praying he would never go.

He moved over to me in all his grace stopping to wrap his arms around me. "Yes, in a little while I will be leaving as well." He leaned down and pressed his face into the softness of my neck. I pushed my head down onto his willing our bodies to somehow fuse together. Tears of foreboding drenched his shiny hair, my chest heaving with the looming loss.

I reached my arms around his chest to pull him closer to me. As my hands slid around his back I was surprised at the lack of cold emanating from him. His thick sweater was so full if I hadn't already known about his skin's odd temperature I would never have guessed.

He pulled away and smiled forcefully. "I want to give you my Christmas gift before I go.".

My brows furrowed in curiosity. He wasn't holding any bags or boxes. "You don't have to give me anything, Edward. You're the most I could ever ask for." I meant every word as I kissed his bottom lip with a little more force then he would have me. When I pulled back he was now sporting the cocky grin that Emmett had seemingly left behind.

The difference was breathtaking, it was a hundred times more miraculous on Edward's crooked lips.

He curled his fingers around the hem on the bottom of his sweater and then yanked it up, off his chest.

I gasped, "Oh my _GOD_, Edward! That's what you're giving me?…" My heart raced in excitement and nerves. I had never done this before, I had no idea what to do. What if I was horrible? What if he took one look at my body and decided this whole relationship was a joke?

"Don't be absurd, Bella.", Edward warned through the material covering his face.

I stood watching him strip in confusion. Once his sweater was completely off my not understanding only deepened. He was wearing another sweater. Why would he wear two sweaters? As far as I know the undead are unaffected by temperature.

Edward made quick work of removing the second layer, and I found yet another sweater hidden underneath.

"Edward, why -" He cut me off with a held out hands just like Jacob does. He pulled the last sweater off and then picked all three garments up from the floor. I watched silently as he walked to my bed and folded them each with the perfection of a boutique employee. He lifted the small pile then crouched down next to my suitcase.

I walked over and sat on the corner of my bed to allow myself a better view as Edward unzipped the luggage. He lifted the top and smirked raising his right eyebrow.

"You're not one for folding I see." I blushed remembering the hissy-fit that caused the bomb of a wordrobe residing in my bag. He continued to search for something unknown. He stopped abruptly pulling out a lump of grey and familiar fabric.

He held his old hoodie that I adopted as my favorite pajamas. The lovely sweater made me smile. So many good memories flooded into view.

Edward folded the spotted grey sweater and placed it on top of the mess along with the three new sweaters. He turned his head and smiled, passion blazing in his golden eyes.

"Merry Christmas, Bella. I figured you could use a greater variety of choice in your bedclothes."

**AN - I KNOW, I KNOW!! **

**It's been FOREVER! Believe me ****I know!! I told you guys I would never forget about this story and I never will… but I hope you can all understand the situation I am in. I am taking A LOT of classes this semester and my homework level is crazy. Hopefully A gap in UD's of that proportion will never occur again, but if it does remember I will NEVER just stop writing this (unless the story is over…)**

**As of right now I don't know what the songs are going to be for this chapter and I don't want to waist time thinking about it. I will have songs by tomorrow… err… later today. I'll list them in the AN for next chapter. **

**Umm…. Yeah, so…. Sorry about the wait! I hope you enjoy this very long (sorry if there are more mistakes then usual) chapter!**

**Bella is acting all bratty to Charlie - 1, because she's pissed, and 2, because starvation makes you irritable. **

**When I get pissed I throw shit around like that too, hehe!**

**How cut was it that The Cullen kids all came to say good bye?! HEHE… Emmett and his sexy ass tights! OH YEAH! Who wouldn't want those images on their ipod?! **

**OMG - The sweaters ….. (swoons)**


	29. Chapter 29

**THE LONGEST CHAPTER EVER!!**

**Is it long enough for you yet B?!**

**Chapter 29:**

I watched with bored eyes as everyone around me pushed and shoved past, practically running through the long hallway of Los Angeles International Airport. It was easy to see they were all excited to be here. Probably eager to reunite with friends and family, have a wonderful holiday in the glamorous city of lights.

I alone knew the truth., how cold this place truly was. It deceitfully hid it's nature behind a blazing sun, but it's heart was ice. It cared nothing for you. It would take steal your soul before it grew satisfied.

It already had mine.

My feet dragged almost ridiculously slow. I was in no rush to be farther from Edward then I already was. When at last I reached the gateway that met the buzzing terminal I was alone. The last passenger from my flight even though I was one of the first to exit the plane.

I immediately spotted Renee. How could anyone miss her? She was wearing a hot pink sun dress, the bright color burned my eyes. It was the dead of winter in Forks, I was used to drabber shades. I knew at once I would have to quickly adjust. It was a balmy eighty seven degrees here, a palm tree Christmas.

I sighed and hitched the carry-on more securely over my parka covered shoulder. Before I started towards Renee I concentrated on forcing my facial muscles into a convincing smile. I couldn't forget the whole reason for this miserable trip, I had to convince her there was nothing wrong.

Lighthearted appearance in place I began to approach my mother. Her smiling eyes floated right over me and continued looking at the crowds of people dispersing from my flight. My face twitched with disbelief and confusion. Did my own mother forget what I look like in only four months time? Was she that distracted with her new life? I waved an offended hand around dramatically to grab her flakey attention.

I smiled with relief as she stood up from her metal chair. My heart dropped when she turned her head still in search of her seemingly absent daughter. I huffed in agitation and stomped across the busy terminal.

"Hi, Mom!" I shouted loudly finally grabbing her attention. She smiled at my voice before her eyes met mine. When her head turned down to look at me in she gasped in horror, I obviously wasn't what she had been expecting.

My stomach churned aggressively warning me to run, to get out of this situation before I no longer had the option. I peered over my shoulder at the gate I just came through…

It was too late. I was already trapped with no where to hide. My heart speed in fear as head clouded over.

Renee grabbed my shoulders so hard it hurt, "Bella, what happened to you, Sweetie?!" I turned back to her worried face with no answer. She ran her warm hand over my cheek and her face fell even deeper. Her fingers lingered on the sharp angle of my protruding cheekbone.

Her concerned touch made me sick. I felt the panic curdling my cold blood numb over instinctively in response. My face relaxed into a blank expression as I stepped out from my mothers grasp.

"I was sick." I explained casually, "Really sick. I lost some weight." I pulled the unnecessary hood of Jacob's parka over my head to conceal the evidence. No one had the right to look at me like this, judging me. Who was she anyway? She was not without fault, far from it. She caught my hand before the hood was all the way up. She traced the stringy tendons that flexed boldly on the back of my hand whenever I moved my fingers. I smiled warmly at them while a she looked outright disgusted. I pulled my hand back in and marched off to find my luggage.

--

It took the entire car ride plus a half hour of unpacking to throw Renee even slightly off my trail. By the time I was settled back into my original home I had finally gotten her to stop ex-raying me with her eyes, but I would still catch her sneaking disbelieving glimpses of me every couple of minutes. We sat on the couch in front of a blank television not saying a word. Her face was tense. I wouldn't let myself worry about what her thoughts might entail, that would exhaust me too quickly. I was relaxed and about to doze off when a loud noise snapped me out of my daydreams.

Renee jumped up, her expression finally shifted to one of joy and brightness. "Phil!"

I rolled my eyes and remained in my lax position. His round face popped into the hallway connecting the living room to the kitchen, shortly followed by his body. Renee skipped over to him as if she couldn't bear to wait the three seconds it would have taken for him to walk to up to her.

"Hi, Baby." He kissed my mother on the cheek as his eyes fell on me.

"Hey, Bella! Long time no see, eh?" He dropped his gym bag on the floor and practically pulled my arm out from it's socket as he yanked me into a standing position.

"Sure, Sure." I mumbled as I rubbed my now throbbing joint.

"Well it's good to see you! Are you excited to be back in glorious L.A. for the holidays?! It's a lot more exciting then dead old Forks ain't it?" He beamed at me then Renee. I stared at him in with no more enthusiasm then hardly detectable raised eyebrows.

He looked me up and down quickly. "Something's different about you, Sport. You look changed somehow. Did you dye your hair or something?" I sensed Renee stiffen in his arms and forced my eyes to remain on Phil's red face. I shook my head quickly eager to change the subject.

"Ahh, well, you look good anyway! I guess the rain agrees with you." His pinched the fabric of Jacob's parka that still draped over me and chuckled. "We don't have winter here, you could have left the Eskimo gear back home." I allowed my un-amused lips to turn up.

"Right." I unzipped the jacket and let it fall down my back without ever letting go of the precious material. I hugged it tightly to my chest, it had become more of a security blanket. The parka reminded me I always had a safety, I would always have somewhere I could hide.

"I'm really tired, guys. I think I need to catch up on some sleep." I waved my hand flamboyantly in the direction of my old room. The minute I said the words I could feel the truth in them. My head was heavy and my energy was running out. I would have to sit in the next couple of minutes and I would rather it be on a nice warm bed.

"Are you sure? We were going to go out tonight, celebrate your arrival." Phil's face saddened only slightly. "I guess we can go tomorrow if you're really that tired."

"Oh, no. You guys go. I'll be fine. I'm just going to sleep the whole time anyway. We can all go out some other time, I will be here for a while."

Renee looked at me appraisingly. "You sure, Sweetie? I don't want to leave you all alone on your first night back."

I laughed genuinely. "Mom, I only moved away like four months ago. It's not like this is my first time in L.A.. I _think_ I can handle it." I added sarcastically, sounding too much like the cliché of a teenage girl.

"She's right, Babe. Sport here is old enough to be let alone." I smiled at Phil's confidence in me. Maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought.

Though I wouldn't mind him dropping the whole _Sport _nickname.

I turned and walked lazily to my bedroom. It was odd to see it after so long. It was if my memories of the room had suddenly materialized. Everything sat exactly the same as I left it, nothing moved even fractionally out of place.

I stopped in front of my dresser curious to see what resided in the drawers. I closed my eyes trying to remember what I'd left behind. It had been less then half a year, but the gap felt like a lifetime. I gave up and pulled on the dark wood handle.

My face lit as I found a small stack of neatly folded t-shirts resting next to a pile of neatly folded cut offs. Of course… a light laugh escaped me. The second I saw my old clothes I remembered leaving my warm weather wardrobe here for visits. I knew I wouldn't need them in Forks, but I could always use an extra t-shirt in L.A..

I picked the first T up and pressed it to my face. The smell surrounded me and my heart ached. I hated L.A., that would never change, but I couldn't ignore the flood of happy childhood memories this familiar scent sent upon me. The feeling of safety and security that comforted me so long ago now tore at my soul. Tears welled up in my eyes then fell freely down my face.

I would trade anything I had, _everything _I had for that long forgotten freedom. The capability of surrendering to the slightest of whims. I felt heavy all of a sudden, like I was being weighed down by something I couldn't carry alone. I was loosing control. My soul was being overpowered, I was becoming lost into a darkness impossible to penetrate.

A darkness I had ignorantly mistaken for light.

I had no defense from this invincible force, I would lose.

Soon I would be buried.

I let my knees give way and slid down onto the hard floor. I crawled into a tight ball, my hands clenching both Jacob's parka and the old shirt tightly to my chest.

I lay mourning over my own life.

I saw the shadow of a girl smiling, _truly _smiling. She was simple but pretty all the same. Her cheeks glowed with the radiance only a child could produce. The girl skipped contently down a familiar dirt path and into the delightfully cool water of a small lake.

"Careful, Sweetie!", called her mother.

The little girl giggled and waved before diving fully into the water's depths. She splashed and played for hours, only trudging away after the sun set in obedience to her mother's pleading. She laughed and twirled around as she led the way back, her sundress fanning out around her making her beam. The simplest things brought her such immense pleasure. Before long the girl grew tired and was scooped up. Her eyes closed with ease in her mother's warm embrace. Her thoughts were uninhibited. Nothing scary loomed in the corners of dreams. No darkness seeped from deep inside. She was pure, innocent, and lovely.

She was dead.

--

My head throbbed as my eyes opened to find daylight so bright my corneas singed in pain. I sucked in a sharp breath and snapped my eyes shut. I grimacing with the unpleasant sensation of hangover I hadn't earned. I grabbed my tender head and sat up slowly, trying not to cause anymore damage. I could feel the impression left on the skin of the side of my face by the wood's grain. I opened my eyes slowly this time allowing them to adjust to the blazing L.A. sun.

It took a minute to take in my surroundings. I was still huddled up in front of the dresser. My bed taunted me across the room undisturbed and perfect. I sighed at the sore muscles in my back and neck as I stood up carefully. After stretching out the worst of the knots I walked over to the night stand and grabbed my old alarm clock. It's tiny hands indicated it was already early afternoon.

Normally I would have been upset at myself for sleeping away so much of the day, but I was on vacation. I had loads of free time to waist. I grabbed up a t-shirt and a pair of cut offs from my dresser and headed toward the bathroom to take a much needed shower.

--

After I was clean and dry I slipped on my old clothes and laughed when the once fitted shirt hung loose and the shorts simply fell down my legs. I pulled them up for the second time and held them at my waist long enough to make it back to my room. I dug up a pair of cotton shorts from years ago that looked closer to my size and yanked them on.

"Did you sleep well, Sweetie?" Renee's voice sounded from my doorway. I turned my head in her direction and smiled.

"Yeah, just like old times." I lied. She was leaning against the far wall casually with her arms crossed over her chest. The same way I stood while at perfect ease. Her eyes, however, kept darting toward my legs, her expression dancing between pseudo relaxation and intense disturbance.

I sighed dramatically and waved my arm in the air as if to call off her stupid worried thoughts. "What do you want, Renee?", I breathed in a distracted fashion. I pretended to dig for something in the mess of clothes filling my suitcase.

I wasn't really looking for anything, I wasn't really distracted. I was completely focused on her observant eyes, her dead on accusations. My heart pounded in my ears. For a split second I almost looked up into her loving eyes and begged my mom for help, for protection.

I bit my tongue until bleed punishing myself with revolting disgust.

"I just wanted to see if you had any plans today." She added timidly. I sighed regretting my rudeness. I forced a fake smiled and walked over to her.

"No, not really. I wouldn't mind doing something outside. I really miss the sun." She beamed and stood up straight.

"We can go to the pier! Do you remember how much fun we used to have on all those kiddy rides? Maybe we can lay out too… if you want to. " Her eyes gleamed with excitement that almost carried over to me.

"Sure, Renee. I'd love a day on the boardwalk. Let me get my suit on."

--

We spent a couple of hours at the pier laughing at ourselves as we squished into too-small airplanes rides and rode pink unicorns on the carousel. It felt good to laugh in the sunshine. I was reminded of my old self, it was like a breath of refreshment. Renee insisted we eat at the pavilion. I didn't let the possible arguments torment me. I wanted this day to be relaxed so we sat at our usual table outside in the now suffocating heat.

When it was time to order I made a show of getting a burger, fries, and a side salad. This made Renee's already jubilant mood lift. Little did she know of the deception I had mastered in her absence. This would be all too easy. There was no reason for anything to disturb our fun.

We ate and Renee buzzed about her new life with Phil. How she has never been so happy, and everyday is like a dream, etc. There were definitely points where I wanted to roll my eyes, but mostly I was happy for her.

It was like clockwork, Renee would always grin and look up at the sky in a daydream whenever she started to describe something "cute" Phil does. As soon as I saw her eyes drifted up I grabbed handfuls of fries or torn parts of my burger and shove them into my tote that rested on my lap. In between these power plays I nibbled on lettuce and gulped down glasses of water.

After our plates were more then halfway empty and I had downed my forth glass Renee laughed, "Thirsty, Sweetie?" I smiled innocently at my easily distracted mother.

"Yeah, it's just so hot. It's probably around sixteen degrees in Forks right now!" I laughed thinking about poor Jacob in his dinky garage.

"Well what do you say we get some color on you? You look like you've been dead two weeks you're so pale!" She laughed at her little joke as my heart withered. I missed Edward desperately. I would gladly glow in the dark for the rest of my life as long as he was there to hold my hand.

We paid then took our time walking the two sections of boardwalk until we reached the public beach. She handed me a seasonal badge to clip on my bag letting the lifeguards know we paid and then hurried down the steps to meet the sand.

The breeze hit me first, the salty air was thick with moisture. It made my skin sticky and wind swept sand clung onto my lower calves. Seconds later I whined as my feet burned unbearably on the dry hot sand. I tried to use only my tip-toes and spare the rest but this was of no help. I had no choice but to yelp as I sprinted the whole way down to where the ocean's water cooled the scorching ground.

Renee laughed at my display, "You've forgotten the way of the beach so quickly?" I made a pretend face at her as I eased my feet with the lukewarm water and she laughed again. We set ourselves up a couple feet away from the wet sand line. Renee sat in a large beach chair and I spread out a giant towel to lay on. I almost took my shirt off but thought better of it, instead pulling out my new MP3 and slipped the buds into my ears.

I could feel unknown tension rolling off me in waves. The pressure of finals, the sick of Edward's fight, the terror from the Christmas party, it all dissolved allowing pleasing serenity to fill me. The hot sand burned my back through the thick towel, but it felt nice. My front covered in sweat from the city's heat, but it was soothing. I knew I could belong here too. It was nice to know I could always visit this place.

A loud ringing snapped me out from my trance. I pulled the ear buds out and turned my sweaty face over to Renee. She looked serious as she questioned whoever was on the other line. She agreed to something and then hung up abruptly.

"Sweetie, would you mind terribly if I left you here? I could take you home instead if you want. It's just that Phil seems to think this game he's coaching is going to be important for some reason. He wants me there. You could come too…"

"NO! No, it's ok, Mom. You go, have fun. I'm enjoying this way too much. I'll stay." She folded up her chair and kissed my forehead before trudging awkwardly to the boardwalk.

I waited until she was completely out of sight before I moved. When I was in the clear I stood and ripped off my soaked shirt and shorts. The conflicting coolness from the breeze off the ocean made my wet skin litter with goose bumps. I looked down and smiled at the black bathing suit, I was filled with thoughts of Alice.

I tried to clear my head as I dumped the greasy burger bits and mashed up fries out of my bag and into a nearby garbage can. As I was made my way back down to where my towel lay a shrill scream caught my attention. I automatically looked up, then relaxed a second later. It was nothing more then a girl playing around in the water. I threw my bag down next to the towel and folded my arms to my chest as I stood and observed the girl.

She was beautiful, her looks could easily rival Rosalie's. Her tan skin and the obvious fact she was lacked severely in the sparkling department however, were strong indicators she was indeed fully alive. Her white bandeau bikini set off her dark skin just as mine did in reverse. Her long sun bleached hair danced around in the breeze.

Something about her captivated me. Her smile radiated just as the small girl's from my memory. She galloped around with such freedom and whimsy that my stomach knotted in jealousy. I watched as she ran back and forth in the surf trying to get away from her equally gorgeous red headed friend. At one point her face looked up at me and I smiled. She hardly took notice turning back to her friend.

A couple minutes later they headed back to wherever they had set up. I plopped down and spread out over the towel for another round of sun. Shortly after my eyes closed a sudden shadow covered my body. I looked up to find the two beauties standing directly in front of me. They caught me by surprise and I jumped up in a defensive position.

"Where do you come from?" The tall blond asked casually through a thick accent. My face twisted with total loss.

"Forks." I answered honestly, not understanding why that was at all relevant. Both girls smiled at me like I was stupid.

The red haired girl shook her head, "No what _agency _do you come from?" Her words also twisted and emphasized in the wrong places, but her accent was different from the first girl's. I recognized it.

They both stared expectantly. My mind raced to uncover the meaning of their questions but I found nothing. I stared back with an open mouth.

"I…. I, I don't think I understand." The words were a mouthful.

The blonde smiled widely and grabbed my shoulder gently. "What modeling agency do you represent?" She asked slowly. I burst out laughing at the seriously mistaken set.

"I'm not a model!" I choked out through fits of giggles. They looked at me and frowned.

"You're not?" The red head asked almost angrily. "You should be. You have the body." I looked down at her words taking in my bare stomach. It _was _similar to these girls standing before me. Were they like me? Did they understand?…

"We're sorry. You see, there is a very large campaign sighing this week and every agency in the country has flown clients over to try and get them booked. We just assumed that you were one of us." I smiled awkwardly at the blonde and nodded my head. "My name is Myrun and this is my good friend Cleona."

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Bella. Both your names are lovely." I added without thinking. I've never heard anyone with names so pretty. They matched their owners and it only made sense these girls were models. Cleona tucked a strand of curly thick strawberry hair behind a delicate ear and her bright green eyes smiled on me.

"Myrun is from Norweigh and I am form Ireland. We get moved all around the world." She laughed and the it's chime reminded me once again of Alice. "And I think Bella is a gorgeous name."

"Thank you." My face burned red. "I'm sorry, but I should really get home." I lied. I liked these girls immediate acceptance of my body almost less then everyone else's outrage. Their complimentary seizing up make me feel awkward, like I was naked. I pulled my towel up and shoved it deep into my bag.

"It was nice to meet you Cleona and Myrun." I waved and they returned it as I turned and burnt my feet on the baking sand.

--

I was soaking wet by the time I reached the house. The sun was beginning to deepen in the sky but it brought no relief from the heat. I ripped my shirt off halfway through the trip only because I knew Renee was far gone. I yanked the front door open and sighed in relief at the heavenly refrigerated air that poured over me. It took me a short three seconds to get to the kitchen and fill a tall glass with water.

I inhaled the first glass, then drank the second down slower as my body began to cool. By the time I was finished I was covered in goose bumps again. I decided to take another shower as I noticed sand still clinging to my legs.

I climbed out of the chair and headed upstairs.

--

It took me twice the time of a usual shower to completely rid my hair from the bucket load of sand. When I was finally satisfied I stepped out and my eye caught on my body's reflection in the full mirror opposite me. My skin had become two toned in the single afternoon of sun exposure. I ran my finger along the edge of my pale skin taking the precise shape of Alice's bikini where it met a warmer tone. Years of sun had trained my skin to darken instantly. How much darker would I be after two weeks?

I looked past my skin's color and studied the way my hip bones jutted out foremost on my body. I slid my index fingers along the sharp edges and their prominence soothed me greater then any tranquilizer ever could. The pockets of fat were still clearly visible especially on my stomach and arms, but they were growing smaller more quickly as of recent.

I laughed to myself remembering the two girls from the beach. They had mistaken me for a model solely on the sight of my body. I used to think models were perfect. No fat, completely flawless and in shape. Now I could see more clearly that they too were human. Even the two girls could greatly benefit from a little weight loss. Their arms were cushioned with a visible layer of fat, as were their legs and stomachs.

I felt proud knowing I had a one up on these supposed icons of beauty. No one could touch me here, not on my lonely pedestal. I was the relentless sole judge of myself and right now I was being pleased.

I dried lightheartedly and threw on a white tank top and a pair of navy Sophie shorts. My bare feet slapped against the hard wood floors as I made my way across the hall and into the bedroom. After throwing my dirty clothes into a laundry basket I hopped into bed and smiled at the familiar squishiness of the mattress. I hadn't been aware I missed my bed. The one in Forks was fine, but this was _my _bed. The bed I had slept in my entire life.

The room glowed with an odd purple-orange tinge. It cast distortedly exaggerated shadows all along the far wall, this could have been quite eerie if I hadn't known it so well. The L.A. twilight, it's peacefulness only added to my tranquility. I breathed in deeply and picked up an old book I had read at lest five times.

After a couple of pages I was completely absorbed with the memorized story.

When a cold hand grabbed my ankle I threw the book away in terror and yelled helplessly as my heart exploded in my chest.

"Shhh…. It's only me, Bella."

--

**AN - oh yeah… that appears to be a cliffy... Sorry, hehe! **

**Ok this chapter was super long (more then twice my usual length!), but I didn't want to break it up. So lucky you! What do you guys think? Bella's return is one of bitter sweetness. She is reminded of life before her sicknesses, and the little things that Forks can never give her. **

**The song for this chapter is Crawling, by Linkin Park. It's creepy how the lyrics are exactly how Bella is feeling… like EXACTLY… weird… are these guys anorexic too?!**

**Disturbia, by Riana… I mean come on. A song about going crazy in the city of wonder?… how could I _not _use this?! Besides, in the end she begs for help… just like Bella wishes she could.**

**Also - Under The Sun, by Sugar Ray. This song is special because it's captures so much of Bella's conflicting emotions - Her longing for her childish innocence, her memories of life in L.A. with her mother when she was happy, and her constant thoughts of Edward. **

**I really urge you all to go to my profile and listen. - They really let you in to Bella's confusion in a weirdly accurate way… Val listen to these songs when you get a chance, I wanna' know what you think. **

**Last chapter's song is Better, by Regina Spektor ( I know there are a lot of Regina fans out there, lol) It shows how Edward is always trying to comfort Bella and hear her (even when he has no idea what he's dealing with). He only wants to make everything better for her. **

**So what do you guys think?… **

**REVIEW!! **


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30:**

The room glowed with an odd purple-orange tinge. It cast distortedly exaggerated shadows all along the far wall, this could have been quite eerie if I hadn't known it so well. The L.A. twilight, it's peacefulness only added to my tranquility. I breathed in deeply and picked up an old book I had read at lest five times.

After a couple of pages I was completely absorbed with the memorized story.

When a cold hand grabbed my ankle I threw the book away in terror and yelled helplessly as my heart exploded in my chest.

"Shhh…. It's only me, Bella."

The panic surging through me wrapped it's powerful hands around my chest and squeezed tightly. I gasped desperately for breath with no avail. My head spun and my vision blurred with the lack of oxygen. I threw my hand over the delicate bones protecting my heart willing it to work properly, to slow and allow me life.

Through the darkness that swirled before me two glowing orbs of liquid gold became the medicine my failing heart craved. It's beet slowly diminished back in reach of a healthy rhythm. My lungs filled with air and my head began to clear.

I desperately pulled a folded throw atop my overly bear body with a nervous jerk careful to hide away my secrets.

"Edward." I breathed loudly.

"My love.", he smiled. "I've frightened you again…"

My hands found his body without pausing to think about their actions. They snaked around his chest and I held to his form with all the passion and love our separation had me filled with. Reasoning came only secondarily, but it eventually bubbled into insufferable curiosity.

"What are you doing here?" I asked pulling away from him, careful not to disconnect our bodies entirely. My hands laid atop his large forearms as he now sat so close our legs touched.

"I asked myself the same question in Forks. What am I doing anywhere without you?"

I smiled with all the love his words brought to me.

Just as sudden as his appearance, it dawned on Edward was here, in _LA_. He was with me in my home, the place I had been raised. This was the residence of all my memories, of the roots to my heart. I wanted nothing more then to share this vast part of me with him. I felt like there was so little I _could _share. It would be a relief to let him in close for once.

My body surged with radical excitement, "I'm really glad you're here Edward." I squeezed his hand to reinforce my words. "Would you like me to show you around?"

I jumped up before he answered clutching the blanket tightly around my body. He looked at my fumbling hands with humored curiosity. I giggled nervously, "Hold on a second, I got cold." His eyes fell guiltily as he took several steps back. I could have corrected him, made it clear this was not his doing, but the excuse was too convenient. It burnt me to allow his self blaming to continue but it was a necessary bullet, the explanation too perfect.

"I'll just change into something warmer…" I was already at the bulging suit case and smiled when he turned away acting the perfect gentleman. His Christmas gifts skewed in every direction. I grabbed the closest one, a deep forest green then a pair of baggy grey sweats and pulled them on quickly over the clothes I was already wearing. I looked down with a speedy assessment, the material hung loosely of my frame revealing nothing.

I hurried back over and took his frigid hand in mine. "Let's go."

We walked in unison through my old inviting home until we reached the front door. "It's dark enough right?" I asked. He turned smiling warmly and nodded.

--

We strolled slowly down the now cool sand of LA public beach. I had walked this earth countless times before. The sheer availability of the place blinded me from it's true greatness. Hand in hand with Edward I had been awoken. I saw everything through clear eyes. The unpolluted night sky glittered with millions of tiny stars and glowed with the memorizing pulse of the moon. The waves pounded on the shore that lay feet away from our naked toes. Palms rustled with the calming of a baby's rattle above our heads.

The overpowering emotion inside of me was unfamiliar but not completely unwelcome. I closed my eyes trying desperately to lock this moment up inside my memory forever. This would be the closest to heaven earth could ever come. I knew the ecstasy wouldn't last forever.

Edward stopped walking to study the milky stars and we stood still. My eyes were pinched closed, fingers intertwined between another frozen set. I listened to the beat of the ocean keep time with the rhythm of my steady heart. Insects chirped in the far distance creating a lullaby I had fallen asleep to every night of my childhood. It's magic continued to work, my head began to throb with the recently too loud ocean. I felt dizzy… needing to steady myself against Edward's rock hard arm. I leaned into his strength and he pulled me closer with a single movement of his arm.

"Let's sit." I suggested trying hard not to sound like begging. He would worry if he knew how quickly I had begun to exhaust. He complied and pulled me down into his lap. The sand would have been softer, conforming to my every curve, but this was exactly where I wanted to be. I snuggled in close and the night's dark took me before I was aware.

--

I parted my eyes slowly taking in the blazing sun that pressed heavily upon my face. Day two in LA and already I woke for the second time disoriented and confused by my where-abouts. Yet I was well rested and comfortable, more revitalized than I had been in months. No pain pinched my back or any other group of muscles into uncomfortable stiffness. I sat up becoming more intrigued and suddenly knew all at once I had slept in my bed where I belonged. My room was empty, I was alone.

"Edward?" I whispered, knowing he would be able to hear me. I stood perfectly still waiting for a response that never came. I guessed he was hunting or hiding from the brutal sunshine and hopped down from my bed.

As I washed and dressed into another set of baggy sweats my face was tight with an unwavering smirk. The smirk only Edward had the power to etch upon my too often solemn expression. As I made my way down the stairs into the living room I couldn't help the giggles escaping my permanently turned up lips.

"What's so funny, Sweetie?" Renee asked from the couch.

"Nothing, I-" I gasped and had to hold on to the railing in order to prevent myself from falling down the stairs in shock. My thoughts raced trying to make sense of this disturbing situation.

My mother sat, tea in hand on the couch- directly across from _Edward Cullen._

"Edward!" I looked at his calm grin, then over to my mother's curious observing eyes.

"Honey, what's wrong?" I looked between the strange pair twice again before I swallowed my heart back down my throat and back to where it belonged. I straightened myself out and still clutching the banister made my way down the rest of the steps.

"Nothings wrong, Edward just surprised me…" I turned and sent him my best 'are you crazy?!' look. He smiled with cocky knowing.

"That was the point, Love." He purred. He stood and took my hand from behind. "Merry Christmas Eve." He kissed my cheek chastely for my mothers sake. My head buzzed… _Was it really Christmas Eve? How could I not know that?…_

He pulled me down to sit beside him and the three of us talked more comfortably then I would have imagined possible. I reassured Renee about my happiness in Forks, and Renee continued to gush about her relationship with Phil. The morning melted away in a pleasant haze.

Renee stood hours later apologizing for having to meet Phil at some kind of baseball team holiday party. Her departure didn't upset me, I thought only of the large amount of time Edward and I would have together.

Together. Together on Christmas… My heart sung.

--

After Renee left Edward stood. "Your mother is lovely, Bella. Her smile is just as bright as yours." His complement of my mother felt like he had just praised me, I smiled in thanks.

"What would you like to do today?" I asked airily. It didn't matter what we did. I would be content staying in this exact position as long as Edward sat next to me.

"I would love to see your home, see where you grew up, know more about you. I'm very curious about your life before Forks." He held his hand out waiting.

"Umm.. There's not a lot to see." I warned him. It was true. I didn't mind his curiosity but this house was exceptionally boring. He only smiled and wiggled his fingers impatiently.

I shrugged, "Ok, but I warned you."

--

I pulled Edward through the kitchen, living, dining room and hallway explaining this and that, pausing several times to elaborate on a menial object that anyone besides myself or Renee would have overlooked. The objects forced childhood memories upon me and I allowed them to flow openly out to Edward's ears. He smiled listening interestedly the whole while. It was odd, I was opening up to him in this huge way, but I still felt shut off. I had cracked the peep hole while locking the door shut.

Finally we made it all the way up to my room. I was tired and thankful at this point, ready to pencil in some _serious _alone time with Edward.

"And this" I waved my arms around, "is my room." I hopped on onto my bed leaning backwards on my hands allowing my legs to dangle freely off the side. He took his time walking around picking up the small trinkets of my past. Often he would ask me questions about them and I explained the trivial ways I came to posses them.

I couldn't understand why he held such a fascination of my past . Compared to his, my life was pathetic. After twenty minutes he was still strong in his examinations but my eyelids began to droop. I slipped my arms sideways and slid delicately down into a laying position. I could answer his questions just as thoroughly this way.

I could hear his delicate rummaging but his questions ceased. I listened to the faint noises as my eyes fluttered closed.

"A photo album. I wonder… any bottomless pictures of you in the bathtub as an infant?" My eyes bulged open and Edward chuckled while my heart raced painfully. I jumped out of the bed so fast my head spun causing me to grab the mattress for support. I was going to throw up, my stomach churned aggressively while I lunged forward unable to produce coherent words.

"No-.. Edw, nu- don't!" He smiled as the cover flipped open and I froze mid stride unable to breath. I bore down on the dangerous page unseeingly, the world burred around me. Edwards chuckle sounded far away, an echo of it's truth.

"Your mother looks exactly the same.", he commented warmly, "Who is this with her? She has your eye-" He stopped dead in his words and helpless tears fell over my numb face. I couldn't look up. I couldn't.

I shook my head fiercely refusing this to happen. I wouldn't surrender the only thing I had, not to anyone. Not even Edward.

"Bella?…." He whispered in distress. Through the fog that squeezed around me tightly I heard his panting breath. "That was you…" I had no idea how to fix this, how to cover this up. My mind raced through nothingness.

I had to do _something_, I blindly ripped the book from Edward's hands and threw the cursed pages across the room where it landed on the floor. I watched the destroyed book instead of meeting Edwards gaze.

I heard him move and finally stole enough courage to look up. He was in front of my dresser.

My stomach constricted and I fell to the ground at the resignation of my knees, collapsing under a body wrenching dry heave.

I heard the dresser drawer open, it was the sound of my life ending.

My eyes watched as Edward ripped out a handful of old clothes. He disentangle a single pair of cut offs that were more then twice my current size. His breath caught and crazed black eyes bore down on me.

"What have you done?!" Edward's voice was not what I'd expected. It was empty. Like me.

I couldn't think. My body and mind had shifted into a defensive shock that comprehension couldn't penetrate.

"BELLA!" He screamed in demand. I was unfazed, hardly recognizing the outburst's direction.

He was at my side instantly shaking my rigor mortis frame with no avail.

"What the hell have you done, Bella?!" He heaved in and out desperately.

"What have you done to my Love?!"

He stopped suddenly, seconds later I felt his fringed fingers at the hem of my sweatshirt. I realized his intentions a second too late.

He ripped it up revealing my stomach, and to his horror the crude framework of my skeletal system. He gasped and never released the air.

I fought with everything I had to cover myself. I had worked too hard for this, those bones were _my _reward. I alone claimed the right to them, they belonged to me. This sight was meant solely for my eyes, no one else deserved this.

_My _beauty, _my _war, _my prize_.

He traced the outline of my hips with his ice sending shivers all through my already quivering body. I squirmed and twisted more desperately to break free then I had ever tried before. I sobbed hysterically knowing I would prefer Jet's arms to this torture.

I _was_ being raped.

Being raped of the only thing I had.

He flipped me over easily ignoring my crazed struggle. I seized as his frozen fingers ran down the bumps of my protruding spine, paused then racked over my ribs like mine had done so many times before. This was different, while my strokes had been that of adoration and awe, his cringed in disgust. His reaction forced dormant anger to bubble closer to my surface. He was being so ungrateful for this gift. The thing I devoted my life to made him sick.

Edward let out a whine full of horrified despair and lay his face on my bare back.

"Why?", he breathed through a breaking heart.

**AN - ?! **

**This was a big one... what do you guys think?! I knew this is how and when Edward would find out before I posted the first chapter.. I hope it met your guys' expectations. I really do. **

**I need to hear your imput about this! I am demanding AT LEAST 35 reviews... (The usual is 30 so that's not much of a stretch... but this was a turning point in the story so it deserves at least 5 extra reviews... I know like hundreds of people read this story so do your civic duty..lol!)**

**--The song for this chapter is LET ITHAPPEN, by Jimmy Eat World. --_I BEG YOU GUYS TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG. IT IS ONE OF THREE THAT INSPIRED THE ENDING OF THIS STORY SO IT'S WAY IMPORTANT!! -- _It let's you in on how Bella is feeling right now as her world is crashing down around her. It also leads into next chapter and her reaction to this situation, so if you are dying to know what happens next this will help you out! LOL! (please ignore the following three songs... they are for upcoming chapters, thank you!)**

****

IF YOU GUYS LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF THE SONG I PROMISE TO UPDATE FASTER! (I swear…. I'll skip my Art Theory homework to work on chapter 31!… lol)

**Anyway... REVIEW!! **


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31:**

He flipped me over easily ignoring my crazed struggle. I seized as his frozen fingers ran down the bumps of my protruding spine, paused then racked over my ribs like mine had done so many times before. This was different, while my strokes had been that of adoration and awe, his cringed in disgust. His reaction forced dormant anger to bubble closer to my surface. He was being so ungrateful for this gift. The thing I devoted my life to made him sick.

Edward let out a whine full of horrified despair and lay his face on my bare back.

"Why?", he breathed through a breaking heart.

"Why _what_?!" I hissed venomously through my exhausting struggles. I wanted to toy with him, make this every bit as hard on him as it was me.

He let go out of sheer dumb founding in response. He looked at me without understanding… as if I were insane. I shook the devastatingly hurt feelings his unrecognizing eyes filled me with off and pulled myself up and out of his reach in one desperate motion. I scurried quickly as possible to the farthest of my room's corner joints as if I were a frightened mouse, then yanked my sweater back down to cover my violated stomach. I folded my arms tightly across my chest protectively, I wouldn't allow anyone to take this from me. I could feel the heat emanating from the rage aimed in my direction forcing me to stare dimly at my dollar store flip-flop clad feet.

Edward slowly rose from the ground, the circumstance of this hellish situation having no effect on his perfect grace. This is it… I recognized the immediate future for what it was, the hunter attacking it's prey. I readied myself for the pounce, Edward the lion, I the lamb.

"Bella, this is absurd! I refuse to allow this irresponsible behavior to continue!", he roared, then took a dominating step forward.

That was all it took.

No one told me what to do, especially with my own body! My blood heated until my mind raced with feverish thoughts. My breath quickened in pace responding to the pounding beat of my heart and soon I was left heaving. Like a shadow had crept over only me my face darkened. With his second step I grew unreachable with outrage, hitting the point of no return. My anger was that of such passion, comparable only to a mother bear's fury.

No one would get in-between my cub and I.

"Don't!" I yelled dangerously in warning pointing my finger at Edward's extended foot. "Don't you come near me!"

His face tightened but he never paused, not for a second. I was expecting nothing less, Edward would never rest now that he knew. He was close enough now to touch and panic took control once again. I ducked under his raised arms and sprinted out of the room. Edward could have easily stopped me, but miraculously I was let be.

My unthinking feet carried me out of the house and as far from Hades as I could physically manage. Ten minutes later I looked up at the familiar wooden walkway of the boardwalk. I smiled weakly, grateful to my subconscious for leading me here. Of course this place held the safety I coveted, Edward would never follow me to this sunny location, but it was more then that. The beach filled me with the wonderful emotional memories of my childhood. Shadows of happiness and security were almost enough to spare my state of ruin.

My mind crawled with petrified dread. _What would happen now? _Surely Edward would do something overly dramatic and big as if I walked in stride with the suicidal. _Would he tell the others? _My stomach rolled sickeningly. I couldn't face my family if they knew the truth. _What would they think of me… How would they react? _

Flashes of their faces appeared in front of my open eyes. Emmett's usual enthusiasm faded into a judgmental glare… Jasper's sad eyes intensified as pity rained on me… Alice just stood. That was it, she didn't smile, she didn't hop or squeal, there was no electrical spark charging the atmosphere. She just stood.

My heart ripped unbearably inside my chest and I needed to get away, I had to move from this torture. I whimpered in pain knowing wherever I went I would find no relief, there was no way to run from your own skin.

The unease washed over me as I gave in to it's supremacy. I welcomed my undoing, let it come.

Tears fell as I stumbled blindly down toward the sandy shore. I needed to hide my disgustingly weak self form the prying eyes of the public. I felt the burning sand under my feet cool suddenly as I became engulfed by the darkness under the boardwalk.

I knew I would be left alone here. It was obscure, eerie, and too small for comfort. I bunched up into a tight ball folding my knees against my chest burying my head within them, then binding the whole knot with my arms.

I wished to die here, to be forgotten and ignored long enough to perish. It was the only realistic escape… from everything.

The attacks were coming from every direction and I wasn't strong enough to fight. There was little I could do to prevent Edward from carrying out his intended plans. Whatever parasite had taken over my mind has already proven it's brutal dominance. There was no point in questioning it's rule. It had grown more powerful then I _ever _was, my white flag was already raised and waving in the wind.

I shook with the fright of an unclear future.

My body and mind soon exhausted to the point of soreness and with my frame still knotted in the cover under the boardwalk I passed into lovely unconsciousness.

--

My frame shook from a chilly gust of wind before my eyes opened into awareness. I felt my body twisted together just as it was originally, the only difference I had drooped over onto a nearby pillar that now supported my weight. It was dark out. I wondered without honestly caring what time it was. How long had I been out here?

Maybe I would get my wish, maybe everyone had beyond reasonable hope forgotten about me.

I knew a second later I was wrong. I turned my head only slightly to work the kinks from my neck and with a sharp intake of air saw Edward crunched up in a similar position a foot to my right. His eyes were locked on the ocean. I knew he was fully aware of my recent consciousness and current stares but his eyes never left the noisy swells. Somewhere deep, deep down I felt a feeble surge of gratitude for his superficial lack of interest.

I turned away from him and despite my desire to stretch out my sore legs I stayed frozen. We sat, both involved in our own private thoughts.

After my body had begun to quake from the night's cool, and the darkness had grown pitch Edward's solid ice hand encased my wrist like a handcuff.

"Let's go." His smooth voice dripped with sorrow. My heart pumped frightened blood too quickly through my body and I attempted freedom from his iron grasp in vain.

Without looking at him I spoke. "I'm not going anywhere." I was too drained to emphasize my words with any form of emotion. My voice fell flat and lifeless offering more effect then anger could have.

He sighed despairingly and pain etched across his face. "Do you want Renee to worry? She's on her way home with Phil."

I let out an insignificant tuft of air. He was right, Renee coming back to an empty home could only worsen the current situation. I looked ahead into the indiscernible gloom allowing myself to be toted towards the house.

We made it back in good time. Renee didn't return for another twenty minutes, though her presence had little effect on me. I was buried deep under layers and layers of comforters. My bedroom held little sanctuary anymore. I had no where to hide and so reverted back to a seven-year-old's thought process. Inside the squishy comfort of my bed I shook with fear praying nothing scary would find me in the night.

--

I listened to my mother giggle from the first floor that lay below. How could this small house have such a vast capacity? It seemed impossible that such polar opposites could reside within the same four walls.

Her tinkling laughed mixed with Phil's low rumble and seeped under the crack of my bedroom door like a poisonous gas. Their happiness made me choke, it clouded the stuffy air under my blankets. My stomach cramped, then constricted out of pure jealously. It was unfair one person could practically bubble over with such satisfaction while only feet away another supplicated for the reprieve of their demise.

--

Ages after the house grew silent I was startled out from the uneasy meditation of my thoughts. The grandfather clock that rest in the dinning room chimed loudly declaring a new day , echoing throughout the residence.

"Merry Christmas, Bella.", Edward whispered from somewhere within the confines of my room.

The suffocating bolts of velvet wrapped tightly around my ribcage. I shivered while gasping for air trying desperately not to make a sound. I clutched my mouth shut with a nervous hand and felt the sheets under my cheek moisten with salt water.

He needed to think I was sleeping. Needed to believe I couldn't hear whatever he had to say.

The night passed in an excruciating suspended motion.

Just as the overpowering sun began to creep in from the window a set of fingers appeared above my un-rested head pulling the ridiculous amounts of blankets down. My heart raced and I couldn't remove the crazed panic from my face. I held my breath bracing myself for whatever was coming.

Renee's bright naive eyes smiled down on me. "Merry Christmas, Sweetheart!" She leaned over and kissed me on my tear stained cheek. "Come on, let's open presents! Phil has the Yule Log going on the flat screen as tradition, everything is perfect!" Her face fell after she really took my appearance in. I looked away and squirmed awkwardly realizing what I must look like. I was still wearing the same clothes as the day before with the addition of sand in my pockets and hair, I probably smelt divinely of rotting seaweed and salt, and my face was permanently fixed with a scattering breakability.

"Honey, what's wrong?" I looked into her eyes searching desperately for something. I didn't know what I hoped to find, whatever it was I was too far away to reach up and grab it.

My intensity unsettled her, she leaned in and checked my forehead for a fever; any mother's first instinct.

"She just needs to relax with a nice hot breakfast. Isn't that right, Love?" Edward walked through my doorway carrying a tray bursting with food and dangerous deadness in his black eyes. His words were threatening but Renee smiled.

"He's probably right, Sweetie." She shifted farther away making room for the scary tray but I grabbed her hand before she fully removed herself from the bed. I was petrified to be alone with Edward. Alone with the unforgiving truth.

"Stay with me!" I pleaded a little too loud, and way too eager. She pouted in confusion, but eventually scooted back closer. I met her halfway, pressing myself firmly against her warm side. My mother may have lost the ability to protect me from my own mind, but she could still keep me safely far from a daunting privacy with Edward.

I sighed and felt the weight of two pairs of eyes on me. Mine stare at the disgustingly inviting pile of toast and scrambled eggs. Next to it rest two large glasses, one of milk, the other orange juice. My resentful eyes shot at Edward's face for a fraction of a second. There was not a single fruit on the plate. No water at all. There was no possible way around this. His face was tight, eyebrows slightly raised in a waiting manner.

"Go ahead, before this get's cold.", Renee urged innocently. My nose crinkled and heart raced maddeningly. It caused my head to heavy and the familiar white fog to swirl before my eyes. Edward ripped the fork from the tray and thrust it into my grudging hand. Renee, who had no idea what was truly happening looked questioningly at Edward's unexplained impatience.

I impaled the tiniest amount of egg, reaching the point of such extreme stress that my stomach rolled and I coughed a dry gag. A tear began to fall from the corner of my eye and I wiped it away before Renee could notice.

My panting breath was all I could hear, I was trapped.

I raised the fork to my mouth and gagged one more time before forcing the calories between my unwilling lips. I chewed awkwardly as if I'd forgotten how to do so properly. I couldn't restrain the fierce revulsion taking over my face. My body cringed, then seized in repulsion. Edward sighed and buried his face in his hands.

My had no doubt confirmed his fears.

**AN - I want to thank you guys SO much for all of your support!! When I started this story I had no idea it could grow to be this popular. You guys, and your input inspire me to continue on (even when college is kicking my ass!), lol. **

**So, THANK YOU!!**

**I wanted this chapter to mirror the assumed joy of Bella's 18****th**** birthday in New Moon. I hope the irony of such devastation on a holiday carries through.**

**What are your guys' thoughts? As always I'm dying to know!**

**The songs for this chapter are ****Honestly OK****, by Dido, and ****Kelsey****, by Metro Station. Honestly OK - Bella's feelings while all this is happening. Kelsey - Edward's devotion to Bella during this nightmare. (Kelsey is like one of my fav songs ever!) I would love to hear your thoughts on the songs and their relation to the story! Just click on my profile above, then on the Hey Listen! Link to access the Starved PlayList.**

**I hope everyone is enjoying the story!**

**Please Review! Thank you! **


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32: **

I impaled the tiniest amount of egg, reaching the point of such extreme stress that my stomach rolled and I coughed a dry gag. A tear began to fall from the corner of my eye and I wiped it away before Renee could notice.

My panting breath was all I could hear, I was trapped.

I raised the fork to my mouth and gagged one more time before forcing the calories between my unwilling lips. I chewed awkwardly as if I'd forgotten how to do so properly. I couldn't restrain the fierce revulsion taking over my face. My body cringed, then seized in repulsion. Edward sighed and buried his face in his hands.

My behavior had no doubt confirmed his fears.

As I watched my mother's concerned eyes dancing about my face I concentrated on swallowing then keeping the food down. I sat without motion building a small amount of confidence the eggs would cooperate when I realized how much I honestly enjoyed them. I could still taste them in my mouth, they were so flavorful compared to the fruit and water I survived on.

I looked at Renee, she was combing her fingers through my messy tangle of curls. "Are you feeling sick, Sweetie? You look nauseous." Her mother alarm was screaming red alert, I saw it in her face.

"Um, yeah. A little." I looked back at the steaming eggs embarrassed, this excuse had carried me so far. Too many were thrown off track by it's cunning double meaning but it now sounded pathetic in range of Edward's knowing ears.

"I'm certain you _are _feeling ill, Love. In fact I could probably list all your ailments off the top of my head; light headedness, fatigue, lack of concentration, chronic chill, headaches, shall I go on? Or would you prefer to finish your meal?"

His icy eyes challenged the fire in mine.

How could he do this to me? In front of my mother no less! I scooped up a slightly larger amount of food and stuck it in my mouth determined to keep Renee from getting involved. My mind raced with how my body would react to the sudden overload. How many pounds I would be forced to work off.

Something I wasn't prepared for was the adrenaline rushing through my veins. It appeared with no warning and suddenly I was on the reckless edge. Every bite of heavenly food made it harder to control myself.

Hunger had woken up.

It spread it's vast wings ripping the delicate tissue of my insides letting itself be known after months of submission. I grasped my abdomen trying to calm the ripping torture. My heart pounded in my heaving chest and the fork I now clutched passionately quickened in pace. I wanted to hold the plate up to my face and use my hands as shovels, anything to get the food in my mouth faster. In a moment of insanity I imagined myself running down the stairs to the kitchen and filling my stomach with everything I could find.

The only thing stopping me from release were the four eyes ever present upon me. I sat with every stitch of self control I gained since last spring, like a well mannered adult. When the food had gone I took in the milk, then the orange juice.

I stare sadly at the vast emptiness of the tray. "I guess you were hungry…" Renee trailed off with wide eyes. I felt hot blood rush to my face and forced an easy smile that was anything but. I even had strength enough to shrug and giggle believingly.

"I guess."

I was mortified. How could I have allowed myself to undo all that I had worked so hard for? I could feel the evil food like lead inside of me. The longer it sat the more sick I became. I couldn't honestly say if the nausea came from my mental repulsion or if my body was simply rejecting the foreign substance. When my head started to spin I began to lean toward the later.

"OK, let's go open gifts… if you're up to it, Sweetie." Renee spoke in her softest tone. I could tell something was very off with my body but I wouldn't deny my mother Christmas. I smiled and nodded with an unusual amount of effort. As my head bobbed up and down outlines of her face and the background blurred and stretched in a revolting manner. The whole room now pulsed with unnatural movements making the uneasiness of my stomach that much more unbearable. Time was passing too slowly, or maybe my mind worked too quickly.

She got up and walked over to the door, My pupils dilated wildly trying to force her swirling shape into focus. "Just give me a minute to make sure everything is perfect downstairs." She smiled from ear to ear then disappeared. I let out a painful breath and slumped backwards into the bed the second she was gone.

Maybe I had the flu…

Edward's cool hand ran over the burning skin of my face then he pressed his mouth to my forehead gently. It wasn't a kiss, there was no romance win this contact. He was merely recording the temperature of my skin. I knew this but still my heart thundered a bit faster.

"Do you feel feint, Bella?"

I heard his voice. The smoothness only aided in my trip to darkness.

"Hmmm?", was all I could force from my suddenly exhausted lips. His face was already gone, I hadn't the strength to open my eyes.

"Go to sleep, I'll tell Renee you're too _ill_." Even so close to dreams Edward's curt sarcasm was not lost.

He sighed heavenly then added in a softer tone, "I'll take care of it, Love. I'll take care of everything." The solid cold of an actual kiss accompanied me into unconsciousness.

--

After a painful convulse of my stomach I jumped out of sleep and my bed alike. I hadn't the slightest idea what time it was. The sky still shone with the city's sun, but the sun overpowered the skies of L.A. until eight o'clock at night, the stretch of possibility was too vast to guess. I waited a moment frozen in motion, assessing whether the rush of nausea had been a false alarm. With a second terrifying roll I was tearing through the bedroom door and down the hallway towards the bathroom, hand slapped over my mouth.

The cool porcelain I hugged tightly while my stomach crawled out through my throat felt heavenly against my sweaty skin. I begged a higher power to rid me of this torture, of the constant knotting in my abdomen. At the same time I thanked it, so thankful to be purged of the calories I was cornered into consuming earlier. After the first round of violent sick my body flushed of any remaining energy. I slipped down and fell in a huddle at the base of the toilette.

_Merry Christmas… _

From that point on the day flickered in and out, always being thrown back by an unwelcome surge of nausea. I manned the cold tile floor of the bathroom for ten hours before I was carried back to bed.

I forced my eyes open and found the best sight this world offered. "Thank you, Edward." I breathed while he pulled several comforters over my weak form. His face reflected the skin he possessed, hard as a statue.

--

After darkness flood the room and my stomach had settled I gathered enough energy to sit up and drink from a glass of water that had evened in temperature with time. The clean liquid felt amazing and familiar on my scorched throat. After a couple of sips my vision refocused and knew for the most part I was on the mend.

I looked around my gloomy room and found it empty. My heart puttered involuntarily with the overpowering absence. I threw my covers to the side and carefully got out of bed. I found myself strong and full of energy despite my hours incapacitated. I was positively overflowing with vitality, but reminded myself of the late hour.

I quietly tip-toed into the hallway and down the stairs. The first floor was quite abandoned, except for a steady glow from twinkle lights wrapped decoratively around our Christmas tree the house was pitch. This didn't dissuade me. I grew up in this house and could maneuver around it's many curves and obstacles with eyes closed and hands tied behind my back.

I walked blindly through the living room, through the dinning room, and in the kitchen faced the back door. A slight radiance shone through it's tiny window from the moon, the eerie light illuminating Edward's lone form. He sat on the porch's railing perfectly still and unmoving, head turned up toward the heavens. His hand held a tiny piece of technology to his ear causing a small amount of paranoia to infiltrate. _Who was he talking to? What was he talking about?… _

I came face to face with truth, I was scared. I felt I was losing all control, and control was the only thing I had to live for. It was unfair how suddenly the floor was swept from under my feet. I felt like a child. I had no power, no say in the happenings in my own life.

All at once I didn't want to know the details of Edward's private conversation. I wasn't interested in his thoughts or worries, I just wanted to be left alone.

That's all I wanted.

I retraced my soft footwork back through the house and into my room. I jumped into the soft consoles of my plush bed and hid from reality, physically and mentally while I sill could.

My mind was strong enough to push the tragedy out from view and I slept peacefully.

--

The next morning was that of solid chaos. The first half was deafening, intense fights erupting every couple of minutes. The atmosphere was thick with discontent. The second half of the morning was deafening silence, more then half the house refused to speak with one another.

Currently I fumed in the privacy of the second floor bathroom, the only room I could lock. I was unspeakably enraged at Edward and Renee alike. Before I woke he had explained to Renee I was suffering from a serious virus. It had shown up in my blood work only after we arrived in California and Carlisle called last night to confirm my symptoms. Renee of course believed him, after my day of puking who wouldn't?

That wasn't the source of my anger, I was surprised and grateful Edward had covered for me. The part that had me locked in with a toilette was what followed. Edward went on to inform Renee and Phil he would be escorting me back to Forks on the earliest flight possible so I could be treated properly.

Renee was sad, she didn't want me to leave early but she _was _my mother. Health always came first and she agreed without hesitation. When I woke my bags were packed and Jacob's parka was spread across the foot of my bed.

I stormed down the stairs demanding an explanation. I yelled at Edward who stood unmoving, silent and stoical. His lack of response forced me on my mother. I knew perfectly well she was looking out for me, but it didn't change the fireworks of dread suffocating me.

Returning to Forks was irrevocably dangerous.

Out here Edward held less power, back in Forks an army marched in back of him. An army of people who cared, the most hazardous people I could imagine.

I was petrified of what would happen.

While deep in thought the door swung open. I shot a shocked glance at the doorknob. Had I forgotten to lock it in my panicked rage? No, it had been locked all right. The thick metal stub was now dancing across the ground having been snapped easily in half.

Edward's smooth voice echoed in all directions off the ceramic tiles lining the walls. "It's time."

**AN: So, yeah… kind of an in-between chapter. Edward's up to something…?**

**This chapter's songs are Hollywood, by Shwayze (another favorite of mine), and Believe, by the Bravery. Hollywood is from Edward's POV, he's all like "let's peace out, this place can't do nothing for us.", lol! And Believe is from Bella's POV, the poor chick is just like floating around in a riptide of crazy. **

**Let me know what you guys think… what are your predictions… I'd love too see what you guys are thinking up about the end (it's getting closer!) I want to see if the story is predictable. **

**Thank you, Pleases Review!**


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33:**

Returning to Forks was irrevocably dangerous.

Out here Edward held less power, back in Forks an army marched in back of him. An army of people who cared, the most hazardous people I could imagine.

I was petrified of what would happen.

While deep in thought the door swung open. I shot a shocked glance at the doorknob. Had I forgotten to lock it in my panicked rage? No, it had been locked all right. The thick metal stub was now dancing across the ground having been snapped easily in half.

Edward's smooth voice echoed in all directions off the ceramic tiles lining the walls. "It's time."

--

Edward's grip on my throbbing wrist was tight and unyielding, just as it's been the entire day. He quite literally dragged me into L.A. International, through the luggage check, and into the two first class leather seats he had so forcefully demanded. This was nothing new, the dirty looks he received from assuming terminal strangers as he pulled my reluctant body towards the snowy parking lot of Forks Municipal Airport barley offended me.

I was happy to see their impact had a slightly more powerful impact on Edward. He lasted mere minutes fighting them off internally, his jaw growing more and more wide as he clenched down harder. He quickly snapped, now continuously meeting the appalled foreign faces with rage fueling his feral growls. I knew he could hear their thoughts perfectly, whatever they were concluding ate hungrily away from his solid stone cold demeanor.

Twenty feet from the frosted glass doors leading to the building's exit he came to a sudden stop. His eyes were set on the generic grey linoleum tiles at our feet, surrender in his infuriated voice.

"They think I'm abusive, Bella. A good number are debating whether to notify security." He grumbled through his locked chops.

I couldn't help myself, before I could prevent it I laughed. I immediately clasped my hand over my smiling lips but the humor was blatant in my gleaming eyes. How could these strangers be so wrong and so dead on all at once? The complete absurdity of it filled me with comedic release. Edward would never raise a hand to me, he went to such great measures in preventing harm from crossing my path he'd tortured himself in his abandoning to make it so. Still… he _had _violated me. He was overpowering my will at this very moment… What would happen if I _did _send one of these people a scared pleading glance, if I was to mouth the word "help" to a security guard?…

I casually looked away from Edward, my eyes wondered aimlessly until they were met by a petite woman's unapologetic stare. Her green eyes questioned mine before flashing toward Edward, then back to me. Edward let out another audible noise of discontent and I shook my head clear of it's moments insanity.

There was no way I could ever do such a thing to him. I felt guilty immediately and allowed his frozen arm to snake around my waist, trying desperately to look convincingly willing as I made my way towards certain damnation.

--

I was relieved when Edward's car slowed in front of Charlie's house instead of his own. I couldn't lie to myself, I knew this would only put off the inevitable, but I greedily met this delay with crazed eagerness. Charlie must have been waiting for us, before we made it up the pathway he swung the front door open wearing a huge smile that was anything but hidden by his massive mustache.

"Bells! How was the flight? How was L.A.?" He grabbed me up in a tight hug squeezing me for a minute then placed me back on the stoop. His eyes flitted all over my face sinking into worry, "How are you feeling? Your mother told me you have some kind of virus. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" His eyes left mine and landed on Edward who stood directly behind me.

"How is she? What's wrong with my baby girl, Ed?" I rolled my eyes and pushed aggressively past Charlie with my dinky shoulder clearing my own path into the house.

"I'm fine, Charlie!" I yelled loudly behind me. "I feel perfectly healthy. Why can't everyone just back off!"

As I stomped up the narrow staircase to the second floor Edward's smooth voice remained clear in my burning ears.

"Her condition is extremely serious, Mr. Swan. Your daughter is very sick, my father wants to evaluate Bella personally. He's the best MD in all of Washington, I'll make sure she's taken care of…"

His words twisted my stomach and I let out a grunt of fury. Was I nothing more then a rag doll? I had no authority in the happenings of my life! My pace quickened along with my erratic breaths. The closer I got to my bedroom the farther away my rage drained being replaced by panic.

I couldn't escape what was coming. There was nothing I could do. Wherever I ran Edward would find me. He would use every power he had, every force supporting him would turn on me.

He was taking me to Carlisle, to his father. The thought of this beautiful man studying me with his brilliant warm eyes forced a cold sweat to sheen across my forehead. A blurred image of his perfectly proportionate frame hovering over my cowering one with a handful of mysterious dangerous looking tools in one hand and a plate of food in the other surrendered my strength, my knees gave out and I collapsed just inside my bedroom directly in front of my closet door.

I crawled into the dark concave and threw the door shut behind me. The mass of clothing littering the closet's floor did little to comfort me. Tears spewed from my aching eyes, the closet positively quaked with my body's shaking.

I was hysterical. This situation had gotten out of hand… out of _my _hands.

I needed to fix this, but the prospects of that possibility were heartbreakingly low. My breaths were dangerously close to meeting the hyperventilation criteria. I forced them to slow down. It was painful and difficult to disrupt the parallel between heart beat and breath but the last thing I needed was Edward and Charlie to find me passed out in the bottom of a closet.

It was slow and agonizing, but eventually my heart rate was back at a healthy level. The small black hole I occupied steadied and cleared. I was alone in a safe place and able to focus for the first time in days. I straightened my back, sitting up into perfect composure.

"I just have to work harder." I whispered. Hope glittering faintly in the recesses of my soul. "So what if Edward thinks he knows what's going on? I just have to prove him wrong!" A crazed smile cut across my face.

I could do anything I wanted. I _could _fix this.

There wasn't much time… surely Edward planned on taking me to see Carlisle momentarily. I dodged out from the closet and into the hallway. I stuck my head down the stairs far enough to find Edward still in the doorway conversing seriously with Charlie. My mad grin still in place I cleared my throat grabbing both their attentions.

"When am I seeing Carlisle, Edward? Do I have enough time to shower?" His brows crumpled together in obvious confusion, his dumbfounded face made my heart grow even lighter. I couldn't blame him, he'd spent most of his day dragging me here now I was apparently willing.

"Of course, Love" His eyes were still contemplating me as I shot back up the stairs and into the bathroom. My reflection made me frown. I couldn't remember the last time I had showered. My hair was a messy haystack, my skin however still held a golden tinge from L.A.'s sun. My heart raced with gratitude. The tan made me look heaps healthier then it's natural milky white, it even aided in camouflaging the purple bruising under my eyes.

I took a quick shower, only taking half the time I usually spent indulging in the water's warmth. I needed the extra time to ready myself. I allowed the water to continue running even after I had finished, the two men downstairs would presume I was still showering. No one would know I was conniving behind their backs.

The first thing I wanted to do was make myself presentable. I needed to look put together and relaxed, far away from the suffering mess I truly was. I blew out my hair and pulled it up into a smooth elegant bun. I didn't want to look as if I was hiding anything behind my waist length hair. I pulled on a pair of jeans, the closest I had to fitting.. They only sagged minimally from my legs. Then I pulled on a crisp blue blouse and a bright yellow cashmere V-neck Alice had somehow snuck into my drawers. The clothes were form fitting, but not to the point of giving anything away, the colors happy and positive. Despite Fork's unforgiving winter I left off my usual layers. That would raise unwanted questions.

I even threw on a small amount of blush and mascara. I had to look perfect. I studied my appearance trying to see through a skeptical eye. I looked very presentable, skinny, but definitely not disturbingly so.

However, I knew Carlisle would be devouring more then my image. I leapt into my next step without hesitation. I hastily grabbed the plastic cup holding Charlie and my toothbrushes next to the sink and dumped it's contents on the counter. I rinsed the large cup once then filled it to the brim with warm water. I knew from experience your body accepted warm water more readily. One could gulp water much faster and continuously if it matched your body temperature. Cold water might be more pleasant but it took too long.

I made quick work of it, emptying glass after hot glass into my steadily stretching stomach. I chugged until I felt the tepid liquid reaching the bottom of my throat. I braced my hands on the edge of the sink and heaved in and out trying to catch my breath. My stomach ached with upset. It couldn't house the amount that I forced inside myself. I ignored the physical complaints. The sudden sweating on my back, the tight bulge of my abdomen, the throbbing dissolving the focus of my sight were all pushed away. Water was the heaviest thing I could think of.

I stood back and straightened my spine out to take myself in one last time. "Perfect".

I grabbed my purse off the foot of my bed and trailed casually down the stairs to meet Charlie and Edward in the living room watching a game on ESPN Classics. They both turned to me when I walked in, Charlie smiled.

"Bells, you look nice."

"Thanks, Charlie." I tried to ignore the agitating confused shock painted all over Edward's face. "I guess L.A. is starting to rub off on me." I shrugged.

Edward stood stylishly and took my hand in his. "Good evening, Sir. I'll have Bella back as soon as possible."

"Keep me posted, Ed".

I sighed loudly allowing my lovely demeanor to fall slightly. Was I invisible, or merely incapable of a phone call?!

On the way to the door I grabbed my coat off the hook. _My _coat, it was the first time I had used it since Jacob gave me his. I felt uneasy without the parka but this test was bigger then my own comfort. Much bigger.

Edward's thick copper brow raised with my outerwear decision. "Tell me, Bella. Why are you acting like this? What are you thinking?"

My swollen stomach twisted, he knew very well I was up to something. I shook the fright away, I was perfectly collected.

"I'm thinking Jacob's Parka needs to be washed." I looked into his reflective black orbs seeing the lies in my own. "And I really needed a shower.".

**AN - So… What do you dudes think?…**

**SNAP! Bella is on her way to the Cullen's house!! BEWARE! Lol!**

**The songs for this chapter are (there are 4... Sorry but there's a lot of emotions happening) 1-Bruised by, Jack's Mannequin. This song is creepily PERFECT! Ummm.. Sorry but someone who's one plane ride away from the end of everything they know?… where have I heard that before?…****LOL, 2-Let It Fall by, Lykke Li (I luv her!). This song is about giving up and just drowning in tears, just like Bella (poor girl). 3-Alice Practice by, Crystal Castles (no tie to Alice Cullen… sorry). I have no idea _what_ she is saying in this song.. But I love it because it expresses the rage and desperation Bella is feeling when she locks herself in the closet. Then 4- Behind Blue Eyes by, Limp Bizkit (just pretend it's called behind chocolate eyes.. lol). This is perfect for how Bella has become. Reclusive with in herself. She has no conscience and is never content. Her heart and emotions only get in the way and she is utterly alone. **

**Thank You All For Reading!!**

**Please Review!! **


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34:**

I tried to walk with at least half the natural grace Edward embodied while we made our way up the pathway to his home. I needed to appear casual as if this whole situation was a misunderstanding. A humorous, unthreatening misunderstanding. Try as I might my head persisted to swarm with panic and fear. I felt as if savage war erupted within me, two sides battled one another in a brutal attempt to quiet it's opposite. A burning dread whispered spine tingling doubts into my ear;_ It's over. He knows. You've already lost…_

My will, however, refused to be overpowered. It's ice like rigidness pierced through the licking flames wrapping around my wispy hopes extinguishing the uncomfortable doubt. I was unsure of what I would come face within the beautiful walls of the Cullen house but I knew my role. I had my script memorized, my choreography perfected, and my motivation was a constant, never allowing me a seconds reprieve.

The collision of fire and ice caused my stomach to inflate with steam. My mind grew tired of switching goals, it began to throb paralleling my heart beat which already pulsed too briskly. I could feel Edward's eyes upon me as I tried to massage my temple without notice. I almost sighed, almost presented my aggravation and weakness physically. With a second to spare I caught my breath and rearranged my facial muscles into a happy go lucky smile. Once confident I turned and looked into his face. He stopped walking and enough solemn etched deep in his perfect face for both of us.

Normally I would have been curious of his sudden halt, but in all honesty at the moment I didn't want to know. More then that, I couldn't be bothered with his dramatics. I already balanced too heavy a load in my incapable grasp. One more burden and I would tip over, falling from this poise. I was about to take the biggest exam of my life. My future depended on the results of this test and I was much too anxious to make a pit stop and have a casual heart to heart with the proctor.

I was eager to get everything over with yet Edward was intent on remaining stationary. My smiling mask stayed hard as plastic but I folded my arms tightly across my chest unable to contain all my impatience. Every second we wasted gave a chance for the burning negativity raging inside to overwhelm my glistening confidence.

Edward reached out his hand to me. It suspended between our bodies while I stare at it trying to decide whether to take it.

I wanted to take it.

More then anything I wanted to feel his cool skin on mine. I shivered remembering the ecstasy of our physical contradiction.

The facts remained heavy in my mind, I simply couldn't allow myself that luxury. Edward's pioneering closeness was already too threatening. I must remain distanced, physically and mentally.

After a few seconds he gave up and allowed the hand to drop back down to his side. Instead he took a step closer coming up mere inches away from me. I itched with desire to step away, allow a bumper in-between our charged bodies. I knew better, the instinctual dis-attachment would be a trigger to Edward, a sign of my mental hesitation.

I remained strong, not moving a centimeter's distance. My mask too, was unwavering. Inside my delicate hope swelled the smallest amount with pride and I allowed myself a mental pat on the back for this impressive power.

Edward lowered his face slightly toward mine, "I love you, Bella. We all do. I'm merely protecting you. We only want to help, I wish desperately for you to see that." His swimming eyes were devastated. His downy voice a breath from resignation.

I scoffed. His soft words ripped through me like jagged metal shards allowing vile defense to seep out the gashes. "I don't _need _help, Edward." My voice was chilling and dark as night.

His face hardened a bit in response. "You know I'd do anything for you. One request and whatever you want is yours, I'd give you everything." I could see the truth in his eyes, feel the honesty in his un-beating heart.

Somehow I couldn't believe him.

"I simply can't give you _this_. I refuse to watch you being harmed, I don't care if you're doing it to yourself. Right now your safety is more important then your happiness."

His mind was already settled. It was clear there would be no persuasion by my part. For a second blinding anger diminished both will and doubt.

"Oh really?" I asked through my solid jubilant lips. I silently wondered if I would be capable of removing this mask when I wanted to. "Is it more important then our relationship?"

Edward's eyebrows pull together as his face fell into disbelief. My smile remained solid as I turned and continued up the walkway alone.

Before I reached for the doorknob, the Cullens' front door swung gracefully open. A small amount of nerves swam in my chest but I quickly silenced them. Esmee appeared on the other side of the threshold with her usual warm smile and welcoming open arms. My cold heart thawed slightly at the sight. I hadn't realized how much I missed her, how nice it would be to get showered in unquestioning kindness and unknowing love. There was no hesitation as I met her embrace and allowed myself to be emotionally cared for. My mind silenced her possible motives, this was Esmee. She would hug me like this no matter what the circumstance.

"Welcome home, Dear." I squeezed tighter into her maternal affection, "We've all missed you so much." I smiled. Maybe this would all go smoother then I anticipated. Maybe I was worrying for nothing. "Everything is going to be all right, Sweetie. You're going to be fine." My heart stopped and I wrenched free of her binding hold.

Maybe not…

Before my face had time to crack out of it's illusory plastic grin someone's hands were lightly arranging hem of my sweater.

"Bella this is an amazing color on you! It does wonders with your new tan!… I'm so jealous!" Alice's musical voice admired. I turned and studied her perky face for any sign of deceit. "And I _love _your hair! You always hide your delicate features under it, wearing it up is _very _complimentary."

I guess some things never changed. My best friend's reliability was the plastic smile's undoing. A true smile tugged the corners of my mouth even higher, and a giggle escaped me. Her tiny arms pulled me in and I was lost in the comfort her chiming laugh provided.

Before I had my share of Alice's enthusiasm she was pulled off of me. I looked around for Jasper, to assure him the prolonged hug was mutual. Instead I found Edward's brooding form.

The mask fell back into place without my knowing.

"That's enough, Alice." His nostrils flared in anger but his voice was even, if only a fraction slower then usual.

"What's your problem, Edward?" She retorted twirling easily out of his vice grip. Her face scrunched into Edward's trademark pout.

"This is dangerously serious. Stop being shallow." They moved closer together with each comeback as if they were about to break into a fist fight.

"It won't hurt for SOMEONE to be nice and normal! Do you honestly think being all serious and moody is going to help Bella get better!?

"Living in your fantasy world where nothing bad happens won't help either. Stop pretending everything is perfectly alright. Bella's already managing that seamlessly without you aiding in the absurdity!"

Alice's mouth dropped for me. I refused to take in this ridiculous dispute. I didn't know how far I could push my self control and feared the consequences of my future actions if I allowed myself to continue listening to them argue about me as if I weren't present.

I took in a deep breath and made sure I remained unruffled before walking slowly away without detection. I was halfway up the stairwell before Alice's shrill voice began do dissipate.

"You have no idea the pressure forced on women for perfection these days!" She squealed.

"Neither do you! You've been an idealized pixie since you can remember!" His growling echoed from the empty corners of my mind.

I followed my feet absently down the second floor hallway. I had no intended destination and so I took my time examining the paintings lining the extensive walls attempting to lose myself within them. Halfway through my critique I passed an open door. I couldn't remember were this one led, it seemed a lifetime ago Edward explained the ins and outs of this massive house.

"You're back." Jasper's deep empathetic voice sounded from the mystery room. I turned and retraced my steps. The vast bedroom was bright, filled with the little light offered by Fork's winter sun. It was occupied with a mix of both classic and modern furniture. All undoubtedly glamorous and perfectly arranged. It was like stepping into luxury furniture ad, except more cutting edge fashion had been infused into it's design.

Alice.

Jasper sat on the floor leaning against the footboard of a mahogany king sized bed. I knew the bed was completely unnecessary but Alice liked to keep up appearances… in _everything_. I'm sure she had refused to settle for anything less then the perfect bedroom, necessity be damned. Jasper wouldn't argue.

He was tinkering with a long piece of metal, as I got closer I recognized it to be an ancient looking rifle of some sort. He looked up at me and his eyes were golden wells of sorrow. Unlike the others I wasn't threatened by his blue demeanor. This was Jasper after all, no matter how wide his grin those big eyes were forever full of woe.

Jasper was a tortured soul. His emotional intensity familiar, almost comforting. The dose of recognizable custom I needed. I knew there was a great possibility he pitied me just as his family did, but there was also a chance he didn't, that he was merely being himself. I could play along for now. I could make myself believe this was just two friends talking without the weight of the world coming between us.

I sat down next to him and picked up a beautifully engraved knife that lay in front of me.

"Yeah, our flight landed a while ago. I needed to freshen up before we came over… you know, with me being human and all." I let out a puff of air instead of laughing. He turned his blonde head to me, his smile as hard and forced as my own.

"Did Edward ever tell you my talent?" I cocked my head to the side, I had no idea Jasper possessed a gift and was completely riveted by this new information. I suppose my interest was blatantly obvious when Jasper laughed deeply.

"No, I didn't suppose he would have. Edward is very concerned with providing us a sense of privacy."

It was my turn to laugh. If Edward was so concerned with privacy I wouldn't be in this mess.

"My power, in a way, runs parallel with Edward's. Instead of hearing people's thoughts, I can feel their emotions."

"What?" I was taken aback and speechless. Could he feel my shock right now? My wonder?

"I can feel your curiosity. It's very potent." He smiled and my cheeks reddened. "I can feel your embarrassment too." We both laughed and it was completely genuine.

"I feel everything, Bella." He was serious again.

I slammed my mask back on.

"I've been reading people's emotions for dozens of years. I understand your feelings, maybe even better then you can." I continued to meet his gaze, his claim lit a tiny protest deep in me but on some level I recognized he was probably right. His unapologetic intrusion captivated me. The golden swirl of his eyes hypnotized my own and I was pulled farther into his words. I wanted to know everything he knew. I wanted to understand my emotions as he did.

"I've felt the loathing, the hate you carry with you since the very beginning. It hit me like a brick wall. You're emotions are so strong, more powerful then others. I couldn't interpret them right away. I didn't know where these feelings were stemming from. I had mild assumptions of course, then after you met our family I thought I knew the answer."

He looked to his hands and shook his head disappointed in himself. "I saw the way you looked at Rosalie, I felt your jealousy. It appeared so clear back then. 'She feels inadequate next to the family of vampires', I'd thought. 'Who wouldn't? We are the model of physical perfection, are we not?'. I left your disturbing emotions alone, kept them to myself and tried to push them away. I also try and allot individuals their rightful privacy"

He looked away from his hands and up to me. For the first time I recognized my pain. It was clear in Jaspers heartbreaking eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." He whispered forlornly. I shook with sudden overloading sorrow, not for myself, but for Jasper. How lonely his life must be? How exhausting and stressful? Through my solid mask a single tear shed. It ran down the swell of my cheek and onto my smiling lips. My life was a constant struggle, but next to Jasper's it was surely preferable.

I placed my hand over his, "Don't be. This is what I want. You _know _this is what I want."

He sighed and nodded his head slowly without breaking eye contact. I felt a rush of gratitude. It was beyond what I would ever ask for. Jasper knew what I was going through. He experienced my confusion and pain. He would understand my decisions, whatever they were. He would grant me privacy within them. At the same time I felt guilty. I was always suffering, _always_. Without knowing it I had dragged Jasper down with me. Our eyes contact broke when I looked at his old knife ashamedly.

"This isn't your fault, Bella. I carried this burden with me before you existed."

"And now you carry _my _burden."

A heavy silence fell between us. He couldn't argue that fact. I caused him terrible grief. I caused everyone terrible grief. Charlie, Renee, Jasper, Alice, Esmee, Edward, especially Edward… I sighed loudly and knew this world was better off without me. Everything would be easier, I wasn't worth all this pain.

Jasper's large finger wiped away my lone tear.

"You _are _worth it."

--

**AN - I totally do not claim Jasper's last line! (Not like you all aren't fully aware of it's origin) It's Stephanie Meyer's line and I merely borrowed it! So Stephie you can have it back! **

**What do you guys think? I know the chapter is on the shorter side, but I had to do it. You know I only split chapters up when I know it's for the best… **

**So what are your opinions? How do you like The Cullens' reactions so far. I know we only saw four so far, but I do think Jasper's is going to be the most important.. Well besides Edward's and of course -dun dun dun… Carlisle's. **

**So I hope you liked it, that it met your expectations so far, and that you keep reading. **

**Chapter Songs - Stay Away, by The Honorary Title. Don't Panic, by Coldplay. Bittersweet Symphony by, The Verve. **

**Stay Away is Bella's feelings towards Edward in the beginning of this Chapter.**

**Don't Panic is Edward's feelings.**

**I hope that you guys listen especially to Bittersweet Symphony. It is Jasper talking to Bella and I feel it's a strong representation of his emotions and thoughts. **

**Please Review!**


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35:**

A heavy silence fell between us. He couldn't argue that fact. I caused him terrible grief. I caused everyone terrible grief. Charlie, Renee, Jasper, Alice, Esmee, Edward, especially Edward… I sighed loudly and knew this world was better off without me. Everything would be easier, I wasn't worth all this pain.

Jasper's large finger wiped away my lone tear.

"You _are _worth it."

-----------------------------------

I sat silently next to Jasper while he cleaned his antique war memorabilia watching his steady fingers polish the wood through unseeing eyes. Despite the heart racing nervous suspension I hovered in I found myself oddly relaxed in his company. Jasper wouldn't push me into doing or saying anything, I knew that now. Without the smallest fraction of awareness on my part Jasper had become too deeply involved in my suffering to layer me under more dirt. On the other hand I knew he wouldn't protect me from being forced by others either. I felt in the pit of my stomach he would become a silently pained shadow on the wall as Edward pulled me closer towards my sentence. He hadn't said this out loud but the contradiction on his face was clear… or was it because contradiction rooted itself so deeply within me I had become an expert in it's detection? Either way, his company was soothing. Jasper's presence was peaceful and I hid in it, hid as far away from the world war of my reality as I could get.

I had no secrets from him. Everything I felt was shared whether I was willing or not, there were no boundaries. No privacy. No reasons for lies and falsities. I could take my mask off.

Finally.

"Where are Emmett and Rosalie?", I asked out of mild interest while turning the knife in my hands over absentmindedly.

Jasper refocused his eyes on mine with a slight smirk playing across his lips. His deviant expression caused my own mouth to curve into a smile as my eyes narrowed in humored suspicion. My curiosity was officially peaked. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Jasper's smirk deepened and he let out a breath before answering. "I believe Emmett is guarding Rosalie in their room."

"What?!", I gasped in shock. That wasn't funny at all!

"Who is trying to attack Rosalie?" How could this be happening without my knowledge? Why was everyone behaving so calmly? The Cullens I knew would surely be more defensive then having Emmett watch over the threatened family member.

Jasper chuckled deeply at my horrified face, his sad honey eyes twinkled with amusement.

"No one is trying to attack Rosalie. Emmet is afraid of what _she'll _say to _you_." He turned back to his work without waiting for my reaction, he had the luxury of experiencing it first hand.

"Oh". I added not knowing what else to say. It took me a few minutes to regain my composure as I surfed the wave of relief knowing Rosalie was in no real harm sent through me.

I sighed, Rosalie was angry with me… but when had Rosalie everbeen_ not _angry with me? Did my situation set her off that badly? I wondered briefly if there was a single person I hadn't ruffled with my problems.

I chewed aggressively on my lower lip as I tried to work this all out. Now I had yet another trophy added to my collection, I piss people off so badly they require personal guards the size of Arnold Swarzenegger.

I flicked my eyes up at Jasper's face. Surely he felt my confusion, my inner turmoil. But if he was feeling my pain he did not show it. He offered no explanation and I grew even more curious.

Just as I opened my mouth to question Jasper further I was interrupted. My breath caught at the sound of a familiar velvet.

"Bella, come with me."

My heart slammed to a sudden halt causing severe pain to fill my chest. Jasper stared down into his hands but they had stopped working the gun. He was motionless waiting for my reaction and became as close to a statue as anyone I had ever seen. I eyed his frozen face desperately seeking a comfort I knew wouldn't be offered. I allowed myself an indulgent second of sheer panic before my face hardened and I turned my head in the direction of the voice. Edward stood in the doorway between the gap offered from the door and the wall, his arms crossed tightly.

I studied his face intently subconsciously procrastinating in any way I could. There was no tolerance in those cold eyes now, he wouldn't wait for very long. I sighed and started to stand, Jasper placed a cool hand on my closest shoulder. I turned but he said nothing, his lips didn't move but his eyes spoke to me, they were shining and ever wounded.

I could see his pain just as clearly as he felt mine. I offered him a private smile, a token that I wasn't upset with his decision to not act against Edward. Jasper understood me, he understood and accepted my decisions more then I thought to wish for. It was my turn to understand his.

I placed the small knife back down beside Jasper's crooked knee and stood up slowly. My hands trembled with nerves and I quickly lifted them to my sweater and smoothed them over it's length to hide the obvious sign of fear. They ran over my swollen stomach which I felt protruding to almost twice it's normal size. The second I thought of all the water I had swallowed an hour ago I felt the liquid churn deliberately. I swallowed hard and shoved my hands into my pockets instead.

Edward waited until I was at his side before turning into the hallway and walking away from Alice and Jasper's room. I retraced my steps heading back in the direction of the stairs as opposed to the direction of Edward's room. I followed as slowly as I dared. My eyes avoided the walls this time, they were set on the ground. All my efforts were focused on not throwing up, not having a heart attack, and not passing out. My face remained hard, frozen into a more relaxed and comfortable expression then it deserved.

When Edward stopped my heart fluttered in dread. He fingered the doorknob but looked at me instead of opening the door. "I love you, Bella." His voice was full of hope as he searched for something in my face.

I looked back down.

There was silence and then the quiet swoosh of the door opening. My head jerked up and I saw Edward with his upper body pressed into the room.

"Carlisle, we're back."

"Wonderful, Son. How was your flight?" Edward opened the door fully now. He reached back and gently took hold of my hand. He didn't ask for permission this time.

"The flight was good, thank you." He pulled me into the large room with him. It was bright just as Jasper's was but more serious somehow. The walls were lined with bookshelves taller then Emmett, and in the back a huge desk sat in front of the window wall. A gigantic comfortable looking leather chair posed behind the desk. The room shone with all the dignity and intelligence Carlisle himself held. My eyes caught on the magnificent duo screen computer resting atop Carlisle's desk. It looked space age, like something only NASA possessed. There was no mouse and at first I was confused by that. After a moment I realized it was a touch screen and I laughed inwardly at the absurdity my relic of eighties technology called a PC looked like next to this futuristic machine.

"Good evening, Bella. It's fantastic to see you. How did you enjoy L.A.?" I turned my head a little too slowly towards Carlisle. I was lost within my thoughts. I had only recognized my name from his ramblings, everything else was just noise. I tried to rearrange the rest of his rambles into words but came up blank. All I could do was stare at the attractive young doctor.

Edward's lips were forever pulled down at the corners, but I only caught the slightest furrowing of an eyebrow from Carlisle. He was smiling again before I could convince myself it had been real.

"Sorry?", I asked. I needed to appear put together and relaxed. Spacing out in the middle of Carlisle's study was neither. I had some serious damage control to do. I smiled and hugged Carlisle like I would have in any other circumstance. He hugged me back his smile was doubled as I pulled away. His face suddenly contorted into an empathetic look and his eyes roamed behind me towards Edward, but it too was gone before I could make sure I hadn't imagined it.

"I just asked how you faired in L.A.. Did you enjoy the trip?" His tone was so caring and engaged, his pale gold eyes shone with gentility and I knew my twisted mind had been playing tricks on me.

"Oh. It was great!" I replied with a little too much enthusiasm. _Take it down a notch, Bella. Carlisle will see right through you…_ I reprimanded myself. "Renee and Phil are doing really well. The weather was amazing and I got to spend some time at the beach."

"Sounds like you really enjoyed yourself. It's good to hear." I smiled at him and allowed my eyes to sweep over the titles lining the shelf over his head. This particular section was made up of a language I couldn't even identify.

"Enough!" Edward's voice was fierce, as if he had been fighting it back this whole time and could no longer bear it's power. I jumped a little in response to it's volume and Carlisle caught me by the shoulders. We both faced him in silence.

"Enough of this insignificance. I won't waist another minute allowing Bella to harm herself, Carlisle."

I turned and smiled at Carlisle patronizingly like a mother watching her child behave foolishly. "Edward thinks I have a problem, but honestly I'm fine."

Carlisle's face tightened and looked beyond my own to Edward's. I followed Carlisle's stare and found Edward's jaw locked tightly and his nostrils flaring. One hand knuckled his copper mess of hair and the other was snow white clenched into a fist at his side. He shook in fury and his black eyes racing across Carlisle's face. Carlisle's head twitched and I realized suddenly what was happening. Edward and Carlisle were having a silent conversation.

Some of Edward's anger bubbled inside of me at this realization. I hated these men of such power conversing without my knowledge, but more then that I hated not knowing what was to come from it.

"Why don't you wait outside, Edward." Carlisle's face returned to one of solid calm. "The exam shouldn't take very long."

My insides knotted at the word 'exam'. I had to turn away in a lame attempt to hide my crazed horror. The water churned again and came dangerously close to escaping me this time, my heart pounded against my chest and my stomach dropped into an unknown depth. I knew this had been coming. I had been prepared… but I was suddenly aware I wasn't prepared _enough_. How long had I spent dancing around the outline of a shadow? How long have I devoted my existence to one of deceit and hiding? Now, without any imaginable prevention I was being yanked into a paralyzing spot light.

I had to fight this.

I had to kick and scream until there was nothing left.

I would not give in as easily as Edward wished.

I turned around and found both pairs of curious eyes upon me. _Stupid move!_ I hissed to myself. Could I do anything else wrong? I was on damage control again.

I made a show of looking around the room for a second time. "I was just wondering where the", wince, "exam will be happening?" I looked back at Carlisle. He smiled and I let out a breath of relief. He bought it.

"If you would just follow me…", he made a motion with his arm for me to follow him but then stopped. He turned to look at Edward who remained still against one of the many bookshelves. "Please, Edward. We'll be done momentarily."

I couldn't help the smirk yanking powerfully against my mouth. Edward wouldn't fight his father on this and the farther away he was from the entire process the better. I didn't want his perceptive eyes anywhere near my examination.

Edward's eyes lingered on me. He was fighting with himself, I could tell from the delicate changes in his expression, after a drawn out second he straightened and walked through the still open door of Carlisle's study. It closed with a quiet click.

The silence was deafening.

I could hear my own breath, my own heart beat.

I forced myself to remain still when the cold of Carlisle's hand met the small of my back.

"This way, Bella" I saw now where Carlisle had been motioning toward earlier. A door somewhat thinner then the study's main entry stood hidden previously by a thick bookshelf. He started towards it and I followed numbly. He opened it with one smooth motion and we both walked into what looked unmistakably like a doctor's office. The floor had changed from a dark polished hard wood to gleaming white tiles. A metal table took center stage and countertops lined three of the four walls, a large sink taking up half of one counter. Above them hung wooden cabinets with glass doors allowing the hundreds of pristine tools and gadgets to be displayed. A single cabinet held rows and rows of neatly placed bottles full of pills and medications.

I stared around this miniature ER in disbelief. I had no idea this room existed. What other secrets did these walls hold?

Carlisle chuckled. "Convenient, isn't it?'.

I looked back at him in awe.

"Originally this space was a bathroom, but seeing the lack of necessity for such things Esme transformed it into a fully functional office when we moved in. I don't get much use out of it, but I suppose that is a good thing." He pat the steel table lightly, "Please take a seat, Bella."

I tried desperately to remain calm as my heart thundered in my chest. My eyes blurred slightly and everything became a smudge of color. I walked towards the grey smudge and climbed up onto it's cold flat surface. I rubbed my eyes quickly and when I opened them the room was back in focus. Carlisle's back was turned toward me as he tinkered over one of the countertops.

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Try and relax." My eyes narrowed as I stared unbelievingly at his broad shoulders. Right, like there was any way I could relax right now.

"I'm going to ask you to take your clothes off. I have one of Emmett's T-shirts on the table for you to change into, it will make it easier for me to gain an assessment. Is that ok?"

He turned around to take in my response, his cheery eyes dancing across my face. I wanted to shout 'NO!'. I was in no way comfortable exposing myself to Carlisle. He was too smart, too quick. I knew I had no choice, I kept my face calm and nodded once.

He smiled wider with twinkling eyes, "Alright. I'll be back in a minute."

I watched as he left the sterile room. Once alone I made quick work of stripping down to my panties and bra before tugging on the T-shirt folded perfectly at the edge of the table. My body shook fiercely as the cold sanitized air licked my skin. The thin material was huge, falling down to just above my knees, the sleeves beyond the crook of my elbow. I smiled, this shirt most definitely belonged to Emmett. I tried to find my reflection in the glass of the cabinet doors. I needed to see if my new clothing gave too much away. All I could see was my face, the doors were too high off the ground for the rest of my body. I thought momentarily of standing up on the large table then thought better of it. How would that look if Carlisle walked in? Instead I looked down. It wasn't too bad. The material was like a large sheet hiding any form of shape. I tried to use this as a comfort while I folded my jeans into a neat bundle.

I heard a soft knock on the door just as I hopped back onto the table. Carlisle walked back into the room and chuckled at my appearance. "Yes, I think I was quite right in assuming Emmett's shirt would make a suitable hospital gown."

I forced my lips into a smile, I had to be strong.

"Let's start with the basics, shall we?" Carlisle spoke in a soothing voice but my insides twisted and shred with his words. A cold sweat formed on my forehead and the freezing table made my shiver.

"Are you all right, Bella?"

I cursed my weakness. I refuse to fall apart like this. I _will _fight.

"Yeah, I'm fine. The - uh- the table is just really cold." I mumbled.

Carlisle smiled, "Sorry about that." He paused then pulled out a golden pen from his pocket. "Can you hop on the scale for me?"

I held my frame steady aware of every inch of my body. I used all my will to keep smiling and force the rising bile back down my throat. "Sure", I managed. I dropped off the table's surface and walked into the corner behind the room's thin door. I stepped up onto an average looking balance scale and held my breath. I tried to force my weight down all in one place, it was the only way I could think to forge an extra pound or two. Carlisle's nimble fingers worked the small black weights until he found the sweet spot and stopped. I read the number on the metal bar, eighty seven pounds. The number was both a relief and daunting. I was happy my efforts today were working. My weight increased by three pounds since this afternoon. The water in my stomach and strategic foot placement had done their jobs.

One glance at Carlisle's composed face while he recorded the number onto a note pad, however, had me sure it wasn't good enough.

"Now for your height" Carlisle reached behind me and pulled up a slender attachment from the neck of the scale.

"Stand up as straight as you can please." I followed his direction and straightened myself out stretching to my full height. I waited while he adjusted the measuring piece until it grazed the crown of my skull. "Five three. You can hop off now, Bella."

My bare feet slapped against the cold tile as I waked back towards the table. I climbed onto it in one swift motion and watched as Carlisle took his time walking across the room to meet me. He placed the buds of a stethoscope into his ears then extended it's head to my chest. The cool metal filled me with chills even through the cotton of my shirt but I was alright. This part of the exam was not a threat, nothing was wrong with my heart.

When Carlisle's eyebrows furrowed as he readjusted the stethoscope I was sure he would notice the jump in my pulse. Unknown worries came crashing into my mind all at once. Were there ways to know just from the beat of my heart?

Carlisle removed the instrument from his ears and placed it around the back of his neck then added to the notes in his pad. When he looked up his mouth was back in a gentle smile but it did nothing to calm me. A smile meant nothing. World devastation could be hidden behind upturned lips. I only needed to look so far as my own cheesy grin for proof.

"Would you mind standing up for me, Bella? I'd like you to bow over so I can check your spine alignment." Carlisle was courteous as ever, his bright gold hair shining in the too harsh glow of the office lights.

My mind cringed, there was no reason for Carlisle to check my back. That wouldn't be effected by any of this, he had an ulterior motive. I sat with my hardened mask in place and bore into his eyes. He smiled warmly back seemingly unaffected. I knew better, this was a silent war. No one here wanted to openly argue with the other, no emotions needed spilling. Each side had their goal, each unwilling to bow for the other.

"Bella, honey, I need to check your spine.", Carlisle repeated after the heavy silence. "I need to make sure it's healthy."

I knew there was little to gain in resistance at this point. I pushed down off of the table and stood up straight turning to Carlisle. The words spilt like sick through my defiant lips with only a twang of the rebellion I encompassed, "I _am _healthy."

I regretted this disability to keep my defenses in check, resistance is a well known warning sign Carlisle would be unlikely to miss.

Sure enough his face fell momentarily but the smile once again returned in record time. "I'll be elated if that is the case, Bella. Please bow towards the door and allow your arms to hang down to the ground."

I turned to the small door and rolled my eyes after becoming certain they weren't in his line of sight. I bent my back as if offering the door my respects and my arms dangled pathetically near the tiles' surface. I was only partially aware of how ridiculous my position looked because at the moment Carlisle's frigid fingers were running up and down my back. My heart stopped as I felt them trace the vivid outline of my protruding ribs. My eyes bulged and I had to bite my mouth closed to keep the water in. This was it, the end. His hands abandoned my ribs only to meet my jutting hip bones. His experienced fingers knew exactly where to find the structures and joints. My head filled with a buzzing white fog as my stomach grew even more upset.

I bolted out from the bowing position and quickly turned my back away from Carlisle. Away from his educated hands.

He looked at me with a gentle curiosity.

"I'm ticklish." I added lamely.

Carlisle nodded his head and sighed in a way that made me uneasy. "Alright, Bella."

I moved back towards the table and cursed the notes he insisted on taking after every little step. He placed the pad on the countertop and picked up my right hand. I looked up into his face questioningly. Why did he need to look at my hand?

His eyes were dead set on my fingers and I followed his gaze down. There was nothing exceptional about them. They looked the same as they always had, a little thinner maybe but not disturbingly so. Carlisle pressed his thumb into the middle joint of my index finger and observed the effect it caused. The spot of pressure turned white momentarily, then quickly faded to a red-pink, and finally returned to the regular blue-skin tone.

Carlisle turned to jot down his findings as I lifted my finger closer to my eyes. They _were _blue. I had never noticed that before and now it was so obvious. I eyed Carlisle and shoved the offending hand under my thigh.

"Your hands are cold", He said from his notes without turning around. My heart pounded against my chest.

"So are yours." I added.

He chuckled and turned back towards me. His hand raised to my face and without an explanation he pulled down at the bottom of my eyelids. It took no longer then a second but his laugh died suddenly at whatever he saw there.

"Now just lay back for me please." His voice was light but his face gave away his graveness. I rubbed my eye gently trying to reverse the dry feeling caused by the sudden exposure to cool air. I sighed becoming frustrated by these unforeseen tests. My nerves were fighting to overwhelm my system but my will only just kept them in check. I obeyed and drooped down until my back met the stainless steel surface. I squirmed until I was higher up and comfortable, as comfortable as I _could _be in this situation.

"I'm going to be applying some slight pressure, tell me if you feel any pain".

I nodded my head and closed my eyes with a deep breath. His hand felt at the lower right portion of my abdomen searching for something I couldn't even guess at. _You're pathetic. You thought you could fool Carlisle Cullen? He knows more about the human body then any human ever has! _Tears began to well up in my closed eyes as a weak pain shot up from where Carlisle pushed into my side. _He's finding things that you didn't even know to hide! You fought. You lost._

"Alright, Bella. You can sit up, I think that's everything. I'm going to let you get changed, when you're ready please join me in my office." I couldn't tell if he was smiling or not. I turned quickly away from him to hide my tears. I heard the door snap closed and could no longer fight them. They came rushing out along with the little hope I had. My legs gave way and I crumpled onto the cold floor. Shaking, not from the tile but rather the fierce terror of what would happen. I was so unsure of my future. Could they force me to eat if I refused? Did they wish to fatten me up like an animal? I didn't see that being a possibility. So what happened to people like me? How did their families 'fix' them?

The only thing I was definite on were the sharp edges of my world crashing down around me. I saw their threatening blades glimmer in the light ready to put an end to my life. I watched as they fell, coming closer and closer. The question was would I remain still? Would I become a mere witness to my undoing? Or would I jump and maneuver away into safety?

I promised myself I would fight to the very end. I had to keep my word, had to keep trying even if it killed me. Right now it felt like the latter would come first. I cleared my throat and used Emmett's shirt to wipe away my tears. I stood shakily up and peeled off the sagging material then replaced it with my jeans and sweater. After refolding the t-shirt I checked my reflection, took a deep breath, and plastered a smile on my face before opening the thin door to Carlisle's study.

I found him sitting at his desk going over a thick text. Edward had returned and took me in with an intensity that knocked the breath out of me. I forced my eyes downward and walked carefully nearer to the desk stopping two feet from it's edge.

"Bella, I think we need to discuss the situation at hand." Carlisle was smooth and calm but lacked his usual smile. I glanced at his serious face before my stomach lurched. Edward's arm was around my waist all at once pulling me in closer to his body. Our eyes met and a bone cold chill raced through me.

For the first time I was ashamed.

I was a child. I had been caught.

I was painfully aware of both men's stare. My insides burned with a hot desire to hide.

My eyes brushed casually across the room to the grand door.

Thirty seconds, I calculated.

Thirty seconds is all it would take to run through that door. Run and free myself from this uncomfortable torture.

I sighed.

One second, I calculated.

One second is all it would take for Edward to catch me.

Carlisle's voice broke into my thoughts. "I think we should start with your wishes, Bella."

My neck twanged with pain as I snapped it in his direction. My eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. I had to reanalyze his statement to make sure I wasn't hearing things. _My wishes?… Carlisle wanted to hear my wishes? _I wasn't expecting my opinion to be brought up at any point tonight. I stood as the slow wheels in my head tried to make sense of this request.

One glance at Edward's trademark pout revealed his disapproval. His eyes were powerfully intimidating directed towards his father, but Carlisle remained unruffled.

"What do you think would be the best solution.", Carlisle spelt it out as if to a child. I didn't know what to say and so my wide eyes continued to stare blankly. What I wanted was for this whole thing to go away. I wanted to go back in time and burn the photo album that gave me away. I wanted to lock the window Edward crawled into that night. I wanted control over my own life. I wanted to be beautiful for Edward. I wanted to be worthy of his love. I wanted to hold him and not worry about anything but his skin on mine.

I wanted my body back.

I wanted my mind back.

The room grew thick with anticipation as tears formed and clung to my lashes. Heat built up in my face and Carlisle's outline blurred into the background.

"Bella, you have to trust us.", Carlisle stood from the lush chair and appeared to float around the large desk. He took my shoulder into his large hand his eyes shone with warm sincerity. "We want what is best for you. My family will do whatever it takes to see you healthy again, but I would much rather have you involved and cooperative with these decisions."

My heart raced, I didn't like the direction he was heading. "Wh- , what decisions?". I fumbled to get the words out. My lips were numb with fear.

Carlisle sighed heavily, "You don't have to do this anymore, Bella. You can stop hiding. We're here to help. I thought I would be able to handle your case from home, I wasn't expecting this volume of damage."

I felt Edward shift next to me through my numb skin. My heaving breaths filled my ears and Carlisle's words began to drift into the background.

"I hoped your condition wouldn't be this progressed, I have handled my fare share of eating disorder cases but I do not pretend to have a strong background in psychology. I think it would be in your best interest to pass this on to a doctor whom specializes in that area."

"Bella will have the best care, I don't care where it is. I'll make the arrangements." I heard a smooth ribbon of Edward's voice but the words cut through me like knives.

"I'm not going anywhere." I whispered in a dead monotony. My eyes were still on Carlisle but they had long since blurred into unfocussed. I saw nothing while little thought passed through my head, one clear image being portrayed in front of my blank eyes. I saw myself being yanked from the arms of Charlie, ripped from my home and friends. I was in a room, a severely white and terrifying room. I saw myself folded into a ball crying, I was hysterical, alone.

My body shook and the violent movement cleared the vision and my mind at once. Edward's face came into focus in front of my eyes, he was so close. I felt his cool hands on my shoulders, he was the cause for my body's shaking.

"Bella, don't be ridiculous. You will be treated, and you will recover from this. You'll be happy again… I promise." The fierce sadness in his black eyes undid his attempt at authority. I saw through his charade, it was paper thin and as fragile as my spirit.

He was just as lost as I was. I wanted to feel bad for him, the boy I remembered burning with passion for. The boy that filled me with the aftertaste of love. There in that minute while I saw my face reflected in pitch orbs I searched my frostbitten heart for a trace of compassion, the regard I owed Edward.

It was in that minute I found my pathetic truth. Edward was lost, as I was. My heart rest idle and chilled, dead, as his was.

True to a bankrupt soul I used Edward's precious confusion to my advantage. The road I traveled held no room for him. "I don't believe you." The words were too soft, barely detectable by my ears but Edward's face reigned in agony. The rustling of paper drew both our distressed attentions towards Carlisle. He looked in a similar discontent, yet in true character remained strong and proactive. "I have an expert here, Bella. The phone number of a clinic in L.A.."

Edward let my sides go and tore the sleek silver phone from his jean pocket. His fingers moved too quick, I couldn't absorb the motion.

"No.", I whispered. My heaving breath got caught in my throat causing me to choke. The room span out of control as my slow mind began to process what was happening. The arrangements for my institutionalization were being made right in front of me and against my will. A dragon of savage emotion clawed through my chest. It tore at the scarred tissue from Edward's abandonment and my flesh ripped open releasing the nightmare that used to walk in my shadows. My undoing was forming in front of my eyes and the walls were closing in around me. I was barely aware of Carlisle's hand on my forehead or Edward's broken telephone conversation. I couldn't breath, there was no room left.

"NO!" I only just realized what I'd screamed with blood curdling despair after Carlisle's worried hand dropped from my face and the room grew silent. None of these things affected my hysteria as the oxygen ran thin. My eyes grew blind with thick tears while my heart beat so aggressively my ribs grew sore. An unmet decision flashing like vivid neon lights singed my brain with an arrogant snarling laughter, there was no choice. The decision was already made and it killed the tiniest section of my shrived heart, the last inch of living tissue now froze never to beat again. I had to save myself. My system was overloading. There was nothing left to lose, and being here was too dangerous. I had to get out.

I didn't waist a second on thought, my feet kicked out from under me and before I drew a second breath I was halfway across the room. Edward's growl ripped at my failing nerves but couldn't add to my hysteria while I tore down the second floor hallway. I ran faster then I knew possible as I ignored the stunned faces of Emmett and Rosalie when they peered from a blurred doorway. I jumped five steps at a time down the stairway and wasted no time on Jasper's sad eyes or Alice's musical protest.

"Sweetie?.." Esme's were the last words before my feet ripped through fresh snow. The dry icy air felt like knives jabbing at the back of my throat and filling my lungs with a thick pain, but for once the cold was welcome. A small amount of pressure began to chip off after my breathing grew more desperate from the panicked sprint.

If running is what my pathetic failure came to, then I would meet this challenge as I have all the others.

And so I ran.

**AN:**

**I know… I'm sorry.**

**I only have one word… well two, to use as self defense -school and midterms… you try holding a double major and writing a story… it's hard. On the upside I offer you this LONG chapter. Forgive me?…**

**Chapter Songs - **

**1.) Love Lockdown, Kanye West (Bella's revelation about her feelings towards Edward after the examination)**

**2.) Get Free, The Vines (Bella's crazed mind and only desire while fleeing the Cullens' condemnation.) **

**What do you guys think?!?!?! Did Carlisle's reaction meet your expectation?…**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	36. Chapter 36

****SUPER THANKS TO THE SISTER OF MY TWILIGHT SOUL!!! (The Russian spy is on to us... she knows that we know what she is... this will have no effect on our mission...)****

**Chapter 36:**

**AN - Ok guys, I have officially posted the "Which Starved chapter do you want to see in Edward's POV?" poll to my profile. So if you want a say in the result just click on ChanelBell7887 above to access my profile and vote away! You can vote for three different chapters and the highest ranking chapter will be written in EPOV and posted along with the next chapter of Starved. **

**GO VOTE!!! **

"Sweetie?.." Esme's were the last words before my feet ripped through fresh snow. The dry icy air felt like knives jabbing at the back of my throat and filling my lungs with a thick pain, but for once the cold was welcome. A small amount of pressure began to chip off after my breathing grew more desperate from the panicked sprint.

If running is what my pathetic failure came to, then I would meet this challenge as I have all the others.

And so I ran.

And ran.

And ran.

After an immeasurable period of time my body roared with crazed protests. Fire and ice competing once again for foremost attention. With every hasted pace my ankle's thin flesh tore from the blade like sheet of ice blanketing the top layer of powdery snow. It cracked and snapped under my weight, digging into my legs far enough to draw droplets of blood. They now seared from the prolonged irritation making it increasingly harder to ignore.

I side stepped into the thick cover of trees offered by Forks' prominent forest. The snow thinned until the canopy of pine provided a rich supply of hard dirt, leaves, and root. My ankles were thankful for relief, but the shade also meant lower temperatures and the rest of my body ached in ill content.

My hands, my arms, my face, and feet. They begged me for reprieve, the midwinter's cold was too much. All at once the small pains bleed together and overwhelmed me with a force stronger then my will to continue on. I threw myself to my knees and grasped at the earth between my fingers in defeat as my chest heaved in and out.

I waited for my breath to even, but that calm never came. Instead the rise and fall of my chest intensified, terrified with my bodies distress I grabbed my chest that all of a sudden filled with sharp torture. My back and neck slicked with cold sweat as my spine involuntarily curled into a bow for the second time today. With a flash of excruciating nausea I coughed and all the uncooperative water came rushing out my mouth.

I knelt there, over my puddle of sick and let the heavy tears add and blend into it. I watched as the clear drops fell holding so much in them.

_Did each tear have it's own heart ache? It's own memory? Or are they all mixed together in one tragedy?_

I wiped my mouth of the wet that already began to crystallize and moved away to a dryer patch of dirt landing roughly on my back. My mind actively focused on regulating my vitals which lead the blurriness of tears in my eyes to clear. I was freezing. My toes, fingers, and ears were beyond pain having already passed into a numb stage, but just about everywhere else hurt. I had to get back up.

I had to.

_Where am I going to go-_

Before I fully considered the question, I knew the answer. I knew who I could always turn to, and the knowledge filled my freezer burnt body with little bundle of warmth.

I smiled with Jacob's goofy grin as I sighed loudly to myself. "Jacob.", I spoke his name as if confirming my plans. "It will always be Jacob." And it would always be Jacob. He would always be my safety. My shelter from the storm.

It just really sucks the storm in this case involves me in a twenty four hour lockdown at some psych ward.

With my newly attained direction and the smallest glimmer of hope at the aspect of more time, time to think, time to pull myself together and come up with some way out of this mess. I pulled myself off the hard earth and continued on, this time headed for LaPush. Headed for my Jacob and for his unquestioning support.

______________________________________________________

"Jake!?" In the midst of an internal deliberation over which was the best approach to Jacob in this nightmarish situation I ran face first into his hard back silencing the different options all at once. He wasn't inside the house or his dingy shed, instead he stood tall in front of some unknown metal structure beside the curb across from his property. After my assault he swung quickly around to find the source, carrying with him the grin I loved.

My heart sank into the frigid depths of my stomach.

Something went wrong, I was still cold. Where was the sun? Why didn't I feel anything?!

"Bella!", his face lit up brighter then before at my presence but still no warmth. _What's going on?! _I was dumbfounded_. _I could see his bright teeth being covered as his lips fell first into confusion, then a frown as I stood still and silent with a gaping mouth.

I had no idea what to think. For as long as I knew Jacob he has always been my feel good solution. No matter how bad life got I always had Jacob to run to. Now…. now I was here. I was here with Jake, my painkiller, my repair man… only I still hurt. I was still broken.

I let out a shaky unbelieving gust of breath as I turned my head down away from his eyes to compose my mildly shocked and horrified face. I never thought I would have to hide like this, not from Jacob. I never even conceived a day where my Jake couldn't make me feel better.

With a more grudging heart then for anyone else I smiled. I smiled when I truly wanted to cry. I wished to let go and show Jacob just how lost I was, how lonely I have become. There was no point anymore, he couldn't make me smile, _truly _smile, no one could.

I tried to hide my shaking body while my mind overwhelmed with desire for understanding. If Jacob couldn't help me anymore I had no where else to go. No one to reach for. I was a single dead star in a sky of burning novas. My sun's flaring heat couldn't touch me now.

I was completely alone.

An island surrounded by oceans swarming with sharks. I could stand here close enough to kiss Jacob. I could go back and stand in the Cullen's main room literally encircled by the good meaning, however miss lead undead. I could be draped in Charlie's, even Renee's arms. I could be locked in a cold sterile building with countless other head cases and no where to turn for a second's privacy, and still, I would be alone.

My eyes tingled with the bitter taste of raw truth but there were no tears to cry. I was exhausted, and I had become the conductor in a symphony of awkward silence between life long friends. I sighed one last time as I had countless times before succumbing to the parasite of my thoughts, I obeyed the nameless force once again and 'sucked it up'.

I looked back up at Jacob, phony smile in place hoping he would find comfort in it. His face relaxed along with his previously tensed shoulders as I caught my first glimpse of the metal his body was hiding from my view. My smile warped into a gaping hole as my jaw dropped open.

"JACOB!" I pushed his massive body to the side with unnatural ease. He willingly stepped away allowing me to stand in front a huge shining black motorcycle. It looked so angry and dangerous propped against a thin metal stick. It's fluent curves and muscular body gave it more of an animalistic aura then mechanic. The bike intimidated me, I took a clumsy step back grabbing Jake's hand on the way pulling him aside as well.

"Jacob How-Yak Black!" The basics were all I could spit out amidst my shock but I was sure the outraged expression on my face was worth a thousand words. I could see myself, an outsider looking in. My fists tight and at my hips, my head sticking out violently in his direction with a fuming pout. I looked like Jacob's babysitter after he got caught doing something bad. Jake's smooth chuckle sounded from next to me. I opened my mouth to reprimand him but was stopped when he took my shoulders into his warm hands.

"Chill, Bella. It's just a bike." With one hand still on me he reached out and rubbed his palm against the glistening black body. "A gnarly bike."

"Why?" The shock was beginning to wear off but the concept of Jake on that big thing kept my stomach in a rolling knot of tension.

He turned his head with a devilish grin sending me into a flash back of Jasper.

"_Why_?", he repeated with an evil twinkle in his eye. "Because Quill, Embry, and my dad all went in to get it for me as a Christmas gift. The _best _Christmas gift!" His eyes returned to the metal, this time he swung one leg over the structure and rested atop it.

I smiled at the handsome sight of Jacob so happy and proud, I was being stupid. Of course Jacob could handle this beast. I tried to make up for my unusual arrival and questionable behavior with a trip down memory lane.

"Well that's just a plain lie, Jake. I believe we _both _know what the best Christmas gift you ever got was."

We laughed full hearty laughs in unison at the memory of our childhood Christmas'. Charlie always had Billy and Jake over on Christmas Eve to celebrate and it was tradition to exchange our gifts after dinner. When we were six I had spent all my piggy bank money on a Hair Color Changing Barbie for Jacob. I believed with all my heart he would love it every bit as much as I did. In return Jacob gave me a life like wooden carving of a wolf. It was baring it's teeth and scared me at night when the lights were out. We never spoke a word concerning the misguided gifts until years later. We both didn't want the other to feel badly.

"Yeah, I guess this awesome ride comes second to Hair Change Barbie." We laughed again and Jake stuck his long arm out to me. With a left over smile I looked at it.

"What?" I was still grinning when I realized what he wanted. My face fell once again into shock.

"Do you actually think I would be stupid enough to ride on that thing?", I demanded in disbelief. The only reaction Jacob had to my curtness was a casual roll of the eyes and his usual grin.

"Come on, Bells. It's fun." I snorted.

"You know I would never ask you to do something dangerous." Jacob's face grew serious in that one moment, but quickly returned to a more natural excitement. "Besides, it feels awesome to do something you know your parents would disapprove of."

I almost choked over the aggressive laughter ripping through my throat. Jacob couldn't have sounded less rebellious if he tried. My snicker drew a dark cloud over his features and the machine roared to life with his foots demand.

"Fine, suit yourself." Jacob twisted one of the handlebars causing the engine to rev. While doing so he shot me one last glare that again reminded me of someone else, Edward.

It seemed like all I could get from Edward recently has been glares or worried expressions and I was tired of it. I didn't want his attention, not in that way. I never asked for it and I don't need it. A hot anger bubbled in my stomach, without Edward's prodding eyes I wouldn't be here in LaPush hiding from life.

My lips curled up, "Wait!". I grabbed Jacob's shoulders and swung my leg over the pulsing metal. "I could use a little disobedience in my life too." Edward would literally knock a building over if he knew I was riding behind Jacob on this motorcycle, for some reason that made me rush with adrenaline.

Jacob turned his head and laughed. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

I squeezed my arms I held clutched around Jacob's stomach and pressed my face between his shoulder blades as the world around us turned into flashes of broken color and sound. The motorcycle under us vibrated fiercely while Jacob's laughs carried back and swirled around my ears like wild air. His joy was contagious and while it was rooted in a false trip-like state, I allowed the cheap thrill to fill me. Our laughter ripped from our mouths and surged behind us before we could hear the sound.

_________________________________

Before I was ready Jacob pulled into his driveway. Along with the arctic wind reality hit me strong and hard.

"Bella, Dr. Cullen was looking for you. He called a little while ago but I told him you weren't here. I didn't see you out there.", Billy called from the front door. My insides squirmed but I kept a clam face. _How did they know?! _I waved my hand to let Billy know I'd heard.

Jacob was bent over tinkering with something under the bike, "What does a Dr. want with you?", he asked casually. I rubbed my stomach grateful the water had already been purged, lying to Jake was sheer torture and my stomach crawled in protest.

"Carlisle is Edward's father, he was probably just looking for him." the lie slid easily from my tongue. No hesitation, no second thought. What was happening to me? This other person inside my head played with the controls growing stronger every day I fell weaker. It laughed while I mourned for my soul. Another battle lost.

I'd become a liar.

"Do you want to call him back?" Jacob stood up to face me waiting for a response.

I let out an exaggerated sigh. Why couldn't he just let this go? My head lolled back facing the pitch sky while I scrambled for another excuse.

"Oh! I get it, Bells." I lowered my eyes, taking in the enlightened expression igniting Jacob's face. My forehead crinkled together in confusion. _What did he get? Jacob couldn't know the truth…. Could he?_

"You're hiding from Cullen, the little one, Alice. You're avoiding her and her insane party planning aren't you?"

My face didn't shift an inch, I was still completely lost.

"Don't worry, I don't blame you for avoiding that house at this time of the year. Little miss pixie _is _kind of scary." Jacob shivered where he stood as if he were truly horrified by Alice's favorite past time.

I shook my head softly trying to understand, "Jake, the party is over. Don't you remember? We went together a couple of days ago."

"Duh, I know the Christmas party is over. I'm talking about _her _party. Her _birthday _party." His dark eyes grew wide in fear.

I quickly racked my brain for any mention of Alice's birthday, but there was nothing to find.

"Usually everyone gets hyped about it months ahead of time but the Christmas party this year kind of threw people off. Now they only have a couple of months to freak out" Jake chuckled at his remark while I attempted to put these fuzzy puzzle pieces together.

"I can't _believe _Alice is throwing _another _party." I couldn't believe Alice never mentioned her birthday to me. I thought we were getting so close. The gap between my burnt up star and the universe' supernova's widened.

Jacob's face fell into question, "There is no possible way mini Cullen hasn't told you about this party. She invites strangers off the street to that thing." My heart plummeted. _Alone_.

The night sky around Jacob hid his features like the disguise I bore. Full of defeat I listened to my breath as I sucked in then pushed it out through open lips. My eyes hurt, too many tears. I didn't want to have this conversation, I didn't want to be outside in this cold.

I was tired. Tired on so many levels, I'd lost count.

"Jake, do you think I could crash here. I'm really beat, not to mention freezing my butt off." I rubbed my hands against my upper arms to enhance the effect. Even through the evenings veil I saw Jacob's eyes narrow. After a moments pause he took me under his arm and lead us to the house.

"Always, Bells."

____________________________________________________________

"What the-?!" My heart rammed against delicate ribs from the slap of consciousness a loud ringing forced. My blurry eyes took a while to focus enough to make out the time on Jake's bedside clock. 1:27 a.m. Jake found my shoulder in the pitch black of his tiny bedroom and shoved me back into a lying position.

"It's just my cell, go back to bed." After the source of noise was identified I relaxed and despite my hammering heart I closed my eyelids and tucked my face back under Jacob's arm. Before I could get comfortable the same loud ringing sounded. I moaned softly cursing whichever of Jacob's friends decided it was imperative to talk this instant; while Jacob did the same out loud.

I felt his body shift next to mine as he reached for his phone, then stop.

"Who is it?" I mumbled already halfway asleep.

"No one special." Jacob whispered then tugged his comforter over my shoulders. I was immersed in a peaceful slumber before he reached the bedroom door.

__________________________

Motion tore me from sleep once again, I instinctually checked the clock, 1:53 a.m. I turned over as Jacob's arm grabbed my upper body pulling me rather forcefully into his chest. I wouldn't have thought anything of the action except his roughness was just so uncharacteristic. Once engulfed by Jacob's torso I could feel him shaking.

"Here, Jake. Get under the blanket, you're freezing." I lifted the material trying to aid Jacob, but he didn't budge.

"Go to bed." The words were quiet, but not soft. As I lay there questioning Jacob's behavior I once again bowed to the will of exhaust and faded into darkness.

____________________________________

When I opened my eyes next, the world was bright once more. My eyes stuck on crystal like drops of water melting down from the snow mound above Jacob's window. They sparkled like diamonds mid-fall as the light caught them. I looked away quickly.

The peppy chirp of a nearby bird filled Jacob's small room. No wonder Jacob always smiled, it would be hard to wake angry in such a pleasant environment. I stretched my limbs out across the empty bed relishing the rush of pleasure it sent through me. I wrapped Jacob's thick blanket around my shoulders and walked over to the window. It was unusually light out considering there was no sun to be seen, but the light was more then is expected in this dreary town, so the view made me smile. It was the best morning I'd had in days.

I walked down the narrow hallway that lead to the Black's kitchen with a smart remark concerning Jacob waking up first for the first time _ever _ready on my lips. As I rounded the corner I caught an early glance of Jake sitting at the far end of the Kitchen table.

"Hey, Jake strap! Why'd you get up so early? Was there a Barbie sale I didn't know about?"

I giggled furiously over my own joke acting more like Jake then I would have liked. I took a step closer, finally passing the cabinet that blocked most of his body from my view and I stumbled back so fast I tripped over the dragging blanket and fell to the hardwood floor.

The blood rushing through my body grew so loud it was all I could hear through hot ears. My vision fogged over as I clawed desperately at the ground blindly trying to stand, trying to get away.

Through the flood of my heart beat I heard two chairs scrape against the floor. My stomach rolled and I bent forward with an open mouth ready for the surge of nausea.

"Bella?" Jake's voice was worried, worried in the exact way I didn't need right now.

One strong arm slipped around my back pulling me up with a single fluid motion.

"Edward."

**AN - Ok guys, I have officially posted the "Which Starved chapter do you want to see in Edward's POV?" poll to my profile. So if you want a say in the result just click on ChanelBell7887 above to access my profile and vote away! You can vote for three different chapters and the highest ranking chapter will be written in EPOV and posted along with the next chapter of Starved. **

**GO VOTE!!! **

**Side Note - Do any of you guys watch Gossip Girl?… If so I would like to lodge a formal complaint - they totally stole my line!!! (STARVED - My knight in skinny Armani jeans. / GOSSIP GIRL - My knight in shinning Armani.) Grrr!.. Biters!!! **

**Ok - what do you guys think? I tried really hard to get this out in a timely fashion… 2 weeks is better than a month and a half, right?**

**So what do you think of Bella going back to Jacob?**

**What about Jacob not being able to cheer her up?**

**WHAT ABOUT JACOB's BIKE?! You didn't think I was gunna' throw that one in there, did ya'?! **

**Sorry about the cliffy… oh, who am I kidding?! No I'm NOT! LOL!!!**

**CHAPTER SONGS - All The Things She Said, by TATU (I know it's about lesbian love, but just pretend its about Bella and her ED. They are like 2 people arguing inside one body and the song goes beautifully with it. Like they hate each other, but love each other at the same time and the result is a whole bunch of crazy and line crossing.)**

**I Explode, by E for Explosion. It's Bella and Jacob (minus any romance… it's hard to find a song about friends) About how he wants her to be happy, and for them to be together… but Bella is just ready to give up on herself.**

**Goodbye to You, Michelle Branch. This is Bella realizing she is now a completely different being then who she started out as. She's saying goodbye to herself and to Jacob. Jacob used to be her safety, now he is just another person to run from. **

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	37. Chapter 37

**SHOUT OUT! "I'm holla'-ing at you B to the rittni! **

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**Chapter 37:**

In.

Out.

The sound of my breath filled the room.

In.

Out.

A pair of brown eyes on me.

In.

A pair of black eyes on me.

Out.

In.

Out.

Anger.

A soul shifting surge of anger flowing hot through my veins.

A pair of dripping chocolate eyes burning into brown ones, now narrow in fear.

In.

Out.

In.

Ou- caught. My breath caught, my thought caught, everything stopped moving. And then it started, and it started fast.

"What did you do?!" my loud shrieking voice remained fierce despite the heaving in my chest. Jacob turned his face down, shy for the first time in our lives together.

"I'm sorry, Bells…" I lunged forward grabbing the thin white cotton of his shirt in my balled up fists.

"No, Jacob! You don't get to be sorry!" His dark eyes rose up to meet mine, no longer warm and comfortable. Those were the eyes of an opponent. My newest hurdle.

_Goodbye, Jacob._

"You don't get that luxury! You chose this! You did this to me, Jacob! How could you!?"

"Come on, Bells. You don't mean that." Jake sighed lifting his large hand to my cheek. "I didn't know what to do, I only know I need you in my life. I'll always need you, you have to get better for me, Bells." He closed his eyes and leaned in to hug me. My hand meet his face in a crisp resentful smack before he got the chance. The offending hand burned from the forceful impact but it hung, forgotten. The fire in my eyes consumed me. Water rushed forth extinguishing the disgusted flames.

"I am NOT sick!" the words seeped in one smooth sound from between my clenched teeth. The hiss before a rattler's attack.

I was pulled back immediately by an insistent cool body seemingly attached to my side.

My face, now hot and wet with terrified hysteria, set directly on Jacob. "Well, I hope you're happy! I hope this is exactly what you wanted! I'm leaving, Jake. They're shipping me off across the country!" with that, Jacob's shocked face snapped back into focus.

"What?" He didn't waist time looking at me, he went directly to Edward.

Jacob's dislike of the idea filled a small part of me with bitter pleasure. He deserved this pain, even if it was only a mere fraction of my own. I followed Jacob's stare to Edward's perfect white face.

"What - you're just going to send her away? You think that will make everything better?"

Edward's jaw tightened instantly. A dark shadow clouded his already black eyes while he turned his flaring face toward an unstable Jacob. When he spoke, the words carrying with them an obvious tinge of distaste.

"I _think _my father knows what he is doing.", his eyes foamed with savage warning.

I watched the hostile exchange without fear. An unattached spectator. I was team-less. Neither team Jacob or team Edward. Whoever lost shouldn't seek sympathy, not on my part.

"Carlisle is the best. We'll do anything we have to. We _will _fix this."

Jacob opened his mouth then quickly shut it. Edward's eyes were now positively terrifying.

I didn't blame Jacob for backing down, Edward was anything if convincing. Even I could sense Edward would have his way. He would rip through barriers and break down buildings to make it so. He was already tearing our love apart.

It was time.

It was time and I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know how to protect myself.

More tears, would they ever stop? I begged my body to dry up. My hands slapped tight over my eyes.

A child hiding from the boogey man. I hid under fleshy sheets.

"Well…" A sigh I recognized without visual aid. "I hope it works." Jacob's voice also converted, he too was a timid child . "You don't have to believe me, or even like me right now, Bells. But, I do love you, I'll be here." He stopped and gasped for more air. The urgency in his always stable voice had me looking back into his large eyes. "I'll be right here needing you."

I wanted to hug him. The ancient desire to wipe away my best friend's tears, to comfort him and reassure him was overwhelming. For that I was livid. He had no right to provoke such emotions from me. Not after what he just pulled.

My lips curled down in a forced scowl, the tears of hurt cloaked as tears of hate.

"I'll be hundreds of miles away knowing you put me there."

I turned and walked to the Black's front door without a second glance back. I slammed the door open and stomped through.

I waited for the wood to snap shut before letting out a desperate sob. My body leaned back against the house and slid down until I folded into a kneeling position. My hyper breaths weren't enough of a distraction.

_Why? Why do I have to hurt everyone I love? It kills me to see Jacob like that, sickens me to know I did it. _

My body convulsed in disgust with myself.

Chilly fingers brushed a lock of hair away from my wet face.

"You're upset. Do you wish to apologize?" Edward's gentile whisper tickled my ear. I turned dead eyes to him.

"No." I snarled. My breath hitched and I choked. I grabbed my throat coughing wildly as Edward's face melted into the ever lasting worry.

"I'll get you water." He stood, but I grabbed a handful of denim before he could move away.

"Don't." I choked out. I forced two choppy breaths and mentally powered my body to calm itself.

There.

My breathing evened.

I stood and glared at his devastating beauty.

It mocked me.

_You'll never come close. You never had a chance, you were fooling yourself. _

More pain.

My insides twisted so tight they dripped blood. My face remained undisturbed.

_Good._

I stood my ground, strong and unwilling to take the passengers seat. Edward stared right back. The seconds ticked by without thought. I had no more retreats, no more plans. I was done.

I wasn't giving up, but this quarter was through. Edward was up by one.

"What now?" the words were dead. Emotionless.

Edward's hand snuck around my back and attempted to pull me close.

With the tiniest resistance to his unspoken request his arm fell taking his face with it. "We should go." He motioned forward.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Edward's car pulled to a smooth stop in front of Charlie's driveway. I shot him an irritated glare, "What are you doing?!"

"Do you want to tell your father?" His question was sincere, that was clear as day. No underlying purpose or show of overbearing. He truly intended to allow me this decision, which made it harder. If Edward demanded me either way the solution would be clear, I'd choose the opposite. This was different. I was in charge.

I turned my neck and took in the house outlined with a thick morning fog. Somewhere inside Charlie was busying himself with some menial task or perched on the recliner watching an old game. I laughed at the predictability of my father, my stomach lurched. It was love. My insides were shouting at me - _YOU LOVE HIM! _

_I know! _I hissed silently back. I did love Charlie, I wanted him to know me. To be in on every little secret. Make it our secret, but he couldn't handle this. He just wasn't emotionally equipped. I understood and accepted it.

I loved him. He was my dad. I had to say goodbye.

I pulled on the silver lever and pushed my door open before Edward could realize my intentions. I stood up out of the car and walked casually over the front lawn to our door. Edward was next to me before I reached the stoop.

I stepped inside and took in a heavy breath of home, my home. The familiar scent soothed my nerves enough to smile at the sight of Charlie asleep in front of a blank TV in his favorite armchair. I walked over and sat gently on the armrest.

"Charlie?" I called softly.

He bolted upwards so fast my heart jumped and I fell off the chair. Edward caught me before Charlie had time to realize what happened.

"What the-?.. Bells? What are you doing home?"

My forehead crinkled in confusion. Charlie should be asking me where I've been all night, not why I was home, where I belonged.

"Dr. Cullen said you were staying overnight at the hospital for observation. He said the diagnosis wasn't clear yet and that he'd call me when he heard any different."

I rolled my eyes as nonchalantly as possible. Carlisle sure knew how to cover the bases.

I could feel Edward's eyes burning into me as I watched Charlie rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes.

"Yeah, well the thing is…" I struggled to find the best words. Charlie didn't deserve to worry, he was a great father. "It turns out I need to go away for a little bit, dad." It took everything I had to stare back into Charlie's confused eyes. "Carlisle found the problem. I'm sick, it's really rare but Dr. Cullen caught it early enough. After this treatment I'll be completely fine."

This was a quick fix. The best I could come up with on the spot. My eyes hung on my nervous hands and watched as they pulled on a loose thread of my sweater. I wasn't sure if any such disease actually existed, all he had to do was surf the net to become all the wiser.

I let out a breath. I made the right decision. It would kill Charlie to know the truth, to know the real reason the Cullen's were sending me away. He would blame himself.

"Bells, what is it? What do you have?" He took my shoulder and pulled me into a tight hug. I pushed my nose further into the crevice of his neck, and for a moment I felt safe. I didn't want to leave this place, I didn't want to leave him.

Tears welled up then spilt onto Charlie's flannel shirt. I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed hard. Maybe if I held on tight enough Edward couldn't rip me away.

"The disease is extremely rare. It appears to be a mutant strand from an ancient virus. It hasn't been identified in over three hundred years." Edward's cool intellect left Charlie gawking. I scowled at his cold explanation. The entire purpose for lying to Charlie was to keep him from worrying. Edward made it seem like I suffered from the flesh-eating plague.

Edward took in my reaction and turned to Charlie with a reassuring smile. "With modern technology and Carlisle's advanced research, treating Bella will be quite simple." He turned back to me and what I saw caught my breath. His cold black eyes thawed right in front of me, solid orbs of marble black into puddles of molten gold. My long dead heart thumped against my chest leaving a bruise. He smiled.

"She'll return to perfection."

My breath slowed and intensified. A whirl-pool of emotion raged, taking my level-headedness down into the plummeting depths. Where had this frozen over emotion come from?

_A fluke! He's doing this to you on purpose! He's tricking you and you're gullible enough to fall for it! He will do anything to ruin this. You heard him say it! _

I shook my head with closed eyes trying frantically to throw one of the arguing voices from my mind, which one I wasn't sure.

Neither budged.

I sighed. The whispering voice rasping a protest of subdued love was cut off, paralyzed by its slave master's steel backbone. Despise rushed through my veins. A hardened face and fiery eyes glared back into Edward's for his underhanded attempt. _Will he stop at nothing?_

His jaw locked, eyes returning from honey to black in half the time.

"We just need to pack a few of Bella's belongings. She will be gone for some time."

Charlie turned from Edward to me, his eyes only grasping half of what was being said. His worried face had the opposite effect of Edward's and Jacob's. It was an entirely different worried. Charlie was sad I had to leave, he would miss me. He would be alone again. That thought was twice as painful as the frightening thought of me being alone. I hugged my dad.

_Why?! _

"I know. This sucks, dad." His arms tightened around my waist. A silent agreement. The love an emotionally awkward father showed his daughter instead of words.

It felt just as pure.

"Just get better, Bells." I leaned out of his embrace to take in his face. He was so hard to read. "I don't really understand what's going on inside you, but if Carlisle does, then that's comfort enough for me as far as you getting taken care of. I just need you to promise you'll put the old Swan effort into kicking this thing's butt. This old man has gotten used to having his daughter around. Who else is going to use all the hot water up? Or leave a curling iron on in the bathroom all day just waiting to give me a third-degree burn?"

My smile was effortless, and the giggle that followed, authentic.

"I'm more concerned about who will be cooking your dinner and cleaning the house." I added in pseudo defense.

"Don't you worry about me, Bells. I survived just fine before you started taking care of me. You keep your mind on healing. The best thing you can do for me is recovering and getting back here as fast as possible. I'll be waiting." He smiled the most miserable smile I'd ever seen. "Everyday I'll be waiting, Bells."

A tear ran down my cheek. Why was this so hard? Leaving Jacob was easy in comparison. The air was thick, smothering me in guilt. I needed to get out of there quick.

"I have to pack." I stood and walked to the stairs, I turned around and snuck a peek at the back of Charlie's head. His head bent down, his shoulders slumped over. My heart ripped in two.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Packing was fast work. I already had half my clothes shoved into a bulging suitcase from the vacation gone bad. I ran around in a hectic frenzy throwing everything else I owned into Charlie's even bigger duffel. Focusing on packing kept my mind off other, terrorizing things and so I thought of every possible requirement. Toothbrush was a definite, as was deodorant. Would I need towels? Did clinics supply linens? A pile of six fluffy white towels got pushed inside the bag. What about a razor? Did they confiscate those, or was that only necessary for suicide patients? I packed one just in case. After sneaking a pair of Charlie's sweats and one of his thick flannel shirts into the duffel I laughed at the swollen bag. I could fit Charlie, Jacob, and Alice into it with room to spare. Through the echo of my hallow laughter the impending seriousness of my situation caught up with me.

More tears.

Tears and a beautiful face lifting ridiculously large bags with style. Hot anger possessed me.

It shouldn't be this easy for him. That luggage held everything. Everything that meant anything. He didn't struggle or stagger. He didn't look back, not once. It was effortless for him.

I stood, watching in horror as Edward walked away with my life.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I sat balancing on the very edge of a marble counter top with my eyes relaxed shut. One wrong lean and I'd fall down to the hard tiled floor. The difficult position demanded every ounce of concentration, and that was exactly the point. I couldn't afford a second's thought for reality. I tensed my leg muscles in just the right way, my body was motionless and growing weary with every minute I remained so. My brain hardly registered the sound of footsteps drawing near. The noise never surfaced onto my immediate realization and a moment later I had forgotten it completely.

I let out an exhausted breath and repositioned myself into an even trickier stance. I turned my body slightly to the left so I'd be unbalanced and forced to lean most of my weight to the right.

"Oh my god!" I swallowed my stomach and fell off the counter landing hard on the cold tiles.

Deep chuckles filled the kitchen.

Jasper sat perched on the counter next to where I balanced seconds before, silent as a stalking predator.

"Jeez, Jasper! Where did you come from?!" I gathered myself from the floor and pulled back onto the counter with a racing heart.

"You were so calm. The most relaxed I've ever sensed from you. I didn't want to interrupt." He smiled. "I guess I ruined it anyway, your pulse is jumping."

I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath forcing myself to trance out. I smiled and looked back at him.

"That's more like it. When did you start meditating?"

"I haven't. I was just… erm… distracting myself." I looked into Jasper's dark brown eyes ready for more laughter. Instead his eyebrows rose. "You were distracting yourself. _Mentally _distracting yourself?"

I nodded. _Is that a bad thing?…_

"I'm impressed."

"What?"

"It takes a lot of perceptual will to do so effectively. You've got a strong intellect."

"Umm… thanks."

Jasper smiled down on me, I opened my mouth but couldn't drag up words from the dark corners of my tired mind. It was full, sitting atop my shoulders as a leaded weight, necessary but painful. My ears were sore from the quiet screams echoing from it's walls.

There was no question, keeping up a conversation was just too tedious a task right now, when invisible wars raged above my tense neck. It was as if I saw the word through a clouded window, a construction site mid demolish. I saw Jasper, but just barely, out of focus and in constant strain to concentrate on his words and there meanings. It was too hard. I looked down at my legs seeing nothing offering my psyche a quick rest.

"Bella, I've never been one to beat around the bush. Everyone else is tiptoeing around you, scared that you might snap."

I looked up at Jasper in disbelief. I didn't believe what he was saying. No one ever offered me any such luxury. If Edward sugarcoated anything I would have had more time, and time was what I needed.

"You're dying, Bella."

My face twisted into a knot of incredulity. Shocked into silence I gawked with my mouth wide.

Jasper closed his eyes and rolled his blond head backwards while sucking in an extensive amount of air through his nose. He held it in for a few seconds then slowly released it through a slit in his lips. He kept his eyes closed and back as he continued, "I can feel it, Bella."

My face relaxed as I watched him.

"I feel the loathing. The miss guided pride and satisfaction. My stomach is a knot of ruthless emotion." He opened his eye only slightly without shifting an inch to look at me, "Your knot." His eyes slid shut. "Everyday is battle between joy, hate, anger…" He paused as his eyebrows pulled together in concentration. "Always so much anger…"

I looked down. It felt wrong to watch Jasper. Like watching a car crash, I wanted to leave. I didn't wish to hear anymore.

"…glorification and fright." Jasper pulled his head back upright and his deep brown eyes reflected my image. "You're so scared, Bella and you don't want anyone to know."

I looked away.

"I know you're terrified… and not just of what we're doing to you." I twisted my head as far away from his poison as I could and attempted to drown his words out with the racket of my mind.

"You're afraid of what will happen if we _don't _do something."

He paused.

I didn't care, I wanted him to stop.

"Everyday little pieces of who you were, fall away. She's growing fainter, weakened, and drowned out by another force. One that you have already surrendered to. Nothing you do now can ever bring back what you were."

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Jasper had torn right through exposed nerves. I had no pride left as I turned to him with desperate pleas to stop, begging from my eyes. He took me in, all of me. My tragedy was his.

"There is still time to save what's left."

I wiped my face dry. _Don't listen to him. He's only trying to overpower your mental defenses. This one is strong, he's attacking you through your emotions. Using his gift against you…_

"If you let this go on, Bella, you'll die. Time is running out, and you know it."

"Hello, Bella." Alice's musical voice sounded from behind me. I turned and the entire Cullen family stood watching.

"I just got off the phone with Dr. Dore, the facility has your room ready. I think you'll find it satisfactory. It's a private sweet, the best available."

My stomach dropped.

"We're all going with you, you don't need to be frightened, Sweetie." Esme took a step closer and placed my hand gently into her own.

My eyes were paralyzed unable to move from Carlisle. His lips moved slightly down, "I'll be there to admit you and brief Dr. Dore, she's going to be working with you. I'll make sure you get settled in and everything is taken care of before I leave."

I know their words were intended comfort, but they just made this nightmare real. _This is really happening. It's happening right now!_

I shook with nauseated fear. Jasper hopped off the counter like a prancing stag, smooth and graceful before joining his family stopping just behind Alice.

_Alone_.

My heart raced causing my head to swim. I saw two blurry forms shift in the crowd, one edging nearer. My knuckles whitened over the marble ledge.

"We have to go, Love." A freezing hand rest on my hot face. I couldn't breath. My breaths were too strong, overworking my lungs, filling the room with a wheezing gurgle. Everything got dark and I was spinning. From a distance a liquid voice. "Bella? Love, are you alright?" A dull thud of something soft hitting a hard surface and hands were suddenly everywhere, my throat, head, chest, stomach, and wrists.

"Carlisle!"

More hands.

I was repositioned while my chest seared in pain. I wanted to scream for help but I didn't have breath enough.

I was underwater. Encased in black turbulent waters. My body crashed here and there against solid current. My lungs screamed for air.

Voices penetrated the water's depth from a far away distance.

"She's having an anxiety attack. Jasper!"

My head broke the surface. A gasp of air inflating my lungs followed by more shallow breaths. Edward's was the first face to come into focus. It meant nothing.

He pulled me into his chest and sobbed into my hair. I looked around at everyone staring at me as I continued to heave. An odd numbness soothing my frazzled veins.

"Jasper, I think it best for you to sit next to Bella." Jasper looked at Carlisle with an indistinct look on his sculpted face. His huge eyes full of expression. _What is that? Is it… is Jasper _scared _of me?_

I was surprised, but not shaken. Disheartened but not sad. I was utterly numb.

Jasper, Alice, and Carlisle argued with voices too low to understand. This was ridiculous. I didn't need to be the girl people argued about sitting next to.

"I'll sit alone. It's fine." I hopped off the counter and away from Edward, more like a blind squirrel then Jasper's deer. I tripped over my unadjusted feet before leaving the staring family behind me. I was halfway through the house, front door in sight when a hand pulled my hair.

"OW! What the-?!.." I turned and Rosalie stood with crossed arms and a look reminding me of my classmates from LA High.

"Your hair is disgusting. I'll have to fix it before you get to LA or our family's reputation will be ruined. We don't have enough time though, I have to do it on the plane."

I grabbed a handful of hair and studied it. She was right, it was uncombed and wild. I looked back up at her goddess like face to thank her when I caught her eyes flicker back to me from Carlisle. Everyone studied my face with too much intensity. I was being set up.

I sighed and threw my hair away.

"I don't need your pity, Rosalie." I faced the crowd. "I don't need any of your pity!" My voice grew and grew until I was shouting at the top of my lungs. Hot tears flowing down my steaming face as my spirit pierced through the numbing bubble and exploded into a panicking rage.

"There is NOTHING wrong with me! You are the crazy ones. You all think I'm sick, that I need help? Well you're wrong! I'm perfect! I am exactly what I always wanted to be! I'm happy and all you want to do is lock me up and torture me! You're making me leave my home! My friends, Jacob, my FATHER! My father needs me and you're taking me away from him! You're all cruel and I'll never forgive ANY of you!"

I walked away backwards with fuming fists tightly bound into themselves. Broken faces set on me as I tripped over something I hadn't seen.

I was on the floor pushing away with my feet. My breaths were full, chest heavy, and head unstable. Raw emotion taking over like a veiled evil possessing my body. My fingers curled and legs seized. I had lost control. _What's happening?!_ a scared voice questioned from the dark recesses of my mind.

Edward's blank face and locked jaw braved my insanity. He stepped in front of his sister and began to lean down toward me.

"Get away from me!" I curled up like a defenseless animal, dripping tears onto my folded arms and knees. Pure loath lit my being, ignited by an old love's face.

"Don't touch me! Don't you DARE touch me! You ruined EVERYTHING!"

Edward stood. His face melting from nothing to a tortured painting, screaming in silence. His eyes wide as he stumbled backwards. He stumbled and I was glad.

My nostrils flared while a visible darkness veiled my face. My eyes shifted into intense viciousness meant only for this man. I hissed low poison slowly into his ears, one word at a time. "I hate you."

Edward's face of glory mutated into a disturbing tortured Picasso, his mouth hung wide in silent screams. He was burning alive, from the in-side out. Ruthless flames of his unrequited loves arson. The indescribable look on Edward's face gave my possessor strength enough to pick me up off the floor. I turned to run but huge hands grabbed me by the arm.

"NO!" I screamed loud and high becoming desperately feral. I twisted and scraped Emmett's massive arms. My nails broke and my fingers throbbed in pain that felt amazing compared to the hysteria inflating my chest. Tears flew everywhere soaking the beast restraining me.

"Let me GO!" I kicked and thrashed, then kicked again. My legs were crushing with each blow.

I tried punching, I threw my fist into his rock-chest with nothing to show for the crack of my bone.

"Bella, stop! You're hurting yourself!" Carlisle's voice was uneven. A subdued survival instinct clicked to life from a deep hibernation. I screamed so loud my ears were surely bleeding.

Howls and pure agony overtook me as I contorted and tensed from strength seeping through the will of my parasite.

Suddenly my screams of terror were being challenged.

Alice broke out into high pitched shrieks of her own. Everyone turned frantic heads towards her and Esme gasped.

Alice stood with horrified eyes next to a swaying Jasper, her tiny hands on his shaking chest. His hands clutched his head and bulging eyes were locked on me. I continued to seize as Jasper collapsed to the ground. His frame thrashing as his deep voice filled the room with yells of sheer anguish.

His eyes never leaving my own, magnetic and wide.

"Carlisle!" Alice was desperate, kneeling helplessly next to her husband.

Carlisle looked stunned, as he took in his son. He shook his head and turned to Emmett.

"Get Bella out of here!" Emmett looked from me to his brother and back with a puzzled face.

"Emmett, GO!"

With that I was lifted into the air with ridiculous ease and when my screaming voice cracked, leaving me in silence I found myself surrounded in thick forest.

Emmett placed me down but never slackened his grasp of my upper arm. I slumped onto the frozen earth and Emmett joined me. I huffed in arctic air and it slowed my breaths until I was closer to calm.

_When had cold air started soothing me? _I exhaled deeply. _Forks was soothing to me now. The thought was painful. I had made this town my home. _

I looked over to Emmett sitting Indian style resting his gigantic head on a balled up fist. His eyes were locked straight ahead, but they were blank and his thoughts miles away.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**AN - Okay, I'm trying not to go more then two weeks without posting. I think it's safe to say the U.D.s will be more frequent now the semester is coming to an end. **

**What are your thoughts? Your Comments? I would like to hear them! **

**This is my favorite chapter so far. It has been the strawberry shampoo make out session chapter for a LONG time, but this one finally overshadows it!**

**ALSO - This is the last chapter before EPOV gets written - so if you want a say in which chapter it will be GO VOTE!!! (on my profile; click link above)**

**CHAPTER SONGS - **

**Time Is Running Out, Muse. (It's original Bella's POV talking to her ED's POV)**

**How Soon Is Now, t.A.T.u. (It's just how depressed Bella is. She is feeling like she was a nobody, then this huge life changing thing happened and she is still alone. Edward is always there making sure she knows it's the wrong way, but it's all she has.)**

**Control / Weird Science Remix, Metro Station. (It's basically Bella thinking she has everything in control, but it's falling out of control) (all on play list on my profile)**

**LUV YOU BRITT!… and Rpattz… and jasper…and carlisle… and Jackson… and …no - I think I'm good, lol.**

**PLEASE REVIEW/VOTE!**


	38. Chapter 38

**Oh Britt - I am so sorry (sigh) that you had to edit this three times… The universe can't handle us. For cereal.**

**So Thanks - without you - my mind wouldn't be as lazy. For cereal!**

Chapter 38:

I didn't allow my thoughts to wonder near the dangerous edge of what just happened. I couldn't process it, couldn't handle the drain it would be on me. Me eyes still lingered, on my guard, frozen there, but I had to look away from Emmett's cold face. There was no forgiveness in it. It was utterly stark.

I decided to focus on a safer subject, so my eyes swept over the mossy trees seeking any form of distraction.

I settled on a particularly individual tree branch. It was free of the green moss covering the whole of the forest. It was dry, twisting and bending down in a violent manner. The lone branch was quite unique from the picturesque feathered limbs reaching away from the Evergreen's sturdy base. My eyes danced over every knot until it reached a thin, brittle tip barren of any needles.

A surge of freezing air ripped mats of hair from my shoulders. They rippled in front of my face while I shook with discomfort. I wasn't wearing a jacket, there hadn't been any time.

I tucked the hair back behind my ears with numbing fingers. My branch creaked sickeningly in the wind. It rose up lost in the rushing current then without warning slipped into the undertow and crashed onto the solid rock base.

It's tip scattered across the forest floor. Dried up, broken, and dead.

My breath caught as the wind blew a strewn piece of the tip toward me, hitting my foot. It was so small. Only a whisper of what it once had been.

"It must suck." Emmett's bark like voice stated from the area I dare not look. I held my breath, unsure of what he referred. I didn't want to upset him any more then I already had. Emmett has always been so kind. The gentle giant of an older brother I never had.

"Being in that much pain, I mean." I looked at him with a stiff body and cautious eyes. I didn't shift or make a sound.

"I've never seen Jasper like that." He let out an airy scoff. "Over fifty years and that's never happened. Not once."

A surge of hate poisoned my veins. Hate for myself. Poor Jasper.

His mammoth hand released it's solid hold of me before pulling me in to his hard side and resting over my shoulders.

_Run!_

My face scrunched up in inaudible protest. _I'm too tired. I'll sit here, in the middle of nowhere forever. No one to talk to, no one will find me._ I closed my eyes. _I will get lost here. Somewhere so desolate I can't find myself. I won't even try. _

_Maybe then I can rest in peace, dead or alive. It made little difference. I was so tired. _

My body shook fiercely. In theory I must have been freezing, but I couldn't feel it. Emmett looked down and slid his icy arm away. His eyes flashed back on me every couple of seconds. He shouldn't have bothered. I wasn't going anywhere.

"Oh, man. You're lips are purple." Emmett cursed looking around into the thatch of trees.

"What are they doing? You're going to have freezer burn in a couple of minutes." He continued to search. His face relaxed at the sight of something beyond my vision.

"Carlisle is coming."

His announcement stirred nothing.

Let him come. Let him pick me up like a child's toy, like a being with no thought, no right to make it's own decisions. Let him put me away somewhere that made him feel better about himself, made everyone feel better about themselves. Let them have their peace of mind. I'm sure it was extremely desirable, I couldn't be certain anymore.

Sure enough a quiet hum separated itself from the forest's surroundings, growing in volume until it roared. I closed my eyes. I refused to watch my own execution.

The howling engine cut off, the squeaking of a car door and rustling of leaves warned me of Carlisle's approach.

"Are you alright?"

My heart thumped slightly. He was closer then I thought, crouched down to my level.

_Stupid overly graceful vampire._

He needn't talk louder then a whisper. I kept my eyes closed.

_No I'm not alright! _

_Ridiculous question._

"We have to go, Bella."

_I don't have to do anything. I can't do anything. _

I was pulled up by my upper arms then placed delicately over a shoulder so gigantic it could only be Emmett's. "I'm sorry." Emmett's whisper was soft and sincere. The smallest of tears lay lost in a mess of my entwined eyelashes.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I awoke from a strange pressure pushing in on my ear drums. My head swam and the soft noise of hushed conversations was too loud for my sore mind. Something shining in the artificial light caught my eye. I turned, Esme's wedding ring twinkled and shone catching the light in just the right way.

"Did you sleep well?" Her face was so soft, so gorgeous. It made my stomach hurt. I turned away, towards the small square of the airplane's window capturing a lovely glowing blue. The absolute last thing I needed was to be reminded of the devastating beauty I could never have.

"How is Jasper?" My voice was thick from sleep, and my eyes remained stuck on the solid blue pallet. I needed to hide my guilt.

"He's perfectly fine, dear. As soon as Emmett left he was his old self." My stomach lurched. Esme side stepped the right words, but I saw through her diversion.

_As soon as _I _left… _I corrected her silently.

I pulled my knees up to my chin and secured them there with the fast knots of my arms. My feet curling over the roomy first class seat's edge. My chin fit perfectly into the divot between my legs and I tried to squish the rest of my face into the swallowing darkness. I needed to hear this, but it hurt so much.

"And Alice?" Alice's beautiful little face swam in front of my closed eyelids. She smiled at me. Guilt cut at my insides violently.

"She's a little shaken, but she's fine."

Esme's hand stroked my hair, a soothing gesture. Suddenly it was Renee's image floating in the back of mind. My stomach lurched with unease, I longed for my old life. The privacy of a loving mother, with erratic tendencies. All the love, none of the insufferable scrutiny.

I crushed my face into my knees until it hurt. My hands dug into the flesh of my calves. I hated myself for so many reasons, and now I could add the rusted trophy of abusing my closest friends. My family.

"- and Edward is going to be alright too. You just have to give him some time, Dear." Her voice was hushed and tender. Her gentle fingers ran through my matted hair with ease. I turned my head, still buried in my knees to look at her incredulously. My mouth agape, eyes shining with the lack of light death brings. I was half aware that Edward sat somewhere behind me, with no reason to believe he wasn't listening to our conversation.

_Isn't he always listening?…_

Though muffled, the hiss of my voice was distinct, "I didn't ask about him."

I frowned at Esme's eyes as they turned down in a stunning sadness, a pirouette of suffering beauty.

It wasn't fair.

This family was exquisite in every way. Even while angry, scared, or suffering. I was expected to accept my less then average looks and walk dutifully behind a Greek god while the world's jaw dropped in disbelief? 'He is with _her?!_', they whispered, I whispered.

I was right. Completely justified in these decisions.

_You can't expect them to understand…_

In that moment I was thankful for the loud hum of my mind. It was easy to slip into a conscious sleep. My eyes open, my mind blank of any thought.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The flight attendant granted everyone fake smiles on our way to the arrival platform of the terminal. Carlisle beckoned Emmett to gather my luggage and Rosalie joined him. Carlisle dialed a number on his phone and stepped out of my earshot.

I wondered why he even bothered. What else could he keep from me?

Esme continued stroking my hair while Edward sat, crumpled in hard plastic chairs a few feet away. Esme's persistent hands were multitasking, she wasn't fooling anyone. Her maternal instincts were used to pacify me in anyway she could manage with no avail. The undulating motion was less condescending then holding my hand, making sure I wouldn't run.

With Jasper hundreds of miles away I couldn't make sense of the sensation swelling in the depths of my being. I was - not content, yet almost tranquil. Everything my eyes took in blurred just slightly around the edges. The movement of the traveling hordes marginally too fast. My mind calm and too slow.

The world a tremor with the steady rhythm of my breath. I had no right to feel like this, not now when the world was being pulled from under my unprepared feet.

Maybe this was what I read about so long ago the words were unclear in memory. The calm people experience when they realize they're about to die. At first you can't escape the horrid torturous fear. You refuse to accept you're time is up. For many, fear is the last thing you recognize. But a lifetime ago I sat at an empty table in LA High's cafeteria reading a book written by a man who died, then was resuscitated in a miracle of modern medicine. He explained the unbelievable transition your mind goes through after you've accepted your death. For him it all happened within three minutes. The denial, the fear, then the most overwhelming serenity. He spoke of a higher knowledge plane the dying reach. There is no other option. The decision was already made.

One simply had to follow through.

I struggled to remember the rest of his words, but they didn't come. I never got a chance to finish the book. Two girls interrupted me then. Thriving on my apparent inadequacies, forcing me into an abandoned girls room.

The recollection ended abruptly. A repressed memory.

A cold hand pressed slightly against my back issuing me forward and I shook with the staggered fear of waking from a nightmare. Only to find I was already in one.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I sat in between Emmet and Rosalie in the back of a rented luxury van. I watched Esme's glowing fingers adjust the heat to high, she thought I was cold. A reasonable assumption, I was shaking slightly. I was still in a lofty state of Zen, and my mind wondered to childhood memories while the Coastway Express zoomed by in lovely shades of varying blues.

It took Carlisle only half an hour to reach Sunset Malibu's Rehab Center. It looked to be straight out of a tabloid. I saw a headline in the black and white of newsprint - 'Teen Enters Rehab Facility in LA'.

_How cliché?_

Everyone slipped out of the van fluidly then waited as I tripped over a forgotten seat belt. Emmett caught me with a grin and rustled my already pitiful hair. He turned with everyone to unload my bags leaving me to gaze at the center. It looked more like three or four mansions pushed together then any kind of institution. It's whitewashed walls were lined with several magnificently shinning windows each reflecting the low California moon's glow. Miles of primped grass cast dark bluish black by the night bleed into and around every spare inch of ground. Only stopping far behind the building when it was met by rock and sand, where it eventually collided with the turbulent Pacific

A woman stepped out from a large wooden door with a cheesy smile and open arms. Her long flowing gauzy top matched the stark white hair cut bluntly just above her shoulders. She wore long cargo pants, bold jade jewelry, and ancient looking tan Birkenstocks.

"Now _that's _cliché" I corrected myself in a soft whisper. I was shocked to see the smirk on Rosalie's face after peering up to see if my comment was overheard. Her eyes were bright with fitting viciousness, but for once, it wasn't directed at me.

"If they make you sing Kumbaya I promise to run over here and bust you out myself." she murmured in a voice so low I had to strain my ears to hear. She smiled, I tried but couldn't make my muscles move into such a foreign position.

"Welcome, Bella." The woman's voice was disconcerting for some reason. She stopped a foot away from me and held her hand out. I didn't like how she smiled at me, like this whole debacle was nothing unusual. I didn't like this stranger knowing my name, my secrets.

I didn't like how she waited for me to shake her hand. I didn't want to touch her.

She took the hint and her arm floated down to her side, her large smile unwavering.

"I'll see you inside, okay? Just come on in when your ready and we'll get you settled." The woman bobbed her head up and down as if excited by her own words. She turned to Carlisle.

"It's been too long, Dr. Cullen. You haven't changed a bit!" Carlisle smiled, releasing all that is his devastating glory. The woman looked dazed. Thrown from her own thoughts with his young blond movie star charm. Which made me wonder how long ago they saw each other and how old Carlisle _should _look.

He held out his hand and motioned the stunned woman inside. Esme smiled warmly at her husband's effect and followed the two inside.

I closed my eyes unnecessarily in the night's shade. The heat from three pairs of probing eyes burned into my face.

After the day of travel I finally began to leave the odd tranquility of accepting certain demise. My heart fluttered in my chest almost painfully.

_The scariest thing is uncertainty. You're only worried because you don't know what to expect. _

_What if they get to me? What if they actually brainwash me? Make me believe in different things? The wrong things? _

_Don't let them. _

_I'm scared. Alone. _

_You've always been alone. You're strong. You already know that. You couldn't have accomplished this if you weren't. _

_You have overcome so much. This is merely another hurdle. _

_I have no choice. I have to try._

I opened my eyes and found the ocean. _Goodbye, Mom._

I turned toward the shining moon. _Goodbye, Jacob._

Tears spilt over my lashes and hit my red cheeks. _Goodbye, Charlie._

My throat tightened at the aspect of solitary confinement. Tears ran for my lost loves. I knew I would give this war my all. Everything I had.

_But what more do I have left to give?_

With all the control I could exercise I mentally forced myself to step forward.

My breathing increased slightly, but I managed another step.

When I reached the door his liquid silver hand reached out in front of me to grab the door knob. Edward's face was solemn, but his eyes, darker then the night, locked with my own.

I felt nothing. I couldn't allow myself to feel.

And there we stood, motionless, two corpses.

He finally pulled the door open, and I continued inside.

The large room reminded me of the Cullen's main room, open and light. Both trying very hard to camouflage darker inhabitants. To cast light on the shadows of a lethal secret.

I spotted Carlisle sitting on a modern looking sofa in between Esme and the female doctor. She stood up, walking towards me and the rest of the Cullen family. All of whom skillfully pretended to struggle under the sheer weight of my luggage.

"Bella's room is up the stairs, the last room to the right." Emmett and Rosalie staggered up the staircase, after being sure the woman wasn't looking, Emmett moved my huge bag to lift it with his small finger and winked at me. Rosalie rolled her eyes.

Carlisle glared at him and he quickened his pace up the stairs.

"I think you'll approve. It's the best accommodation we offer, Dr. Cullen made sure of that." "Please, call me Carlisle." His smile was relentless. The woman looked confused, caught yet again, in it's awing range.

Carlisle's eyes roamed so quickly to Edward I wasn't sure if I'd truly seen it.

"What is it you were saying about papers needing to be signed?" The white haired woman shook her head in a feeble attempt to clear it.

"Right, of course. This way." She started off down a remote hallway, Carlisle and Esme following behind her.

It wasn't that I felt awkward being alone with Edward, rather that I didn't feel awkward when I knew I should. I looked up into his hard face. He was already studying mine, I wasn't sure what he found there. His was bleak and cold.

We stood there in suspension as I deliberated, but found I had nothing to say to him. I turned and headed toward the stairs.

"Bella, wait." His voice was suddenly urgent. Desperate.

Before I had the chance his iron grasp was on me, spinning me around into his cool chest.

"I won't leave you like this. I won't be able to live with myself if you're upset with me." His eyes were magnetic.

They drew out long aroused anger, easily awoken from it's light sleep.

My mind worked fast, taking a last shot at freedom.

"Then don't. Go in there and tell that lady I'm fine." My voice grew soft. "Take me home. Take me with you so we can be together."

The evil being inside me writhed in glory. It knew Edward's weakness, we would take him down.

It worked, his face melted, his grasp on my arms slid around my waist. I allowed him to touch me in this intimate way, I dangled the bait in front of his face.

It was too long since we'd been so close. His cool breath tickled my face and my heart continued to jump. My eyes closed with guilty pleasure as he traced his nose on the edge of my jaw. The breath he drew from me was embarrassingly ragged.

His voice was silk. "Nothing would please me more then taking you home with me." The monster inside roared with victory. I stood still, fighting to remain upright, to keep our cool while Edward's icy lips grazed our eyelids.

"But you need to be here, Love. You need to get better before we can be together again. This impending separation grieves me more then you can realize, for so many reasons."

My eyes flew open. My body went rigid in his arms, and he inched his face back to look at me. I freed myself from his iron grasp giving myself room to breath, to clear my head. Edward watched me with unsure eyes.

I wanted to yell. To scream and kick. I needed him to realize just how badly it stung every time he gave me hope, then pulled it back out of my reach.

_Don't let him know your pain. Keep strong._

I turned on my heals with nothing but the raw rage in my eyes as a goodbye. I made it to the stairs before his ringing velvet filled the room.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

Blood curdled in my veins, it spread from my chest to my arms, fingers, legs and toes. Then it traveled into my head where my vision turned crimson. My heart stopped with disbelief. How dare he apologize!

_You know he's not sorry!_

I turned, slowly. Making sure to remain in control of my emotions. My hands balled up into tight fists, my only allowed release.

"You did this to me. You sent me here. Now I'm trapped in this five star prison for who knows how long!" I let out a disgusted scoff. "It's too late to apologize, Edward."

His face morphed once again into a tortured artist's rendition of agony. A product of Edvard Munch's oils.

He took a step forward.

"I am sorry, Bella. Can't you see that?" He was so sad, so beautiful in his pain. An angle sent to me straight from fiery pits of hell.

"I'm done." The words were short. Soft and quiet. They might as well have been the atomic bomb. "This is too much. I can't take it anymore!" I took a backwards step away from him, from his refusing shaking head and his longing outstretched arm.

In a single fluid motion his face hardened. It solidified into a bleak denial. "Isabella Marie Swan, I am sorry." His words were fierce. So loud and angry I found myself shocked into silence. "You're stubborn so you predictably deject any other way then your own." My eyebrows knit together, the beast inside growing rabid at being poked.

"But your way is wrong. Your mind is a disaster."

My mouth opened in disbelief. Jaw locking in it's gawked position, my eyes became slits of hate. My breathing was heavy, but steady.

He took another step forward. Arms ready for an embrace.

_Brave. Stupid, but brave._

"Get your dead hands away from me!" I smacked his closest hand away, I would have a bruise by morning. "How dare you say that! _I'm _a disaster?! Why don't you look at yourself? You're following me around like a pathetic delusional puppy!"

I grabbed the banister next to me for support. "In case _you're _selfish brain won't let the message through, I don't want you anymore! I don't want any of this!"

I took the stairs two at a time, only pausing once to turn and find Edward had returned to his torturous composure.

I smiled.

"Go home, Edward."

I turned and walk away, abandoning my fallen angel.

**AN - **

**Songs - Dandelion, Nicole Richie**

**Apologize, One Republic/ Timbaland**

**And…. I had one for Edward but it's too late 3;50 am… too tired to remember..**

**What do you guys think?**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!! **

**And, for cereal- thank you to everyone who reviews. I read them all - and try SUPER hard to respond to them all. I love hearing your thoughts and opinions.**


	39. Chapter 39

Hey guys.

I am SO sorry about the lack of up dates! Please know that I am fully aware of how LONG (VERY long) It's been. L I heart you guys, and hate making you wait. BUT I am currently working on the next chapter!! (yay for you guys!)

So I posted this little tid to let you know I have not forgotten about you (never will, wink wink)

AND if you are interested…. I just submitted a new story. It's called 'Breaking Sunset Blvd.'.

It's a humor, but the first chapt gets kinda heavy. The next couple of chapters will be a lot more loose and light. So if you like my writing please check it out, let me know what you think? Is it good enough to split my Starved writing time?…

LUVS YA! You should get an UD within a solid weekJ


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter Thirty Nine -

The End of The World -

The door to my room bore down on me, already ajar. It made the space mysteriously inviting, whispering sweet nothings in my lethally curious ear. A wafting reek from poisoned lies of security floated around me like clouds of perfume. The entire building crafted with manipulating hands of an evil witch from Grimm's classic tales. It wasn't inviting, I decided, it was luring.

I tried to keep the buzzing hum that had become a permanent fixture in between my ears to a minimum, attempting to keep my head on straight as I entered an enchant forest. I couldn't accept facts that were directly in front of me, they might not be there in truth. I mustn't trust anyone here. Preparedness in any way was impossible, I hadn't a clue of what to expect. All I could hold solidly to my heart was the fact nothing was as it seemed.

I slid easily between the gap of the doorway, a sharp intake of air into my lungs echoed deafeningly around the spacious suite. Any doubts mudding my cautions vanished in that first second, I had most certainly entered a fairy tale. The walls stood proud and tall, bright coral mirroring the sea's gift even in the darkness of sundown. A king sized bed took precedence over a large area of the gleaming chocolate hardwood floors. Several beautifully crafted pieces of furniture worthy of a palace, and three sets of exquisitely detailed doors leading off to unknown destinations gave the room a warm feeling despite its obvious inapproachability. None of it, however, compared to the jewel encompassing my complete concentration. Two ceiling length glass doors dripping in rich material drapes stood open. The icy blue fabric undulated in the Pacific breeze, mixing seamlessly with the pure ocean water in the distance.

I was powerless, thoughtless as it drew me closer, a hand offering a shiny red fatal apple. My eyes closed in euphoria, breathing deep as I allowed the thick briny air to swirl in my lungs, filling me with delusions of better times. My nostrils dilated with the scent of home, of my un-haunted youth. I was transported to a place of freedom and of peace, not yet a prisoner to my own mind. Laughter filled my ears. Memories playing out like foggy home-style movies in my head sang with emotion long forgotten.

I was happy once, wasn't I? Content even? All I had now was a picture of a picture. Recalling the simple idea of joy caused my throat to squeezed close around razor sharp realization. I lifted shaking hands to my temples trying to close my mind. Using all of my power to shut the volt encompassing thoughts of years past. I fear I'd run too far without looking back. I was lost, never to return.

Like a sharp smack to my face, the full, warm feeling in my core vanished. My eyes moist from the pain a hundred times as strong, because I could never go back. This was me. My mind forever tinted. That fact was crippling. This place was hell disguised as the Garden of Eden, and I stood no chance against its magic. I hadn't the will to try, I greedily gnawed at the flesh of my sweet forbidden fruit.

My feet moved forward, controlled by powers more influential then my own resolve. The wind caught my hair, heavy with grease, twisting it and pulling with ease. I kept my eyes shut tight, horrified by how a familiar view might punish me next. The skin of my arms and leg puckered with a new chill as I stepped outside. A solid mass met my hipbones; I lifted my hands and wrapped fluid fingers around the balcony's iron railing. My eyes slid open, tricked by the fright of surprise, enchanted with all the influence a sight from your childhood could maintain.

I was lighter.

Delicate.

Innocent.

Here in this dimension I thought nothing of the future. Nothing of the past. I was free.

My dreamy trance was momentarily interrupted by the crisp clicking of high heeled shoes echoing from below. A tension tugged in my stomach like I'd been caught by a ten gauge fishing hook, causing me to hunch in discomfort. Their voices floated up to me like balloons to the heavens. Starting colorful and desired, but in finality reaching a state of annoying noise transformed, into hazardous litter.

"Once again, I wanted to thank you for your generosity with our girl, Dr. Dore." Carlisle's smooth voice burned like molten lava, tearing me away from the comfort I bathed in second's before.

"Of course, Dr. Cullen. What are old friends for, if not favors?" Her voice changed suddenly, from slack easy banter to one of urgency. "You will be visiting us again soon?" My lips curled with no trace of humor. Another fly caught in the disguised honey of this family.

The poor woman seemed to regain some sense about her; I could almost see her straighten her posture, though their bodies were concealed under the stone of my feet. "Visit Bella, I mean. Check up on her… You know, follow up on her case." I bowed my head in respect for her recently buried pride.

"Yes, indeed. I will be returning every couple of weeks. This girl is very close to our hearts. She is our family."

"Take good care of her, Doctor." Esme gushed. There was no way to see them, but here they were drifting in front of my eyes. I saw Esme weeping dryly, then Carlisle wrapping his strong caring arm around her, pulling her onward. I knew these people so well. They _were _my family.

As if by magic Carlisle's golden head appeared a level down, retreating from under the balcony's conceal. His arm draped over Esme's quivering form. I felt the aftershock of her fingers running through my hair.

Next came Rosalie's shining platinum curls. She looked so much like she belonged here in LA. Almost too beautiful and blond, personality harsh with the complete knowing of her breathtaking looks. Deep down she cared, the people she loved knew it. The evidence was plain in her eyes: it was just a question of her letting you close enough to look. She even had the token boyfriend, muscular and huge. Always one-step behind, chasing after her, even when he knew he already had her. Always smiling like he just heard the funniest joke. His laugh contagious, it was impossible not to relax next to Emmett, he meant you were safe.

Carlisle led his family, just as he always had and always will. The same rented van sat idle in the cobble stone drive, waiting for these amazing creatures. Without warning or trigger, my heart lurched.

As if emotions were controlled by puppeteers dangling strings down into my soul I immediately didn't want to let them go. I became consumed by silent panic.

My heart raced in anxious desperation. How could I've been so thick?! So immature? So obvious? It was an overpowering rush of terror; They were really leaving!

Leaving _me_!

Here, across the country! Alone!

I wanted to jump from this cage, run into their protective arms, be shushed and hummed to sleep. I wanted to be a little child. I wanted my stolen innocence back, I needed to be taken care of, looked after, and overfilled with love until I was screaming for more.

Where were they going? How could they leave?! How could I have let this happen?

My panting was loud, I didn't care when all four heads turned in unison in my direction. Of course they heard me. It seemed ridiculous to forget their powers the way I often did; a result of overexposure.

My fingers ached with pain as I squeezed relentlessly on the metal balcony, channeling all my fear and internal please into it. I wanted to cry out to them. Beg them to come back, release me from this place, to take me with them.

The damsel stuck in her tower. I was being gagged with the scratchy wool fabric of an always present possessing demon. It sewed my lips together, bound my arms together. I was no match.

I watched helplessly as the Cullen's turned away and began to pour into the car one by one.

I bit my lip restlessly. My time was slipping away like water through my desperate fingers. The sight horrifying.

Another set of footsteps sounded from underneath me. My face peered down to get a better view between the lush palms rattling like a snake's warning in the breeze. As if I obtained a vampire's abilities, he became clear as day. The waves of an upset bronze sea suddenly hushed the power of the Pacific Ocean. Edward's strawberry and cream complexion looked so out of place in this tropic. His arms hung wide away from his side as he walked so slowly down the drive. I recognized this position from the months I spent curled close to his cold body. It was an animalistic stance, one of warning. A lion's roar.

He needed space. If somebody got too close, he would attack.

I wondered if his family could read this posture that seemed so obvious to me.

Seeing him I became a lava lamp, my liquid heart divided into two separate substances. Both chemically altered to repel the other. They floated and bubbled filling me with tense indecision that emulated in vast nothingness. One half squirming in pain at the sight of this beauty being tortured. Tortured by my own poisoned tongue.

The other half smiled in the darkness. Satisfied with what she saw crawling towards the luxury van, now full of passengers.

An extraordinarily powerful gust of wind pushed my frail body forward into the banister with force. My hair ripped out in front of my face masking my eyes in sheets of dingy brown. I pushed back against the metal on my hands, attempting to stand straight. I let go and pulled my hair from my eyes, tugging it behind my ears. The wind calmed and I could finally see.

Like countless times before, he was the first thing that came into focus. Edward's body stiffened in the after effects of the gust. He shut his eyes breathing in deeply, what he inhaled causing his shoulders to relax.

He turned his face towards the sky, towards me. His eyes opened meeting mine. We were locked there. Two puzzle pieces that weren't meant for each other, forced to fit together until our cardboard edges crumpled and stretched. Now, and forever locked to one another.

Someone had to make the first move, break away from its lifeline. No matter how many times it had been said, we would always need someone to say one more goodbye, refusing to believe it was the end.

My heart, swept away in the warm breeze, felt for him. I knew his pain; it was my own, plain as the blood running through my veins. We were each other's everything, leaning back to back, holding each other up from the damnation we should be falling to.

My face hardened; not from the overwhelming sore of my heart having broken over and over again, but because for the first time I questioned _myself_. For the first time I didn't know what I wanted. I was so sure of everything, who I wanted to be, what lengths I'd take to get there, but here I stood. Still as a gargoyle locked into Edward's gaze. It wasn't fair. The cliché phrase brought immature connotations to mind, but they were the words crying out inside of me. This isn't fair. If I am cursed with rock hard goals that kill off all the softness making up whom I am, then in all right I shouldn't be tortured with indecision and regret. _What do I really want from all this? _

Silence pressed against my ears.

The choice wasn't my own. I wasn't brave enough to throw a wrench into our machinery, yet somehow the seal broke. With one last look, a second's grace, breathing in the magic of a Cullen I once had, I turned.

I walked forward; I closed my eyes as I listened to Edward's fall from the pedestal we had built together.

I was falling too.

Hard and fast out of love. My body, unable to stop from freezing over, even here in the sweltering heat.

I was unrecognizable.

I hated every inch of myself.

I had succeeded.

I was everything I'd dreamed of.

And more.

Too much more.

The balcony doors closed with a soft click, and the walls I had built without struggle shut forever more.

My hands moved quickly, pulling at the baggy fabric covering my body, itching for a fix. Needing the single reprieve I could hold onto, I choked for air. With every step closer to the full length mirror another piece of clothes dropped to the floor until I stood still, taking in my reflection. Fingers running over jagged edges, relieving my soul. I gulped in air waiting for tears, but none came.

I was empty.

My face scared me. A rapid game of tug-o-war of emotion fought over it. I turned away from myself and covered my shivering upper body with wire arms accomplishing little. I noticed my luggage for the first time laid neatly over a lush bench at the foot of the bed.

Halfway to the bags a loud knock sounded from the main door. I coughed from the large amount of air I sucked in with surprise.

"Bella, dear? Are you finding everything okay? Do you have any questions?"

I ran to the door minding my steps, making sure their urgency wasn't detected, and leaned against it so the room was sealed, a natural reaction of late. I was still mostly nude; no one could handle the sight of my truth but myself. A fact that had absolutely no effect on me. Everyone took it for granted and I was sick of it, furious by their complete ignorance.

"I'm fine." The words came out lifeless, not that the doctor noticed.

She bounced back quickly with a chipper, "That's great! Settle in and visit me in my office before you hit the sack. There are some rules and information I have to give you, Sweetie. I'll see you in a little bit."

My eyes rolled back for my own satisfaction in response to this woman's overpowering fakeness. "Awesome.", The words grumbled from between my chapped lips. I listened to her sandals flap against the tile floor until the hallway was silent once more.

My exhausted body protested as I shuffled to my bags. I could have walked two more paces and landed on the inviting bed, but I could smell myself. My back ached while bending over in search of a clean t-shirt and sleep pants. My snow-white hands pushed past several men's sweaters without notice.

It took me three tries to find the correct door, fumbling klutzily with armfuls of clothing. I calmed my ever-ready rage by assuring myself I now knew where two walk in closets were, just in case I had four wardrobes packed away in my luggage. The bathroom was not surprisingly enormous. White tiled floors confettied with soulful mosaics. Large dark blue tile, clear and reminiscent of the sea audibly crashing into sand outside my windows lined the shower walls in orderly sequences.

The powerful shower jets stroked and knesded the tension from my muscles, but did nothing for the peril in my mind. I distracted myself, moving slowly as I washed musky grease from the lengths of my hair, as I shaved for the first time in a long while, as I rinsed my soul free of the drama plaguing me the last couple of weeks.

I stepped out of the three-person shower feeling more refreshed then I thought possible, but before I could enjoy the sensation a loud squeak filled the room as my wet foot slid out from under me. I hit the floor lightly, and the fall's surprise was nothing compared to the shock of my echoing laughter. I cut the joyful amuse off and listened to it bounce back off the walls. When was the last time I'd laughed at myself? I stood carefully, pulling myself up in a slight daze. My back throbbed were it hit the ground, though the fall was harmless.

I grabbed three large fuzzy towels and wrapped myself up tightly. Warm and properly cushioned I found myself brave enough to skate over the tiled floor, finally reaching the vanity. I grabbed at the glass bowl sink for support before wiping thick fog from a small portion of mirror. I stood still for one endless second, staring at a stranger. I felt heavy weights sewing themselves onto my skin. Stuck here forever more.

I leaned in and blew hot breath on the recently cleared space. I watched as fog concealed my reflection with hallow eyes.

After getting dry, clothed, and presentable; I heaved my impossibly heavy set of luggage into the closest closet. It took me ten minutes to drag each bag the length of the room. Mid lap, I cursed Emmet for abandoning me in a time of _actual _need.

I plopped onto the bench where my luggage had lain, resting my weakened legs and rubbery arms. I found my eyes wondering about my new quarters with a more acute observation to it's marvelous detail. It really was a room worthy of princess, or a celebrity at least. I felt a tight clench in my chest as the silence beat in my ears. It was too real, I was too alone. How had this happened so fast? Weeks ago I had friends, Charlie, Renee, Jake the Cullens; I had Edward. The memories were unbearable. I had to get out, even if it meant suffering through mindless garble about success rates and proper protocol.

I walked to the main door with a head clouded from inquiries of how one needed to act in a five star rehab. I didn't have the slightest idea.

As I took a step into the hallway, I stopped dead in my tracks. How many times in one's life can their world be thrown into slow motion at a sight so unexpected, so spellbinding? I felt the earth shift beneath me as I traveled in between realities. No longer a number included in the population of the real world, a brand new member of this alternate universe. My ears became heavy, clogging up with white noise. Eyes widening as I attempted to breathe silently, trying desperately not to be noticed. A group of three beautiful beings made their way down the long hallway, the air thick with enchanting power swirled gracefully around their silhouettes swept up in their magic.

A heavy sense of de'ja'-vu sat nauseating in the depths of my bowels. I had been in this place once before. I had been awed into silence by one other group, yet, the difference between these two groups were oil and water.

The absolute carefree way this model-esque group prowled the building gave me an odd sense of optimism. My mind spun into overdrive attempting to figure out their allusive puzzle. Who were they? They couldn't possibly be patients, could they? I ruled against it, how could they be so relaxed? They were all young, around my age maybe a bit older. This made me doubted they worked here.

They moved in unison, a perfectly synced dance of authority. All at once I was reminded of lions, mighty kings of the animal kingdom. The sense of domination, of raw reign over territory between the two was identical. The leader of this pack was a male just below average height. He wasn't comparable to Emmet in bulk or as thin as Edward, instead a common build closer to Jasper. His skin was such a slight pale gold, hardly sun kissed. I wondered if he was actually fair as a vampire if not for the constant sun of LA. His eyes crystal blue contradicting his fashionably askew medium length jet black hair.

Wrenching my eyes away from him, and unto the other two. I quickly realized all three had similarly dark hair, both girls hardly more tan than the boy. I thought they might be related, but besides the hair and skin tone they looked nothing alike. Shortest of the group was a small girl. Small in every way. She was short. Short and so very thin.

I was incapable of helping my step forward, my heart clenching painfully. Her dainty hand entwined within the boy's, linking them together for all to see. Partners, despite his fore fronting pace of obvious authority. Her head was turned down slightly, her face cloaked in a sea of devastatingly long black silk.

The last was a girl rounding up the back, an entire foot taller then the male. She was thin as well, but naturally so. I surprised myself, without realizing the origin of my new talent I could now tell the difference quite easily. A keen eye, trained to pick up the most miniscule of clues.

_Takes one, to know one. _Flashed through my thoughts.

This girl had breasts, small - yes, but they were there. The shorter girl had nothing between her jagged color bones and the deep wave of ribs. This model sized being had harsh shoulder blades and hipbone definition, but she also had toned arms and legs. Her head wasn't too big for her body, her neck bore no plumbing, her hair healthy and bright, her eyes alert, alive. I noticed the model _did _have a slight bruising under her eyes; yet it did nothing to hinder her beautiful celery green eyes so exotic, I itched to ask something of her, if only to find out what accent her tongue would provide.

Drawing closer to my door their laughter drowned me in a different world. One where I wasn't quite so alone. I swallowed the teasing hope down quickly. I wouldn't allow such a stupid emotion to attach itself to me ever again.

The urgency swelling in my chest was off-putting to say the least. I wasn't aware of my disparity for company. I closed my door with more force then necessary, resulting in a loud slam. I hoped they would stop, maybe introduce themselves to me.

They didn't.

The boy shifted his eyes ever so slightly in my direction before taking another drag from a strictly forbidden cigarette, continuing his forward march as if I were a painting mounted on the wall he passed five times every day. The tall girl in the back didn't flinch, her laughter at a joke I never heard consumed her attention. The most notice I drew was a hand strung with bone pulling a blanket of hair behind an ear. The smallest girl peered at me with grey eyes brimmed in impossibly thick kohl lashes. The effect was a smoldering smoky eye addictively mysterious. They sent chills through me. They were knowing, sad, and lifeless.

She looked at me with an expressionless face for half a minute. When the group passed me, she turned forward and my view was of their backs. I watched them as they turned left down another hallway, then they were gone. Solidarity filled me once more and it felt too familiar.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Two hours later and I'd given up formalities with Dr. Dore. She sat behind her desk dragging on and on about how lucky I was to be placed here, how much the Cullen's must love me. She blah-blah-blahed endlessly about regulations and what was expected of me. All I heard was restricted exercise and mandatory meals. Surprisingly I wasn't heartbroken with those casually placed words of threat. The three people upstairs gave off a strong odor of raw insolence. If they found a way around rules, it'd be all too easy for my cunning parasite.

Currently, while I was being walked through the average week of treatment, I sat with my bum scooted to the very edge of an uncomfortable chair. My head lulled backwards over the chair's crest while I counted the books around the exit and just behind me to the beat of a loud clock. I counted three hundred and forty seven before I stopped.

My eyes deglazed after I detected words indicating this torture would soon be coming to an end.

"So, that's a quick overview. Any questions, Bella?"

I pulled my head up slowly, "No." I answered dully; my head throbbed painfully as the blood rushed back into it. I didn't care about anything this woman had to say. Dark laughter filled me knowing she truly thought I could be saved.

"Well, if you need anything you can always call the office. The number is on the phone in your room, along with some others including our five star room service". My eyes narrowed as my face twisted in agitation, "just in case." she added quickly. I stood up, face burning with hot rage, my motions, too rash, caused the chair to knock over.

I charged through the oak door into the frigid lobby. I breathed in deeply, inhaling a smooth dose of cooling wary. My eyes squinted in the dim surroundings; everything was dark, completely unfamiliar. I stood still, only slightly aware of how odd it would seem if I were caught, basking in the pathetic reason of simply having nowhere to go. My eyes were too tired for tears, but my chest throbbed. My breathing, now heavy and irregular filling the space around me offered my only company.

I allowed my eyes to fall unto what should have been the floor directly in front of me, only there wasn't enough light to make anything out. I concentrated on the dry ache at the base of my throat, the urgent upset in the pit of my stomach. I missed Edward. I'd missed him for days. I longed for the boy who held me close. The boy who wanted me. Wanted me for me. The man with no agenda, no plans to change who I was. No unreasonable desire to hack away the only way I measured myself, to take away the only pride I had. Not the boy I walked away from, that boy doesn't want what I've become.

It hurt so much more, having Edward, knowing things would never go back to when they were touching perfection. The Edward that dumped me on this posh doorstep was nothing but a tease. A shell, the image of what I once had. When I cracked the piñata open there was nothing sweet left inside, just a note covered in words I didn't want to read. Edward had become disposable. Trash sitting on the floor, not taken to the curb purely out of selfish sentimental reasons.

After too many moments alone in the darkness I left for my room. I stammered around the hallow suite turning the lights off, then I locked the main door before crawling in the too-big bed. It was comfortable and the sheets felt like silk against my bare arms and legs, but when I settled and seemed to sink an inch into my down pillow I was blinded by the moon's flair brightly piercing into my window. A white glow that was making sleep impossible. It's power seemed ridiculous at this late hour. Had the moon always been this loud? Or was I simply more accustomed to the dingy skies of Forks?

I groaned loudly punching the pillow in a fit. I rolled over haphazardly knocking a few pillows overboard and squeezed my eyes shut. The reflection of the moon's light danced off the ocean and across my room onto the wall. The blaze seared my closed eyelids with an uncomfortable red-orange annoyance. My fists bunched up as I began to lose what little patience I had managed to grasp unto.

"UGH! Can't _anything_ go right?!" I scooted down deeper into the length of the bed covering my face with blankets. I clamped my hands down on my ears protecting them against the noise of waves. Utter silence filled the blankets with lethal fumes. This room, so beautiful in the day light had turned on me. I'd been cornered here by my fears. A cage, trapped for eternity to ponder what went wrong, knowing I'd find no answer.

I danced on the delicate sheet of tissue paper separating sleep from consciousness. One moment my head screamed with thought, the next second it felt like hours had gone by full of nothingness. Or had that only been seconds? I urged my imagination to flow with beautiful memories and fantasies, begging them to carry me into similarly pleasant dreams. Had they? I couldn't tell.

Hours in, my face grew sticky and hot from my breath trapped under a wall of cloth. I peeled the blankets back squinting in the never dulling light. The fresh air felt amazing on my damp skin. I pulled the clinging hair from my face and peered cautiously out of the far window, careful to avoid any further retina damage.

My breath caught. I settled back silent and slow into the concealment of bedding. A large shadow occupied a portion of my powerful balcony, I squinted my blurring eyes trying to make out the shape. I sat up slowly to get a closer look, but was distracted. My head spun around in surprise as a thunderous set of hurried footsteps passed outside the room's main entrance. Deep laughter swam under the door, filling the room and soothing my cautious worries.

I breathed in a gulp of calm greedily.

Though I never moved from my bed I could imagine the mysterious boy that I saw earlier in the day. It was becoming very obvious he cared little for the rules and regulation speech. According to them no one was to roam after curfew. My mouth turned up, curling into an unexpected smirk. I couldn't explain to myself why this boy's arrogance entertained me so. Why his actions could manipulate my mood as they already had twice, but here in this vast room as I sat alone, they comforted me.

A moment later I sunk back into the swallowing depths of down. The moon's light didn't seem as harsh while I gazed through the balcony's railing to the ocean below, memorizing the ocean's temperamental patterns and wave sets I distracted myself long enough to fall into a solid slumber.

**AN - ok, sorry guys. I know it took a million years. But here it is!**

**and I'm already working on the next chapter.**

**The song for this chapter is by Carolina Liar. Show Me What I'm Looking For. LINK- .com/watch?v=WkwVTK10cwQ**

**Also - I will be making Polyvore spreads for the new chapters so check out the links on my profile to view.**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


End file.
